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  • #2291665

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by bob in calgary ·

    Excerpts from the Diary of an American immigrant’s first winter in
    Canada

    December 8: 6:00 PM.
    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
    drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

    December 9:
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
    place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both
    our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

    December 12:
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.
    No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbour.

    December 14:
    Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
    snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

    December 15:
    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
    wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

    December 16:
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17:
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
    Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it
    when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20:
    Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried
    to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to
    see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
    the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

    December 22:
    Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white sh#t fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to p#ss. By the time I got undressed, p#ssed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the @sshole is lying.

    December 23:
    Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why
    didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

    December 24:
    6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplough, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplough.

    December 25:
    Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I
    hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
    attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26:
    Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
    She’s really getting on my nerves.

    December 27:
    Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
    pipes.

    December 28:
    Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

    December 29:
    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30:
    Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying
    to shove the broken snow shovel up his @ss. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

    December 31:
    I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shovelling.

    January 8:
    Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
    Why am I tied to the bed?

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #3346763

      I’ve got Lance in my pants…

      by salamander ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I’ve got Lance in my pants…

      Well, no, not really.

      But these guys do. For some reason, I think that these radio spots are hysterical:

      http://www.lancesnacks.com/lance_in_pants/flashdownloads.asp

      The humor is not terribly sophisticated, but they tickle my funny bone. And my boss just gave me a funny look…maybe I should turn that down…

      For the uninitiated, Lance makes snack crackers that are sold in those little bricks in vending machines.

      P.S. Bob in Calgary, winter up there sounds brutal!

    • #3346745

      Balmy here

      by nd_it ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Currently -14 below zero F, wind chill of -37 below, but the sun is shining, but we also have 15 inches of snow that just reflects the sunlight, so no heat stays.

      • #3346731

        Blech!

        by jessie ·

        In reply to Balmy here

        I’m smack dab in the middle of the U.S. and the wind chill today is -13 F… too damn cold for me!!! I hate it when my hair freezes into little icicles when I leave the house in the morning.

        • #3346728

          This is the norm for us here

          by nd_it ·

          In reply to Blech!

          There is usually a stretch in January and February that we get these Alberta clippers, and the temps for highs during the day are -20 and lows at night are around -35. It’s when the wind chills get that low it can be very dangerous to be outside. I usually go out and start my car 3 times a day and let it run for half hour or hour.

        • #3346666

          Sorry to disappoint but

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to This is the norm for us here

          Well it’s about 30 C durring the day and drops down to about 24 C at night.

          Slightly warm and great in air conditioning terrible driving a car around because I haven’t got the AC refilled yet to much work to have a break and get what I need done.

          A friend from down south sent me a snow shovel as a reminder on just what he has to go through I leave it in the car port and try to forget things like that.

          Other than the approaching Cyclone {Hurricane} to the Northern Hemisphere folks a very nice sunny day/week but things will start getting a bit worse with thunder storms at night to cool the place down and as usual cut the electricity.

          Col.:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

        • #3346971

          Where does it snow in Australia?

          by montgomery gator ·

          In reply to Sorry to disappoint but

          You mentioned the friend with the snow shovel. Where does it get cold enough to snow, Tasmania, because they are the furthest south?

        • #3345178

          Snowzone

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Where does it snow in Australia?

          http://www.snowzone.net.au/

          They actually have some pretty good skiing there, I haven’t skid Australia myself but met someone who has.

          Tasmania and NSW.

          http://www.ski.com.au/resorts/

        • #3345085

          Most of the skiing resorts

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Snowzone

          Are in a small area of the Great Dividing Range in the South of New South Wales and Northern Victoria.

          They are the really popular ones and they sometimes even loose a few who are silly enough to go out in bad conditions. The last lot of Snow Boarders who did this where only found when the snow melted come spring they had dug themselves in to a snow cave and then just got covered up to such an extent that they couldn’t be found. Of course if they had of taken some survival gear with them it would have helped no end.

          Col

        • #3345089

          No the guy lives at Jinderbind it is on the snow fields

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Where does it snow in Australia?

