Community archive

Ask something
Discussion Locked

Friday Yuk

0 helpful
51 replies

by oz_media

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

[b][u]The Top 5 Signs an Airline No Longer Gives a Crap[/u][/b]

Your flight to L.A. lands at every Stuckey's between Nashville and Flagstaff.

During the safety demo, instead of using the prop provided by the airline, the flight attendant grabs the oxygen mask off of the old guy in the first row.

Your request for connection information gets you: "Sure, your lips and my ass."

The pilot announces that the flight will be delayed until he's done with the flight attendant.

"If anyone on board knows Arabic, the captain would like your help playing a little trick on those whiny brats in the control tower."
________________________________________

[b][u]The Top 5 Signs Your Company Is Planning a Layoff[/u][/b]

Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.

Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Attic.

Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Company Is Planning a Layoff...

President begins weekly meetings, "Good morning, you ignorant bastards."

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND ALL!

51 replies

by oz_media

I've had a pilot ask me to hold the gas nozzle and refuel the plane while he went and talked to a girl on the dock.

We get some pretty scary, yet VERY experienced bush pilots up here. A loat plane from Vancouver to Victoria will scare most people off, taking that plane to a small lake lending is a LOT scarier though, you NEVER believe that they can take off before plowing into a mountain on the other side of the lake, but they do.

There are a coiple of routes into Part Hardy that they take, most are up through the straight so it a nice bay landing, others come in straight off a mountain and practially nose dive to within feet of the bay before levelling out and pulling into the docks.

by oz_media

BC Air or whatever name they are using this week to avoid lawsuits.

Ever watch Wings Over Canada?

If so, that's it in a nutshell.

by codejock

One of my sign offs on chat is, "Air Canada: Enjoy our new Cattle Class Service provided by real Mad Cows"

(To be completely PC -- I apologize to the female readers for such an obviously sexist remark.)

I know for a fact, people, that this is an airline where in-flight personnel refers to passengers behind their backs as "Pigs in Space". Heard it with my own ears -- on an aircraft -- in the galley -- in the air.

Won't fly them. Wasn't particularly sad if they went toes-up. Alas, they survived. They can do so without my money.

by montgomery gator

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender: 'Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!=$%~`~ErJ'. The second string says: 'Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated'.

by oz_media

I though you were going to offer the other one.

Two strings walk into a bar, one goes to the bar and the batender refuses and points to a sign, NO SERVICE FOR STRING.

So he slumps back into his table and tells the other string. The second string says "OH YEAH?", Twists himself up and ruffles up his hair and goes to the bartender who once again points to the sign and says "Aren't YOU string"

The string says, "I'm a frayed knot".

by oz_media

YEAH YOU, BFILM FAN!!

Like I said, this guy's gotta go! :)

Having the ONLY unrated answer in that thread is kinda funny considering my post, though.

by oz_media

byte me!

Actually it IS pretty funny isn't it? :D

Have a good weekend! I am SUPPOSED ot be going to the track but someone has disapeared and now time is running out to catch a ferry, DOH!

EDIT: I wonder how many spam mails will be sent to lmao@ozmedia.ha now?

by hal 9000

I'll setup a sender now and fill your mail box with junk just to keep you happy. ;)

Will you not feel left out then? :D

Col ]:)

by oz_media

The TR peer mail system IS being spammed. BFilm fan and myself have both seen spam from TR Peer Mail.

Why I outta! Good thing I never use my home email address online.

by hal 9000

I was just wondering if you would like me to dump loads of garbage on your e-mail account as you didn't seem happy about being left out. ;)

Col ]:)

by oz_media

My onlin eacounts I couldn't give a toss about. I use them for all the onlibe crap. They get literally hundreds of junk mail daily, most caught by the filters they provide but even then it takes me a whole 4 seonds to get rid of what I don't want.

