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Friday Yuk

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by oz_media

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

Well another 7 sleeps later and it's Friday again.

Computer Joke

Support: "Is there a floppy inside your drive?"
Customer: "No. It says Intel inside"

Boooooo. I know there's nothing funny about computers really, too lame.

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage around Johnny's arm.

"I think you'd better bandage around the other arm too, Doc!"

"But, why? I'm supposed to bandage around the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to hit it."

"You really don't know anything about my friends do you?"

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

[b]The Top 5 Signs You Need Anger-Management Counseling [/b]

5)You've broken seven nails trying to get the lid off the stupid Valium bottle.

4)Every time a waiter puts your glass down from the wrong side you fire a warning shot into his groin.

3)You once kicked your kitten across the room for sneezing during your favorite episode of "Mama's Family."

2)The vein in your forehead throbs so violently, it just knocked out the man in line ahead of you.

1)You were shocked to learn the folks on Trading Spaces use *tools* to make holes in walls.

_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

And seeing s RCMP say they now have figured out who's been poaching the bald eagles:

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_
One more:

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As
they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you sh*t your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,
I did not shit my pants." He believes him and they keep riding.
As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not sh*t your pants?" Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am SURE I did not sh*t my
pants."
He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not sh*t your pants?" Paco replies
"I thought you meant today!"

Have a good one all

108 replies

by salamander

...from an actual article in a woman's magazine in May of 1955.

ROTFLMAO...Ladies, I'm sure that you'll find this as humorous as I do...

The Good Wife's Guide (1955)

-Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you are thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

-Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

-Be cheerful and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

-Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

-Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc., and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

-Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

-Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

-Be happy to see him.

-Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

-Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

-Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

-Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility, where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

-Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

-Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor, compared to what he might have gone through that day.

-Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

-Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice.

-Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house, and, as such, will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

-A good wife always knows her place.

by oz_media

But it might be a good idea to untie the woman in my basement, she still thinks it's the 60's.

by bfilmfan

As frightening as it may be, 2 of my sisters actually were tested in school on that nonsense. And I grew up in the 50's and Leave It To Beaver was NOT the way the world worked.

I think that would be a good book would be to compare TV families to what was really going on in families in historical eras, but someone has probably already done it.

by Member 25348569

Just a few pointers as to how WE should behave

Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B*LLSH$T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%)

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!", "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!", "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

Unlocking a car door for another man is polite. Opening it is gay.

by salamander

Neil, are you sure that your fellow men aren't going to gang up on you for having divulged "The Code of Male Behavior" to the unsuspecting public?

by hal 9000

A woman who does exactly what she is told instead of telling me to F##K OFF when ever I ask her to do something. :(

A woman who only allows me to drive her car when ever I want to instead of only allowing me to drive it when needs fuel and/or something done to it. ;)

A woman who would never prevent me from attending any auction and would always be pleased with whatever I brought there instead of a woman who prevents me from attending in the first place with threats of bodily violence to me. :(

A woman who wouldn't be constantly complaining about the amount of money that I spend on computers now that I've educated her to the price of tools which was another bone of contention at a prior time until I got her to go out and buy what I needed. :)

But most of all a woman who wouldn't jump down my through when I bring home an unexpected gift with the words "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WRONG NOW?" And then constantly complain that I never buy her anything at all. :D

Col ]:)

by jdclyde

I got in trouble because I had a dozen roses sent to the wifes work.

You see, I wasn't buying them the rest of the time so I got in trouble for doing it now. This was before she anounced she was leaving and I was still trying. Could have saved a LOT of time and money had I only known.....

Why do women have PMS?
Because they DESERVER to!

by maecuff

Dunno if they're funny or just gross :)

Have a good weekend..

Truisms

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

by oz_media

THat's pretty funny actually, I just watched one of those science shows and they looked at some of teh history behind appliances.

The ONE SLICE slot is complete BS, it will cook just as evenly in either slot.

The VEY FIRST toasters had a one slice slot, yet it was NEVER a case of uneven cooking, the type of elements or sensors used or ANYTHING, just someone stamped ONE SLICE on one half of the toaster to make it APPEAR to be special compared to others.

Many years ago, they actually did a test where they produced two identical toasters, one with teh ONE SLICE slot marked and another without, the ones with the ONE SLICE slot outsold the others by a landslide.

