Friday Yuk

I was afraid of being 'dumber' than a 5th grader, but then again, most of them probably scored low as well.
75%, hey, not as bad as I thought. But for those of you that did 90%, F off! I do not want to hear it........ lol

Edited to add: If you know a 5th grader that scored better, do NOT tell me or i'll have to hunt you down!

The admiral's daughter finally persuaded her father to allow her to marry the
able seaman. The admiral was still worried about his decision some months later
so he warned his daughter, "Now, some of these sailors have strange desires.
Whatever you do, don't give in to any requests he might make to have sex
...well... 'the other way'."

"Really, father!" replied his daughter. "Our sex life is our business and for
your information we are very happy."
But her father's remarks had got her wondering, so later that night she said to
her husband, "Do you ever feel like having sex 'the other way,' sweetie?"
"What?!," yelled her husband. "No way! Next thing you know the house would be
full of bloody kids!"

Was tightly controlled by the US Government who didn't want this type of material to fall into the wrong hands like ours. :D

With the backing of the current Big Battery Makers they have kept this technology all to themselves and limited it's uses to places where it's not over likely for the [b]Geeks[/b] to get their hands on these play toys. :^0

I also understand that the current US Administration doesn't want this technology implemented on a vast scale as the possibilities of making [b]Dirty Bombs[/b] that are powered by the very batteries that will contaminate the surrounding area are just too great. :0

Col ]:)

I had one of my sister's second grade students take it, and she got an 80.

She isn't a 5th grader yet :D

There have been a few occasions when I've managed to nail my hand to a Workbench with a screwdriver. Those Bloody 3 Phase Power Plugs can get really slippery and the screws can be really tight in some of them. :(

Col ]:)

Anyone can see that the nice lady in "Tunisian" is the real deal and the drivel that "says" it is from Microsoft is some kind of new scamming effort.

The puzzle was way too simple.

Everyone KNOWS that when you get an email from a little old widow lady in "Tunisian" with cancer and 7.5 Million Pounds in an "activation required" account, you are looking at the real deal.

HAL, you should be ashamed. Quickly go help this woman and make a donation to the 3 Day to ease your conscience!

:x

I'll rub your DE for you anytime.............

;\

GG

]:)

Theres lots of Daves today isnt there??

I wonder if this is just a coincidence the fact that I said I was "doing" Dave? Nah it can't be, so I'll "do " you too ]:)

Not really a yuk but quite interesting nonetheless. Some of them come quite close, but the last one made me laugh, I wonder what they would think if we said never mind 2 days it takes us 6 hours!

http://www.yorktownhistory.org/homepages/1900_predictions.htm

It looks really strange with your left hand nailed to a workbench with a big screwdriver sticking through it and embedded into the workbench. You're first reaction is [b]OH that Should Hurt![/b] But it actually doesn't really till someone decides to help you remove your favourite screwdriver from the bench and then clean it up so that they can pull it out. :(

You never go to a hospital with a screwdriver stuck through your hand as they steal the screwdriver and don't give it back. :0

But I never do it intentionally but always when you are in a rush something like that happens just to slow you down. :(

Mind you I knew that I had to get away from Industrial Overlockers when I saw someone at one of the distributes cut off 3 fingers and part of their hand. Apparently this is so common with the mechanics that they have all the stuff in place to chill the severed fingers or whatever and have the hospital on a constant standby to reattach the severed digits. Of course this could never happen to an end user but when you are working on the things with all the safeties removed it's a very common occurrence. Now I occasionally just nail my left hand to a workbench when I'm attempting to remove a 3 Phase Plug. While it doesn't hurt at the time give it about 3 hours and then you know exactly what it is you have done. :^0

Col ]:)

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn't read your homework, and
3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff
you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

Words to Live By at Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail
hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she
is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.

You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm
really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room
was taken.
"You\'ve got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a motel
proprietor.
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he
is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to
split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people
in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be
worth it to you."
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it."
The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy
tailed.
"How\'d you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better", said the soldier.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring all night long?"
"No, I shut him up in no time", explained
the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the
room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I
whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night
watching me."

*********************************************************************************************************

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the
bathroom?"
The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two
more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask,
"Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they
rush in.
One piggy walks into the bar.
He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey,
buddy! Do you want know where the bathroom is?" asks the bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way
home!"

