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I'll start a Friday Yuk this time

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Perhaps I will not offend some people and get a perfectly acceptable thread pulled. But if you are offended by the TRUTH do not read Number 28!

Odd but true facts.

1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.

2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is
enough to kill a small sized dog.

8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.

10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!

16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know
you're there.

18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

20. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia
combined.

22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.

26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.

27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321.

28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.

31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".

35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".

37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.

38. European women didn't wear underwear until the 1900's.

39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.

40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.

41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.

42. Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year.

43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.

44. Blue is the favourite colour of 80 percent of Americans.

45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka.

46. There are more chickens than people in the world.

47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.

48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.

49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "subcontinental".

50. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

51. Beethoven poured ice water over his head before he composed.

52. In Pakistan, it's rude to show your feet.

Col

63 replies

by maecuff

That was a lot of information. My brain is full. I think I should just go home NOW.

by hal 9000

Hard Drive space?

A few years back after I was given a general anesthetic in the recovery room they thought that they had an adverse medical outcome as I was incoherent and only responding with words something like "I have a pain in my D Drive!"

While I have absolutely no memory of this my wife takes great pleasure in relating the story at every opportunity to anyone who will listen. She then goes on to say I'm so totally involved in computers that I have no room in my life for anything else.

But I would have liked to see the faces of the people who where trying to get me to make sense.

Col

by oz_media

Whlie some of these I know are fairly common knowledge, others are trely myths ( I watched myth busters a few times too cool show).

As for unconcious blabber, when I first came out of my coma I didn't know anything for the first day nor do I remember even being concious.

While I had an accident in front of Richmond hospital after dropping a friend off in Vancouver, I was certain I had driven off a bridge and Santa Clause had drowned. I was elated when my brother walked in the room because I thought he was Santa and I hadn't killed him after all.

Such video's are kept by my brother for later burns, he also has picture of me dressed up as a ballerina when I was 8 for a Haloween kids party (posing as my sister) and other VERY incriminating evidence he likes to bring up if I visit with a new grifriend.

I think stuff like that is truly hilarious, I just wish he wasn't 8 years older than me, maybe I'd have a few on him.

by oz_media

A really good friend of mine has his own ad agency Dog and Pony Advertising and his knickname is Chicken.

For years we have been sending him chicken jokes and pretty much anything CHICKEN available.

This is fantastic ! Great find, thanx.

by jdclyde

If you swear at him he chastizes you.

Did just about everything else I could think about, including rolling over.

Glad I could pass on some cheer Oz.

by jardinier

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

by jardinier

Actually, Col, my last dog was a chocaholic.

She would have eaten as much as I would allow her, but she definitely ate 2 - 3 ounces a day.

She had to be put down at a normal age for a dog (12 - 13 years) because she went deaf and blind.

[But then maybe she secretly masturbated]

by hal 9000

That Chocolate is bad for them as they believe that all the chocolate in the world is legally theirs by right of the fact that they can remove the wrappers and eat the chocolate!

Incidental I know that from personal experience.

Col

by sleepin'dawg

I've got one that'll scoff it down wrapper and all(a 200gr bar) the other is a little pickier and will eventualy spit the wrapper out. Either way it doesn't seem to bother them. Try hiding the chocolate??? Do you have any idea how tall a Deerhound is on its hind legs??? Oh yeah, mine love beer and chips or do you Aussies call them crispd like the English; in fact they'll eat just about anything. Answer the phone and find your pint and a 300gr bag of chips have disappeared and the dogs sit there and belch. It would have been funny if it hadn't been the last beer in the house. I just hope they don't develop a taste for the hard stuff. You wouldn't belief how a dog with a hangover behaves.

by oz_media

Still laughing from the subserviant chicken!

Chocolate actually contains theobromine which is VERY toxic to dogs. Are you sure it was a dog you walked and fed, not a roo? :D

by jamesrl

Another thing you can check on snopes.com.

The amount of theobromine varies widely. In same cases it would take pounds of chocolate to injure a dog. If I recall correctly, dark chocolate has more than milk chocolate.

James

by proud member of vast right wing majority

How about this:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE

I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE

And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS

Did I miss one?

by hal 9000

Great week end.

As far as Dr Seuss goes I thought that there would be a reference to "Green Eggs and Ham!"

