Friday Yuk

sorry Guru but I started one already with a little midwest humor.

To hear that you're not happy.. I promise to find something funny before the end of the day. In the mean time, I'd bet you could find one or two things to smile about.

An Irishman, a mexican, and a blonde guy were all working on a construction site. As they sit down to lunch, the irishman looks in his lunch box and says, "if I get corned beef again, I'll jump off this building." The mexican looks in his lunch box and says, "If I get a burrito again, I'll jump off the building." The blonde guy looks in his and says, "If I get bologna again, I'll jump off this building." The next day they all open their lunch boxes. the irishman sees corned beef and jumps off the building to his death. the mexican sees a burrito and jumps off the building to his death. the blonde guy sees bologna and jumps to his death. At the funerals, the wives are all talking. the irish wife says, "If I had just known he didn't like corned beef, I never would have packed it." the mexican wife says, "If I had just known he didn't like burritos, I never would have packed it." The wife of the blonde guy says, "Don't look at me. he packed his own lunch."

From an article in the Los Angeles Times...

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had
been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had
gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and
slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted
out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube
and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns
to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

-------
Anonymous response to dangerous rodent:

O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
story:

10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on
Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
"tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I
would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal
sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal
lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I
just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's
like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this
cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?
How does one ever take a healthy sh*t after something like this?
And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most
horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond
family.

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

the constipated mathematician?

Eventually he had to work it out with a pencil

The sex shops even sell batery operated gerbils.

It is a common practice in the gay community, I hae been told it is important to always tie a string to the tail and have them declawed though.

Urban legend in some places I'm sure, but it is a fact of gay life in Vancouver.

As for the match well that was new to me, the gerbil is not exactly news though.

You are either in a time warp or these joks ae rsurfacing for the next generation.

I remember tellig my brother that one when it was new to me. He finished the punchline to my amazement (as he ALWAYS does) and disappointd m by sayig he hard it whn we lived in England.

Oh well, I guess a good blonde joke never dies.

P.S. I didn't say you were blonde, but you had changed it from a dumb blonde girl to a guy :)

That twist I HAVEN'T heard yet!

Have a good weekend,
OM

I thank you for the effort and the laughter.

It has now been a week since Mrs Guru took Guru Jr and left the country with her. No warning, no nothing.

I did post another Discussion called Upgrade Path, with a cryptic message to 'read between the lines' before I posted this request...just to see if anyone out there could work it out for themselves...I may be low right now, but my off-beat sense of humour always manages to prevail, somehow!
A couple of phone calls later and several heated emails, turns out Guru Jr (who is 13 months old on Monday) isn't actually Guru Jr, but more likely Unknown Jr.

So this morning, I was pretty low. I have now reached rock bottom and am starting to crawl my way back up again, thanks to a very close friend who gave me a shoulder to cry on, and YOU guys!

Laughter is the best medicine, as Readers Digest are so fond of telling us, and it's true. If you are laughing, you are too busy to cry.

Thanks friends, all of you

Mike

But as the male victim of emotional and some physical abuse in a roller coaster marriage, it 'hit' home. My reply was 'ironic' rather than 'offended'! Read my reply, 'From The Heart' and you will understand more clearly why I needed a good laugh! No offence taken at all and I did change the locations and forward the joke to a few of my British friends, and they loved it, but I did have a night in hospital after having my face kicked in while she was wearing high heels. My face always looked like a bag of wrenches, but how do you explain it to the boss when you turn up at work with a detatched retina, a fractured skull and cuts and bruises. "Hi Guys. Walked into a door!"?