Many Blonde Jokes
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a
blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men.
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fu*ked.
Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry
worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry.
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She thought she'd given her last blowjob.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a of cunning runts.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodle-doooo", while a
blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression on her forehead.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
A3: Neither did she.
Q. How can you tell that a blondes having a bad day.
A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You wouldn't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blondes date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits"
Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A2: To keep her neck warm
Q: What does a blonde look like after sex?
A: I don't know I am already gone.
Q: What does an airplane and a blonde have in common?
A: They both have a cockpit
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.
Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way.
Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she's ready to blow.
Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and they
don't mind if you bring friends.
Q: Why are blondes like TVs?
A: Any three year old can turn them on.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast has fewer crabs.
Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.
Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blondes favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so shallow, a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to
death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it
in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell Porsche.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going
to work or coming home.
Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?
A: Trying to put batteries in it.
Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking.
A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."
Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse?
A: So she won't shit on the street during a parade.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Hide her hairbrush.
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde going to leave?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home"
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier..."
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the
door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up
to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take
their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are
popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting,
"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show
up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51
days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the
table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the
table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51
days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks
over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle
of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the
bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and
celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks
that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set
the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and
put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it
together in 51 days!"
A man entered the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls and sat
down next
to a blond. The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his
bulging
pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf
balls."
The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked,
"Does it
hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just
skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to
her Walkman.
She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the
first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I
need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit
down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If
I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a
haircut," replies the hairdresser.
So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the
board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the
hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my
headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little
weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits
down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't
looking, rips the headphones off her head.
Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face,
then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The
hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over
and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...
"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."
A blond gets tired of it all and dyes her hair. She's now a brunette
and feels *much* smarter. Everyone tells her she's smarter. So she
goes for a drive in the country one day and stops in a lane which is
blocked by a herd of sheep. She gets out, talks to the farmer and
says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
He looks perplexed but says, "Sure."
So she says, " Uh....157?"
He says, "My God, that's correct. Take a sheep. "
So she wanders among the herd. She likes this one and that one and
finally is very attracted to one that wags its tail and likes her.
She picks it up and puts in it the car.
The farmer says, "Can I make a deal with you?"
"Sure, " says she.
He says, "If I can guess what color your hair really is, can I have
my dog back?"
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang
.It was her
husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the news that
there's
a car going the wrong way on the I95. Please be careful!" "It's not
just one
car!" said the blonde, "There's fu*king hundreds of them!"
