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Friday Yuk

By Bob in Calgary ·
Excerpts from the Diary of an American immigrant's first winter in
Canada


December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like ****. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white sh#t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to p#ss. By the time I got undressed, p#ssed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the @sshole is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-***** who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplough.

December 25:
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I
hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying
to shove the broken snow shovel up his @ss. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

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I've got Lance in my pants...

by Salamander In reply to Friday Yuk

I've got Lance in my pants...

Well, no, not really.

But these guys do. For some reason, I think that these radio spots are hysterical:

http://www.lancesnacks.com/lance_in_pants/flashdownloads.asp

The humor is not terribly sophisticated, but they tickle my funny bone. And my boss just gave me a funny look...maybe I should turn that down...

For the uninitiated, Lance makes snack crackers that are sold in those little bricks in vending machines.

P.S. Bob in Calgary, winter up there sounds brutal!

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Balmy here

by ND_IT In reply to Friday Yuk

Currently -14 below zero F, wind chill of -37 below, but the sun is shining, but we also have 15 inches of snow that just reflects the sunlight, so no heat stays.

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Blech!

by Jessie In reply to Balmy here

I'm smack dab in the middle of the U.S. and the wind chill today is -13 F... too damn cold for me!!! I hate it when my hair freezes into little icicles when I leave the house in the morning.

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This is the norm for us here

by ND_IT In reply to Blech!

There is usually a stretch in January and February that we get these Alberta clippers, and the temps for highs during the day are -20 and lows at night are around -35. It's when the wind chills get that low it can be very dangerous to be outside. I usually go out and start my car 3 times a day and let it run for half hour or hour.

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Sorry to disappoint but

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to This is the norm for us h ...

Well it's about 30 C durring the day and drops down to about 24 C at night.

Slightly warm and great in air conditioning terrible driving a car around because I haven't got the AC refilled yet to much work to have a break and get what I need done.

A friend from down south sent me a snow shovel as a reminder on just what he has to go through I leave it in the car port and try to forget things like that.

Other than the approaching Cyclone {Hurricane} to the Northern Hemisphere folks a very nice sunny day/week but things will start getting a bit worse with thunder storms at night to cool the place down and as usual cut the electricity.

Col.:D

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Where does it snow in Australia?

by Montgomery Gator In reply to Sorry to disappoint but

You mentioned the friend with the snow shovel. Where does it get cold enough to snow, Tasmania, because they are the furthest south?

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Snowzone

by Oz_Media In reply to Where does it snow in Aus ...

http://www.snowzone.net.au/

They actually have some pretty good skiing there, I haven't skid Australia myself but met someone who has.

Tasmania and NSW.

http://www.ski.com.au/resorts/

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Most of the skiing resorts

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Snowzone

Are in a small area of the Great Dividing Range in the South of New South Wales and Northern Victoria.

They are the really popular ones and they sometimes even loose a few who are silly enough to go out in bad conditions. The last lot of Snow Boarders who did this where only found when the snow melted come spring they had dug themselves in to a snow cave and then just got covered up to such an extent that they couldn't be found. Of course if they had of taken some survival gear with them it would have helped no end.

Col

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No the guy lives at Jinderbind it is on the snow fields

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Where does it snow in Aus ...

Just West of Sydney sought of anyway. You may have heard of a rock slide at Threadbo several years ago where quite a few people who worked at the resort died.

Then there is always Melbourne and you are likely to see snow there almost any day as they have all seasons on a daily basis. While Tasmania gets some snow the main areas are the resorts in New South Wales and Victoria. The last time I was dragged kicking and screaming to Threadbo I took one look at the line of ambulances sitting at the bottom of the hill asked what they where doing there and when I received the answer I retired to the nearest bar and had a few drinks. It was warmer and I also worked out that sky clothing is so tough because it doesn't look all that great seeing red stains on the nice clean snow so while you may break or tear off a limb it still remains contained within the clothes.

The whole thing appears way to dangerous for my liking so I'll just stick to motor racing it safer.

Col

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But what about ski bunnies?

by Oz_Media In reply to No the guy lives at Jinde ...

Somelook so cute! Many can't ski worth a damn but who cares 'apres ski'?

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