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Humourous help required

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by Member 32432960

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I am in the situation where all of my SAN storage space is being eaten up so fast that the system will explode in about March this new year. I can't act directly as the IT is outsourced to the company for which I work so it isn't my system. Their IS Management have been warned by me repeatedly since last January and have done nothing. Just to relieve my frustration, I want to write a paper titled "Disk Space Management" using humour.

They are a Windows/Exchange house (turns and spits) and used to be NetWare/GroupWise and the OS change is the main reason for the trouble.

Early thoughts:

Set all desktops to 740 x 480
Insist that all emails and documents are saved in 6 point.
Selective cull of users. Canadian seal-hunters gave me that idea.

Any help appreciated!

Neil

36 replies

by dafe2

And not far from the seal hunt myself;

The desktop should include 16 colors only

All servers should have 3GL screensavers setup

All switches should be set to 10MPS

All switch ports should be locked out if no data moves through them in 8 hrs

User mailboxes should be set to 5meg and server storage quotas set to 10meg

by dafe2

But it's more fun to do it manually.

There's no GPO that I've seen, however we used the ferret. It will cull unused computer and user accounts ammong other things such as moving or deleting home folders and mailboxes.

http://www.anixis.com/products/uaf/default.htm

We've also used it win 2K3 Domains as well.

by dafe2

Cardboard....bummer

There is a GPO that could reconfigure keyboards to the language of YOUR choice........And (we) could start a funky rumour about Celine Dion at the same time here......mmmm has possibilities for you.

by deepsand

In no particular order of preference:

1) Save 7 low order bits only (ASCII 7).
2) Remove all vowels.
3) Compute & save message digest hash only.
4) Randomly purge data based on critera of choice.
5) Allow users to use text based browsers only.
6) Allow users to run DOS apps only.
7) Convert storage space to giant 2-dimensional bit map, & compress the resulting image.

Non carborundum illegitimatae.

by deepsand

Then, you can omit the 'silent' characters, which serve only to modify the pronunciation of consonants!

by Member 32432960

I need a script that will kill, hide the body and delete all files and mail for users who bring laptops to meetings just to pose.

It might help that the Thames runs past the front of the building

Anyone out there help?

by deepsand

I neglected to inform as to the delivery vector.

1) Encapsulate the QBH in negative energy;
2) Attach said payload to an ordinary spam e-mail; and
3) Transmit via PPQTP (Point-to-Point Quantum Tunneling Protocol.)

by Member 32432960

I don't think there a utility that will do what *I* want.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Swirls cloak menacingly across eyes...

:-)

by dafe2

Did you not want to remove users?

I'm being too serious aren't I ;-)

by Member 32432960

Yes! I really do want to remove users. I want the idiot who has 10,000 items in his "Deleted" mail and 15,000 items in his Inbox and then complains about the speed of the mail system to die. I want the IS Director who refuses to set mail quotas because he is frightened of this user to die, horribly and slowly. But that won't happen - will it?

I just want to relieve the frustration felt by me and my colleagues by writing a spoof paper. I may then circulate it - without author name - to the client's IS Management.

by oz_media

*Go monochrome on all monitors
*Instead of using graphics and logos in documents, have users use keystroke drawings instead, such as;
(.)(.) but I guess that depends on the document.
*Require all backups be able to fit on floppy disk
*Explain that early predictions were right and recommend all desktops be swapped out for 386's because that's all they'll ever need
*Recommend using paper and pen more often to improve the handwriting quality of UK citizens as it is now a lost art that is in high demand
*Reccommend swapping out desktops for removable FLASH jump drives and a single shared computer.

But more than anything, post a wanted poster for the idiot who switched you to MS to begin with.

That's what happens when people jump on the MS bandwagon. "Hey, Jim and Joe BOTH say it's great, and they are BOTH Microsoft Certified System Enginneers, they MUST know better!!"

by house

Keystroke drawings are a lost art. I miss those things.