People still believe the myth that the element and heat sensors actually opertate properl on that slot when only one slice is being toasted, which is complete BS.

So until people understand the fact that it makes no difference WHICH slot your one slice is in, they will continue to print ONE SLICE on one slot.

Gotta love consumers sometimes, or laugh at them at least.

by maecuff

You really put a lot of thought into the whole 'one slice' thing, haven't you?

by ozi eagle

I have a toaster that has one long slot, that takes 2 slices end to end. If you want one slice it has to be placed at the "one slice" end, since there is a little lever at the bottom, that causes the elevator (?) to lock into place and start the toasting, due to the weight of the bread..

by jessie

Your sock puppet tells you it "just wants to be friends."

Ya like that? I thought it up yesterday. Come on, everybody join in! Come up with your own!

by Member 25348569

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ...and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.

You realize that the phone number on the toilet wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.

by tony hopkinson

When the girl you met two weeks ago says.

Do You want the good news or the bad news ?
Good news please
I won't know for definite 'til next week

As true as I'm typing here.

by tony hopkinson

Would it have been better I'd used the word before instead of ago.
LOL
On the arrival of my youngest brother.

"A Hopkinson."
"Where, Which one."
"No another one."
"She----it"

by jdclyde

Mae, Jess and elf, I apologze up front.

Why are women like piles of dog crap?
The older they get, the easier it is to pick them up.

What is the difference between a woman and a toilet?
The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

Why do women have two holes so close together?
So you can carry them like a six pack.

It is a fact that 90% of all women will have intellegent DNA in their bodies.
Unfortunatly, 90% of those will spit it out.

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy. (how did that get in there?)

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS and half with yeast infections?
A Whine and cheese party.

Why is it called PMS?
"Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

I married my wife for her looks
but not the ones she is giving me lately.

Marrige changes passion.
Suddenly your in bed with a relative. (oooooh)

How many wives does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, she hangs on to it and the world revolves around her.

What is the difference between a wife and Jello?
Jello wiggles when you eat it.

What do you say to a wife that won't put out?
Have another beer.

Why is MY soon-to-be-ex-wife like a door knob?
Because everyone gets a turn.

How do you stop a woman from having sex (with you)
Marry her.

by jck

that I'm gonna join in...the other thread got me in a mood...since I'm such a loser. Thank God for computers.

-------------------------------------
Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman

- A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

- When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.

- A beer won't get upset if you come home and smell like another beer.

- You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

- you'll always get good head from a beer

- Hangovers go away.

- When you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth 5 cents.

- You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

- A beer always goes down easy.

- You can share beer with your friends.

- Beer is always wet.

- You always know you are the first one to pop a beer.

- A frigid beer is a good beer.

- You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.

by dc_guy

Geeze, some of these jokes are straight out of the locker room and one is so racist (I first heard it fifty years ago and I was embarrassed even then) I'm surprised it wasn't deleted. Can't we do better?

Here's my effort:

With the changing world political landscape, the new management team at the CIA thinks it's time for some changes. In particular the old practice of international recruitment for assassins is no longer appropriate. Foreigners may be good at their craft, but their loyalty is difficult to assure.

So the CIA's HR department launched a new domestic recruitment program for assassins. They recognized that it won't be easy to find accomplished killers within our borders, but marksmanship can be taught, and at least it's easier to be sure of the loyalty of our own people.

The one thing that gave them a problem, however, was attitude. You can't teach people to kill in cold blood, they have to be born with the ability. So the question became, how best to test for it?

After the test was developed and approved, the first three applicants for Assassin Grade One assembled in a waiting room at CIA headquarters in Langley, VA. Two agents entered the room and explained the test. Each applicant would be handed a gun. The door to the adjoining room would be opened. The applicant would immediately kill the person they found in the room. End of test.

All questions regarding who that person might be were evaded.

The first applicant, a young, tough-looking, muscular man, was handed a .44 Magnum. An agent opened the door and he saw his own wife tied to a chair inside. His toughness vanished as he dropped the gun and burst into tears. The agents stamped "Rejected" on his dossier and sent him home with his wife.

The second applicant was an older man. He was handed a .38. The door was opened and he, too, saw his wife inside. He cocked the gun, walked in, and closed the door. No sounds came from the room except loud talking, and after ten minutes the agents gave up and opened the door. They told the man, "In our line of work you absolutely must be able to act without stopping to think. If this were a real assignment, you'd be dead by now."