Col

by optionmeister

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look any different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??.....ouch)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(This is definitely much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the whole
wide world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner whatever.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff anyway?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Maybe that is why Flipper always seemed to be smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmm....I don't think I'll touch THAT one!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...? -- Does the govt. pay for this type of
research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez. Gives new meaning to toe jam.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know people like that too)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(That must explain their bad breath. Who does research on this stuff????)

by hal 9000

That women who swallow seamen after giving blow jobs are less prone to depression. Apparently it has something to do with the chemicals in the seamen giving them an uplifting experience.

Well it may or may not be correct but what I'd love to know is exactly who makes funds available for this type of research?

The reason given in New Scientist was that they where trying to control or decrease the rates of depression in Lesbians. Sorry but that was just something that I couldn't get my head around at all.

Col

by oz_media

If I can help them discover a way to reduce depression in women, I am more than willing to 'stand up' and do my part to help.

by jardinier

I think the word you mean is "semen."

Now I know they always say that girls fancy sailors, but swallow them? That's a new one to me.

[And if anyone reads another meaning into the phrase "swallow them," then you are a disgusting pervert and should not be allowed to participate in TR discussions.]

by optionmeister

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the
people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to
one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they
all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

by optionmeister

Why Do Men Die First??

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries ...... but, now
we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay..this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off
your lazy butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her....that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you.....it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.

If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.

If SHE asks you..........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a
pervert.

If you don't.............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape......you're
sexist.

If you don't................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't...............you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers............you're after something.

If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements.........you're full of yourself.

If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to. Hell; they need to!!!

by hal 9000

I was greeted with "What have you done wrong now?"

That was the last time that I've ever considered doing it particularly as I had to make something up to keep her happy and then wear the complaints about doing what I had not done in the first place.

Col

by jardinier

she was a life-long friend from my days as a journalist on the Sydney Morning Herald (she was an artist.)

I think her husband thought I had ulterior motives. In future I will think twice before giving flowers to ANY woman.

by jardinier

It is my ongoing theory/experience that men are innately more intellectually honest than women.

Thus men sweat over important issues like what is going on in the world, whilst women are strongly inclined to evade thinking about such things.

Additionally, as people enter middle age, the most demanding task for a woman (raising kids) is pretty much over, so she can slow down, relax and concentrate on her own life.

However the man on the other hand will have risen to a more responsible and demanding job in his chosen profession. And the older he gets, the more he has to fear being made redundant and replaced by a much younger person.

I guess my Mum won't mind me sharing the following with you.

She had a marvellous system of self-survival. Anything that was unpleasant just didn't exist for her.

She considered that men were automatically at fault in any conflict with a woman -- the exceptions being her father, her two brothers and Jesus.

My mother didn't believe in demons -- that was in the category of too nasty to acknowledge.

So when I pointed out that Jesus had driven the demons out of a man and transferred them to an animal, Jesus got dropped of the list of faultless men.

My father died from a heart attack at age 67 -- my Mum is still hanging in there at age 94.

Hmmmmm .....

by optionmeister

Interview With A Farmer

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow
Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
asked the reporter.

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" stated the
farmer.

"Umm, sir, that is new information to me, but what's the relationship
between this and Mad Cow?"questioned the reporter.

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" added the farmer.

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" demanded the
reporter.

The farmer replied, "Lady, the point is this: if I played with your tits
twice a day, but only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

What A Bull

A man and his wife were going to a costume party at a rural mansion. Just
in sight of the mansion, the car broke down. They decided to walk.

Since the shortest distance was across a pasture and they were going as a
cow, they decided on the short cut. About halfway across the pasture, they
ran into a bull that became very "interested." The husband, who was in the
back, said, "What shall we do now?"

The wife, who was in front, said, "I'm going to put my head down and make
believe I'm eating grass. You had better brace yourself."

Before Viagra

A rancher in Argentina, way before the existence of Viagra, had a prize
Charolais bull that stopped performing. The rancher went to a local
veterinarian, who gave him some pills to give to the bull.

Results were astonishing: the bull pursued and mounted every receptive cow
he could find, and several times a day. After four months, the bull again
stopped breeding. Since the old veterinarian had moved away, the rancher
went to a new vet.

He tried to describe the pills, but could not remember the brand. "Can you
remember anything at all about those pills?" asked the vet.

