Excerpts from the Diary of an American immigrant’s first winter in
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbour.
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it
when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white sh#t fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to p#ss. By the time I got undressed, p#ssed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the @sshole is lying.
Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why
didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplough, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplough.
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I
hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She’s really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying
to shove the broken snow shovel up his @ss. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shovelling.
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?