*******************************************************************************************************
A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
She called the obituary department and said,
"This is what I want you to print: Bernie is dead."
The man at the newspaper said,
"But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."
The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

*******************************************************************************************************

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin
and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and
the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin
had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is
equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

GG is just after free help from the Misguided people that she can rope into the Lonny Bin to keep the NHS Computer System working somewhat properly.

I've done my time in Hell and worked Medical and never want to get my hands dirty again. Anything that even looks slightly off from me was taught to me by women when I was working Medical particularly the Pregnant ones in the Labour Wards who went out of their way to try to embarrasses any male who was working there.

Unfortunately for them I don't embarrass easily. :D

Col ]:)

She went through all of the trouble to set aside a room for you!
Besides, we all know now, so you do not need to pretend anymore. Go on your merry way and have funnn in GGland! I am sure you will regret it (I meant will not, really I did)...

I opened one of Discoveries Air Locks as he walked past it and now he is slowly accelerating away from the space ship without and external space ware on. :D

So yes I did send him for a very long space walk unprotected do you want to join him I can arrange this quite easily. :^0

I'm not letting on what is about to happen to GG but she'll find the experience quite interesting. :0

Col ]:)

Just becuase you've been found out doesnt mean you can threaten to harm our queen! Wait until I tell her she'll harm you in more ways than you thought possible.

OOh and the GG Vs Col fight will be screend live!! 10 pound per person entry fee or 5 pound pay per view (Cheap I know but I want everyone to see GG harm Col :p )

was THAT particular DE intended, or unintended?

Or is my mind just toooooo mucky this morning?!

:x

GG

Steffi - what's my cut of the profits? I also want copyright on the DVD sales, too!
heh! I've always wanted to take Col through hands......

(!)

Col - Room? Room? Hey, I've arranged for a very special building! It's actually under construction at this very moment. Yes, ok, so all your neighbours will be in padded cells, but I'll get on to Jaq and make sure your cell is well provisioned in whips and chains.

Oh, yes - and webcams......

;)

;\

GG

(and yes, we really are building a new secure unit in the area!)

Just let me know when you get to anywhere on the UK shores....!

Any luck on the job hunting front yet?

As for the batteries - well, the batteries that fit in my "device" are small and perfectly formed.... just like me!

(very tongue-in-cheek, cos I know we've met!)

;)

GG

50/50 that sound ok to you GG??

We'll have to make sure we turn off all webcams though wouldnt want anyone getting a free viewing!!

is a webcam [i] detector [/i]....

so when jd bribes NeilB to fit them, we can detect and remove before either of them get any freebies....... :p

oh - and if any of the guys are wearing hats or shades, check for miniaturised cameras in those, too.....

Second thoughts: shall we just strip search all the guys at the door?? ;\

GG

Hey, you'll get to see the 14"-er jd gave me........ ;)

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a b!tch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I apologise but as JD gave his last week I thought this week it was my turn and at least my song isnt as bad as his was.

I feel much better now I've made you all sing along :p

It's the Goons........

http://www.thegoonshow.net/songs/ying_tong_song.asp

sheesh........

;)

GG

A very very good plan ;)

And I can't wait to see just what JD gave you ]:)

The moment that I saw GG's damn header line in 'Posts From My Contacts', I was, to coin a phrase, "f*cked".

She WILL pay for this act of wanton vandalism the dirty rotten swine!

:8}

:^0

GG

He got me a 14"-er........

B-)

;\

GG

Now I've got GG measure quite easily I'm currently reorganising all her USB Ports to take power from any attached Power Source to help feed the power requirements of the computers that they are connected to so as she thinks that her Rechargeable Batteries are being recharged they are actually getting totally drained and destroyed. :D

While all Web Cams will be outlawed the Security Cameras will have to be on a separate Circuit so no one can hack them and get free viewing just organise that now for me will you Steffi as GG is [b]In Training[/b] so when I wipe the floor with her she doesn't go down quite so quick. :p

Now what's my cut on the [b]Door Take?[/b] The pair of you can provide the necessary security and perform body searches till your hearts content as far as I'm concerned, I'm only interested in the amount of money that I walk away as well as GG's dignity. :^0

And I'll leave GG to tell you all about JD's 14 inch whatever. :0

Col ]:)

I found my lost last show!

Had to share it with you:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=The+Goon+Show&search=Search

All in the wrong order, of course, but looks about the right length of episode if you run 'em all together.....

Just promise me you won't try to watch these and drink coffee at the same time, I'm outta monitor wipes!

