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Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
The AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

Have a good weekend Y'ALL!

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What did the policeman say to his stomach?

by Skidoggeruk In reply to Friday Yuk

"You're under a vest"

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Groan!!

by DMambo In reply to What did the policeman sa ...

Bad, very bad.

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elderly people and bears it doesn't get much funnier...

by anykey??? In reply to Friday Yuk

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's *****, and they would watch TV for an hour or so.
It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He failed to show up for the next two nights . Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds.
She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman".
"*******!" she cried. "What were you doing?".
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease"

IT`S SPRING AND BABY BEAR STAGGERS OUT OF HIS CAVE. HIS KNEES ARE WOBBLING,PAWS SHAKING- HE`S A WRECK,ALL SKIN AND BONE WITH BIG CIRCLES UNDER HIS EYES. JUNIOR! HIS MOTHER SAYS DID YOU HIBERNATE ALL WINTER LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO? HIBERNATE HE SAYS I THOUGHT YOU SAID MASTERBATE.

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Achtung!!! Das Machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken, dumbkopf!!!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

Achtung
Das Machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren musten keepen das cotten-pickenen hands in das pockets - relaxen und watchen das blinkenlights.

The above was apparently based on the following, original version, from the early 1960s:

Alles touristen und non-technischen looken peepers! Das machinkontrol is nicht for gefengerpoken und mittengrabben. Oderwise is easy schnappen der springenverk, blowenfus, undpoppencorken mit spitzensparken. Der machine is diggen by experten only. Is nicht fur geverken by das dumpkopfen. Das rubber necken sightseenen keepen das cotton-picken hands in das pockets. So relaxen, und vatchen das blinkenlights.

And here's the phony-English version the Germans use:

This room is fullfilled mit special electronische equipment. Fingergrabbing and pressing the knoeppkes from the computers is allowed for die experts only! So all the "lefthanders" stay away and do not disturben the brainstorming von here working intelligences. Otherwise you will be outthrown and kicked anderswhere! Also: please keep still and only watchen astaunished the blinkenlights.

Of course, this warning would not be complete without the Internet version:

Das Internet is nicht fuer gefingerclickend und giffengrabben. Ist easy droppenpacket der Routers und overloaden der Backbone mit der spammen und der me-tooen. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei die Dummkopfen. Die mausklicken Sichtseeren keepen das Bandwidth-spewen Hands in die Pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das cursorblinken.

Finally, the Palm Pilot version:

Das PalmPilot ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy scratch der Screene, zappen RAM, und droppen-smashen. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das Dummkopfen. Das rubber-necken Sichtseeren keep die Hands in die Pockets -- relaxen und watchen Das Blinkenlights.

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Alternative meanings for words

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

Alternative meanings for words
Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are...

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Dawg ]:)

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An American's Guide to Britain

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

This guide is for American tourists visiting Britain, who may otherwise be confused by strange British customs.

General
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "****." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a **** -- everyone will understand and forgive you.

Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat- bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon **** for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license". It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.

Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.


Dawg ]:)

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Well Dawg who came up with that lot?

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to An American's Guide to Br ...

Or far more importantly who hates the Yanks that much?

Col ]:)

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The same people who advise that when visiting Australia....................

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Well Dawg who came up wit ...

all one needs to do is grab a hot "sheila" and a keg and experience all the joys of oral intercourse; if you can appreciate the ambiguity of that. :^O

Dawg ]:)

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Well at least that wouldn't

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to The same people who advis ...

Get the adverage Yank thrown jail. Unlike some of the suggestions for visiting the UK.

Here they would just fit in and not even be noticed.

Last time I returned here I was behind a guy who customs wanted to charge import duty on a bottle of scotch that he had brought back with him appears that he had brought one too many so instead of paying the custom fee or allowing it to be impounded he opened it and drunk it all down in front of the customs guy and then handed him the empty bottle and asked did they still want payment and they where quite welcome to the empty. :)

Col ]:)

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Is Bill Gates the Devil?

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

Warning! Bill Gates may be the next antichrist:Revelation 13:18 says:

"Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man: His number is 666."

The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd). By converting the letters of his name to the ASCII-values (which are used in computers) you will get the following:


B I L L G A T E S 3

66 + 73 + 76 + 76 + 71 + 65 + 84 + 69 + 83 + 3 = 666

Adolf Hitler
Joseph Stalin
The Pope
(You can count number 666 from each of the names above.)

Is the fourth beast Microsoft corporation which represents the power of money? Revelation 13:16 and 13:18 says:

"He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads," "and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name".

"Windows compatible?"

It looks like well-known OS's fall into the same category:


M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

Coincidence? We think not.

Dawg ]:)

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