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  • #2276514

    Friday Yuk!

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    by oz_media ·

    [b][u]GOLFING PARTNERS-Between 6:30 and 6:45[/u][/b]

    Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
    out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

    A woman standing near the tee said, “Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?” They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

    They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.” She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

    Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “Sure, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

    Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

    She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
    If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it’s pointed to the left, golf left-handed.”

    One of the guys asked, “What if it’s pointed straight up?”

    She said, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”

    Have a great weekend everyone, for those that voted Bush (FU,) nah just kidding [b]congratulations![/b]

    For those who voted Kerry, well four more years and you can try again. Enjoy your country for what it is in the meantime.

All Comments

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    • #3296398

      one more for the road

      by oz_media ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk!

      Are you a cowboy?
      An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

      He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.”

      She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women.”

      The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

      He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

      😀

      • #3296387

        Thanks for the laugh

        by tp205 ·

        In reply to one more for the road

        Oz
        we are done with the worse part so I am happy. thanks for the jokes the brighten my day
        Tim

    • #3296354

      Good ones.. Thanks for the laugh

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk!

      THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR FROM TECH SUPPORT

      * “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”

      * “That’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”

      * “So — what are you wearing?”

      * “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”

      * “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”

      * “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”

      * “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”

      * “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”

      * “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”

      * “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.”

      * “Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”

      • #3296350

        :)

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Good ones.. Thanks for the laugh

        So what are you wearing under that? I actually said that once when stumped onsite. Obviously with a close relationship with the user, but the look on her face was still priceless. 😀

        have a great weekend !

        • #3296347

          I’m watching the seconds tick by..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to :)

          19 more minutes.. And I have a shot of woodford reserve waiting for me. You have a good weekend, too.

        • #3296243

          You’re are such a naughty person Mae

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I’m watching the seconds tick by..

          But my favorite is still

          Hold on I’ll just go out to the car and grab the 10 Gallon bottle of sea water to fix this thing up totally.

          Have a good weekend.

          Col

        • #3296183

          naughty?

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You’re are such a naughty person Mae

          I think I may have been.. My 6 year old started bowling in a league this morning. Pins falling at 10:00am. I was a bit much for my cloudy head.

        • #3295773

          Mae was it the falling pins

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to naughty?

          Or all the rest of the noise that was just a bit too much?

          Luckily I’m well and truly past that stage although my nephews seem to think that “Uncle Colin” can fix anything and I’m just brilliant for downloading an old DOS game for them to play.

          It is really hard to keep the constant respect of 5 & 6 years olds and it is even worse when you go over there to do something else for about 15 minutes and end up spending 4 hours attempting to play computer games with them. It is a real COME DOWN having a 6 year old insist that it is EASY and you’re not doing it right!

          Col

      • #3296339

        In the 80s

        by jamesrl ·

        In reply to Good ones.. Thanks for the laugh

        I joined up with a couple of other independants to form a loose consulting group.

        One of them was eccentric to say the least.
        In his bag of tricks, stuffed in among his screwdrivers, utility disks and spares was an old native medicine rattle. When all else failed, and he needed time to rethink a tough problem, he would pull out the rattle, say a native prayer and wave the rattle over the affected computer.

        It would sometimes give him enough time to come up with the right fix – often it looked like a miracle.

        James

        • #3296333

          That’s great

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to In the 80s

          Thanks for the tip!

          Living in an area by a few reservations, it would go over real well here, everyone is used to indian customs and fascinated by thier culture.

          I think I’ll pick up a spiritual blanket to wrap around me and maybe do a small dance too, that’ll raise some eyebrows! LOL 😀

        • #3295809

          Ya know Oz…

          by mlandis ·

          In reply to That’s great

          I never thought you a man of any reservations.

          It is comforting to find you have a few.

          I have had my nose buried in mystery novels all week. My way of coping with bad news.

          Later,
          Maureen

        • #3295763

          Maureen I hope it was nothing serious

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Ya know Oz…

          And you can get on without too many problems.

          Col

        • #3295730

          It was a shocker.

          by mlandis ·

          In reply to Maureen I hope it was nothing serious

          I found out that someone I had gotten to know at the gym, who was personable, affable, funny, with a heart of gold, was great company and would sit with the group of us for a quick cup of coffee and trade war stories before we went our separate ways for the day is off to jail.

