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  • #2175375

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by oz_media ยท

    Well HAPPY FRIDAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! EVERYONE!!
    (Don’t know wht I’m so damn excited about it’s not like I actually DO anything afterall) ๐Ÿ™‚

    So without further adieu;

    [b]The Top 5 Rejected Barnum & Bailey Circus Acts[/b]

    5. Ten Drunk Clowns and One Mighty Frightened Monkey!
    4. Mrs. Irma Morgan and Doll-Baby, Her Amazing Trained Pekingese
    3. The Royal Lipizzaner Cattle
    2. Jim Bob and the All-Nude Barnyard Revue

    And the number one Rejected Barnum & Bailey Circus Act….
    1. Tom, the Man Who Burns to Death (today only)

    Now go get have a drink, damn you all! MUWAHAHAHAHA ]:)

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #3330836

      PSYCHO TEST

      by jaqui ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Want to make sure what state of mind you are all in! lol

      PSYCHO TEST

      Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question.
      It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right-including me.
      A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing,
      so much her dream guy, she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number
      and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
      Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer).

      SCROLL DOWN.
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      Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous
      American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer
      Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn’t answer the question
      correctly good for you.
      If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick you off, then
      I’ll just be extra nice to you from now on.
      Be sure to share the test!

      • #3330821

        Sorry Mate But

        by hal 9000 ยท

        In reply to PSYCHO TEST

        I got the answer right! ๐Ÿ˜€

        Oh buy the way I’ll get really upset if I get knocked off your list and I’ll be sharpening my chain saw blade just for the occasion. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Anyway I’m off to sharpen that Chain Saw Blade before I teach you how to juggle a running chainsaw with the safety’s removed. ๐Ÿ˜€

        Col ]:)

      • #3330802

        Be nice to me

        by roger99a ยท

        In reply to PSYCHO TEST

        It could be that I think like a cop. Or it could be the 23 credit hours of Psych I took in college because the psych building was next to the history building and I was too lazy to walk down the hill. Or I could be crazy.

        • #3330794

          Crazy

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to Be nice to me

          Sounds better so run with it. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Col ]:)

      • #3330781

        Excellent

        by salamander ยท

        In reply to PSYCHO TEST

        I can think of a few people I’d like to administer this test to…

      • #3330779

        Ouch!

        by bfilmfan ยท

        In reply to PSYCHO TEST

        I guess I don’t get no more mail from Jaqui!

        And I actually read that in an Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine story, but didn’t know it was anything other than a witty ending to a story!

      • #3330778

        hey

        by jaqui ยท

        In reply to PSYCHO TEST

        I just snagged it and put it up.
        since I figured the correct answer myself.

        but I got a new one.

        http://quizilla.com/users/retromex/quizzes/Which%20Napoleon%20Dynamite%20character%20are%20you%3F/

        • #3330774

          Okay…

          by salamander ยท

          In reply to hey

          As I’ve not seen “Napolean Dynamite,” somebody has to explain my results to me…

          “You are Deb. You are very creative, always on the look out for new business opportunities, can wear a side pony tail with flair, and your mom goes to college.”

          ?????

        • #3322602

          beats me

          by jaqui ยท

          In reply to Okay…

          as I’ve never seen the show either.

        • #3322514

          I saw it a few months ago

          by oz_media ยท

          In reply to Okay…

          But I don’t know what relation your results have to the movie. The movie was pretty stale, just a dorky kid in school.

        • #3330767

          Jaqui you are an evil, evil man almost as bad as Col.

          by sleepin’dawg ยท

          In reply to hey

          ROTFLMAO :^O

          Dawg ๐Ÿ˜‰

        • #3330759

          Hey

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to Jaqui you are an evil, evil man almost as bad as Col.

          What did I do? ๐Ÿ˜€

          Col ]:)

        • #3325873

          Col; the fact you of all people would ask that indicates……………

          by sleepin’dawg ยท

          In reply to Hey

          A true deviousness found only amongst Australian IT consultants and Mercedes restorers. I mean dropping a car on yourself has to be the ultimate excuse to duck work. All your fog ducking has earned you the degree of Master Fog Ducker Cum Laude.