"No," replied the rancher, "but they did taste like almonds."

New Bull

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring
yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion
among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5years. Once we
settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine.
Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I
aint' giving' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3
years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll
fight'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let
me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows
(yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in
the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he
took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt
I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our
new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on
the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for
an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find
him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting-the bull's equivalent
of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay
away from my Woman, Vato!!

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure
he knows I'M a bull!"

Milk Machine

A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he
wants to buy a milking machine.

"Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the salesman. "How many cows will
you be milking?"

"Just one," says the farmer.

"Oh," says the salesman. "Well, sir, I really wouldn't recommend a milking
machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it
would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards."

"I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or
not?" the farmer replies indignantly.

"Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want. Just making sure,
that's all," says the salesman.

The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks
one out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want
the machine even though he only has one cow. After he's rung up the sale,
the salesman's curiosity gets the best of him. "Sir, if you don't mind my
asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after
all I've said?"

"Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago.The first
time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left
foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side
and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried
milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day,
being fed up,I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right
leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter. Now if you
can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won't
need this milking machine."

Servicing

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money
from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by aweek later to see
how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats
grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a
veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer
looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the
fence,and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

?I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

PMS
Why is premenstrual syndrome always called PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease had already been taken!

by sleepin'dawg

One afternoon after a round of golf Joe and Gerry were changing in the locker room. Gerry looks over and sees Joe stuggling to get into a girdle. "Joe, say it isn't so. You haven't switched directions when I wasn't paying attention, have you?? Why are you wearing that girdle???"
"I'm wearing it for my bad back."
"Geez, sorry to hear that but I never knew you had a bad back. When did that start???"
"Right after my wife found it under the seat of my car."

by gaijinit

1. The farmer decided it was time to get a rooster for his hens, since the one he had was getting pretty old. He went into town and told the salesman at the livestock store what he needed.
The salesman showed him a fine young rooster and guaranteed it was as dedicated to taking care of the hens as possible.
The farmer took it home and released it into the barnyard, where it promptly jumped up on the fencepost and started crowing, announcing his presence to all the hens that he was 'open for business'.
The old rooster slowly came out of the chicken coop and walked up to the young rooster to talk to him.
"I'm glad you came. To be honest, I'm getting pretty old and welcome the idea of someone else 'doing the duties' around here. But I have to put up a good show of stepping aside, I have my pride you know."
"Okay, I'll fight you, and the winner gets the ladies", said the newcomer.
"I'm too old for that, but I tell you what, how about we race around the barn two times, and the winner gets the ladies. You're much younger and stronger than me, so you will win easily and I get to hold my head up around the farm."
"Sounds goood to me", said the youngster, "and just to show you I'm a good sport, I'll give you a healthy head start to make it more fair."
So they got ready, and the old rooster started running. The youngster waited until the oldster had a very healthy lead, then started running after him.
As they started around the barn for the second lap, the farmer came out of the house with his shotgun, and shot the young rooster dead on the spot. "Dammit," he said. "That's the 3rd gay rooster that guy sold me this month."

2. The same farmer finally got a good rooster to do the job. He turned him loose in the barnyard, and the rooster promptly ran down and serviced every hen on the farm. Then he started in with the goats, followed by the pigs, the geese, the cows, and every animal on the farm.
The farmer watched all this with amazement. Just as the rooster finished with the last cow, he fell over stone dead in the barnyard. The farmer walked over and stood looking down at the dead rooster. "Stupid bird, he screwed himself to death the first day on the job."
The dead rooster opened one eye just a bit, looked at the farmer, and said, "Shhhh...you see that buzzard up there?"

Excellent thread!! Anyone taking offense at any of this needs to get into a less stressful profession.

by oz_media

Good post! I had heard part 2 a long time ago (scouts or something) but part 1 was new, either way both made me chuckle. :D

The offensive issue was just a stupid rant, due to a joke last week that someone found offensive. Just when the thread was getting loaded with some 'questionable' jokes, it was yanked from TR. Not the first time, some people get easily offended here, it's a pretty mixed bunch.

by optionmeister

How to start each day with a positive outlook...

