Friday Yuk

~peacefull joyous thoughts and feelings flowing~

that one I liked.

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least; however, the
dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities; however, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign ALSO says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

TFF!

Great start to Friday!

I have to say the funniest technical comment all week was CP's "Put the hard disk in the freezer" as a cold data solution!

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Although, my name isn't Joanna, and my dearly departed husband's name wasn't John...

A Horoscope For The Workplace

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

Fairies - HA HA

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other, I will grant you each one wish.

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! -
two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but awish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! -
the husband became 92 years old.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to
> sponsor a show entitled, "Survivor:
> Texas Style". The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to
> Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.
> They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa,
> Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort
> Worth and finally return to Dallas.
>
>
>
>
> Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm
>
> Gay", "I Love the Dixie Chicks", "Boycott Beef", "I Voted for John
> Kerry", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2008" and "I'm here to
> confiscate your gun".
>
>
>
> Anyone to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give
one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So
what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the
tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a
campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in
a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy
a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the
milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so
they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so
they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know
where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you
don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs
to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000
cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

I do keep sporks in my desk for when I finally do decide to snap. With enough sporks, you can kill just about anything.

I typically get promoted by bumping off people higher up the food chain. Shows initiative and a "can-do" attitude. :D

I always found instilling the fear of God upon people will usually get them to comply and step aside.

The best friday I have had in a while.

Thanks everyone who put something in.

Have a good weekend and remember, Don't drink and drive, you might spill your drink.

My good friend just sent me this oldie but goodie (his nickname is Chicken).

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fellinto a bog and began to sink.Afraid for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no Avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the Chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

As a management technique.
But I prefer my sporks.

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame, Sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Author Anonymous

The Computerman's Song
(Based on the Major General's song from "The Pirates of Penzance", Gilbert & Sullivan)
--Author Unknown

I am the very model of a Usenet individual,
I've information meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I know the basic elements of alien biology,
And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology,
I've seen "The Wrath of Khan" and every Star Trek film that followed it,
I moan about my Service card and how the cash till swallowed it,
About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast,
With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST!

ALL: With many cheerful etc.

I'll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama,
And why the USA is still a better place than Canada,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

I post in alt.revisionism lies about the Holocaust,
I cut my .sig to twenty lines, I didn't want to, I was forced,
I really can't believe the "Good Times" virus to be mythical,
And Clinton's raising taxes which is, frankly, bloody typical,
I've upset several people on alt.flame, I really don't know how,
And sent a thousand business cards to Mr. and Mrs. Shergold now,
I have a very poor grip of political geography,
And absolutely no involvement (yet!) in child pornography,

ALL: And absolutely no, etc.

I've paid two-fifty dollars for the Nieman-Marcus recipe,
And told the Spanish tourist's tale about the toothbrush pessary,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

In fact, when I know what is meant by "binary" and "FTP",
When I know how to decode porno JPEGs from a .uue,
When I can handle HTML, Telnet, mail and IRC,
And when I know the words initialised to form "http",
When I have learnt what topics are acceptable in talk.bizarre,
When I know more of Usenet than the tailpipe of a motor-car,
-
In short, when I've a smattering of elementary netiquette,
You'll say a better individual has never surfed the Net.

ALL: You'll say a better individual, etc.

For my technical experience, although I claim to know it all
Could barely serve to run the installation disk from AOL;
But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

your weapon of choice?

Watch out, that will be the next weapon listed if they ever try to get the so-called assault-weopons-ban back on the books.

Well, almost time to go so I need to go to the bathroom for about 15 minutes and spork myself....

Four brothers left home for college, and soon they became successful doctors
and lawyers and prospered.

Several years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the
gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher
who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took
twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but
I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold
50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm
nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

I, too, am very concerned about the proposed ban on assault sporks. Sporks with four tines are not any more demonstrably deadly that sporks with three. The fourth tine is strictly for sport. Regardless, I have a constitutional right to bear sporks...if the ban is passed, the government will have to pry my sporks out of my cold, dead hands.

I would suppose so, may just hit some unsuspecting pilot in the face with a rush of cold air. Can you imaging standing at the front of the plane: "Okay, everyone shut up or the captain gets blown!"

http://www.thinkgeek.com/cubegoodies/toys/60b6/

Somehow I think an FBI guy somewhere will find this post in his extensive search for suspected threats on pilots! :D

He should definitly get a prize!
Cheers

MTV, Burnout

Mojo Nixon

Women are hardly ever right! :D Your wife never under any circumstance is right! :)

I just use that as a path of least resistance as I have to live with her. I'd have got a shorter sentence if I had of murdered her in the first place and no kids to help drive me mad as well. :(

I firmly remember after the first child was born I was told in no uncertain terms "NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then 18 months latter I get to hear "Isn't it about time we think about having another one?"