The man replied, "I'm sorry, I thought I could kill her if you thought it was in the interest of national security, but she talked me out of it."

The agent thoughtfully gave the man cab fare and a hotel voucher and sent the two out via separate exits. They were not feeling very optimistic when the third applicant, a woman in her fifties, stood up and said, "My turn."

They handed her a .22 caliber revolver and before the agent could reach the doorknob the woman opened it, saw her husband tied to a chair, released the safety, and slammed the door behind her.

A shot rang out immediately. A few seconds later, another shot was heard. Then four shots in rapid succession, followed by the clicking sound of an empty cylinder.

After a few moments of silence, pandemonium broke loose. The sounds of crashes, shouts, thuds, and yelps filled the anteroom. Finally, after a particularly loud smashing noise and a sharp but short scream, the office was silent.

The agents drew their guns, not knowing what to expect. The woman opened the door and walked out holding what appeared to be a chair leg in one hand, while she freshened up her makeup and smoothed her hair with the other.

Then she laid into the agents. "You government types are all alike! Some incompetent civil servant loaded my gun with blanks! I ended up having to beat him to death with the stupid CHAIR! Now do I get this job or not?"

by Member 25348569

The rest, like the Freemason code, are hidden from the eyes of women.

Neil :D

btw. Why CAN'T you put the toilet seat down?

by jdclyde

because it is designed that way.

If it wasn't MEANT to be up, it would flop back down.

NOTE: For the last few months, even if I noticed someone else had left it down I would walk in and put it up. It is the little things in life that mean so much.

by Member 25348569

"someone else" - now who could that be? LOL!

When everything is settled, you are probably have to go and get a bit of therapy!

Neil

by salamander

I have it on good authority the fuzzy toilet seat cover was invented to compensate for inconsiderate males...makes it impossible for the seat to remain up. ;)

by jessie

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through a stop sign.

A stoner waits for it to turn green.

by jessie

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

by jessie

An oldie but goodie:

Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Please help!

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:\I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications
and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.

I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3

--Help Desk

by oz_media

Just look at all the typos! I think I put a whole 30 seconds into that one. But it was a pretty interesting show all in all, your post just made me remember that little trivial issue.

by maecuff

I have a knack for remembering inconsequential bits of trivia. I can quote from movies or books all day long...BUT, when it comes to the important things..nope, they run out of the holes in my head. I'll remember the toast thing forever, but will I remember when it's time to renew my driver's license??? nope.

by jessie

... tried to sell me the "It's not a bug, it's a feature" shiite the other day. Over the weekend, they did some software "upgrade" and now when I'm recording a program, not only does my tv have to stay on that channel, it MUTES the fraggin tv and the volume control and mute buttons on the remote don't do anything.

So I called Comcast (stupid fraggers!) and the woman on the phone said they hadn't changed anything, and that it's a feature!!! She said, most people are not in front of their tvs while they're recording programs so it just automatically mutes it. But she very helpfully showed me how to program an "unused" button on my remote to unmute the !@#$#$%#! TV but I couldn't use the MUTE button as then when I WASN'T recording, the mute button wouldn't work.

So... if I'm NOT watching my TV while I'm recording a program, and the TV doesn't need to be ON while I'm recording as this is coming through my cable DVR, WHY THE FRAG DO YOU NEED TO MUTE IT?!?!?!

I very politely asked if she was certain this was a feature and not an undocumented bug, and she insisted that it was indeed a feature...

And if I want to be able to change channels while I'm recording a program (which is why we got the fraggin cable DVR in the first place and it worked a week ago) then I have to get a new remote which has a SWAP button on it. RASAFRACKARACKAFRAKISDADBURNSLIMEYRATFRUCKS!!!

She also told me that they hadn't changed the software, this is the way it always was, and I must just not have noticed it before. GRRRRRR!!!!

by craig herberg

There is an easy fix on the internet for this problem -- it's located at http://directv.com
My only beef with satellite is it goes out a total of about an hour a year, usually for a few minutes at a time during bad electrical storms.

by jck

If you live in an area with a lot of heavy rain, it's not the way to go.

