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I am the Tech Man - maybe humor

By dbreeden ·
I wanted to write a new resume. As always, it degenerated into my usual drivel, but I thought you might find it humerous. The question is, would you hire me.
Mike Breeden
Head Bottle Washer
My Resume

Who am I? I'm the Tech Man. I build it all for you.
My first PC came with only a floppy.
I was there when Jugi Tandon was making the first 5 Meg Hard Drives in Chatsworth and then the 10 Meg Winchester.
I was there in the Silicon Valley when it grew.
I was there to build Apple, Maxtor, Tandem, Ampex, Seagate, Future Domain and others.

I've been hit by 220 volts when putting together the Apple Building in Milpitas
and I've been gaffed by CPU pins while doing PC testing at XXCAL in Santa Monica.
You could say I've had close relations with hardware.

Hardware is my friend, but I didn't neglect software.
I wrote my first c programs on a CPM machine and then sent my them to a PDP machine at JPL to be compiled. Was it THAT PDP machine? I don't know.
I programmed the Windows API... for OS2. I liked ATT Unix better than SCO XENIX 286.
I learned C++ and grocked the Tau of OOPs. Then I networked it all.
In 5 years, I architected, designed and wrote two Enterprise class software projects in San Diego.
I was a follower of Bjorn Heisner at Borland. He made the Builder from COM. He built Microsoft .NET from COM as well, so I followed him to that vision.
I first learned VB.NET to do something that was not not C. Then ASP for where computers be. XML, well XML.
I have other essential IT skills.
I keep my tongue still.
I can beg and flatter until tech support will help me with any problem or else I just wear them down.
I can understand your business.
I'm the Tech Man. What does that mean? Am I who you need?
Here I sit in my domain polluted with electronic radiation and fan sounds, doing my job,
but I am not here to tune or maintain your system. I am here for surgery.
Your system is old. You know it's day is past. Trouble is coming. We're doing a transplant
in your company and I am the lead surgeon. Approach me with fear, not of
me, but of the already existing calamity that I come to remedy. Yet there is
hope too. If all goes well and as expected, you will come out of this
much stronger than before and better able to handle demands that already
press upon you. The potential is everything you desire, but you know, statistically many
projects fail. Be nice to me. It's
not my pain.

Can you bare not just the fear of what deep trouble my mistake could mean
to your company, but also the ride with me on the emotional rollercoaster
of progress, frustration and inspiration. I'm painfully intense. It comes
with the job. Our communication is essential to success, but then you will
catch my feelings.

Dealing with me as a boss can be really fun. I'm pleasant and willing to make
your desires practical. I am a great tool and a great communicator, but I will
not lay your fears to rest. In between my successful procedures and episodes
of useful creativity or analysis, I am not thinking in terms of mastery. I know
I am up against a huge challenge, the siblings of which have defeated many a
good Tech. My strength is not in arrogance, it is in caution and endurance.
The journey itself is into the unknown on a path filled with unpredictable problems.
The path is not foreseeable, but I must believe I can overcome all possible obsticales or
find a path around them.
If I am truely stopped at any one point, my project is in jeopordy and I lose
for that one mistake, while my opponent seems to have endless opportunity to
throw up problem after problem to bar my way. Endurence and cleverness I can
bring to this, but caution is another thing. It is all needed, but for victory
to be a true success, there is more required. Sometimes boldness is what is
needed. Damn the electrons, full speed ahead! If we ****, I can pick up the
pieces for you some way or another. I try to be comforting.
You can tell me where you want to go and I can take you there, but can you
make the journey? Will your confidence hold. Don't expect much help from me.
I'm not inspiring except when I'm manic. From the outside, my lack of arrogance
looks like lack of confidence. This acceptance of unsurity and blunt endurance
in the face of each trial in my task is that of one who is not confident of
winning. It does not offer my boss a fig leaf of emotional comfort. My successes
may offer an intellectual confidence, but that does not offer much feeling of

I have learned much, not from confidence, but from a conciously maintained
feeling of inadaquacy. Only through that can I succeed in forcing myself to
improve and to never be fooled into complacency. I can bring to you wonderful
methods, knowledge and disciplines that I have learned to achieve my goals,
but I also bring an uncomfortable, achieved, insecurity that you will well
feel. If I talk to you, there is a better than 50-50 chance that I will inadvertantly,
but intentionally convince you that I am a confused nitwit. It's just what I do.
Don't believe it, but then, that's hard. Frequent vacations are recommended for
you. I'm obcessed, so it doesn't matter for me.

I can do wonders for you, because my skills are developed for my own goals
which are far more demanding than yours.
I am not always a comfortable person to work with. I am always happy and
humorous, to the point that it is obvious that there must be more that is
hidden behind that, but what. What needs to be hidden? I have an intensity
of energy that can burn people and can only be safely vented through humor.
That energy is used to doggedly persue the obcession of my own goals that
you do not know, the lessons and skills of which allow me to gracefully do
the task you need done. Still, no matter the realness of the smile and the
humor, that energy cannot be hidden and that big unknown has driven many
beyond their comfort.
Work a good day with me and you will be tired.

I'm obviously a thrill junky or I wouldn't keep finding myself doing this kind
of stuff, but I have to wonder about my poor boss's. It's a wild ride for the
both of us, but I'm getting used to this. I don't think that they ever do. The
truely amazing thing is how well it all seems to work. Every patient I have
touched is fine, but the procedures can be pretty scary, especially when I
smile. I can solve your problem, but only if it is tough.

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