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3325819

          Well if I really wanted to duck work

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to Col; the fact you of all people would ask that indicates……………

          I would have found a far less painful way of doing it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

          Hey I also have a 1982 900 SS Ducati so I’m not all bad after all it is very fast and I’ve never had it to full speed yet. But that was only because the race track didn’t have a long enough straight. ๐Ÿ˜€

          I’m really nice truly I am. ]:)

          But that bloody car incident was not only painful but I had to get back under it to finish off what I had started. But I had numerous people hovering around me to make sure that they could pull me out if it fell again. I never get under anything that requires jack stands without having someone close by those things are far too dangerous and I’m constantly told by the voices in my head that Heaven will not accept me and Hell is far too afraid that I’ll take the place over so I’m totally unwanted and I’m kept alive just to save any inconvenience to those higher powers. ๐Ÿ˜€

          Col ]:)

        • #3330760

          Jaqu now I’m really offended

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to hey

          I come out as Tatter Tots {what ever they are but they don’t look all that nice!} ๐Ÿ™‚

          I think it is time I start teaching you how to juggle a running chain saw with the safety’s removed and a nice furry little kitten. If the chain saw don’t get you or the cat the cat sure as HELL will! ๐Ÿ˜€

          Col ]:)

      • #3325828

        I’ve seen that one before…

        by jessie ยท

        In reply to PSYCHO TEST

        And the team lead I had at that job actually DID answer the question correctly. The rest of us were all stumped. So, I called him a serial killer once, and then decided, I REALLY REALLY didn’t want to piss him off!!!!

        • #3325814

          When you called him a Serial Killer

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to I’ve seen that one before…

          Had you recently seen the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or something similar? ๐Ÿ˜‰

          Or was the look he gave you enough to make you think it wasn’t such a good idea? ๐Ÿ™‚

          Actually it has its benefits if the Boss is far too afraid of “Pissing You Off” you have an easy life and only do what you really want to do. ๐Ÿ˜€

          Col ]:)

        • #3325809

          I came to a startling realization…

          by jessie ยท

          In reply to When you called him a Serial Killer

          that in his “spare” time, my team lead was a rancher/farmer — did LOTS of heavy lifting and had PLENTY of sharp implements lying around… I didn’t want to come to work one day and get a pitchfork stuck in my eye. Eeek!!!

        • #3325786

          That sounds like a good idea

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to I came to a startling realization…

          It would have helped him no end in controlling his staff as well wouldn’t it? ๐Ÿ™‚

          I can see it now a new person comes to the team and wants to have a go at the team leader so all the rest of the team drag him/her kicking and screaming away to have a little talk to them on how to behave with this boss. ๐Ÿ˜‰ You could always point to a stain on the floor and say that is what happened to the last person who made a complaint and we can not get the stain removed no matter how hard we try.

          Of course you would have to embellish it all up a bit and say something like he cut them up into little pieces and then threw some into the industrial bin out the back some he flushed down the toilet and maybe he forgot some and they are still in the freezer so be careful what you pickup when you go there. ๐Ÿ˜€

          Col ]:)

        • #3325754

          That’d have worked well…

          by jessie ยท

          In reply to That sounds like a good idea

          As it was a LARGE pharmaceutical manufacturing campus with all kinds of VATS and maintenance hallways… a body could disappear in there and NEVER be found…

        • #3342480

          Adds a new twist on

          by jdclyde ยท

          In reply to I came to a startling realization…

          getting poked by the boss….

    • #3330817

      A VERY GOOD REASON TO BE ON TIME

      by hal 9000 ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician,
      who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed
      in the traffic. So….. the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I heard here.

      I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer.

      Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”

      Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

      “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

      Moral: DON’T EVER, EVER, BE LATE

      OK I don’t know if this has been posted previously but it is one of the few that I hear that I can put up here without being chucked out for being way too offensive. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Col ]:)

      • #3330777

        Hahaha

        by bfilmfan ยท

        In reply to A VERY GOOD REASON TO BE ON TIME

        That fits most of the Georgia politicians that I have ever known, including the state attorney general, a couple of judges, 5 US Congressional representatives, 4 mayors of the city of Atlanta, 4 governors, one of whom became President (he had moral values tho, so he was real boring and we kicked him out of office so we could get in a First Lady that liked to set her hubby’s schedule by the stars…).

        Lord I know too many politicios!

      • #3325834

        Hope this doesn’t offend the zealots…

        by cp7212 ยท

        In reply to A VERY GOOD REASON TO BE ON TIME

        Jesus

        A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, “He was born in a manger.”

        Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.”

        Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.”

        Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?”

        “From my Daddy,” said Little Johnny.

        “Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, ‘Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive?!?'”

