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by older mycroft

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An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother."

33 replies

by gadgetgirl

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'

:p

GG
]:)

by bizzo

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem".

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!

As he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom, Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.

Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding".

by critch

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago
you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then
two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant
again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

by bizzo

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they were dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go? The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

by jdclyde

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

by jdclyde

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEI! NS. REM EMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

by jdclyde

Kellogg's has brought out a brand new, very appropriate, breakfast cereal version for the 2008 election year.

flakes

by jdclyde

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington ...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

by mr.wiz

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ?Business trip or pleasure??

She turned, smiled and said, ?Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.?

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ?What's your business role at this convention??

?Lecturer,? she responded. ?I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.?

?Really?? he said. ?And what kind of myths are there??

?Well,? she explained, ?one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.?

?Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.?

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ?I'm sorry,? she said, ?I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.?

?Tonto,? the man said, ?Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba

by older mycroft

(You MUST read them aloud) (not really)

English Chinese

------- -------

That's not right Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone No Pah King

Our meeting is for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

>>Apparently Beth has coded Chinese sweary-words into the syntax checker!

Sh!t ;)

by mr.wiz

I couldn't resist this one!

The Pastor's A$$

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S A$$ OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
The pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A$$.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
Rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
The next day:

NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
She sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
The donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the

NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .
Even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's a$$ and you'll be happier and live longer!

(author unknown)

by ontheropes

Forget where I nabbed it, I think it was Dugg or something. I haven't had time to post my usual mishmash of pix either and now it's time to crash out. Waaaay pest my bedtime.

by Member 25348569

I completely missed that.

Still, on London's crowded roads there's a certain amount of hate=hate between car drivers and pedestrians and cyclists (who are hated by both other groups).

As a pedestrian, I see cyclists as thoughtless idiots who run red lights and cycle on pavements (that's the bit we Brits walk on; you would call it a sidewalk). As a driver, I see cyclists as something that you can remove from your wheel arches with a simple jetwash if you don't let them dry.

:D

by jdclyde

pavement? :0

A walkway along the side LOGICALLY would be a sideWALK. silly brits! ;\

HERE, cyclists are suppose to ride in the road, and are expected to follow ALL rules of the road and CAN get a ticket for running that red light/stop sign.

Here, it is more a war between the runners and the walkers and the rollerbladers.

We have been taking out old railways and putting in "pavements" for walking/riding/running/blading. Can go from one side of the state to the other on the "railwalks", as most cities have connected them together.

I do the rollerblading mostly. going to try the running again this spring.

by nicknielsen

Ole is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be ' North Dakota ' for you non-Scandahoovians out there)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

Been awhile since I did more than browse the Friday Yuk, so I thought I'd post this week...even though it's late!

by Member 25348569

is where the cars drive. So, a road has both the road (for cars) and the pavement (for walkers. Yeah, OK, silly Brits...

Our cyclist are expected to follow the rules of the road as well but quite a few cycle on pedestrian areas and many more ignore red lights even if the lights control pedestrian crossings. London streets are VERY busy so there is a state of undeclared war. Because we are more into "green" than the US, our cyclists believe that they some sort of moral high ground.

This is so close to truth that it's frightening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAOHhV1EFe4

Oooops, rant starting here! Calm down!

Neil :D

by jdclyde

My now retired aunt and uncle are big time eco nuts AND cyclists. Matter of fact they got VERY pissed at me when I asked about them saving the planet by driving their RV around the country so they could go biking in the mountains...... yeah, about 4 miles per gallon? Nice..... :p

They went to a big "cut carbon output by (I don't remember the number)". I thought it was cool, and asked them how they came up with that number to cut by, and what the impact of cutting by that number. The silence was deafening.... and of course they drove their RV to the event..... :D

by jdclyde

We call anything here that is paved, pavement. I kind of think that is where the name comes from..... :p

by Member 25348569

Most of our roads are tarmac - does that count? Sometimes the road (pavement to you) is "the tarmac". You Yanks, I believe, use "the tarmac" only in airports. I notice a lot of US roads are concrete and we don't have much of that except on the odd bit of motorway (freeway). Most of our sidewalks in town are surfaced with paving slabs - that makes them pavements, I suppose.

This image is by the amazing pavement artist Julian Beever but also serves to show that our "sidewalks" are paved and the "pavements" are tarmac. The road is The Strand and is pretty typical of UK streets.

Neil

by rob mekel

Mother Teresa went to heaven. At her first dinner meal, Jesus is serving out the dinner.
It's just a simple meal, piece of meat, potato's and some veggies completed with a glass of water.
Mother Teresa is looking at her plate and then looks down to hell. There she sees a real feast meal with deer, rice, potato's, all kind of salads, nice puddings, icecreams and all kind of drinks as, wine, coke, port, wiskey, cognac, koffie, even Irish coffee and so on. Then looks back at her plate and thinks: It can't be a feast meal all the time. Then starts to eat.

The next day at dinner, Jesus serves out the meal again. It is yet an other simple meal. She looks down to hell again and sees yet an other great luxurious meal being served in hell. She thinks well maybe it will better tomorrow.

The third day, again Jesus serves out the dinner meal and again it's a very simple meal. Mother Teresa looks down again and sees down in hell again a gorgeous meal being served. She then asks Jesus: How come that the dinners in hell are so luxurious while here in Heaven the dinners are so simple. Jesus answers as he looks around: It is much more rewarding to cook down there then it is for just the 2 of us.

Rob

by jdclyde

Most "Highways" and streets are asphalt. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asphalt

Some are being poured made out of concrete. Not as nice to drive on, but suppose to last longer?

Sidewalks are often poured cement, but sometimes it is paving bricks, although often not as big as in your pic.

Regardless of the material used, it is generically referred to as "paved" or Pavement.

Even the bike paths I mentioned are considered paved paths.

And yes, here a tarmac is only at an airport, but I don't think it is referring at all about the material being used, and the wiki page was of no use to me.

by steffi28

Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.

Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

Being bad is no longer cool.

You have friends who have kids.

Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

Your parents' jokes are now funny.

You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Naps are good.

Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".

When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't dispense balloons.

When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.

The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.

You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.

You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

You WANT clothes for Christmas.

You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You've bought an album on vinyl.

You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

You read the "if you were born on this day in 1989 you are of legal age to buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a school dance on that date.

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