It just helps no end if you never try to understand them as it saves you heaps on Therapy. :)

It is also extremely important to never disagree with them either as you will always loose even if you prove her wrong you still end up loosing the whole thing and your words will be twisted into some form of insult like you said she is fat/ugly or whatever takes her fancy.

You have to be far more subtle in dealing with women in general and your wife in particular. After a 5 years period of refusing to allow me near a shop with her last Friday she not only invited me but insisted that I come shopping with her. :( So when we got into the supermarket she said what you want is down there join me at isle so and so. Well I walked down picked up 25 bags of peppermints and 5 1 K bags of M&M's then some easter eggs. :D I then joined her and she said what the Hell have you got there? :)

AS we walked around the shop I just started throwing in more easter bunnies and as she put one back I'd grab two and if they where put back I'd grab 3 she gave up by that stage. :D

I also got the biggest block of chocolate that I could find well at least the box is massive I really do not know what's inside it yet as I haven't attempted to open it yet. Well at the checkout she discovered that I'd picked up $60.00 worth of chocolate and threw a fit and then the words that I was waiting to hear "YOU ARE NEVER COMING SHOPPING WITH ME EVER AGAIN NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!" :D :D :D :D

Now the only down side is I have to eat all that bloody chocolate. :(

You have to seem to agree but actually do as you please when I'm asked what I've been doing I say the most outrageous things that are so unbelievable that she just laughs and doesn't proceed any further. :)

But the most important thing is always agree with them when they complain as it leaves them nothing to work with I not only agree but say I've done far worse, mind you I do not apologize for what I've supposedly done all you need do is say something so outrageous that it is beyond belief and they are left wondering how to proceed.

What can I say I like a quite life and if I can avoid arguments I will do it every time. A good example is when I'm out on site I constantly get complaints about not ringing in to tell her where I am although she already knows and has not only a Cell number but the land line for the company as well. Yes I'm guilty of quite often taking far longer than what I think the job will take so instead of trying to explain why the job took so long I just say I was too bust chasing the secretary around to have sex with her that I lost track of the time but I certainly enjoyed myself. That rates a response of "Well if you are not going to tell me what you have been up to I'm not interested!"

I'm not allowed in the kitchen as I break far too many items which "She Who Must Be Obeyed Complains bitterly about and delights in telling ever one of her friends what a cults I am!" The washing machine is another no go area for me as I was told to do the washing once so I did it no problems and then she started complaining that I had put in colors with whites towels with clothes and God only know what else. I just said it was the washing wasn't it?

I'll give her credit though she did try 3 times to teach me how to do the washing but I just see material and throw it all in together and then what really drives her nuts is that I take a shirt off the cloths line and wear it to work. She mutterers something about ironing the shirt & I just say it looks OK to me! :)

Don't get me wrong I'm more than willing to do things around the house but I just do them differently to the way she wants them done so I'm prevented from stuffing anymore things up. :)

Hey it works for me and I'm not complaining. :D

Col ]:)

Selling the show.

After all it is only fair that he share some of the risks. :D

Col ]:)

Taxes Taxes

Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein

John Howard

They are or where both about the same!

Col ]:)

People entering Australia, "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

Tell me Col, is that still a requirement for entrance to Australia??? :D

Dawg

then only outlaws will have sporks.

Who wants to live in a world like that?

My right to arm bears is protected.

I don't know about where you live, but KFC sporks here are deadly. Ghastly instruments of mass destruction.

Have you ever recorded your spork tunes?
You can get some real good beats going sometimes.

But why does Van Halen's Eruption always end up sounding like a hillbilly tune from Deliverance?

They did search the New Zealand Prime Minister on leaving AU for anything illegal.

Actually I think they still ask it but when you apply for the visa or whatever depending on where you are coming from.

We have quite a few countries on the "Free to Travel List" and then some where you have to obtain a visa from to step foot on our shores.

Then there is the recent case of a mentally deficient woman walking out of a mental hospital and being locked up by Immigration of 10 months as an Illegal Visa over stayer.

They picked her up in Queensland and the QLD Police handed her over to Immigration as they didn't know how to proceed she was clearly not all there and had a different story every time she was questioned. Immigration worked very quickly and detained her in the Brisbane Women's Correctional Center while they investigated her situation and then after 6 months transfered her to Baxter Detention Center.

The really funny thing here however is that if the people from Immigration had walked out their front door down the street 2 doors they would have known exactly who she was as she was posted as a Missing Person in Danger by the NSW Police. Apparently they do not have a uniform Missing Persons List across AU so she just slipped through the cracks.

Col ]:)

Maybe next time we could play duck, duck, goose or something.

Part way fair :D

Duck, Duck,

WATCH OUT FOR THE LUMP OF WOOD SWING TOWARD YOUR HEAD!

DUCK you silly Sod. :)

Col ]:)