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Friday Yuk

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Ok not too much timeto come up with something good, drew ablank myself as I really don't know too many 'public' jokes.

So here's a list:
TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE
ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

Enjoy your weekend everyone!
OM

23 replies

by don_c

Hi all. I thought this was funny

I was walking down the street one day
When I saw a man that seemed a little upset
I stop and ask him if everything?s ok
He pointed to a sign that said
Over 50,000 battered women in the United Stated
I said that?s really bad
He said yes and I?m still having mine plain

by oz_media

I have heard a similar battered women joke but it wasn't only sexist, it was racist too.

Now that I've heard the PG version, perhaps I'll be able to share this one again.

Cheers!

by maecuff

A woman bursts through the front door and says "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery"!

Her husband says, "Great, should I pack for the beach or the mountains"?

"Doesn't matter", says the wife, "just get the hell out."

by maecuff

Okay, I will try again. A disclaimer..if you are offended by jokes sexual in nature, please do not read any further.

Little Billy's teacher called on each student in turn, asking them for a three syllable word. When she reached little Billy, he said "Mas-ter-bate".

The teacher says, "Well, Billy, that is quite a mouthful."

Little Billy says, "No, teacher, you're thinking of a blow job".

by hal 9000

A Lawyer being driven home in his limo sees a man at the side of the road on all fours eating grass. He is horrified and tells his driver to stop immediately. He get out and asks the man why he is eating the grass stubble and the man replies ?Well I?ve been out of work so long & I?m so hungry that?s all that is left for me to eat!?

The lawyer replies This is totally unnecessary and then offers the man a lift to his home for a meal, the man then tells the lawyer that his wife and three children are over further away from the road and the lawyer says well I have a big car they can fit in and I?ll have you home within 20 minutes.

The man calls his wife and children over and tells them that this very nice man has offered to take them to his house for a meal and his wife says what about my sister her husband and 5 children?

The lawyer says well I do have a big car and while it will be a bit of a squeeze I?m sure everyone will fit in. So they all jump into the Limo and proceed towards the Lawyers home. On the way the man offers prolific thanks to the Lawyer telling him just what a kind soul he is to take so many unknown people off the side of the road and to feed them.

The Lawyer replies ?No thanks required your going to love my place as the grass is about 2 foot high!?

That's the best that I could come up with that is post able here

Col

by voldar

Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding:
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
------------------------

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
-----------------------

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

by voldar

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put-on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

by sleepin'dawg

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their
pennies; and they were both in very good health, thanks largely to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three
decades.

Unfortunately, their good health didn't help them when one day they went
on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He led
them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a
fully-stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be
seen hanging their favorite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be
your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man glanced out the window and saw a championship golf course,
finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day any
starting time you wish."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
exotic desserts, free-flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven -- it is
all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much
a s you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your Fuc*ing fat-free
bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!

by sleepin'dawg

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at
the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived
the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in
the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is
no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

(scroll)

(scroll)

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen!

by sleepin'dawg

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So
is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note
on the table

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well,
you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady,
leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00 Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00 Saying the right thing - Priceless

by sleepin'dawg

Succeeding in life is all about figuring out the rules, and learning how
to bend them. This page will get you half way there.

"The golden rule is that there are no golden rules" or "He that has the gold
makes the rules."

? The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the
other 90% of the time.

? If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

? A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ass.

? Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

? After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.

? The more rubbish you put up with, the more rubbish you are going to get.

? You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.(true)

? Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

? When your boss talks about improving productivity, he isnever
talking about himself.

? If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no point making a fool
of yourself.

? Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".

? Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

? To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

? Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

? Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

? If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

? You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.

? The people who go to conferences are the ones who dont' need to.

? If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

? At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

? When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

. The difference between fear and panic : Fear is the first time you find you
can't do something the second time; Panic, on the other hand is.................

. Sexual harassment laws prevent the snatching of kisses and vice versa.

? If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

by sleepin'dawg

There were three men sitting
on a bench, one was a Texan
wearing a cowboy hat, one was a
Muslim wearing a turban, and
the last fellow was an Apache
with a feather in his hair.

The Indian was sad and gloomy as he
said, "My people were many, but
now we are few."

The Muslim puffs up and said,
"Once my people were few, but
now we are many."

The Texan adjust his hat, rolls
a smoke, leans back and drawls
out, "That's because we ain't
played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

by oz_media

Actually when I was a kid it was cowboys ad hindu's.