          Just West of Sydney sought of anyway. You may have heard of a rock slide at Threadbo several years ago where quite a few people who worked at the resort died.

          Then there is always Melbourne and you are likely to see snow there almost any day as they have all seasons on a daily basis. While Tasmania gets some snow the main areas are the resorts in New South Wales and Victoria. The last time I was dragged kicking and screaming to Threadbo I took one look at the line of ambulances sitting at the bottom of the hill asked what they where doing there and when I received the answer I retired to the nearest bar and had a few drinks. It was warmer and I also worked out that sky clothing is so tough because it doesn’t look all that great seeing red stains on the nice clean snow so while you may break or tear off a limb it still remains contained within the clothes.

          The whole thing appears way to dangerous for my liking so I’ll just stick to motor racing it safer.

          Col

        • #3345039

          But what about ski bunnies?

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to No the guy lives at Jinderbind it is on the snow fields

          Somelook so cute! Many can’t ski worth a damn but who cares ‘apres ski’?

        • #3344998

          OZ they look better in the Bar

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to No the guy lives at Jinderbind it is on the snow fields

          And if you’re inclined are more likely to get them to come with you from there as well.

          I’ll leave the white stuff for those silly enough to want to play in it. After all when they nearly kill themselves it leaves more of the fairer sex available.

          Col 😀

    • #3346740

      Well OZ I didn’t do it

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      This time so what is your excuse?

      Col 😀

      • #3346718

        Just a little warning, Col

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Well OZ I didn’t do it

        I’m enjoying the fact that everyone is colder than me so…

        Mention the weather in Brisbane just once and I will email you a chocolate covered hand-grenade.

        Have a good weekend.

        Neil

        • #3346663

          Neil you should have posted this at the top

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Just a little warning, Col

          Too late I’ve already mentioned the weather here in Brisbane.

          But in fairness we do have a cyclone approaching. Does that help?

          I’ll call a friend at customs and get him to place an intercept on any incoming chocolate.

          Col :D:D:D:D:D:D

      • #3346688

        I JUST this minute crawled out of the fart sack!

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Well OZ I didn’t do it

        Colin, I didn’t set my alarm so I could post this week. These things used to sit all day until I finally posted, unless I post late Thursday night it isn’t gonna work I guess. Well as long as SOMEONE posts the yuk I don’t care.

        I didn’t start saving $400.00 a day either but that’s life.

        It’s 10:09 AM, I have absolutely NO reason to be up early today and decided to lay in a do bugger al bt listen to music for a bit. Still have a cracker headache from some work I was doing yestereday that yanked my kneck out too, SO GET OFF MY CASE MAN!!

        Spank me and call me Charlie!

        (oh, and then have a nice weekend)

        OM 🙂

        • #3346659

          Not a chance OZ

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I JUST this minute crawled out of the fart sack!

          Yesterday I had to take my mother to Canon for a new photocopier “What a nightmare” the one she is getting is all digital naturally and has quite a few benefits that the old one just could not have.

          I then spent most of the day explaining just how she could do her work without ever handling any proofs ever again but she failed to grasp the significance of the fact that the copier is actually a printer and could not understand how she would get the “Masters” from the printer to the photocopier without handling any paper.

          I think I’ve made a dirty great rod for my back. She shows absolutely no interest in using a computer now and it will only get worse when the new copier arrives. Her main reason for refusing to even consider using the computer is that every time she goes to it it looks different {Its got 98SE on it} and buy th looks of things I’ll have to put XP onto the bloody thing to make full use of the new copier so GOD only knows what will transpire from that point on wards.

          Well a few Valium IV and I’ll be OK for at least a short time anyway!

          By the way have a good weekend it’s now Saturday morning here and I think the sun is raising so I’ll have to get some sleep before the bloody phone starts again.

          Col 😀

        • #3346949

          Thank your mother for me

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Not a chance OZ

          I don’t need the chocolate hg – you’re being punished enough.

        • #3345084

          It hasn’t really started

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Thank your mother for me

          YET!