I live in FL...and if there's a wall of heavy rain between you and the satellite...even if it's not raining on you...it will cut the signal off.

by hal 9000

Pregnant women are not supposed to get upset you should know better! ;)

It really is a new feature built in to aid the sale of new remotes just how do you expect them to keep making money off you? :D

You really can not believe that the monthly service cost is all that they can take off you do you? :)

After going thought 10 different types of Remotes they will eventually end up with the original again but when that happens you'll need a different TV to watch the shows on. :p

Col ]:)

PS

But how about in the mean time as someone else has suggested you place a Question on the T Q & A Section for a name for the bubs? I'm sure we will all join in and offer our help. ]:)

by cp7212

The Indian

While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' good." The Indian is shocked...

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The Indian has a look of
total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?"

Horse: "Good."

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" Indicating the Indian again.

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking.
He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain"

The Indian stares in utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep is liar."

by cp7212

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy ....why are you doing that? He said
because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid ....there are so many places they can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He
said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ...turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

This just doesn't want to format right for me today. Oh well, everyone have a great weekend!

by maecuff

We don't. Only me, I am the only one required to have a license to operate a vehicle. I don't know why, I haven't caused THAT many accidents.

by jessie

That gave me chills! I hope when you find out, it's definitely good! And don't do that ANYMORE!!!

by tony hopkinson

He's coming up 19 now. Besides It's strange way to find out about your first biological kid. Must be a Brit's sense of humour we but we find that sort of thing funny, once the shock wears off or it's someone else of course

by jck

Horse walks into a bar...
bartender looks at him and says
"Hey pal...why the long face?"

********************************

Fella sees a sheila in a pub in Brisbane
Walks up to her and says "Pardon me, miss...fancy a f***?"
Girl says "I do now, ya sweet talkin bastard!"

(that joke sounded better with Elle MacPherson telling it)

***********************************

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?

It's butt.

.
.
.

have a good weekend, all

by craig herberg

Well, Tony, I have some good news and bad news for you. The good new is I congratulate you on your recent "activities." The bad news (possibly) is I congratulate you on your new status. If such is the case, you must post "what should I name the little one" in the technical Q&A forum. We'll be on that like, well, you know.

by jaqui

after all, that only takes a few minutes.
it's that scary hiv thing that takes a "week or so"

~ducking for cover~

by tony hopkinson

so the aids I need are very different
LOL
Seems like only yesterday he was a baby, but then I got some coffee down the b*gger and told him to learn to hold is liquor a bit better.

by jdclyde

lots of issues.

But if your sane enough to know that your crazy, where does that leave you?

by hal 9000

That will pass the TR Censors. ;)

A guy walks into a bar with an Emu at his side and asks for a beer, he then turns to the Emu and asks what it would like the Emu replies a beer thank you. The barman hands over the two requested beers and then says that will be $7.50 please, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and hands it to the barman.

This continues for several weeks and eventually the Barman wonders just how this guy always has the exact change in his pocket for every order and becomes really curious. One night close to closing time the Guy walks in again with the Emu and asks for a Beer and then turns to the Emu and asks it what it would like to drink. The Barman tells the guy that it is close to closing time and that will be the last drink that he will be able to serve so does the guy want anything stronger? The guy replies good idea I?ll have a triple Scotch and then asks the Emu what it would like the Emu replies I?ll have a triple Scotch as well so the barman pours the drinks and says that will be $18.75 so the guy reaches into his pocket and hands over the exact change again. The barman asks just how he is constantly capable of having the exact change for any order and the guy replies that its simple.

Last month I was cleaning up my dads place and I found an old lamp and when I attempted to clean it a genie popped out and granted me three wishes. My first wish was to always have the exact change for any order when I reached into my pocket . The barman exclaims that?s brilliant most people would ask for a million dollars and they would spend it in no time at all that was a stroke of genius as you?ll never have to get any money ever again and you need not work all you have to do is reach into your pocket and you?ll have exactly what you need for anything. The guy says yes it was a good idea so I then asked to have my dead fathers place cleaned up so I could sell it and it was immediately cleaned up and it sold the next day to the first people that came to look at it.

The barman says well that?s fantastic but why do you bring the Emu with you every time you come in here and the guy replies well my third and finial wish was for a chick with long legs who would always stick with me no matter what so I got the Emu.

Have a great weekend guys

Col ]:)

by apotheon

If you promise to put the toilet seat down when you use it so you don't fall in, I'll promise to put the toilet seat up when I use it so I don't pee all over it.

by hal 9000

With the advent of Womens Lib, as I got a Sexual Harassment complaint filed against me for nothing more than opening a door for a woman. ;)

Apparently this was a disparaging action by me implying that the woman in question was incapable of opening the door for herself.