It's my personal account that I protect, the rest you can have fun with anytime. I've got 4 GMail accounts I don't use if you want to hammer them too, just wanted to secure the address names.

by jessie

Expensive Parrots:

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to three identical birds and says, "The parrot to your
left costs $500." The man asks, "Why does the parrot costs so
much?" The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer. He
can diagnose system bugs."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, "That one
costs $1000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do
plus it knows how to configure and use UNIX."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third
parrot and is told, "That one costs $2000." Needless to say,
this begs the question, "What can IT do?" The owner shrugs and
replies, "To be honest I've never seen it do a thing, but the
other two call him Boss!"

by oz_media

They call me p***k, A*****e, and a colourful array of other phrases.

But that's how I refer to others as well, so it is all fine by me.

Even as a facility manager or sales manager, I HATE MR.xxxxxxxx (that's my DAD's name not mine), or anything other than my first name or a colourful expletive, I actually appreciate a colourful expletive to anything else. At least people are speaking their mind and getting a few swear words out of their system.

I expect NO more respect or no less than any other employee I have ever worked with, no matter what the title. If you don't realize we are all just people with a job, then you don't fit in.

I would NEVER work somewhere if I was expected to call my boss MR.xxxxxxx (I have seen some companies where the staff do that, eeeeewww!) You call for Bob and hear a receptionist ask, Mr. Jameson?
NO, I SAID 'BOB'! You know the guy that we carried to his car last night when he drank too much?

It's such a false acceptance of superiority, no it's not JUST respect at all, it's forced superiority and it's as phony as a $3 bill.

I am a big boy now, names don't mean ANYTHING to me, nor do people who deem their positions more important than others.

They have staff because they are not capable themselves, time for more people to realize and respect that fact I think.

If you are knighted I will call you sir, not if you are my boss, nor will I let others call me sir, unless sarcastically.

by jessie

Yes sir!!! :p

Couldn't resist. You and my hubby'd get along GREAT... He has some real issues with people who demand respect without first earning it. He can't work in corporate america anymore... made him crazy... now he admins an adult website... and gets to tell the pervs to GTFO whenever he wants. :) Makes him feel better.

by oz_media

Got some backdoors for me? :)

No man or woman's life should be without free porn.

by house

I haven't used that account in about a month...

I just went in and noticed that I have 50 friggin invites. Good grief.

by bawd

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

by sleepin'dawg

True and it's a bummer. Plus ca change; plus ca le memechose! The more things change the more they stay the same.

Dawg :(

by oz_media

Yup, that's about the size of it in a nutshell, or mokey cage.

Corporations also leaned how to sling feces from watching monkeys too.

by jessie

My grandmother (I miss that woman!) used to go to the Zoo, to the monkey enclosure, wait until there was a good sized crowd standing around, and make faces at the monkeys that she'd learned from experience, would make them sling feces... then when she knew they were good and riled up, she'd stand back and watch the show. :)

by jessie

If you're a good boy I'll tell you where it is...

Of course, it's one of the more popular bit torrent sites... so it's essentially free whether you get there by my link or not...

by jellimonsta

I think the same outcome can now be achieved by playing live recordings of Ashley Simpson :)

by jessie

Humans or monkeys? I think that counts as cruel and unusual punishment doesn't it? I know, I'd be moved to slinging if I was forced to listen to that crap...

by hal 9000

CRUEL AND INHUMANE PUNISHMENT! ;)

I believe that there are laws against subjecting staff to that type of treatment.

Col ]:)

by jdclyde

First of all, she doesn't DO live. That is for lesser people that have talent instead of a hot body. we just pay her to shake that little thing about for us.

woo woo!

by montgomery gator

Supposedly, when Twisted Sister performed in Scotland a few years ago, someone in the crowd threw a turd at them, according to a program on VH1.

by oz_media

Sometimes whether I believe it or not. I suppose it's just stock answer so they can go back to enjoying a cigarrette. :)

by jessie

If she has the breath and the energy to enjoy a cigarette afterwards, you weren't that great... women fall asleep too, once they've found satisfaction ;)

by oz_media

Who else is gonna finish the laundry and make the freaking breakfast?