1. Open a new file on your PC.
2. Name it "John Kerry"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of John Kerry?"
6. Answer calmly, "yes," and press the mouse button firmly.
Don't you feel better now?

by arabella

I think that one's true -- maybe doctors recommend keeping your toothbrush 6 ft. away from the toilet. Here's something else that all the women in the world recommend: Close the lid on the toilet! Yes, a step beyond putting the seat down, but now we've got back-up.

by hal 9000

Called "The New Inventors" and one of the judges asked just why it had so far proved impossible to make an automatic lid opener and closer.

I suppose no man has as yet seen the need to invent something like that.

Col

by jardinier

A young lass who lived with me for two years had been taught by her mother to pee standing up (to avoid catching germs from public toilets).

So naturally there was no conflict between us regarding the position of the toilet seat.

by tomsal

The discovery show "The MythBusters" did an episode on the whole "toothbrush" getting "germs" on it through the air thing.

Believe it or not the results were pretty unsettling but even a toothbrush that was first sterlized clean and placed 20 FEET away from the nearest bathroom, when testing was done (they used a certified testing facility with a certified lab tech who did the test) it still revealed traces of fecal bacteria clinging to the toothbrush.

The conclusion was the bacteria is airborne and because of such you really can't escape it.

by hal 9000

A while ago when I was involved with "Sewing Machines" there was a very proper Queensland Agent who never had a bad word to say about anyone and always was the model of professionalism.

Well he had a birthday and his wife placed an add in the paper with him dresses up as a "Fairy" along with the wand wings and Toto with the heading "Would you buy a sewing machine from this man?" He has never lived that one down. Naturally I got a phone call from his wife telling me to have a look in the Personal Adds of that particular paper. I think she rang everyone that she knew from the business and the guys in the workshop had a copy of the original photo blown up to 30 X 40 inch on the wall for all to see. He incidental was not involved in the domestic side of things but in the industrial side where he sole computer controlled embroidery machines at something like .75 million $ AU each as a starting price. I on the other hand only worked with the microprocessor controlled Bernina's so I had to deal with everyone.

Col

by hal 9000

I had a great Dane puppy about 16 week old who I took over to my brother place for a visit and he was not allowed to have any pets on the premises. Well that was no big deal until the landlord turned up so we stuffed the Dane into the bedroom and the landlord actually sat down beside the bedroom door and place a glass of beer down beside him. Well the Dane just had to show his head out the door immediately saw the beer and drunk almost all of it leaving only a little in the bottom of the glass that he couldn't get out. After this happened about 10 times the landlord insisted that he had drunk far too much as he would have a mouthful out of the glass then put it down the puppy would then proceed to drink the rest and the look on the guys face the next time he picked up his glass was at the very best funny and it was very hard to keep a straight face as everyone in the room could see what was going on except the landlord.

When it comes to chocolate the Danes are a nightmare I can remember a time when I left a company and was given a very large box of Swiss chocolate and being goaded all the way home by the wife and kids I only allowed then one piece each and then closed the box and put it away.

Next morning the box was on the floor empty and the Dane was looking very pleased with himself naturally I got none my going away present so even though the wife and kids claimed that I was a "Tight Arse" they actually got more that I ever got to eat. I was reduced to smelling the empty box.

Actually the only time that that dog ever never noticed the presence of chocolate in the house was when one of the bitches was in season every other time he was on top of the box drooling no matter just how high I placed it. He was also capable of opening the fridge to get what he wanted so there was no place to hide anything.

Col

by hal 9000

Full of seamen and Brownian Bishop has said on National TV that she would be willing to go down on it anytime?

Answer A Collins Class Submarine!

And it isn't even a joke as she actually said it!

Col

by sleepin'dawg

A navel engagement without loss of semen!

The difference between like and love is the difference between spit and swallow.

by oz_media

IN addition to be extremely old, second is very sexist.

Not exactly acceptable material for a public forum.

by jardinier

It so happens, Col, that when I was a teenager, Bronwyn Bishop (maiden name Setright) was the local bike. So I guess she would be very experienced at going down on long, cylindrical objects filled with ....

With her as my partner, we won a jiving contest at a local dance.

Now if I hadn't been so NAIVE and IGNORANT I would have been able to boast that I had f****d a member of Howard's front bench.

by hal 9000

But at least I got a bite without anyone getting offended. My main problem is that I get a lot of pictures sent to me which I can not post here and the jokes that I do get to hear would defiantly upset at least one person here as they are neither politically correct or suitable for mixed company, that is probably why women tell me them!

