Friday Yuk

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed?
You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE.
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system,
a balanced diet isn't likely to.

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS.
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar,
and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

GAIN WEIGHT.
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES.
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. Be a man!
That goes for women too.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM.
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM.
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO.
Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC.
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS.
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

PROCRASTINATE.
Putting things off to the last second always produces a
marvelous amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL.
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.

_______________________________________

Vasiline on door handles. Did this in HS on a regular basis. Lots of laughs.

Saran wrap on toilet. Victim of this once. Thank heaven for good kegle muscles.

Small rubber band on kitchen sink spray nozzle. When the victim turns on the water, the sprayer sould be aimed directly at him. My kid taught me this one last April Fools day :0

are like a cat with hairballs.

You try to help em out, but when you do they usually just cause a mess and expect you to clean it up.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!

4. Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. Annouce to anyone boarding the elevator, "The doctor says the penicillin should clear up that rash in a couple of weeks."

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty!

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say Ding! at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed,concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"

Happy Fathers day!

While camping with a friend and her two twin sons (6 or 7), they were off playing by the dock while I was cooking dinner. One of the boys came back and said hey lookthere's blood on my hand.

So I quickly wiped it clean and there was no cut. I asked where it was from and he laughed, "just fooling, I'm not really bleeding". Figuring it was a smudge of ketchup or berries from the bushes I ignored it and started cooking again.

3 minutes later he came running up, completely out of breath, 'look there's blood on my hand!' I told him to stop playing around and again wiped it off before returning to the cooking.

Then his brother came in crying and whining, I'm BLEEEDING!!! So I looked at him, VERY frustrated, and went to wipe the blood of his forehead when I realized his head was split open (not really enough for stitches but quite a gash!).

They had been fighting over the boats, as always (I I WANNA DRIVE!), and one smacked the other in the face with an oar and split his head open.

The first kept smearing some blood from his brother's head onto his hand and had ran all the way back to me each time, before his sobbing brother had finally made it back to me.

Damn kids, they are 15 now and STILL beat the living hell out of each other, while absolutely adoring each other too....somehow!

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?"
6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

A lawyer who works in Seattle gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone.

After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is the emergency of which he must take care.

So, he tells the maid to go and get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman.

She protests! The lawyer explains that under Washington State law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it.

She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears a scream, the sound of two gun shots, some loud thumps and finally, two splashes.

The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"

"Yes," she replies.

The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool," she responds.

There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the POOL?"

"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.

"Uh, is this 555-8234?"

jesus...ok...I'm gonna try and live through the weekend...by staying intoxicated.

OK...limerick time...not the Irish one...
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There once was a girl from Bugtussle
Who's butt shaked with much of a hustle
But when in the sack
She'd give you no slack
And you'd end up having strained the wrong muscle. ;)

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Have a good weekend all...

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Armourall, smooth side up, nuff said I hope. ]:)

I am the runt of a brother and sister 8&9 years my senior, yeah a late bloomer, accident whatever you want to call it. (not a mistake, be nice!)

I have been subject to some of the most cunning and clever 'burns' there are.

Even now, I am scared to visit my brother with a date in tow, you never know what he's got up his sleeve to render you feeling so tiny that you crawl under the door to run away.

Sure we've got that sibling bond, sorta, but we sure like making each other look stupid. Now that I'm older I can help my brother gang up on my sister during family get togethers, it's finally coming full circle. I can't wait 'til my brother is old and starts peeing his pants again!

Here I thought I was the ONLY ONE that flipped the mat upside down!!

But mine was one step better than yours. Mine was put at the foot of the steps, and my brother was known for jumping from one landing to the next. So skipping 8 steps and landing on the spikes.

It was WORTH the beating I took over that one!
(Older BIGGER brother, so I grew up to my daily beatings)

well, maybe not.

You pampered little puppy!

Does she bring you your pipe and slippers too? :)

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy eh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow".

Dawg ]:)

nowadays...the number of women who can't cook anything other than Mac and Cheese or microwave dinners.

I can cook better than most of the women I know...I just won't cook that way unless I have company...when it's just me alone, some soup or popcorn or beef jerky is adequate.

Ten signs you're working to hard ...

You're so tired you now answer the phone "hell"

You're best friend calls to ask how you've been and you immediately scream" get off by back, BITCH"

Your garbage can is you're "in" box

You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care

You have so much on you're mind that you've forgotten how to pee

Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday

You sleep more at work than you do at home

You leave for a party and instinctively bring you're briefcase

Your palm pilot exploded a week ago

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now ...

Dawg ]:)

It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused.

And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"

Ford who was a renowned anti-semetitc said,
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' lastname would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: Norm, Hi and Max

Dawg ]:)

Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots
coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks,
why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a
bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and
left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before
and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police
assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you
tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept.
put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying
to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my
phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and
nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not
stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.
I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way.
Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you
started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Dawg ]:)

Jessie, buy frozen pie dough!!!

jck: I just somehow [b]know[/b] you love cherry pie. :^O

Dawg ]:)

I like my pies like this...

1) They can't be too hot, or they'll burn you for sure.

2) They gotta be cool, have good taste, and not mind whip cream on them.

3) They gotta be a little nutty.

Then, I can eat em all night long ]:)

And as for cherry pies...if a pie has no cherry, it doesn't bother me...cherry-less is as good as cherry :)

(is that implicative enough yet?) ]:)

carrot cake you ever did see. (thanks to Grandma!)

Used to go over there to be her hands to make the cake as she got arthritis REAL bad.

No mix, sifting and shreading. cream cheese frosting. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

One of them is not like the others....
And maybe shouldn't be read right after the other three. eww.

As for posts NOT going together, MAYBE, jUST MAYBE SOMEONE was replying to the post from Jess instead of wallowing in the depraved depths with the other.

Besides, they got off on this about Jess finishing talking about her GRANDMA having the best pie! I guess if that gets JCK and Dawg going, to each their own.......

can't a guy be even a *little* pervish?

Queen Victoria would be proud, I suppose...

oh well...you can't thought police me... *seg* ]:)

I would rather you were too. At least then you wouldn't have an Internet connection.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's alright, anyone who likes S&G can't be all bad.

The 16 Reasons a Modem is Better Than a Woman

1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.

2. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".

3. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

4. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

5. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

6. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

7. A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night long.

8. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

9. A modem is flat on top - hence your beer won't fall over.

10. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.

11. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command.

12. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.

13. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.

14. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

15. Modems come with an instruction manual.

16. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.