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Friday Yuk ( cause oz is asleep

By Jaqui ·
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer good:

On a Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be...how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's "just" a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (!!!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late, you lose!)

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment).

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!!)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. (Or pets. What's for dinner?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Hmmmmm, now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts. (no comment).

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (What is going on here?)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (As if you try to stop "anything" with your genitals. Maybe it's endorsed by Lorena Bobbit).

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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My fave

by Jessie In reply to Friday Yuk ( cause oz is ...

Is on the can of Cheez I picked up for a party at work... "For best results, remove cap."

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or the absolute funniest

by Jaqui In reply to My fave

pop the hood of your car and read the warning on the cover for the fan.

it's along the lines of the swedish chainsaw warning.

but there's one that really needs to be put on products..
on all linux manuals / guides:
WARNING Reading this will result in brain functions actually working.

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viruse alert

by jdclyde In reply to or the absolute funniest

AOL Virus and Memory IQ Hoax

It has been brought to my attention that there's an insidious new computer virus which has already affected close to 30 million computers.

Even though I'm running the latest McAfee and Norton viri scans, neither have picked up this virus as it's a mutating virus which isn't set to go off until Friday, June 8, 2001.

As many viri are, this one is transmitted by email. I'm required by law to contact everyone that has received email from me in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS BEFORE IT BECOMES EFFECTIVE:


** Click your start button.
** Click on "Find".
** Click on Files / Folders.
** Change the "look in" input box to "My Computer".
** The named input file should have: AOL.EXE

Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button.

Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JUNE 8 WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR "UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT" MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!

DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY.

BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR END.

TECHNICAL NOTE: YOU **MUST** EXPLAIN TO THE OPERATOR YOU'RE ATTEMPTING TO DEACTIVATE THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT OFFICE YOU'RE TALKING TO IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONALLY EMBARRASSED BY UNLEASHING THIS VIRUS ON THE WORLD AND WILL DELAY DEACTIVATING IT. FOR LEGAL REASONS, THEY MAY EVEN *DENY* THE EXISTENCE OF THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. DON'T FALL FOR THEIR STORY!

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the downfall of cut and paste

by jck In reply to viruse alert

"...which isn't set to go off until Friday, June 8, 2001."

You mean...I've had this thing for 4 years????????

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it fit

by jdclyde In reply to the downfall of cut and p ...

"but there's one that really needs to be put on products..
on all linux manuals / guides:
WARNING Reading this will result in brain functions actually working."

I didn't want to edit it because everyone KNOWS that it isn't new. It was great at the time, all the people that got their virus alert from a joke of the day site and pooched their AOL! Too funny.

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I know...

by jck In reply to it fit

I wasn't meaning to be mean...just thought it funny. sorry.

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Now it's time to

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I know...

Extend your hands to have your wrists slapped for being a Naughty Little Boy.

Col ]:)

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55 Country Western Song Titles

by sleepin'dawg In reply to or the absolute funniest

All-Time Best Country Song Titles


? Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

? Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

? She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

? Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

? I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up

? If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl

? She's Actin' Single I'm Drinkin' Doubles

? I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

? If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd **** It All On You

? Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?

? She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas

? If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

? Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You

? They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out


? If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It

? You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

? I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me

? Did I Shave my Legs for This?

? I'm The Only **** Mama Ever Raised

? If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will

? Hold On To Your Men Cause She's Single Again

? She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

? You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation

? You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

? I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You


? She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

? At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump

? Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, Because I'm Kissing You Goodbye

? She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

? If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

? When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

? I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

? I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger

? I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

? Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In

? How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A
Liar All My Life?

? My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking
My Heart

? I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby
I Can See Through You

? You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life

? I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

? I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart

? Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed

? Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns

? I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

? You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch

? My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

? If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure

? Make Me Late For Work Today

? How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

? I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

? All I Want From You (Is Away)

? I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

? If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

? Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You

? How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

Dawg

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Even funnier still

by Oz_Media In reply to or the absolute funniest

I have worked on HUNDREDS of older cars and the fan shroud is almost never there. You don't get the yellow sticker on the plastic shield and I almost ALWAYS get a knuckle, elbow and even my cheek smacked by the damn fan blades. Sometimes you just gotta get your ear right in there to hear whats going on.

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Well one time I didn't even get the Bonnet open

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Even funnier still

When a fan blade punched a hole through the bonnet and then proceeded to embed itself in one of the roof beams. :)

God it looked good stuck in there and the hole that it punched in the bonnet was pretty impressive as well.

Luckily no one was leaning over that part of the car when it happened as they would not have had the chance to read the warning label and died as a result.

Now I wonder if they would have been covered by Work Cover in that case? After all they didn't follow the safety directions so maybe they deserved what they got. About a week latter one of the old mechanics dropped in for a chat and his left eye was gone and there was a very nasty scar all around that part of his face apparently the same thing had happened to him but he wasn't quite as lucky as I had been. But my excuse is that an apprentice was driving the car so I wasn't getting anywhere near it until he had it stopped and was doing exactly as told by me. :)

It only came in for a misfire and it went out needing several hundred $ worth of body work repairs and I put back on the original type fan instead of the performance one that had been fitted the previous week by the owner. What can I say I wasn't having anything at all to do with those so called performance units after that.

Col ]:)

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