Friday Yuk

Well little billy with a hand full of smarties or M & M's if you like is walking down the back stairs toward his mother hanging out the washing on the cloths line. At the top step he pops a few M & M's into his mouth pats the cat and takes another step.

At the next step he does exactly the same thing and his mother sees him. He continues doing this on every step so out of curiosity his mother asks him what he thinks he is doing.

Billy replies I'm doing exactly what you claim dad does "Popping Pills, Patting Pussy and moving on!"

Have a good week end Guys. :D :) :D :)

Col ]:)

How Cold is it??? Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!!!!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and
many freighters carried iron cannons.
Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.

It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon,
but they had to find a way to prevent
them from rolling about the deck.

The best storage method devised was a
square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting
on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked
in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem...how
to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling
from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey"
with 16 round indentations.
But, if this plate was made of iron,
the iron balls quickly would rust to it.

The solution to the rusting problem was to make
"Brass Monkeys."

Few landlubbers realize that brass
contracts much more and much
faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far,
the brass indentations would shrink so much
that the iron cannon
balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze
the balls off a brass monkey".
(And all this time, you thought that was an
improper expression, didn't you?)

Dawg :D

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim
against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were "lost in a series of small
fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.) In delivering the ruling, the
judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The
judge stated nevertheless that the lawyer "held a policy from the company
in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what
is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of
the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

is asked by his wife to spice up their love life.
He comes home that night and tells her
Tonight we are doing it back to back.
She replies that's not going to work
He responds it will when the other two get here.

billy found some dynamite,
couldn't understand it quite.
curiosity never pays.
it rained billy seven days.

Connelly, of course!

Fourteen things I hate abour EVERYBODY!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F**king right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f**king floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f**king does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f**king McTosser.

14. When your involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Sid Needham walked into an insurance office and asked for a job.
"We don't need anyone" the manager told him.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!"
"Well we have two prospects that none of our agents has been able to sell. If you can sell

just one, you have a job."
Old Sid was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them not one, but two checks, one

for a $50,000.00 policy and another for $100,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anything to anyone, any time any

where!"
"OK. Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked.
"What urine sample?" asked Sid.
"If you sell a policy over $49,999.00 the company requires a urine sample. Here, take these

two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Sid dashed out, thrilled with his success and eager to complete the job. He was gone about 5

hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in

each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two

bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Swanson's and this one is

Mr. Frieden's."
"That is good" they said, "but what is in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having The City Teachers Convention, so I

stopped and sold them a group policy!"

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. (Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat. (Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? (Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)
!
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school. (Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. (Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. (Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...Self-raising?" (Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. (Jimmy Carr)

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked. (Shazia Mirza the Pleasance)

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". (Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ... (Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. (Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber". (Steven Alan Green at C34)

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. (Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. (Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try. What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! (Seymour Mace at Caf? Royal)

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" (Norman Lovett at The Stand)

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. (Chris Addison at the Pleasance)

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means
is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church." (Colin Ramone at The Stand)

50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
(Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance)

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" (Arnold Brown at The Stand)

USNA 68 (same class as Ollie North).

My Plebe year saw Staubach in his last year as quarter-back for Navy. Lost to Army; the bus ride back from Philly was doleful for Plebes, since we knew to expect plenty of extra "come-arounds" starting the next day.

While I make no claim for or against the veracity of the item under discussion, I will note that:

1) The referenced citation claims the origin to be unknown;
2) I have read various naval sources which support the here purported origin; and,
3) That the first utterance of the phrase in question may or may not have been contemporaneous with the use of the device referenced is irrelevant to the question of whether or not said device may have, in the author's mind, given rise to the phrase.

I'd say that the jury is still out on this one.

I used to piss my mum off something nasty on the big 'weekend grocery shop' when I was a kid.

I have ALWAYS liked to play on words, so as a kid I found it hilarious that we visited a supermarkst.

We'd be walking around the store and I'd shout out LOOK MUM !! Is this ever a SUPER MARKET!!!

We'd be at the checkout and I'd tell the cashier that I really had a great time wandering around the 'SUPER market'!

Yeah, I was a sarcastic and lippy kid too, did you ever doubt it though? :D