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Friday Yuk

By tp205 ·
Sorry Oz it is already 10am here so I needed to start this thing off right

Why Men Lie

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a

river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water, and
he needed the ax to make his living. The Lord went down into the
water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord
asked.The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron a! x. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez," The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others

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Midwest humor

by tp205 In reply to Friday Yuk

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed
done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day
he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Wisconsin girl. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Don't mess with them Wisconsin girls!

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Maybe not the newest but at least printable here

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

A young blonde Female TV presenter who has recently had a baby is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful brunet co-presenter on the same show she is on.
She grabs the gun out of her hold all handbag and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, 'shut up ... you're next and then that ***** that I?ve been confiding in for the past 3 years is getting it as well!'


Have a good weekend.

Col

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Or

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

I want this back. It DOES work.

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools

and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

It's National Friendship Week. Send this to

everyone you consider A FRIEND.

Pass this on, and brighten someone's day.

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: You had better send

this back!! Good Luck!

I hope it works...

May there always be work for your hands to do;

May your purse always hold a coin or two;

May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

May the hand of a friend always be near you;

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer

you.

OK, this is what you have to do... Send this to

all of your friends.

But - you HAVE to send this within 1 hour from

when you open it!

Now.....Make A wish!! I hope you made your

wish!

Now then, if you send to:

1 person --- your wish will be granted in 1

year

3 people --- 6 months
5 people --- 3 months

6 people --- 1 month

7 people --- 2 weeks

8 people --- 1 week

9 people --- 5 days

10 people --- 3 days

12 people --- 2 days

15 people --- 1 day

20 people --- 3 hours

If you delete this after you read it, you will

have 1 year of bad luck!

But, if you send it to 2 of your friends, you

will automatically
have 3 years good luck!!!

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Flying Tips and Observations

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena AFB,
Japan.)

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

From an old carrier sailor -
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines
in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ****!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row
is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held
on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill
you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash
as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the *******
down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.)

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a
good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same
time.
(Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
to taxi to the terminal.

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Strange Military Quotes

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

Strange Military Quotes

"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance
halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers,
uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there
accidentally."
Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American
doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they
feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...
- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
-Russian military doctrine.

...At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop
"sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the
Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them
last time!"...

"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is
chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis."
- from a post-war debriefing of a German General

Pearl Harbour Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"
.... Said to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the
Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941.

In 1836, the Creek and Seminole Indian tribes in Georgia and Florida were
waging war against the United States. The U. S. Army had its hands full.
The Fifth Commandant of the Marine Corps offered the services of a
regiment of Marines for duty with the Army. Henderson placed himself in
command and, taking virtually the entire available strength of the Corps,
left for the extended campaign after tacking a terse message on his office
door which read:
"Have gone to Florida to fight Indians.
Will be back when War is over.

A. Henderson
Col. Commandant"


The best armor is staying out of gun-shot range.
-Italian proverb


Funny Quotes From Bumper Stickers

There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives.
-Bumper Sticker

You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed,
physically-abusive, cold, dead hand.
-Bumper sticker


Funny Uknown Quotes

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
- Unknown

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for
- Unknown

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day
- Unknown

Draft beer, not people
- Unknown

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, and a lot of
bitching."
-Unknown


Funny Latin Quotes

Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum
Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe.

*** catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum
immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock
at your head


Funny Quotes about Air planes and Aircrafts

"Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they then carry
any kind of load?"
- William Pickering, Astronomer (190

"Airplanes suffers from so many technical faults that it is only a matter
of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!"
- Scientific American (1910)

"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris."
- Orville Wright.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch [Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
Guerre] (circa 1911)
He was Supreme Commander of Allied forces, 1918

"Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!"
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch

"To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags
of flour. It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while
it is attacked by airplanes."
- Newton Baker, US secretary of defense (1921)


Funny Submarine quotes

"Yes, it is possible!"
-William Bourne, English inventor. (157 He also points out that
submarines can be an effective weapon in wartime.

"The only thing that will happen is that the vessel will sink, and
suffocate the crew"
- H. G. Wells, English writer(1902) (Submarines had been used since ca.
1850)

"Even if a submarine should work by a miracle, it will never be used. No
country in this world would ever use such a vicious and petty form of
warfare!"
- William Henderson, British admiral(1914)


Funny Quotes about Radio Communication

"If two people can't see each other, then it's impossible to communicate"
- Unknown roman warfare expert (63 ad.)

"Samuel Morse most have lost his mind if he believes in this idea
himself!"
- Senator Oliver Hampton Smith, (1842)
after having seen a demonstration of Morse's new invention.

"It is only righteous that Joshua Coppersmiths, who has tried to find
investors to finance the development of a so-called telephone, is arrested
for fraud!"
- An article in the Boston Post (1865)

"The radio has no future!"
- Lord Kelvin, British Mathematician(1897)

"Use your time on something useful. All radios this country will ever need
can easily fit on my desk!"
- W.W. Dean, director of the American phone company "W.W. Dean"(1907), to
Lee DeForrest (one of radios first pioneers)

"Radio is just a fashion contrivance that will soon die out. It is obvious
that there never will be invented a proper receiver!"
- Thomas Edison

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in
the radio in the 1920s

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Just when you think you've heard everything..........

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk

From an article in the Los Angeles Times...

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had
been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had
gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his ****** and
slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted
out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube
and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns
to his **** and lower intestinal tract.

-------
Anonymous response to dangerous rodent:

O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
story:

10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his ****** . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into ****. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.
That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
being shot out of the guy's *** like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on
Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's ***. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
"tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I
would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, ****
sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal
lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I
just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's
like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this
cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the ****". Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?
How does one ever take a healthy sh*t after something like this?
And the smell of burning **** must be in the top five most
horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond
family.

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Don't apologize

by Oz_Media In reply to Friday Yuk

I started the Friday yuk a while back because things were too droll on Fridays here. The hope was that others would enjoy sharing a few laughs at the end of the week and perhaps it would help narrow some of the diferences between us all.

To see people jumping at the Friday Yuk is just great, I am glad it caught on and that people like to have a laugh or a cringe on Fridays.

Shakespeare said: "If music be the food of love...play on"

I say, "If humor be the food of friends, laugh away."

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