Friday Yuk

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised"

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" ----- Silence ----- followed, and after
a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That s nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

The Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband
drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning
the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize
that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little
too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three
blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to
the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone
was still ringing. When I stood up I cracked my head on the open
cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with
bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and
broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God
is my witness, all I did was tell her."

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and
then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

Have a great weekend. As for me, it's ski time.

Dawg :^O

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Before all you cat lovers react; it's a joke. Lighten up!!! Have to admit that this one comes to mind whenever the neighbor's cat uses my flower beds as a litter box. Hmmmm? Clean toilet, clean cat: What's not to like???

Dawg ]:)

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

Have a great weekend!

Dawg ]:)

If you use more than one hamster they will clog it up and cause it to overflow.

Unless of course you tie a string around their waist and use them like teabags for the bowl.

And as for SLEEPING DAWG, how many more times must this same damn joke be posted on TR before we can ban it altogether.

If all borders in the wole world were to be removed, we would suddenly find all people to be living in Sweden.

If this story doesn't make you cry from laughing so hard, let me
know and we'll send someone right over to check your pulse.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of
farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that
it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he
would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of
turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of
frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had
got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip
as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned
me and I didn't listen to you."

What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Dawg

Oz if this is an old one, It's the first time I've seen it.

He is a real BAR STEWARD who works me into the ground at every opportunity. ;)

His excuse is that the customers need help and it is a common occurrence to get a call out at 4.30 PM on a Friday to fix something that the end user has stuffed up. This inevitably involves a 50 K one way trip through peek hour traffic to reach the site and then several hours to fix up whatever has been messed up. :D

Honestly I've tried to get away from him on numerous occasions but I just have not been able to manage it ever! He just tracks me down and insists that I have a Professional Work Ethic just like his where I offer the customer a service at any price to my personal well being. I'm only allowed sick days off when I'm near death and the last of those was when I had a 2.5 ton Mercedes fall on me on 9 September and crushed me nearly killing me. (Two days prior to 9-11 so it was fairly unforgettable.) That resulted in a 2 week hospital stay and even then I had a cell phone beside me within 14 hours and a LT and the adapter to plug into the cell phone so I could transfer data across and receive any data that was required to be processed. I was also "On Call" for any of the other staff who had a problem to solve it in the shortest possible time. I also had to check any incoming e-mails every hour or so.

It really is the pits when you work for your self! :(

Most people think it is an easy life where you can take whatever time off whenever you wish and have an unlimited stream of money to play with with no worries at all. The staff who are all slackers will do whatever is required and the Owner shouldn't be doing any work at all. Just living off the sweat of his workers and then living the high life without a worry in the world but constantly complaining about just how slack his workers are.

Pity I lead by example and all of my staff know that I would never ask them to do something that I'm not personally prepared to do myself. That is probably why I can not get rid of them as they all approached me when I setup this business within a few days and all want to work for me as long as possible. They all know exactly what to expect from me and while I want them to work I'm not adverse to having a bit of a party as well.

I know I can leave them all unsupervised and not have a worry with any of them except for their preference to stealing my Classic Mercedes and using them as work cars instead of the ones that I've brought for them to drive. :D One of them actually approached my wife recently and told her that I had told him to take her car a 250 Coupe for the day and he gave her his keys so she could drive around. Well didn't I get a serve when I got home as I had not told her anything about it and what was even better was that I didn't know anything about it either. :D

I swear that if I was to insist that they all drive 28 year old Mercedes around as work cars none would raise the slightest objection. A few of them have been dropping hints lately that the Mercedes Mobile Home I have in my driveway would make an excellent work vehicle as well. :(

Then last Christmas my son came over for our Christmas party and told them all about my VW Beetle and they are pushing hard to get to play with that as well. I don't have any play-toys for myself any more. :(

So far not one of them has even been brave enough to suggest that they take the Ducati for the day as they all know where the line in the sand is drawn and none dare cross it.

Col ]:)

would have wished he hadn't survived. BTW I was just looking at a 1956 300SL gullwing. A truly beautiful machine, as good looking now as when it was made. Wish I could afford it but will have to be content with my 1963 300SL drophead. Not quite as pretty but substantially cheaper. I also have a 1968 six cylinder LWB Land Rover which I finished restoring back in September. Damn thing just keeps running and never seems to break. I'm working on a restoration of a 1929 Auburn which will probably last till well into next year. It's a bit of a monster, but it is fun to drive except for the brakes. I've been told that that is the one area you can upgrade without losing any antique value. Driving it does make one tend to feel like the last of the robber barons. Your passion may be Mercedes but my lust turns to old Jags like 120s, 140s, 150s and E types although no 12 cylinder jobs just yet. It's a fun hobby but most don't understand it.
BTW next time you feel like scooting under a car make sure the thing is firmly on axel stands. I had a friend killed that way.