Basically women reap what they sow and those few ones on the bleeding edge of demanding equal rights and responsibilities are hurting it for everyone else. I've seen men stand up in busses/trains for women and been attacked verbally by the woman that they are offering a seat to so they no longer offer the simple niceties as it just isn't worth their while. :)

When simple "Good Manners" are seen as Sexual Harassment I'm no longer interested in even extending a helping hand let alone continuing to behave in the way that I was brought up to behave. Personally I think that the woman who made the complaint against me would really have had something to complain about if I had of slammed the door while she was part way through it but to this day I find it impossible to see how showing Good Manners can in any way be interpreted as Sexual Harassment. ;)

But I'm not a woman and maybe I'm missing something. :D And I refused to undergo the compulsory course that I was supposed to go through to teach me how to behave to women. Perhaps they would have taught me to slap them around a bit which I would find objectionable. :D

But I do know if I refused to do these simple things for my wife I'd never hear the end of it. :(

Col ]:)

by salamander

...is why modern women wear boots: to get across puddles on their own.

They're certainly not intended to be used to kick well-meaning gentlemen who are holding doors open for them. A requisite amount of grace and civility is certainly missing in that extreme fringe, to be sure.

by jellimonsta

That is pretty funny. I can't believe the guy thought he honestly had a graduate student fooled with his little ploy! :)

by apotheon

Well, then, there's definitely an upside to the demise of chivalry. Women in boots == A Good Thing.

by xink[o]

A boy was walking past a barn and saw a man cutting a tree branch but was on the branch facing the trunk. The boy looked up and yelled, "Hey mister, if you keep cutting the branch you will fall off!" The man looked down and laughed, "Hey sonny, i've been cutting trees all my life and have never fell, so I know it wont happen now!" The boy shruged and began to walk on but turn arounded to the sound of a loud "SMASH" The man got up and ran to the boy and got on his knees, "Son i believe your psycic!" The boy replied with a small, "Naww." The man continued to nag at him and convinced him he was. Just then the man asked him, "So when will I die?" The boy looked around and saw a donkey and replied, "Well, when your donkey sneezes 3 times." The man laughed, "Well i'll be alive for awhile for my donkey has never sneezed." Just then as the man finished the donkey sneezed. He laughed, "Well 2 more left--" and the donkey sneezed again. "AHHHHHHHH I'M GOING TO DIE!!!!!" so the man ran around and tried to find a way to prevent the donkey from sneezing. He then found 2 rocks and stuffed them in the donkeys nostrils. He walked away laughing but as he turned the donkey tried to sneeze continusly and finaly shot the rocks right out of his nose hitting the man in the back of the head killing him instantly.

Thanks.

by jbaker

I actually found a post in the M$ knowledgebase that says (in response to Internet Explorer printing webpages incorrectly): "This is expected behavior."

Reminded me of the the it's not a bug thing.

"We know it does not work, and we have no intention of fixing it."

by jdclyde

Maybe if you wouldn't have been staring at her T&A as she went through the door you would have gotten away with it?

That is why SMART guys wear sunglasses ALL the time.

by jck

Gents (and those of you who aren't)...

Chivalry isn't dead...it has just evolved.

Instead of treating every woman like a lady...now, I just indulge the ones who *behave* like a lady with the gentlemanly mannerisms accordingly.

Same thought process with other things, like loaning money to family, etc.

"Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me."

That's how I have to live...otherwise, I get very taken advantage of...

And btw...if a woman *ever* filed a complaint against me for sexual harassment for holding a door open...and the company followed through with action...I'd have an attorney so far up the company's arse that he'd see the sunlight coming in their nostrils. And, I'd sue her for defamation of character.

God...it's Monday...too soon to get worked up.

by maecuff

all like that! BTW, I think sweetest day is ridiculous. My husband doesn't buy me gifts and likewise, I don't buy him gifts for sweetest day. It's silly and at best, should only be recognized by high school students.

My husband isn't one to buy presents for specific holidays, like Valentine's day, etc. however, he does sweet and considerate things the rest of the year. Too bad more women can't see the benefit in having a considerate 'other half'. I'd take that over chocolate and flowers any day.

by jck

Love and caring for someone isn't limited to certain days on a calendar.