        • #3325817

          You should be safe with that one

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to Hope this doesn’t offend the zealots…

          After all it is very mild so if anyone complains I’ll come back with something much worse. ๐Ÿ˜‰

          Col ]:)

        • #3325778

          I didn’t like it

          by oz_media ยท

          In reply to You should be safe with that one

          I think that using Jesus Christ in such a loose manner is not appropriate! It is making light of the Christian Religion eas a whole, after all I was born into the Church of England, though technically born on a pub’s kitchen table.

        • #3325717

          What a crock of #### OZ

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to I didn’t like it

          You are just trying to be difficult and your normal self. ๐Ÿ˜€ Now be nice as BCFILM has just given you 1000 points that you didn’t deserve, that answer was pure crap and you know it. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Now about being born into the Church of England on a bar room table ๐Ÿ˜‰ They say GOD sees everything and no matter where you are you are always under the sight of GOD, poor old Guru of Dos must have some very sore eyes as he is seeing everything and taking notes to see if you’ve been naughty or nice so unless you start behaving better there will be no Chrissy Presents for you this year. ๐Ÿ˜€

          And because you have been “Such a Naughty Little Boy” just like Brian you know the one “He’s Not Your Messiah He’s Nothing But a Naughty Little Boy” there in all likely hood will be no Easter Eggs for you either and every horse that you back over the Easter Break will run last or throw a jockey and be disqualified. ]:)

          If you don’t start behaving very soon there will be no more whales to watch, no more Kayaking {the only thing that you will be able to do that comes close is find yourself in a barbed wire canoe up the creek without a paddle and the tide will be against you as well, with piranha in the water just to make sure that you do not do anything wrong} in nice peaceful quite places with fantastic views no more quite life where you can do as you please as I’ll arrange it with GOD to have you Deported from Canada as an UNDESIRABLE DISTURBING INFLUENCE back to Britain where you can serve out the rest of your very long sentence in one of those old jail Hulks that they have there. You know the ones they where captured from Germany after WW1 finished and where kept under guard by the British Navy for the protection of the German Crews. It doesn’t matter that they where all scuttled by their crews you will just have a lovely cool area in a small over crowded hold with no views and no food as you will have drowned so it will be unnecessary. ๐Ÿ˜€

          Col ]:)

        • #3325688

          So there IS something to look forward too!

          by oz_media ยท

          In reply to What a crock of #### OZ

          Damn Colin that sounds like a whole LOT of actuvuty and excitement. MAN, what an adventure my life will be, and there I was thinking I’ve slowed down.

          As for the comments, you said if anyone complained you would add a better one, THAT was all you got??
          ๐Ÿ™

          As for horses, you REALLY went too far on that one, wiching bad horse luck is just NOT cool at all. That is burned into my brain now and I WILL begrudge you with every dollar lost next weekend I promise you that. I can take a lot of humour, I couldn’t care less what you say about me but DON’T be playing with the horse gods, that there just isn’t humour at all.

          Deport me to England? I have been thinking of ways to be deported for a couple of years now, I would welcome it for the cheap move cost. My next flight one way is over $6500.00 CDA so I would really appriciate any bad words you could put in to the Canadian government for me.

          As for BFilm fan, my answer was up to par with all the other crappy answers too. There was no solution, it was a bitch session, who am I not to play in THAT game?

        • #3325639

          OK OZ I’ll dig something up

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to So there IS something to look forward too!

          But I just might post it to you instead of listing it here as I’m sure it will raise a few complaints. Anyway most of them are picture ones that are part way acceptable the straight jokes are way too blue for this forum. ๐Ÿ˜€

          As for the Horse Gods with a bit of luck the place will be rained out and the track so heavy that they will have to fill the jockeys up with helium to get the horses to even move. I know of course that will not stop you betting on race meetings elsewhere but it should serve as a warning to you. ๐Ÿ˜‰

          What the best way to get you thrown out of a county is to report you to customs as a drug courier after the body cavity search they will deport you anyway when you try to get back into the country. The AU Customs Service did that to the NZ Prime Minister last time she was leaving this place and they didn’t even get into any trouble she must have enjoyed it as she never made a formal complaint. ๐Ÿ™‚ But of course the media got hold of the story and blew it all up to make the current Government look as stupid as they are. Can you imagine the same thing happening to GWB? Now that would be an interesting exercise in diplomacy wouldn’t it? ๐Ÿ˜€

          Col ]:)

        • #3325637

          OK OZ try this one on for size

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to I didn’t like it

          I think it has been posted here previously but at least it isn’t over the top and should not bring on any complaints.