Bring back the ASCII art.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
O`OOO`OOO```OOO`OOOO`OO`````OOO`````O
O`OOO`OO`OOO`OO`OOOO`OO`OOOOOO`OOOO
O``````OO`OOO`OO`OOOO`OOO```OOO````OO
O`OOO`OO`OOO`OO`OOOo`OOOOOO`OO`OOOO
O`OOO`OOO```OOOO````o`OO`````OOO`````O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Representin' the scene at TR.

by house

c:\temp arj x -v -y house.arj c:\temp

extracting to c:\temp\house.nfo
...........
...........
0 error(s)

type house.nfo |more

You're welcome. I knew that somebody would eventually understand the joke. Those were the days.

by deepsand

Nobody can bring pressure to bear like accountants can. Enlist their aid, by proposing various cost cutting measure.

Many of the suggestions already posted here will easily fit the bill. Concentrate primarily on hardware & support costs.

For example:
1) Use Etch-a-Sketch pads for all graphic input;
2) Use paper tape for all textual input/output;
3) Use cheap black & white TVs for graphic output;
4) Use user powered generators as power sources.

by Member 32432960

According to Hawking, Quantum Black Holes decay time is based on size so I can't be sure that spamming the users will get the timing right as they might decay before they open the email unless I can wrap them in a stasis field. I need to keep the QBHs very small and personal. Sucking the entire 4th floor into oblivion would solve my diskspace problem but might just give the game away.

I need to deliver the QBH as the user logs in so it's probably going to have to be vbscript though I'm worried that MS' stasis field object is a bit wobbly.

PPQTP is spot on, though, and our Networks Team have already agreed to open the firewall.

Any thoughts about using Wormholes? Damn Microsoft! This would have been so easy now NetWare's gone Linux.

by deepsand

The creation of a stable wormhole would require several orders of magnitude of negative energy greater than that required to encapsulate a QBH.

As for the decay rate of the QBH, the presence of the negative energy capsule at the event horizon will block both the inflow of positive matter/energy as well as the outflow of any decay matter/energy, thus effectively creating a stasis field. Ergo, no additional stasis measures are required.

Let me know how this works out. There was this bully in high school ...

by dafe2

Tap into the server room power feeds & solder a live feed to the base of the office chairs.

What's the problem?

by dafe2

solves disc issues. (Use the 30Amp twist locks for extra crispy)

Also a good technique for incompetent techs too!

aaaarrrgh

by dafe2

heheh Your a Canadian at heart Monsieur. A good sauce will look after the taste.

30 Amp Twistlock it is! :-)

by dafe2

Considering the Season.......Don't forget to check it twice & separate the naughty & nice.........wouldn't want to unnecessarily waste electrons on good folks.

Great sense of humour Neil, Happy New Year
to you,

DAFE2

by deepsand

Remember, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

Sometimes you just have to grab for the brass ring.

by mlandis

It has come to the attention of management that you have too much in your box. Your box is overflowing and uncontrollable, so that no mail can come in or be pulled out of your box causing the mail to come elsewhere.

This problem will lead to a systemic failure known in the IT field as "Stressed Box" and may even cause a hardware failure that can only be eased by extreme lubrication of the mail box server - and even then, it would be hard to know if the box spasms indicate success or further distress. It would be best, if this procedure must be used, to turn off your system's speakers as there have been occasions where howling noises emanate through the PC speakers. This causes most of the male co-workers in the affected department to need to use the stalls in the men's rooms, and we simply haven't enough stalls should anything of that nature arise.

Before the most drastic steps are taken, please clean out your box immediately, and we will then do a mail check to verify that the mail can come in your box again.

Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.

Management

by oz_media

Being PC doesn't work here ! LOL :D

And would it not be a 'female, box server'?

Sorry but YOU started it.....AGAIN! :p

by mlandis

It was just to give Neil something to tinker with and to give him a laugh. It's so frustrating tobe dealing with that kind of co-worker situation.

Later,

Maureen

by deepsand

Feel free to use my alias.

With my friends in the "agency" & other low places, your safety is guaranteed.

by oz_media

These discussions are often like a box of cereal, you have to dump out the cereal to get to the fun surprise at the bottom of the box.

Wading through the crap for a week or so and then seeing a post from you, Colin and a few others, indicates a welcome chuckle worth pouring a drink to enjoy.

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