And, it certainly doesn't mean you can't show your affection for your special someone outside of those events.

by hal 9000

Didn't have anything at all to do with it as the female complained directly to the Government Agency. Personally I think it had several factors behind the complaint one being that she was heavily pregnant at the time and wanted to make sure her job was safe when she wanted to return to work {after all if she had of been laid off she could have claimed discrimination}, secondly her husband was in the navy and was on sea duty and she had just received news that he wouldn't be back on the projected date and would in all likely hood miss the birth of the baby so she was a bit worked up. :)

I just happened to be an easy target for her to let out her pent up frustration and make her job secure. It is just the unfairness of actions like this that get up my nose as in all honesty by going outside the companies chain of command she should have been terminated immediately but because she did she then had a valid claim for being discriminated against if she was fired. :)

Col ]:)

by jck

At most places I've worked if she'd have gone outside of the company with a complaint to a government agency, she'd have been fired no matter what. Especially if the agency came back with a finding that nothing occurred.

She simply stepped outside of the process of informing each boss up the chain to the company HR. And if she didn't inform the company, there is no liability for them as she didn't inform them of the improper and/or illegal act.

BTW...I would have gone for the throat. Her claim (whatever it was) is what ruins the system for women *and* men who have legitimate claims and follow the process properly.

by itgirli

An Irishman moves to the USA and attended his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hit a
double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"
The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again
cheered, "RUN, RUN!"
The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy bastard, run!"
The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"

by itgirli

At a small farm house in Ireland a young daughter returns after several years away from home. Her father comes up to greet her and asks, "My daughter, what have you done?"
His daughter looks up at him and cries, "I became a prostitute!"
"What!"
She starts to sob, "But I brought you home money and a new car, and I brought mama new dresses and diamonds, and my brother I brought a rolex and gold, and..."
At this point her father stops her, "What did you say you became?"
"A prostitute."
Her father gathers her up in his arms, "Thank Jesus and Mary, give your dad a hug. I thought you said a Protestant."

by hal 9000

At the beginning of the Sexual Harassment era there was the option to go direct to the Government Agency and not involve the company who at the time had nothing in place to deal with these complaints. ;)

As for a finding well it never did happen because I refused to play along and even got the woman from the Government to insist that I treat her the same way I would treat one of my staff so I could swear and she after initially complaining I just responded "But you said that you wouldn't tolerate any Sexual Harassment now you want me to Sexually Harass you is that right?" :D

She dug her own grave on that one and I was laughing all the way back to the workshop where I refused to move from and do any service calls. That lasted for about .5 of a day when a woman from the Government rang me up wanting to know when I would be coming out to fix her computers and I said that because of something that had occurred here I can not leave the office. She rang the State Sales Manager and found out what had happened and then rang the Sexual Harassment Office and got the low down after she finished laughing I'm told that she threatened to withdraw their funding and shut them down. :)

She wanted her computers fixed by me and wouldn't take any thing less and the moral of the story is you never piss off someone higher up the food chain that what you are particularly in Government work. This dear was nearing retiring age and she was well over 60 at the time but that never stooped her telling me dirty jokes and worse but she worked in the Premiers Office and was in charge of the finances so she always got her way. :D

While I wanted it to go to Court to set a precedent and then I could have the girl fired it was just dropped and the girl left a few weeks latter never to return, apparently all of the people who she worked directly with would have nothing at all to do with her so she found her position untenable but if she had of made the complaint about one particular sales guy who she worked for it most likely would have been proved. I had a stream of crying women coming down telling me exactly what was going on as they where all questioned about my actions and every one of them stood their ground and insisted that I was one of the good guys. They where told not to approach me for their own protection and every one of them totally ignored this instruction then systematically tore the girl to shreds at every opportunity. Apparently she could not get any help at all after she made the complaint so she decided that she was better off out of the place.

And there I was telling them all to help her as I really wanted to go to Court but when the Equal Opportunity Commissioner dropped the case like a hot potato because their funding was under attack and although I would say some common sense prevailed but they where Bureaucrats involved so that couldn't happen. :)

It just boils down to who you know rather than what you know and honestly it just wasn't worth the effort.

Col ]:)

by jck

I'm glad you got out clean, man.