          So, I’m standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A car load of well meaning, bible thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle aged professionally dressed woman rushes forward…She takes my arm and with trembling voice she asks….”Have you found Jesus?” Her eyes plead with an urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop.

          Now normally I just politely decline the sermon, and free religious paperwork that such folk pawn off on unsuspecting by-standers. But, unfortunately for her, she is the fourth car to accost me in the last 9 minutes. So by now I’m beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with these people. I mean if its not Christians, it is the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Can a simple Druid get no peace?
          So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic I reply, “You people lost him, again??”
          The woman looks confused. This is not the response she was hoping for and she needs to regroup. She takes a deep breath intending to launch into her sales pitch for her God, and church, paying no heed to the concept that I might not be into being converted. I decide to not let her get going, so I launch into a speech of my own…
          “What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you’ve lost Him!” I hit her with a glare of accusation. “I mean really…” I take a measured breath. “How do you expect to have anyone follow a deity that you can’t even find!”
          The poor woman looks stunned. This isn’t going so good. Panicked, she looks desperately to the car… Surely one of the men can help…. Undaunted I press on… “Maybe the problem is with you people… I mean Muslims never seem to lose their deity. Come to think of it neither do Jews, or Pagans of any kind.”
          I look at the man getting out of the car. He’s all smiles. “I realize you people used to burn people like me at the stake… What was that about… deity even? I may be a Pagan-heathen, but I have never ever woke up panicked that I couldn’t find my Goddess or God. They are always right where they should be… In the fire of my candle, in the air that I breathe, in the earth that I stand on, in the water of my spring. I never feel abandoned by my deity(ies).”
          “Of course, you Christians aren’t much fun…” I continue. By now they are all out of the car. Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words. “Of course,” I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. “He could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly He was Jewish. So if you are really so eager to find him…” I smile gently to soften the blow. “Check the nearest synagogue. He’s probably in there.”

          Slowly they climb back into their car and drive away. I stand at the bus stop… No pamphlets, no bible, no dogma. I haven’t found Jesus, but I haven’t lost him either
          Oh, and if you’ve found Jesus, please get his face on the evening news A.S.A.P so the Christians can stop looking for him.

          Col ]:)

        • #3325635

          Or how about this one it involves Jesus, God and Satan

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to OK OZ try this one on for size

          Satan went to God complaining of the way he was treated by everyone. He said I?m as good as Jesus and I can do as much as him but everyone keeps putting me down and spits on me and my name whenever it?s mentioned. I do not think this is fair and I think we should have a competition to see who the better of the two of us is!

          God thinks for a moment and agrees so God arranges the competition.

          When Satan & Jesus enter the examination area they are faced with two brand new computers and told to do the books and all the rest to promote heaven to be used as a promotional show to get more followers. Then told you have one hour to finish and the winner will be declared as my son for the next 2 Million Years.

          The both start typing furiously and Satan has all the programs open at once and is constantly switching between applications when the computer needs to process different things. Instead of doing like Jesus who is doing one thing at a time.

          Well everything goes quite well and Satan is miles in front when 2 minutes before the end of the competition a dark cloud passes overhead, there is a loud clap of thunder and the power goes out. 30 seconds latter the power comes back on and both reboot their computers Satan to his horror finds that he has lost all of his work but Jesus just continues from where he left off.

          Satan jumps up and down complaining that the test has been rigged and the whole thing was unfair.

          God?s response to Satan is ?Jesus Saves!?

          Col ]:)

        • #3325542

          OOOOh migawd(s). Here I was thinking I was the only surviving druid

          by sleepin’dawg ยท

          In reply to Or how about this one it involves Jesus, God and Satan

          ROTFLMAO Both are hilarious. I can’t wait for the next JW or Seventh Day Adventist to show up so I can try that one out. I’d heard the begining before but your refinement to the ending just blows me away. Absolutely effing hilarious!!!!

          Dawg ]:) :^O

        • #3322600

          hissss

          by jaqui ยท

          In reply to Or how about this one it involves Jesus, God and Satan

          turning the yuck into a good work habits posting.
          shame on you.

        • #3322531

          I’m sorry Jaqui

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to Or how about this one it involves Jesus, God and Satan

          I’ll go say my 200,000 Hail Marys and no wait a minute I’ll try to drink 200,000 Bloody Marys instead and just forget what you’ve said. ๐Ÿ˜€

          Col ]:)

        • #3329060

          Normally, I would apologize…..

          by cp7212 ยท

          In reply to I didn’t like it

          ….but I’ve heard so much crap about the evils of America, that I actually feel good about posting the joke. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thanks for the reinforcement, Hal.

