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Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
TOP 5 Reasons NOT to get a face transplant

5)If you happen to get one of Michael Jackson's old ones, you could never teach third grade again.

4)Saving face now requires dry ice and extra attic space.

3)Local punks keep stealing the jar by Eleanor Rigby's door.

2)When you do a face-plant while riding your mountain bike, it's embarrassing having to send a
Secret Service agent back to pick it up.

1)You wanted Mary Kate, but dammit, they gave you Ashley!

________________________________________________

IF OS's were Beers

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.


Mac Beer

At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.


Windows 3.1 Beer

Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.


OS/2 Beer

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.


Windows 95 Beer

The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.


Windows 98 Beer

Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.


Windows 2000 Beer

The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.


Unix Beer


Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.


Linux Beer

LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Breweries in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.

VMS Beer

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
______________________________

Have a good weekend!

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?Sweet Sorrow?

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Yuk

?Sweet Sorrows?Copyright ? 1998 by Wayne Heath.

Sorrow churning up inside
Deep within it does reside
Pushing you towards homicide

Retribution I do command
Into you it does expand
This thing you can't withstand

So scream if you can
Slow to understand
I've been there and I always have

Dreading your fears
To you they do adhere
And becoming a prison cell
Your neverending living ****

Sweet is my embrace
Propelling you towards disgrace
Constricting your breathing space

Punishment I demand
Gaining the upper hand
Destroying this your wonderland

So scream if you can
Slow to understand
I've been there and I always have

Dreading your fears
To you they do adhere
And becoming a prison cell
Your neverending living ****

**** to you I bestow
You're beginning to overflow
With this my final death ****

Moving slowly master hand
Hour glass out of sand
Welcome to No Man's Land

So scream if you can
Slow to understand
I've been there and I always have

Dreading your fears
To you they do adhere
And becoming a prison cell
Your neverending living ****

Wayne Heath
?Sweet Sorrow?

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LOL

by Oz_Media In reply to ?Sweet Sorrow?

Now THAT's a real knee slapper!

What would a Friday Yuk be without Jaqui's end of the world, morbid, time to jump off a bridge fun.

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Um....

by Jessie In reply to LOL

Funny? Or maybe just NOT make me feel like it's the end of the world, and I should slit my wrists before jumping off that bridge.

Thanks Jaqui... that was... interesting.

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Beer...The Irish way

by jck In reply to Friday Yuk

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

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There are two things in life you should never watch!!!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

One is sausage being made and the second is your parents having sex.

Dawg :^O

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Aint that the truth!

by Oz_Media In reply to There are two things in l ...

I did work a summer job as a kid at a local VERY large meat processing plant. What an eye opener that was, STILL LIKE ME BANGERS THO!

A year or so later I worked in a fish plant, watched a forklift drive over a fish, the guy behind it just scooped it up with a shovel and into the mix it went. STILL LIKE ME KIPPERS THO!

Walked in on my parents as a wee lad, saw themn in a compromising postion. STILL LIKE ME ***** THO!

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Amen.

by Jessie In reply to Aint that the truth!

Nothing like bangers and bangin, though I don't think you should mix bangers and bangin... might cause some confusion... or food poisoning... or at the very least a BAD yeast infection.

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I thought

by Jellimonsta In reply to Aint that the truth!

I thought in place of ****** you were going to say kippers. :)

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Doesn't...

by Jellimonsta In reply to There are two things in l ...

This just appear to be the same thing? :)

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Just to keep with the trends of the week

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the
axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math
instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is certain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

Have GREAT WEEKEND GUYS AND GALLS

I'll be missing for a few days from Sunday as I have a little road trip lined up and I'll be unable to post anything for a few days.

Cheers

Col ]:)

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