Col

by sleepin'dawg

We already know where you are coming from and we each have our own opinions. Your time would be better spent looking out for your own faux pas than those of others unless of course OCD compels you to set yourself up as a public censor. If anyone was offended leave it to them to say so; you obviously were not otherwise knowing you, you would have posted one of your multi-page rants. I'll try to find fresher material next time, okay? You've got enough problems of your own before you should be worrying about mine or anybody elses.
One other thing; a few problems have come up necessitating some scheduling changes. When I have a better idea of when I'll be leaving here I'll post my ETA. DAWG

by oz_media

Just pointing out hypocrisy.

Yeah, I'll keep the truck warmed up for that 500km drive, sure thing. :D

by sleepin'dawg

WIFE
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions.

The first guy says "I `m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says, " I `m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I `m a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you? "

She replies: " I`m a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fu(k, Etc."

by arabella

And I SO hope that the lass' mom also taught her to raise public toilet seats before she peed.

by hal 9000

Her mother went to one of the Private Girls schools over here where the prime target is to glad wrap the bowl/pan so only the seat is above the glad wrap.

I'll leave it to your imagination what happens when one of the girls actually goes but my sister told me that it was a favorite past time at the school that she went to before she started attending Uni.

Col

by oz_media

In fact they say most milk chocolate is very low in theobromine.

Either way, a major ingredient in REAL cholcolate, made with cocoa butter, is theobrimone. Most of the garbage wannabe cholcolate (Hersheys, Neilsen etc.) isn't make with cocoa butter and is very low in theobromine.

REAL CHOCOLATE, not so much cheapo candy bars is VERY toxic and it is said as little as two or three teaspoons can kill most dogs.

My friend's dog ( a fair sized Rotty) went into seizures after eating half a Purdy's easter bunny. they got it to the vet and had its stomache pumped and it turned out okay. VERY expensive easter though, they keep it well out of the dog's reach now.

by gaijinit

This was supposed to be a FUNNY forum, and most of it is pretty darned good stuff.

Save the boxing gloves for somewhere else.

If you want to see a truly bizarro (and no, that is not spelled wrong) slant on today's world and what people do to each other, go to: http://www.8bm.com/

by wordworker

Let me get this straight- you're whining because the "black box" joke got pulled? Cut a bigger hole in the sheet dude, you aren't seeing the world clearly.

by hal 9000

Whining about anything and incidental I didn't place the "Black Box" one on the site either.

I just thought I'd give some others a break last week and start off one so that no more heavy rubbish would rain down upon certain people. But as it is now Friday here I'll have to start thinking about this weeks Yuk won't I?

Col

by oz_media

Don't forget to make it as sexist, rude, disgraceful and racist as you can, you sick twisted man!

I have just been swamped with a cutover and forgot it's even Thursday (on this half of the planet).

I wasn't sure who the last poster '.' was referring to so I didn't poke at it.

I figured the alias was evasive and noncomittal enough to ignore.

Got a scary joke for Halloween? No I don't mean a Bush relection, I think the world will be scared enough should that day occur.

by jardinier

I think it was in a Bazza Mackenzie movie that one fellow expressed the profundity of his love for a girl by declaring: "I would crawl over half a mile of broken glass just to hear her pee in a tin can."

And by the way guys, it is quite an awesome spectacle to see a woman pee standing up.

Possibly if your marriage has lost its zing, you might encourage your wife to perform this feat for you -- it might bring new life into your relationship.

[Yes, I know, I have a sick sense of humour]

by jdclyde

Finally...a Real Man's Chain Letter

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing
relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent.

Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.

This chain also brings good luck.

One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below:

Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Willem Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

by jdclyde

Priest and a Nun

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed.
I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very
cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's
pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own blanket!"

by house

If you don't mind a bit of spyware...install a stumble toolbar...you can configure it for random site stumbles. There is an option for "weird". I've landed on that chicken site with it before.

by oz_media

Appreciate the tip but I am WAY too picky for that stuff.

I speed test three times daily, it's kind of an infatuation after working with such high end connections,I demand the most from my own, it's a bit of a neurosis really. :D

by mlandis

51. Beethoven poured ice water over his head before he composed.

And how is that different from being rained on while decomposing?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Maureen

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