That's if I like her, if not; do you need me to call a cab, I'm too tired to drive.
Finish your smoke, I think I hear your cab,...oh yes and you were great. :)

by jessie

... if you'd fix my cars, take out the trash, repair the roof, paint the house (indoors and out), fix the sink, repair the dryer, and all those other things that men are supposed to do, but they've all wussed out and now they pay someone else to do it... wish I could pay someone to cook and do laundry. :p

by oz_media

YOUR men have woosed out.

SO you REALLY think I would pay for someone to do something? I'm not cheap but all the money I save by doing everything myself means I can spend MY free time at the racetrack betting on horses. Or buying as much beer as the motorhome can carry and loading up the bikes for a gravel pit or motocross track for the weekend. ;)

But ANYTHING around the house, cleaning chimneys, building the roof, re-siding/painting and especially fixing the damn cars is something I would never trust anyone but myself to do anyway, yet alone PAY them, LOL.

I don't pay 'workmen/crews' for ANYTHING, nothing at all. I've run enough contracted crews to know just how inexperienced, incapable and completely pathetic most of them are, I would NEVER hire someone to work for me.

As for housework and cooking, well if YOUR hubby PAYs to fix the car, paint the house etc. You can also PAY to have a maid, go out or order dinner too.

Either that or marry a man next time. (ooooooh fightin' words!) :D

by hal 9000

I always swore that I would pay to have a new clutch cable fitted to my beetle as it just is not worth the hassle.

My wife has it worked out nicely though her car only gets driven by her most times anyway but she figures out that I should be paying for the fuel and any parts that it requires. I of course have to fit them as well. But for anything other than really specialist jobs like Auto Trans rebuilding and painting I do them all myself as I just can not trust anyone else to do the job right. ;)

Of course if it was a newer car that had the glass as a stressed member of the chassis that is something I would pay to have replaced when it got broken and anything that involved Hypoid Oil is something I try to stay away from but that is a long story. ;)

Her coupe threw a power steering box a few weeks ago now and when I got under and had a look I panicked as there was about 6 inches of mig welding around one of the bolts with cracks running through the metal away from this mess. I decided to cut it all out and see what was left and just about all of it chipped away as it wasn't penetrating the metal of the car just lying across the top of it. At least it was easy to remove and I then cut out the parent metal and replaced it all with new 5 mm plate. If she manages to break another one off I'll be truly amazed. :)

Col ]:)

by oz_media

Hah! That got you're attention!

As for cold welds, I have a few friends who have invested in welders and figure, "what the hell, I've seen Monster Garage" they weld up panels on cars and trucks they own, they CUT OUT and replace flooboards etc. Then they hit a bump or a pothole and it starts falling off bit by bit. LOL

I guess they think the dial with the crank and the numbers on th efront of the welder is something you want lined up in the middle of the dial or something. No though at all as to which metals are being joined, what guage wire is being fed, how thick the panels are. No thought to running a bead,just pull it along a little bit at a time and fill in the gaps with little blobs. But hey, I wouldn't DARE try and correct a guy working on his car, not until it falls apart and they ive up. :)

by jessie

Is the reason I married a man even though he's not wont to fix anything around the house... he HAS his uses. Mwahahahahaha!!!

by oz_media

My brother is 6'5" and a bit.

My height had to go somewhere. ]:)

Actually I do a great Rolf Harris impression, I'm Jake the peg deedle-eedle-um, with eth extra leg...

You'll have to look that one up if you haven't heard of Rolf.

by jessie

Hubby's 6'1" and proves at least ONE of those stereo types about black men :p

(Edit for clarity) I've seen Rolf Harris' website... never seen a performance, or heard his music...

by oz_media

That took me a few seconds to catch on to.

"I've seen his website, never seen a performance..."

I though you were talking about your huby's website and performance for a minute then remembered the Rolf Harris reference.

Now I don't care WHO you are, that there's FUNNY!

by jessie

I just went back and re-read my post... LOL indeed!!! Now that there's funny. Lord forgive me for that there joke, and be with the pygmes down in New Guinea.

I have most certainly "seen" hubby's performance... :p and heard his music... I've even performed a few of hubby's songs.

This discussion is closed to new replies.