        • #3329042

          Apologize?

          by oz_media ยท

          In reply to Normally, I would apologize…..

          NEVER EVER apologize for having a sense of humour!

          It’s just really too bad so many other people don’t have a good sense of humour, or even worse still, a SELECTIVE sense of humour as to what is funny and what isn’t. Some people will laugh at one minority whil edefending another, will crack one religious joke while taking offense to another, selective humour isn’t humour. Finding a way to take everything as a joke worth a giggle IS having a sense of humour.

          You realize I expect a good turnout from you on this Friday’s Yuk now. ๐Ÿ˜€

          I’ve already picked my Friday Yuk for this week, I didn’t want to double post last week.

          EDIT: Now that I read the title of my post, I can’t get Kevin Bloody Wilson out of my head, perhaps Colin will appreciate it, being an Aussie and all.

          “Apologize, apologize….APOLOGIZE to WHO?

          Just call us up and ask for operator 42.”

          From the ” Stick that f’in phone up your f’n a** ” song ๐Ÿ˜€

        • #3342574

          What’s a “Kevin Bloody Wilson?”

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to Apologize?

          Never heard of such a thing must be something to do with some off the wall American Humor. ๐Ÿ˜€

          Not Bloody Likely he’s good isn’t he? :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3342542

          KBW

          by oz_media ยท

          In reply to Apologize?

          Absolutely side splitting humour. Man can that guy get me laughing HARD! I have had friends who pick up on a bit every now and then and just start howling, but unless they listen to him much they miss most of it because of the Aussie slang and the Yobbo accent.

          Myself, I bow to him. TO top it all off, he’s got a really good band too, not just a joke, those guys REALLY play a lot of different styles!

          Another fav from him is of course Hey Santa Claus, I love the Last Lager Waltz, Stick that Phone and I’ve learned to Breath Through My Ears. (forget the actual title of that one) “I’ve got a tongue that’s 10″ long, and I’ve learned to breath through my ears”

          Then there’s DO You F*** On First Dates, which is a rib tickler too, actually I like pretty much all of his stuff now that I think of it. ๐Ÿ˜€

          Ahhh, good old Yobbo strikes again!

    • #3330780

      ROTFL

      by bfilmfan ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Too damned funny! I actually have a friend that graduated clown school at Barnum and Bailey’s.

      And just as an additional thought, have you ever heard Royal Crown Revue’s “The Rise And Fall Of The Great Mondello?”

      It features the memorable lyrics, set to gangster swing bop:

      “This cat was flying through with
      The greatest of ease
      All of a sudden he missed the trapeze
      Down and down, down and down
      Kersplatty on the ground”

    • #3330725

      Yuk

      by guru of d0s ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      As usual Oz old buddy, it sounds like you made the most of St. Patrick’s Day!!

      A guy is visiting the circus, and needs to answer the call of nature. He finds his way to the gents, and the only available ‘standing room’ is in between two dwarves.

      Taking aim, he proceeds to relieve himself, and notices that the dwarf to his left looks like he’s having a fit.

      “Are you ok?” he asks.

      “Oh yes….it’s just that I’m the Human Cannonball and several years of being fired out of a cannon twice a night has left me with a nasty muscle spasm in my neck.”

      “Oh wow! Thats a bit nasty, isn’t it?”

      “Ah, you get used to it”, replied the dwarf.

      The guy turns his attention back to the job in hand, and notices that the dwarf to his right is also shaking his head.

      “Don’t tell me!”, he asks the dwarf, “You’re a human cannonball too?”

      “Nope!”, the dwarf replies. “It’s just that every time you talk to Fred, you’re p***ing in my ear!”

    • #3325872

      Backup trauma. Nasty little video for IT managers.

      by sleepin’dawg ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      • #3325810

        Of course I did

        by bhunsinger ยท

        In reply to Backup trauma. Nasty little video for IT managers.

        push the button

        • #3325788

          Well with John Cleese

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to Of course I did

          What else could you do? ๐Ÿ™‚

          Like all of his training films that is another great example of just how funny he actually is. Now if only someone would get him to do a MS Office video on how not to use the various Applications in office we would have far fewer problems. A place like LearnKey would be brilliant for him. I can just see him now telling you what not to do with a pivot table or a mail merge. ๐Ÿ˜€

          Col ]:)

      • #3325776

        ALRIGHT DAWG!!!!

        by oz_media ยท

        In reply to Backup trauma. Nasty little video for IT managers.