          God only know just how bad it will be when the new photocopier arrives as I think she might take an active interest this time and mess up everything completely. The last time she tried turning it on she couldn’t understand why it didn’t work apparently she turned on the computer but not the monitor.

          You should also try to explain why you click on start to shut it down as well, to he it just makes no sense but at the same time she is quite happy to use the same button on the TV remote to turn it on and off.

          Col 😀

    • #3346704

      So far its been freakishly mild one east coast

      by tomsal ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I’m in NJ…for January its unusally warm here this year.

      We’ve had crazy temperature patterns…just yesterday it was near 70 degrees….IN JANUARY.

      This morning it hit 62 degrees, and this afternoon its suppose to plummet to 33 degrees — before nightfall.

      Crazy stuff.

      Its dark and raining out too…and windy…such a gorgeous day…lol..NOT

      • #3346671

        Tom

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to So far its been freakishly mild one east coast

        We must be close to each other. It got up to 69 yesterday, it was like Spring. Today, it’s 32. We’ve had some flood scares. Our computer room’s false floor sits below the flood plane and the river rose to uncomfortable levels last week. On the bright side, I’ve finally gotten everyone else in the company to acknowledge that our disaster recovery plan that we’ve been working at for months now is an important project.

        • #3346662

          Must be nice in the warm

          by bob in calgary ·

          In reply to Tom

          On Tuesday the temp was +4 C (39 F) By wednesday afternoon it had dropped to -30 C (-22 F) with a wind chill that felt like -48 C (-55 F) It’s been like since then. But it’s going to be up to -10 C (14 F) at the weekend, Time to get the shorts out.

          Anyone want to come to a BBQ?

        • #3346646

          LOL….

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to Must be nice in the warm

          That’s just crazy……um I love bbq’s can I come? 😉

        • #3346947

          I’d join you anyday!

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Must be nice in the warm

          Nothing better than a frosty Barbeque in Alberta. I would just findit hard to carry out any conversation with my mouth agape at the surroundings.

          Until you’ve been there, you just wouldn’t understand I guess. 😉

          P.S. Sunny and a balmy -2 right now, just got back from a walk to the coffee shop, the scenic route (not that they all aren’t) . Great stroll everyone seems happy, nice fresh day to get off to the right start!

          It’s still wierd to walk past people (even on the other side of the street)that wave and say good morning.

          I was wondering this morning, while strolling, when people pray to God do they just pray for help and things to make their lives easier or do people just pray with thanks for everything that’s great instead?

          I don’t pray, but I am always thankful for what life has given me and i enjoy the world around me.

          Does that make me unChristian?

          Bit of a segue but just a thought.

        • #3346647

          Some flooding on our roads

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to Tom

          I’m pretty close to Philadelphia. We have some roadways with minor flooding — they are mostly just the little “back roads” they get little traffic though.

          Of course the road going to my mom’s house was flooded a good foot deep, that was fun with my little front wheel drive car.

          Anyway yep..our server room is at ground level too and is well susceptable to flooding, but did this make they “buy” my need for a proper DR plan (for the last couple years) nope. Its taken so lightly as if I’m asking if we can get strawberry yoohoo in the breakroom vending machine.

        • #3346977

          Well Tom what would you expect

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Some flooding on our roads

          A server room with a view?

          But I’m sure you’ll hear about it if you get flooded and it will be your fault!

          Col 😀

        • #3346968

          Best laid plans

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to Some flooding on our roads

          At my previous employer we had a data centre in the basement of the building – easier to cool, space no one else wanted etc.

          Through no fault of our own, and despite the fact the building had decent exterior drainage, we had a flood. Its was caused by city crews maintaining some outside waterlines and creating an overpressure which burst a pipe in front of the inlet valve in our building. How do you plan for that?

          Luckily it didn’t reach our racks on an elevated raised floor, but our telephone switch gear came within an inch of being hit, as well as a power transformer. The moisture in the air and the dirt brought in did kill some of our telephone equipment.