          I don’t have reliable information, and don’t know the full story. The story is so ugly and so at odds with what I have known of this guy. On the other hand, he would sometimes say things that would set off alarms in my head, as in ok, don’t discuss this, this and that with so and so. (Fundamentalist stuff – quite at odds with my viewpoint)

          All I can say for sure is that a young infant dies and he was implicated and sentenced. I can’t say whether it was negligence or anything since I don’t know facts. So I am yet reeling.

          All I know is that a few years back, a very you

        • #3296242

          James GREAT ONE

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to In the 80s

          Can I steal it PLEASE?

          I can just see the looks on my customers faces.

          Have a good one and a couple for me.

          Meanwhile I’m trying to organize a new LT to be delivered on a special order by Wednesday so it can leave the country Thursday morning you just have to love your customers when they ring up at 11.00 PM on a Saturday night with demands like that.

          Col

        • #3296181

          Alternative

          by hereinoz ·

          In reply to James GREAT ONE

          How are you on the didgeridoo, col, that could brighten up the customers.

          Alan

        • #3295764

          Alan I allow the women to play those

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Alternative

          Apparently if a woman plays a didgeridoo they are suspose to get pregnant. Of course I tell them all after the event.

          But I’ve been known to “Point The Bone” at several units or ofter to pour several gallons of sea water through a running unit.

          There was one computer that was only saved because I couldn’t find an extension lead long enough to allow it to hit the water in the swimming pool powered up. But that’s a different story as it was a freebie for a friend of a “fiend” one Sunday afternoon and I had to travel 60 K’s each way. It all started out with an error message of imminent Hard Drive Failure on a P4 so I just took a new HDD down cloned the drive and thought well I’m finished here and that was when he wanted SP1 installed on XP it installed perfectly but on the reboot there where no longer any MBR’s left on the drives. That was a nice fun one.

          Needless to say I have not heard from him since.

          Col

    • #3296299

      Good ones OM

      by gbrownlee ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk!

      Some quick onliners..please…keep the groans to yourself.

      Calm Down. Its only ones and zeros.
      Canada Revenue: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
      Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
      Cancer cures smoking.
      Chastity is curable, if detected early.
      Chevy trucks, Harley Davidsons and blondes ? I only ride the best.
      Computer Lie #1: You’ll never use all that disk space.
      Computers can never replace human stupidity.
      Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime??
      Crime wouldn?t pay if the government ran it.
      “Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy.

      For those that have the weekend off, have a good one!

    • #3296278

      Politically incorrent ….

      by jardinier ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk!

      In the spirit of having of a consistent set of rules for Friday Yuk postings, I strongly recommend, and hope, that this disgusting thread be lifted.

      It is BLATANTLY sexist for the following reasons:

      1. It implies that women are better golfers than men;

      2. It implies that the woman considers her husband as merely a sex object. Can you actually MAKE LOVE in 15 minutes? Of course not. So the woman obviously uses her husband for quick gratification.

      • #3296241

        You Naughty Naughty Little Boy Jules

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Politically incorrent ….

        Now it’s 32 Hail Marys and 23 Our Fathers and don’t forget to job the “Poor Box” on the way out.

        Cheers

        Col

      • #3296233

        You ………

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Politically incorrent ….

        Yes you heard me you……..!

        Still……..! And then some more…….!

        What’s with Ausatralians and thier lack of humour ? LOL 😀

        • #3296196

          Now you be a good little boy OZ

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to You ………

          Or I’ll have to e-mail TR with a complaint about the racist way you treat Aussies.

          Now as penance for you I think 200 Hail Mary’s and 4000 Our Fathers and instead of just robbing the poor box on leaving take the whole bloody thing!

          Col

    • #3296245

      OK so here is my feeble effort

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk!

      How to Clean Your Toilet
      without Scrubbing….

      1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

      2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

      3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

      4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

      5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and rinse”.

      6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

      7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

      8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

      9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

      Sincerely,
      The Dog

      Well it is much better with the pictures.

      Col

    • #3295721

      A couple of quickies (no double entendre, please)

      by jardinier ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk!

      What is the difference between George Bush and a zombie?

      (deep thought …….. )

      Aha ! Iv’e got it !
      A zombie lives in Haiti.

      Why do French people eat snails?

      They don’t like fast food !

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