        Now THAT was a good Friday Yuk! John Cleese in the morning, now THAT was fun! I especially liked the Clockwork Orange ending, and YES I pressed the Third Button! ๐Ÿ˜€

        • #3325666

          Glad you enjoyed it.

          by sleepin’dawg ยท

          In reply to ALRIGHT DAWG!!!!

          The miniature BSOD was the frosting on the cake.

          Dawg ]:)

      • #3325599

        ROTFL

        by bfilmfan ยท

        In reply to Backup trauma. Nasty little video for IT managers.

        That should be the required first step for anyone asking a question on how to recover hard disks in the technical foums!

        TFF!

    • #3322529

      One Smart Dog

      by jaqui ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.

      The first man was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

      To show off, the engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

      But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

      But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop! Everyone agreed that was good.

      Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said, “What can your dog do?”

      The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, “do your stuff.” Coffee Break slowly got on his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers’ compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave

    • #3322527

      Arrogance in action!!

      by jaqui ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995

      **** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations****

      10-10-95.

      Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

      Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

      Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

      Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

      Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

      Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

    • #3322526

      WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!

      by jaqui ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,” DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various other corporations which depend on subsidies to stay in business.

      This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided corporate welfare the IRS helps mastermind.

      These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don’t be among them!

    • #3322523

      VIRUSES

      by jaqui ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Ellen Degeneres virus Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.
      Monica Lewinsky virus Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
      Titanic virus Makes your whole computer go down.
      Disney virus Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
      Mike Tyson virus Quits after one byte.
      Prozac virus Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
      Sharon Stone virus Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.
      Lorena Bobbit virus Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
      Tim Allen virus Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
      Woody Allen virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
      Saddam Hussein virus Won’t let you into any of your programs.
      Tonya Harding virus Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
      George Michaels virus Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
      Joey Buttafuoco virus Only attacks minor files
      X-files virus All your Icons start shapeshifting.
      Spice Girl virus Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
      Ronald Reagan virus Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
      Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
      Sony Bono virus Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
      Martha Stewart virus Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
      Oprah Winfrey virus Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands to 300GB.
      AT&T virus Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
      MCI virus Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re >paying too much for the AT&T virus.
      Arnold Schwarzenegger virus Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
      Viagra virus Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.

    • #3322522

      Letter of Recommendation

      by jaqui ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Subject: Letter of recommendation??

      The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:

      Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
      hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently,without
      wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
      thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
      finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
      measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
      breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
      vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
      knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
      classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
      dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
      promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
      executed as soon as possible.

      Sd/-

      Project Leader

      ——————————————————————-

      A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
      That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
      report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
      numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc…) for my true assessment of him.

      Regards –

    • #3322515

      One of those great mathematical proofs:

      by jaqui ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

      Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
      Postulate 2: Time is Money.

      As every engineer knows,

      Work
      ———– = Power
      Time

      Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:

      Work
      ———– = Knowledge
      Money

      Solving for Money, we get:

      Work
      ———– = Money
      Knowledge

      Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

      Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

      • #3322509

        Totally Correct

        by hal 9000 ยท

        In reply to One of those great mathematical proofs:

        I couldn’t agree more with the points expressed in the above.

        Every time I’ve actually worked for a Boss their Company Owner/Manager is next to useless and is more often than not a real problem because they come up with these bright ideas which can not work and then they insist that we make them work. Of course they are constantly complaining about the cost involved in attempting to make their neat solution actually part way work and are always claiming that we do know what we are doing! ๐Ÿ™‚

        The last time I was confronted by this attitude I just suggested that as I was such a no hoper how about the guy who came up with the idea implement it? Well I’ll give him this much he did try and then after making a far bigger mess left it to me to clean up. Not so sure that it was such a bright idea after that. ๐Ÿ™

        Col ]:)

    • #3322511

      WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BOUGHT COMPUTERS?

      by jaqui ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did . . .

      HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
      CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
      HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
      CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
      HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
      CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

      HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
      CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
      HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
      CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know?”
      HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”
      CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
      HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
      CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

      HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
      CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
      HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
      CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”
      HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
      CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”
      HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
      CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”

    • #3322510

      Star Trek & Microsoft

      by jaqui ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      “Star Trek Lost Episodes” transcript “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?”

      “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.”

      “What the hell is `Microsoft’?”

      “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”

      “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”

      “Yes, Captain. But when `Windows’ detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade’. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.”

      “Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”

      . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

      “Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows’ in the Borg’s command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade’.”

      “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”

      “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.”

      “Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade’. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.”

      “Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ….”

