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Friday Yuk. As OZ has failed to live up to one of his New Years Resolutions

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
I got this one sent to me by one of the TR Peers and loved it.

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about
the birds and the bees.

??oI don't want to know!" the child said, bursting
into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no
Santa" speech.

At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech."


When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no
tooth fairy" speech.

If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really
get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."


Or keeping to the religious vein which seems to have been very active recently

The Dead Parrot

A young families children?s pet parrot dies and the children are disconsolate and unable to be comforted.

Out of desperation the mother suggests that they have a Funeral for the dead bird. This makes the children think and they ask can we have a proper coffin? And can we perform the service our selves?

The mother agrees to this and finds an old shoe box and lines it with scrap material to make the dead bird look comfortable and then digs a hole in the back yard to burry the dead bird.

The children ran the funeral service just like the one that they saw when their Great Uncle died they give speeches about just what a good bird it was and then finish with this prayer.

In the Name of the Father the Son and In The Hole He Goes.

Suffer OZ I've given you till 1.30 AM on Saturday AU time and you've missed the boat again!

Thanks to the Peer who sent in the first one I will not name them to protect the GULITY.

Col

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Cat Haiku

by Salamander In reply to Friday Yuk. As OZ has fai ...

This was forwarded to my e-mail last week...don't know who the original (clearly feline) author is...hope you enjoy...

Cat Haiku

> The food in my bowl
> Is old, and more to the point
> Contains no tuna.
>
> So you want to play.
> Will I claw at dancing string?
> Your ankle's closer.
>
> There's no dignity
> In being sick -- which is why
> I don't tell you where.
>
> Seeking solitude
> I am locked in the closet.
> For once, I need you.
>
> Tiny can, dumped in
> Plastic bowl. Presentation,
> One star; service: none.
>
> Am I in your way?
> You seem to have it backwards:
> This pillow's taken.
>
> Your mouth is moving;
> Up and down, emitting noise.
> I've lost interest.
>
> The dog wags his tail,
> Seeking approval. See mine?
> Different message.
>
> My brain: walnut-sized.
> Yours: largest among primates.
> Yet, who leaves for work?
>
> Most problems can be
> Ignored. The more difficult
> Ones can be slept through.
>
> My affection is conditional.
> Don't stand up,
> It's your lap I love.
>
> Cats can't steal the breath
> Of children. But if my tail's
> Pulled again, I'll learn.
>
> I don't mind being
> Teased, any more than you mind
> A skin graft or two.
>
> So you call this thing
> Your "cat carrier." I call
> These my "blades of death."
>
> Toy mice, dancing yarn
> Meowing sounds. I am convinced:
> You're an idiot.
>

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Cat's have staff!

by mlandis In reply to Cat Haiku

They are not owned, and don't forget it.

This was great stuff and is getting sent out. Thanks.

Maureen

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You're welcome

by Salamander In reply to Cat's have staff!

Glad you enjoyed! :)

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That's great thanks!

by Oz_Media In reply to Cat's have staff!

A friend of mine said she was going to get a cat because she wanted to own another cat, when I finally stoppd laughing I asked her "who do you think YOU are kidding?!" If you're lucky, you will be able to appease a cat long enough that it chooses to stick around and keep your company.

If not it will find someone else to take over where you have failed. OWN a cat!! Now that's good Friday Yuk humor!

We are just lucky that cats decided to let us domestiate them, a 7 lb animal that can shred the life from a grown man with ease is not something you want to upset. If cats CHOSE to rule the world, they could with ease.

The opposing thumbs aspect of mankind has helped us survive and be needed by them as we can at least open cans of food for them and do that little pinchy thing on their ears that they seem to love so much.

Enjoy your weekend

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Cat ownership

by Salamander In reply to That's great thanks!

In my experience, cat ownership usually means being owned by the cat, not the other way around.

When I went off for a trip recently and left mine with a sitter, they were flabbergasted to discover that I was not the only human on the planet who could operate a can opener. They were a little betrayed to learn that the cat sitter also has that ability. I could just see the little gears in their heads turning, and I am sure that they now see me as expendable.

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The good cat butler

by mlandis In reply to Cat ownership

only opens tuna cans.

When our blended family (me with two kids, my husband and his cat, Moses) first started our lives together, my son was only 4. Moses was not happy with the cat butler's attentions being taken away from the center of the universe - himself. The kids had not lived with a cat since they were babies. When my son was barely a year old, and my daughter was about 3.5 my old cat, a sweet-tempered animal, died. Nothing like this current creature at all.

Moses was constantly hissing at the kids. Notwithstanding, the kids would try to persuade the cat to like them anyway. For weeks there was tears, scratches, yelps, hissing, and howls on both sides of this domestic battlefield. The kids insisted on their attempts to pet Moses, who didn't want his butler's attention divided at all. Sharing is not a cat's best talent.

One afternoon, my son had cornered Moses and was trying to pet him. The cat started the usual hissing and spitting - his fur was puffed up and flung out in all directions. My son who had been scratched before was well prepared for this predictable reaction and, unbeknownst to me, had pilfered a can of hairspray from the bathroom. This was war. Before I could intervene in this newest weapon development, the hairspray was deployed toward the cat's face, stiffening all of Moses' puffed hair in its path. Moses looked like a punk rocker for a few days.

While Moses will never be a cuddlesome cat, there seems to be an uneasy truce between him and the kids over last few months or so. I guess there is a vast difference between a 4 year old and a 9 year old. I am not sure if the previous sentence is better applied to our son, or the cat.

Maureen

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Hmmm...

by Salamander In reply to The good cat butler

Cats and kids can be dicey. Mine are terrified of children. And they are leery of hairspray, and give it a wide berth.

However, there are exceptions to every rule...my mother has some really odd pictures of me as an infant. Sleeping in my crib, snuggled up with me, is a large yellow tomcat. According to her, Sam adored me, and I slept soundly as long as he was in the crib. My old world grandmother was convinced that the cat was going to "steal my breath," and had a fit about my sleeping arrangements. As I still have my breath intact, I can directly debunk that old wives' tale!

I just think that it goes to prove that they can identify their species' "butlers" at an early age.

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I love that one Maureen

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to The good cat butler

I can not stop laughing.

Now that you have the lead singer of the "Cat Pistols" are you working on the rest of the group?

Col

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Feline toilet bowl cleaner

by Oz_Media In reply to I love that one Maureen

I always like the toilet bowl cleaner idea.

Just thow the cat in the toilet and slam the lid, flush and run. Your bowl will be sparkly clean in no time.

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Oz you remember that one

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I love that one Maureen

I've just looked it up again.

Apparently I've upset a few people read that as cat lovers who I've sent it to but when I pointed out the ending they started laughing.

But you have to prepare for the toilet bowl cleaning. First you have to add some cleaning agents then apply the cat flush it several times while sitting or leaving a great weight upon the lid and then after everything is thought to be nice and sparkling clean you have to prepare an exit route out of the house for the by now very wet cat and make sure that there are no obstacles in the way to impede the cats progress. At least that is how the dog described it to me.

Col

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