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Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
Well another 7 sleeps later and it's Friday again.


Computer Joke

Support: "Is there a floppy inside your drive?"
Customer: "No. It says Intel inside"

Boooooo. I know there's nothing funny about computers really, too lame.

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage around Johnny's arm.

"I think you'd better bandage around the other arm too, Doc!"

"But, why? I'm supposed to bandage around the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to hit it."

"You really don't know anything about my friends do you?"

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

The Top 5 Signs You Need Anger-Management Counseling

5)You've broken seven nails trying to get the lid off the stupid Valium bottle.

4)Every time a waiter puts your glass down from the wrong side you fire a warning shot into his groin.

3)You once kicked your kitten across the room for sneezing during your favorite episode of "Mama's Family."

2)The vein in your forehead throbs so violently, it just knocked out the man in line ahead of you.

1)You were shocked to learn the folks on Trading Spaces use *tools* to make holes in walls.


_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

And seeing s RCMP say they now have figured out who's been poaching the bald eagles:


One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_
One more:

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As
they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you sh*t your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,
I did not **** my pants." He believes him and they keep riding.
As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not sh*t your pants?" Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am SURE I did not sh*t my
pants."
He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not sh*t your pants?" Paco replies
"I thought you meant today!"


Have a good one all

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The Good Wife Guide, 1955

by Salamander In reply to Friday Yuk

...from an actual article in a woman's magazine in May of 1955.

ROTFLMAO...Ladies, I'm sure that you'll find this as humorous as I do...


The Good Wife's Guide (1955)

-Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you are thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

-Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

-Be cheerful and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

-Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

-Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc., and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

-Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

-Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

-Be happy to see him.

-Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

-Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

-Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

-Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility, where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

-Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

-Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor, compared to what he might have gone through that day.

-Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

-Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice.

-Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house, and, as such, will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

-A good wife always knows her place.

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Anyone got a time machine?

by ozi Eagle In reply to The Good Wife Guide, 1955

Anyone got a time machine?

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No

by Oz_Media In reply to Anyone got a time machine ...

But it might be a good idea to untie the woman in my basement, she still thinks it's the 60's.

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The Guide

by BFilmFan In reply to The Good Wife Guide, 1955

As frightening as it may be, 2 of my sisters actually were tested in school on that nonsense. And I grew up in the 50's and Leave It To Beaver was NOT the way the world worked.

I think that would be a good book would be to compare TV families to what was really going on in families in historical eras, but someone has probably already done it.

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I can't see anything wrong with it at all!

by neilb@uk In reply to The Good Wife Guide, 1955

Just a few pointers as to how WE should behave

Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B*LLSH$T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%)

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ***-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!", "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!", "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ***, are you a Sagittarius?"

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

Unlocking a car door for another man is polite. Opening it is gay.

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Ah-ha

by Salamander In reply to I can't see anything wron ...

Neil, are you sure that your fellow men aren't going to gang up on you for having divulged "The Code of Male Behavior" to the unsuspecting public?

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Ah, but these are only the obvious ones...

by neilb@uk In reply to Ah-ha

The rest, like the Freemason code, are hidden from the eyes of women.

Neil

btw. Why CAN'T you put the toilet seat down?

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It stays up

by jdclyde In reply to Ah, but these are only th ...

because it is designed that way.

If it wasn't MEANT to be up, it would flop back down.

NOTE: For the last few months, even if I noticed someone else had left it down I would walk in and put it up. It is the little things in life that mean so much.

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JD

by neilb@uk In reply to It stays up

"someone else" - now who could that be? LOL!

When everything is settled, you are probably have to go and get a bit of therapy!

Neil

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Fellas...

by Salamander In reply to JD

I have it on good authority the fuzzy toilet seat cover was invented to compensate for inconsiderate males...makes it impossible for the seat to remain up.

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