      “Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !”

      “Data, what does your scanners show?”

      “Apparently the Borg have found the internal `Windows’ module named `Solitaire’, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.”

      “Let’s wait and see how long this `Solitaire’ can reduce their functionality.”

      . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

      “Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?”

      “As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows’ modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack’.

      “How much time will that buy us?”

      “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.”

      “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”

      “Identify.”

      “It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’ logo…”

      “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY.”

      “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.”

      “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!”

      “My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship – with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!”

      “I don’t believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.”

      “Lawyers!!”

      “It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”

      “True, but apparently some must have survived.”

      “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.”

      “I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as `red tape’. It often proves fatal.”

      “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!”

      “Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn’t deserve such a gruesome death!”
      • #3322507

        Now that just isn’t right one little bit

        by hal 9000 ยท

        In reply to Star Trek & Microsoft

        It’s just plain unfair Jaqui. You accuse me of bring correct usage policies to the Friday Yuk and through an Alcohol Induced Haze I find you’ve done exactly the same thing. ๐Ÿ™

        Well I’m now off to have a go at finishing all of those Bloody Marys that are still in the line before all the ice melts and I start getting really drunk. ๐Ÿ™‚ Provided the ice doesn’t melt I’m safe. :p

        Of course do you realize that you have offended every Lawyer in the world with that joke as well? They’ll all be after you now for defaming them. God I’m lucky I’m not in your shoes. ๐Ÿ˜€

        Col ]:)

        • #3322354

          it’s not work related…

          by jaqui ยท

          In reply to Now that just isn’t right one little bit

          the borg?
          star trek tng?

          and lawyers, the lowest form of life ( besides cockroaches )?

        • #3322345

          Hey, why do you want to insult cockroaches???

          by sleepin’dawg ยท

          In reply to it’s not work related…

          What did they ever do to you???

          Dawg

        • #3322344

          I think Cockroaches

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to it’s not work related…

          Rate at a higher level than Lawyers. Don’t they?

          Anyway it was the unlicensed or pirate copy of Windows that is work related nothing else. :p

          Col ]:)

    • #3322421

      I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather

      by neilb@uk ยท

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

      • #3322326

        That’s my favorite bumper sticker

        by oz_media ยท

        In reply to I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather

        I have only seen it a couple of times but I die laughing whenever I see it. (thanks!)

        I personally think bumper stickers in general are tacky yahoo crap. I can see getting small window sticker for your RV of all the places you visit, but ‘I (heart) my cat’ is just lame, who really gives a ***k who you (heart)while you’re driving down the highway? Honking your horn without reason is illegal in most states and Canadian provinces anyway, so where’s the ha ha in that?

        Just stupid Billy-Jimbo crap to me.
        I will excuse Vets who have perhaps a crest sticker on a window showing their pride or indicatig thei service, or something like that, but
        “I AM A VETERAN THAT KILLED 800 MEN WITH MY NOSTRIL HAIR!!” (Stuck on the winder under the gun rack) just ain’t doin it fer me! :p

        But hey, that’s just my dime. ๐Ÿ™‚

        • #3322319

          Well I’ve seen this one a few times

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to That’s my favorite bumper sticker

          It reads “Stop Violent Women” I really love that one. ๐Ÿ˜‰

          Or the other one that I’ve only seen once which read “I run through windows but I swerve for Penguins.” ๐Ÿ™‚

          I just love them both although I’ve never been able to find a place that actually sells the things. ๐Ÿ™

          Col ]:)

        • #3329081

          I’be thought about printing a few up,

          by oz_media ยท

          In reply to Well I’ve seen this one a few times

          It’s easy enough with a PC nowadays.

          But as I said, I just don’t dig bumper stickers. Or those damn decorated Kleenex boxes that sit in the back window, or the 7 dwarfs on the dashboard,or those stupid doilies paoeple put on the headrests, or is that a Richmond thing?

          It seems that it is really trendy among Asian immigrants here to place so much crap on the dash and hanging from the rear view mirror that you wouldn’t see a brick wall until you hit it. When I say 7 dwarfs, I don’t mean little figurines, I mean 7 PLUSH 10″ dwarves on the dash or rear window deck, literally taking up half the dash and half the windshield or ALL of the back window.

        • #3342573

          Actually OZ I think that they are tacky as well

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to I’be thought about printing a few up,

          You should see what some people over here have jammed into their cars as well.

