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friday yuk

By j.lupo ·
I thought I might beat OZ with this one. I found it amusing. It at least put a smile on my face and thought I would share at the end of a long week. :)
________________________________
Subject: Try saying . . .

I just received this memo from management. Please do your best to
comply.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do,
however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h_! __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

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I knew a guy who said "Youv'e got me confused..."

by BHunsinger In reply to friday yuk

and when asked how would continue "with someone who gives a Sh_t!

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:) that is funny

by j.lupo In reply to I knew a guy who said "Yo ...

I know a few too who do that too. It is amazing how creative people can get.

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I'm not sure this can be implemented

by CorTech In reply to friday yuk

I'll have to print that out and post it on my wall as a reminder.

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That is the guy across the hall from me!

by jdclyde In reply to friday yuk

Every bad thing and more that is listed here I am SURE I have heard while sitting in my office.

And this guy is not quiet either. It is yelling while on speaker phone, nextel or face to face.

I just shake my head and laugh.

He is on the board of trustees and is a great worker. These two things make him pretty much bullet proof.

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SALMON DAY

by Skidoggeruk In reply to friday yuk

New entries for the Oxford English Dictionary 2005

GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention
of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff
member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is
known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black
box'.

AUSSIE KISS - Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3am in the morning.

BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you
live,how you got here, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of
drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

GREYHOUND - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the
badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to
show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely
impressivewhen viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there
worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
"Oo!Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're
in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.

SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman


New words for 2005 Work-place vocabulary

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This
also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless
paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e. g. you've hit 'reply all')

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I really like . . .

by j.lupo In reply to SALMON DAY

the OHNOSECOND. and STRESS PUPPY. I think just about every place has one or two STRESS PUPPIES. Just hope never to have a litter of them around.

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BOBFOC

by CorTech In reply to SALMON DAY

Now that's funny!!!

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what about...

by anykey??? In reply to friday yuk

TRY SAYING
I will move that to top of the list.
INSTEAD OF
Why don't I just work 24 hours a day you slave driving @$$hole.
TRY SAYING
Yes I can take care of that for you.
INSTEAD OF
Learn to do your own F***ing work you piece of S**t.

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Angry?

by Skidoggeruk In reply to what about...

Sounds like experience. True enough though.

Hey, is it just me, or does it get busier in IT on a friday afternoon, as people suddenly realise they aren't going to fulfil that promise?

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Must be you

by j.lupo In reply to Angry?

around here it becomes a ghost town on fridays. our big push day is Wednesday as releases are Thursday night. Maybe it just depends on the release schedule????

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