Appreciate your input but you may notice that people just add one YUK on a Friday as a 'have a nice weekend' sentiment.

I certainly wouldn't want to dictate how you user the forum but maybe offer a joke and save your others for another week. We can all throw out a few hundred jokes if we wanted but the idea is just to have a light YUK from those who want to say Happy Friday.

by sleepin'dawg

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of
vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real
reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 297 million. 164 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of
this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the
work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do
the work.

You and me. And you're sitting there screwing around on the internet.

by oz_media

For someone who deems himself quite successful ad strog, you certaily show yourself as one of the most insecur and unsure pople I have seen here.

For some reason, each and every post you make must be some sort of cheap pot shot at myself.

Now I can understad if you don't like what I hae to say, I can understand if you don't like me at all, I can uderstand that you probably need to feel a little bigger than you really ae by simply knocking someone else at every chance you get. These are all very common and expected traits from someoe that is as insecure and self concious as yourself.

Now I can accept your reasons for not liking me, that goes both ways. But I try to refrain from titling ecery response to you with a third patry 'hook' to seem as if I am superior to you. I have no need for others to see me as better or worse than yourself (mind you, you do that al by yourself and need no help)by titling a post to make it seem as if I was correcting you when I really wasn't.

What I fid saddest though, other than some VERY racist comments that you have decided to bring to this forum that NEVER even had a slightly racist implication before your coming along, is that all of your posts ae centered around me and myopinions. Truly it's flattering to be the center of your attention but it gets pretty boring reading your tripe sometimes, mainly when you have nothing to add or take from a post except a mistitled flame in true grade 4 style.

So as my post states, have you always had these issues where you are overly infatuated with people or am I the first you have recognized with such interest?

I must remind you I am male and not at all interested in sleeping with an old crippled man in any way, shape, or form, I grow my own vegetables thanks.

Now a few of the ladies here have also expressed their great distaste in your attitude and posts, so I am wondering who you are out to impress, if not just yourself.

So while I made a very non-combative comment that it's okay to post a few but the hoards of jokes generally just stop others from adding to the thread, you actually came back with a simple and logical explanation that I had completely expected as I also just remember them one after the other. Fair enough, I can relate completely.

Then Colin mentioned that he didn't mid a few extra Yuks, that's fine, but your retort to Colin was again a third party hack at me.

So as soon as you hae an audience, it seems you lose all tact and logic and just start flamig people in order to hopefully get some support in your mission of infatuation.

Do me and everyone else who reads all your posts a favour, have something to say that is actually relevant and makes SOME sense.

I bet you're the type of guy who sits in the bar with four friends and shouts the loudest so everyone notices him. The other guys you are with slowly slid under the table as you embarass them and yourself in an effort to look good but all the while look like an idiot.

ow whether you ae Scottish, Canadian or American tomorrow, try to remember, you may impress yourself, but I don't think too many others are awed by your blatant lack of common courtesy and respect in a multicultural and public forum.

Just some advice, take it as you wish;
Stop calling everyone names when you disagree with them (that's ot a Canadian trait), stop being so racist (no matter WHAT your excuse is)because THAT's ot a Canadian trait either and stop the third party mistitled replies, that just makes Canadian education look bad.

You MAY gain some credibility as a human being, but it is highly doubtful.

Now, this is the pat where you can prove your inability to converse like a normal human being.

by sleepin'dawg

Rave on fool. You're like something I stepped in and about as hard to get rid of. I put some of this stuff up just to rattle you and guess what??? You get sucked in without fail. Go back and read the posts and see how many dump on you besides me. If you only knew how much others have encouraged me you'd be amazed. You see Oz almost everyone takes you for a liar and a joke. Winding you up is like shooting fish in a barrel. Almost too easy and getting easier all the time. What a yol. But hey, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean we're not out to get you!!!! Are you sure you still want to meet my plane??? I'm looking forward to it. Have to see if a snot nosed limey SOB knows how to dance.To quote you," What a maroon" and even that isn't original since you stole it from a bunny rabbit. Be seeing you Elmer but not quite as you expect. Oh ask yourself this; if I'm going to Duncan why on earth would I go to YVC??? YJJ is more convenient and I'll be calling in over either Stuart or Darcy sometime around 09:30 your time and tying down at Viking Air by 10-10:15 local time.

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