          James

        • #3345306

          flooding

          by gsg ·

          In reply to Tom

          We were in the low 70s, then within 24 hours, got down to about 12. In the process of the change, we got 5 inches of rain and everything’s flooded. Hey, if it was snow, it’d be 5 feet!

      • #3346669

        Just wait.

        by jamesrl ·

        In reply to So far its been freakishly mild one east coast

        We had a record high in Toronto yesterday of about 55 degrees farenheit, and today, ice and a little snow.

        I missed the beautiful weather yesterday, by the time I left the rain had started.

        James

    • #3346973

      Cold Day here in Alabama

      by montgomery gator ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Temperature got up to only 55 F today (about 13 C for you foreigners). A couple of days ago, the high was in the mid 70s (23 C). 🙂

      Anyway, I can relate. I lived for 4 years in Syracuse, NY, and, although not quite as bad as you describe, I still do not miss the shoveling and icy walks, which were new to someone born and raised in Florida. While in Syracuse, I knew someone from Quebec City who said he never went to Florida for the winter. I said that was quite unusual, and he agreed. In the winter in Florida, the roads are clogged with cars with Ontario and Quebec tags on them.

      • #3346962

        And the state troopers

        by jamesrl ·

        In reply to Cold Day here in Alabama

        Are lined up to catch them speeding…..

        We generally have more “lax” enforcement here. On a major highway in Ontario, the speed limit may be 100 Kmh(about 65 MPH) but 120 kmh is the average drivers speed and you can drive by a hundred speed traps at 120 and not be stopped. 130 is on the edge, and 140 (87 mph) will get you a ticket.

        And Quebec drivers have a reputation for being more agressive – well earned from my time driving in Montreal.

        I can’t remember the name, but I saw a great comedy about the Quebecois in Florida – the premise was the rivallry between two motel owners, both Quebecois, that catered to Quebecois clients visiting Florida for extended stays. They had their social clubs(Kiwanis) from Quebec, all the trappings of home. A friend of mine from Ontario met his wife from Quebec while vacationing in Florida.

        James

    • #3346940

      I’ll be damned!

      by husp1 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      live in MN. woke up to -20 or so had to jumpstart my car (brand new battery) from the lil womans car (6+ yr old battery) go deliver mornig papers (101 custermor on a 16 mile route) get home and furnace moter starts makin funny noise, (high pitch squeel) rebalance fan. then second job calls, boss wants me to go and prep next roofing job. (AKA shovel snow and ice off.) told him to do it cause my cars battery dead (not realy a lie just post dated) go to restart car and slide on ice land on buttocks (hurts to sit) gotta love the cold!!!! (Any of those white pills to spare?)

    • #3345308

      Murphy’s new laws

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
      2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
      3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
      4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
      5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
      6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
      7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
      8. Seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it.
      9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
      10. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
      11. He’s not dead. He’s electroencephalographically challenged.
      12. She’s always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the “Juneflower.”
      13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
      14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
      15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
      16. Pardon my driving, I’m reloading.
      17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
      18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
      19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
      20. Just remember if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off
      21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
      22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
      23. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
      24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
      25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
      26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
      27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
      28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
      29. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture.
      30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing good.
      31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
      32. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
      33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
      34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
      35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
      36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak “Daily Double”

      Have a great weekend all.

      • #3345212

        Great list!

        by mlandis ·

        In reply to Murphy’s new laws

        This one is getting sent out to my buddies!

        Thanks.

        Maureen

      • #3345209

        I like this one…

        by salamander ·

        In reply to Murphy’s new laws

        …especially number twenty. Now I understand all I need to know about gravity…

      • #3345149

        Really Good Stuff

        by willcomp ·

        In reply to Murphy’s new laws

        Haven’t had so much fun reading something in awhile. Will definitely keep a copy.

        Thanks.

        Dalton

      • #3345132

        Priceless!

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Murphy’s new laws

        And some are actually too true to be considered funny.

        Have a good one !
        OM

      • #3345078

        Well now that I’ve recovered from the first lot

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Murphy’s new laws

        This is just as funny but “It HURTS to LAUGH NOW!”

        Col :D:D:D:D:D

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