          But the ones that I just love to hate is the sign “Baby on Board” what’s that supposed to mean? you stay well clear of the car because there is a crazy driver behind the wheel who is likely to run you over? ๐Ÿ™‚

          There I was thinking that if I was driving a car with a baby in it it would be my responsibility to ensure the safe journey but it now appears that these people mostly women seem to think that they have a God given right to drive badly and then blame others for when they hit things.

          I can just see it now a woman in the Coroners Court blaming that Brick Retaining wall jumping out into the middle of the road for the collision which resulted in the death of the baby. Of course she has every right to be putting on makeup and looking over her shoulder to make sure that the baby hasn’t died because it is quite. However it was the walls fault for being there and causing the collision. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Col ]:)

        • #3342543

          Baby in Trunk

          by oz_media ยท

          In reply to Actually OZ I think that they are tacky as well

          I’ve seen that rip off of the common Baby on Board Caution sign quite a few times on the island, I guess someone around here was selling them at one time, much better! LOL ๐Ÿ˜€

          You gotta se eth ecrao some of these people place in their windows here though, in MOST cases it completely blocks rear view (but in Richmond that’s just so you can see who hit you). Side windows often have those pull down sun screens and while sounding prejudiced, the Asians fo rsome reason have taken onto thos efull faced sun shields that make the look like Boba Fett. Add one of those industrial dust masks (something to do with icky air or something that we don’t have a real problem with in BC) and you have one scary looking and very blind driver.

          Sun shade drawn on drivers window (not see through just a shade), 7 dwarvesin teh front window, little pagoda thingy dangling from rear view mirror, Kleenex box in a bug fluffy holder on the rear window sill and a bunch or little cars beside it.

          Did I ever tell you that the most popular car on the streets of RIchmmond is the Body Shop Courtesy car?
          They drive into your truck in an $80,000.00 Lexus and YOU end up dealing with getting a fair write off value whlie THEY just go buy another Lexus.
          There have been NUMEROUS arrests and fines issued to DMV in Richmond over the last 15 years, everyone is Asian and they simply buy licenses from Asian workers at the DMV for $50,000.00+, then go play bumper cars.

          Sorry Col, just venting, I was over there recently and it is nasty to even think of driving anywhere in Richmond these days. It used to be just a few fishermen and pilots in a one horse town. I am sure Jaqui can relate, IF he ever has the guts to go there anymore.

        • #3342535

          Well OZ you’ll love this one

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to Baby in Trunk

          This was on last nights news. A guy was in a hurry to get to his bank so he got a lift on a motorbike to the branch and rushed in wearing a full face helmet just before closing time.

          Down came the security screens, the doors automatically locked and every customer hit the ground as he just stood looking around wondering what the hell was going on. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Several hours latter when the Police released him after questioning he still had not got the money he was in such a rush to get. ๐Ÿ˜€

          God I would have loved to have seen that and the overreaction of the bank staff. ๐Ÿ™

          I’m betting that they are all currently undergoing trauma counseling because he was attempting to undo the strap of the helmet.

          Col ]:)

        • #3342403

          Bumper sticker that made me popular with the parents

          by jdclyde ยท

          In reply to That’s my favorite bumper sticker

          In the back window of my van was the bumpersticker, “Don’t laugh mister. Your daughter might be in here”.

          Yes, I was REAL popular. esp with the dads.

        • #3342394

          I’ve always liked that one too

          by oz_media ยท

          In reply to Bumper sticker that made me popular with the parents

          I remember taking a guys daughter out one night (grade 9) and when he asked what we were up to (a VERY cool dad by the way and we got along well) I said I was gonna take her to Cypress Bowl (local ski hill/lookout) and bang her silly. To which we all laughed.

          So I did, she got pregnant, my life changed immediately. But it’s all good in the long run.

        • #3342251

          Personal fave…

          by jessie ยท

          In reply to That’s my favorite bumper sticker

          In general, I dislike bumper stickers, but when my father left my mother for a younger thinner woman, 3 months before their 20th wedding anniversary, she went on a midnight mission and put a “My other car’s a broom.” sticker on the “other woman’s” car. I always found that rather entertaining. ๐Ÿ˜›

        • #3250936

          I’ve always liked

          by oz_media ยท

          In reply to Personal fave…

          My other car is a piece of s**t too.

          Works well on a beater, but I have been tempted to place one on some of the Accura’s around Richmond.

        • #3250844

          Jessie that isn’t entertaining

          by hal 9000 ยท

          In reply to Personal fave…

          It’s Bloody Funny I hope that it went on the paint work so it left a mark when it was removed. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Col ]:)

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