It's (Friday Yuk) Somewhere

36
have been accused of spousal abuse

7
have been arrested for fraud

19
have been accused of writing bad checks

117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3
have done time for assault

71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit

14
have been arrested on drug-related charges

8
have been arrested for shoplifting

21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and

84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year

Perhaps its the AFL (Australian football leauge, and not that panise footbal you yanks/europeans play) or maybe its the NRL (National rugby league)?
.
.
..
..
...
...
wait for it
....
....
.....
.....
......
......
Neither,
it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA.The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

And it is friday over here (almost the end of friday too).

The usual furry contribution... Everyone have a great weekend!

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

Quick Jokes

Household Tools For Dummies:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape.

------

GOOD OL' COUNTRY SLANG

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."

------

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

to not spell correctly all the time. Hmmm, is that good or is it bad??? :)

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are anarrged, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic."

Edited to fix things.

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes:

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, Someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the Morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr.slapped my Mother.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night

Tips For Getting The Most From Your I.T. Department.

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life,and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the I.T. Support, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an Email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/NT/ network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

24. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30mb movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

27. When an I.T. person gets in the lift pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

28. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out 200 miles away like to keep abreast of what's going on.

29. When you bump into an I.T. person at the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

"Veni, vidi, velcro".....
"I came, I saw, I stuck around"
or from SWMBO:
"Veni, vidi, Visa".....
"I came, I saw, I shopped"

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your
daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

semper ubi sub ubi
always wear underwear

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me Videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

Things you DON'T want to hear in the operating room!

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8. There go the lights again?

9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy's got two of 'em."

10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.

12. What's this doing here?

13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!

18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

22. What do you mean, "You want a divorce?!?"

23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

24. Oh-Oh! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."

"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"

"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."

"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"

"Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Got milk?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

No other text besides filenames :0

http://tinyurl.com/r9wup

http://tinyurl.com/p8h9x

http://tinyurl.com/mcmu5

http://tinyurl.com/rmp6b

http://tinyurl.com/hs554

http://tinyurl.com/epy2h