Yeah, I work in government now. And, I am the guy right below the department supervisor (being groomed to take over for him in about 10-15 years). But, I try to *NEVER* piss off *ANY* of the computer techs. Even tho they are below me technically in rank, I 1) still respect the fact that they together have 30+ years experience here, and 2) I don't consider my title to be any delineator of how valuable I am to anyone.

So, although it is almost certainly detrimental to piss off a superior...it doesn't help if you're only worrying about what pee goes up stream from you. ;)

by craig herberg

Do you get cut off for a long time, or just a few minutes at a time? If it's a long time, that eliminates satellite as an alternative.

by jck

If it's a slow mover, and how big the cell pattern is of the storm.

I think the most I've had it be out due to rain was 30 minutes...and that was a huge storm system that came in off the gulf.

Remember, I'm in hurricane country...we get rain out the butt sometimes. Depending on what your area of the world is like, you'll have to make the decision.

Personally, I'm looking into Dish Network. Same rain interference problems...about $15 a month cheaper.

by oz_media

Was wondering where'd you'd been. Thanks for the yuk, good to hear from you again. :D

by itgirli

I finished one contract job and couldn't find another. I'm finally in another one, and this one is going to make me direct. Thank God.

by jessie

I don't know about yours, but my boat's got a hole in the bottom. :( I'm a "contract to hire" employee, and when I came on here, I told the contract company that it was very important to me to be able to be hired after 3 months, as my family needs health insurance. They agreed and said it was written into the contract that the company I'm contracted TO would be able to hire me on full time after 3 months.

Well, my 3 months came and went... about a month and a half ago, and I was told that in order for them to hire me full time at 3 months instead of waiting the full 6 months, the company I'm contracted to would have to pay 15% of my annual salary to the contracting company, so they're goint to wait until my 6 month anniversary... wouldn't be a huge problem except that I'm expecting hubby's and my 5th child in July, and my 6 month anniversary will come up in June... meaning I'll have new or NO insurance when baby arrives. Think I'll start reading up on Home birth...

by jck

I could clue you into where there will be a job next year.

hahaha...but, I can't right now... sorry :D

by sleepin'dawg

Prince Charles was reversing his Land Rover out of the garage when he ran over the Queen's favorite corgi. He got out and found the corgi dead, squashed to a pulp. Just then a Genie popped up and said "Your highness I can give you one wish. What would you like?"

The Prince said "This is mummy's favorite dog. Can you bring it back to life?".

So the Genie said "Let's have a look at the dog." "Oh no, nothing can be done with this dog, you ran over it with the Land Rover there is too much damage to the dog ... nothing can be done".

"But you must," says the Prince, "It's mummy's favorite!".

"I'm sorry" said the Genie, "there's no way I can bring it back to life".

"OK" said the prince, "But do I still have a wish?".

"Yes", said the Genie.

"Well", said the Prince, "I'm marrying Camilla in a few days, could you make her as beautiful as Diana was?".

The Genie thought for a while then said "Let's have another look at the dog".

Dawg

by jck

That was hilarious!

Good show...that deserves a Guinness...I'll drink it for ya ;)

by jessie

Drink one for me too would ya? That was HI-larious! At least now, Charles is married to someone as attractive as he is.

by itgirli

And I'm guessing they do not offer health insurance at the contracting company. My son and I have been without health coverage for nearly 2 years now and he's behind on his shots. Luckily I know these people will be hiring me direct, as I was made to go to their open benefits discussion for that purpose. I hope that they get your stuff straight soon. Good luck. Is it a boy or girl?

by jck

apotheon: hahaha...I *know* you're in FL... :P

ITgirli: Tampa metro. About 45 mi outside of Tampa.

by jck

It will be, if all holds true, a job doing mostly Windows-based support.

You're not into Windows, right? ;)

by jessie

Her name will be DeLenn (minbari ambassador on bab5) Rose (after dh's gma).

My kids actually qualify for medicaid so we're okay there. My pg is covered on medicaid as well. I know that in Wisconsin and Missouri, you can get the kids immunization shots for free from the Health Department. You might check into that in VA.

by hal 9000

Other than her total lack of looks but I'm betting we will never be told what it is. ;)

There is however a rumor circulating that she is capable of sucking a medicine ball through a 50 foot garden hose with brass fittings every 3 inches. Perhaps that's why Charles head has caved in. :p

Col }:)