Dawg

One of the Twin Cams electronic fuel injected ones which I love as they just are almost unbreakable. I did try to get my dirty little hands on one of the Gull Wing ones but someone got wind of the transaction and didn't approve all that much. Of course she would have been perfectly happy to drive the thing if I had of got it and given it to her. ;)

Paul on the other hand sought of did me a favor as I did get out of an MS Meeting after only a few hours and he did claim that he was only driving it to pick me up from the meeting so I suppose that is why he was driving it from the start of the day and not at the end when I would have needed a lift. But I was impressed as all the doors still opened and closed without a problem and since the main impact was on the driver side doors and C Pillar I didn't expect it to even open on that side. Of course the car looked like a banana and almost everything inside was destroyed. Well I did have it finished for about 3 months so Paul was a bit worried about my reaction particularly as I had asked the Quack in front of him just how long it would be until he got better so I could kill him in the most slow and painful way I could devise. I really think he bunged it on quite a bit to stay in the meatworks just to be safe from me and wait for me to cool down a bit. :D

That other mongrel was a different matter all together it was on jack stands and not the $3.00 specials from K Mart but those really lousy Snap On units other than a bit of paint damage and one being stained with my blood they didn't have any damage and once I got out of the meatworks I did try really hard to get it to fall off again. apparently turning the drive shaft is dangerous but pushing the thing with a 4.5 ton mobile home makes it far more solid. Sure I could have pushed it off the stands but otherwise it just wanted to stay put. But now I have a good excuse about not getting under cars for minor repairs. :D Right at the moment my wifes car needs a 50 cent plastic sleeve replaced on the Auto Isolation Switch and even though I have plenty of the things I keep claiming that I'm too scared to get under the car to replace the thing. I'll wait until it is really necessary to replace it as all that is happening is that it will not start sometimes in Park but it is locking the Auto up quite nicely and is doing everything else perfectly. It's only a ten minute job so I'll wait until I really need to get under the thing before I replace it. With a bit of luck that will be a few years off. :D

Col ]:)

Ever!!! All you'll get for your efforts is a lot of grief. "What, its not ready yet???" "If you had done it properly it would work" (this last after 25,000 Kms) or "My friends husband says this is what needs to be done" (this from a guy who either can't find the dip stick or looks under the hood and says what the hell is all this stuff). ;)
Much less aggravation if I send her to the local mechanic (a friend of mine who I trust not to rip her off)and thus, preserve my sanity and perhaps her life. :^O BTW I may start mucking about with old motorcycles if I can sneak one or two past my old lady, who is convinced I am self destructive or have a death wish. Of course I only ever get that way if she drags me, kicking and screaming, shopping or some silly gathering with a bunch of people who bore me to tears. :(

Dawg ]:)

I just grab as much stuff as possible that I like like M&M's by the box and Allen's Oddfellows as many as they have on the shelf. I'm addicted to thew last lot and just suck them all day while I'm working in a no smoking place.

My wife has an interesting way of getting things fixed on her car she just hands it to me and tels me to pay the bill or fix it now before I take it to a place where they will wreck it without a second thought. She insists on a place where I had a Roadworthy Certificate refused because they couldn't get the windscreen washers to work so it must be un-roadworthy. The switch on the floor was obviously the dip switch as that is where it is in a lot of the locally produced cars and it just couldn't be the washer switch as it is in too easy a place to actually be of any use. Like you do not have to remove a hand from the steering wheel while driving to work the washers. No that just can not be the right place for the switch.

Then the fact that they also cracked a head on my sisters Volvo {which isn't such a bad thing} all because of a faulty thermostat which they couldn't be bothered to replace but still charged well over 2 K to repair.

She Who Must Be Obeyed tells every one it is her car and then expects me to pay for everything on it. Well it is a Mercedes 250 CE 72 with EFI and everyone but Mercedes insists that the EFI is an after market fitting so I'm stuck with it no matter what. But as she thinks that she owns it I'm not overly worried it is just another way of getting another car for my collection. ;)

Most of these problems started about 20 years ago when I brought a 250 Ducati and offered it to her. Well it was a box of bits with no history and I didn't know just what it was. I only wanted the Tacho off it. When I pulled the crankcases apart I realized exactly what it was one of the 1959 Factory GP bikes and she never got to ever see it again so I've been called an Indian Giver ever since. :D

Out of a sense of Self Preservation I offered her a ride of it around the local race track and as she couldn't pull the clutch in she declined. Mind you I couldn't pull in in either unless there was a lot of Adrenalin in my blood at the time. But I spent heaps on the thing and she kept complaining about the amount of spares that I bought for it.

I used it for Historic Racing and out of desperation I needed a part for a race meeting so I put her on a plane to Sydney to get a $18.00 part and it is something I'll never do again as she came back with over 35K worth of parts and also ran up the excess baggage on my airline account as well. Big Mistake that one was. I thought I was being smart as she used to complain about the cost of all those lousy Snap On Tools that I used to buy and still do so instead of going out and buying them myself I sent her and she never made another comment so I thought I'd try it with the Ducati parts as well.

She just put on a very sweet look and said "But you'll need those parts so I saved you the freight and waiting time!" What could I say? I did need them but over a 6 month time frame and not all in one hit where I had to pay for the things!

I chalked that one up to her and didn't ever allow her near another parts place ever again. :D I also had to ring the supplier who she had gone to and tell them not to accept any more orders from her either as she did offer the day after she got back to ring them up and order some more parts that I just might need.

I just could not afford her help! :(

Col ]:)

You know the kind I mean, mostly her family and relatives. ]:)

Dawg

A man walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!"

But those BORING Fiends are easy I just arrange an emergency call out. :D

I even get to take her car as well because she can not be bothered in moving it so I can get to one of mine. ;)

Col ]:)

...only because I work with a bunch of stuffed shirts. Check it out.

So Now You Know...

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they weren't permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all of the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here."

And that's how company policy begins...