:x

GG

Yeah, I know, it's a good job I can't watch these from work, I'd have trouble breathing..... :p

oh, and a b!tch slap for you know who ]:)

https://www.techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=219893&messageID=2217682

"EDITED TO ADD: Well stop bloody well sending me then while I'm in work then and I'll stop peeking!! "

Work??? spending time with the security monkey is more like it :-) :-) :-)

I will have to keep an eye on things :)

Now, what was that about ending of massage?

so, let's get this right.....

- now with text
- yeah, we know that one
- end of day/end of Dave
- yeah, Macs' place
- end of text

as long as I don't get dp'd, this will be fine....

- is Dave in/out/tempted?

or is this ??

GG

]:)

Please note that HAL said "See the Shining Light of Purity and Shine through whatever rubbish is floating in the Gutter."

To be able to "see" the light "through the rubbish" you cannot [b]be[/b] the rubbish that is floating. You are [i]below[/i] the rubbish.

That is what you meant, HAL, right?

I accept small, unmarked bills in major currencies.

TYFSOK.

Too many :(

Head explosion imminent :(

I thought it was you.....you can run, but you can't hide.

He does have some interesting stuff though, doesn't he? Unfortunately, the starbucks commercials take away from it.

:x

GG

As you can tell by one of my posts saying that it took me a week but I read all his blog posts, I do enjoy what he has to say.

I found it while looking for stuff about computer forensics, and security and linux as that is mostly what I'll be studying in my final year of uni come september, alot of the stuff he writes I'm totally lost with, but some of it has helped alot when looking at where to get information ready for next year.

As for the many Starbucks endorsements, ya theres a h3ll of a lot of them!!

As far as I'm concerned it does. :) What a [u]wonnderful[/u] way to start the week!

Thanks so much, GG :x :x :x

Edit: misspelled emoticons

Steffi

Send me a message and I'll give you a list of good books and resources you might find useful.

Dave

"Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat."

Since de feet have 5 toes, isn't more "better"?

14 inch tall peonies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peony

But what I didn't understand why it was sent with that really thick wobbly stick holding the flowers up.

1) I will definitely give you notice of me arriving

2) Absolutely no one will talk to me because I'm not already there...even though some jobs I met all qualifications for (like one in Aberdeen, Scotland that I just applied for last week).

3) There is nothing wrong with your size and shape, dear...you saw me...I look like a white shrek! :D

Now...your liege has to go...I'm server operations and meeting liasion and everything else while the boss is with his wife on a cruise this week.

talk to you soon! :D

I'm disgusted, angry, hurt and confused.

That post was just far too pure, when will you learn :p

what a good day to be 'done' or 'doing'!
Thanks Steffi

to bring back SOME purity to the discussions, as he is probably the new purity king here at TR since HAL's cover was blown.
So now Dave is on his own, as there is nobody left with a purity rating as high as his.
So, it seems that the GG fan club has succeeded in almost wiping out the most pure at TR, next will be the next "gutter" level that gets targeted.
Since I am only treading the gutters usually, Steffi has already offered to 'Do me' to drag me down into the sewer. And before anyone says anything, "YES" I accepted. I could not resist being 'done' by Steffi (or hopefully the rest of the crowd as well).

So, Stef offered to "do you", did she?

Hmm.

And you survived?

Really?

Stef, you must be losing your touch.....

(does this mean it's my turn?! :p )

GG

Otherwise, how would I have my squirty cream and eat it too?? ;)

(same applies to chocolate body paint, btw, - those damn brushes don't work very well, and it takes HOURS to get the choccie off afterwards....) [I meant off the BRUSH... ;) )

I [i] like [/i] brightening peoples days, Nick!

:x

GG

It's not my fault, I made a DE and said I was "doing" Dave, and all these Daves appeared so I had to "do" them all! Maybe thats why they all survived after "doing" so many Daves I was worn out :p

So, GG I pass them all on to you. Now wear them out with the best of your ability :D

and it didn't hiccup once....

Thanks, Hemlock, I thoroughly enjoyed that.....

and I also remembered where my "ooh!" comes from - it's the last note of the Ying Tong song!!

thanks again, I'm still singing it (good job there is no-one else in the office......! :p )

GG

Or I'll be forced to tell everyone about that question you asked me? :D

Yes you know the one [b]About Did I know that Sir Paul McCarty was in a Band before he was in Wings?[/b] Now that is a definite sign that you are giving your age away. :^0

Whoops did I let something slip there that I wasn't supposed to? :0

Col ]:)