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  • #2175302

    Monday Mirth – New Element Discovered

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    by deepsand ·

    A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

    Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, and are surrounded by a vast cloud of lepton-like particles called peons.

    Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.

    However, it can be easily detected, as its presence impedes any and all reactions. A minute amount of Governmentium will cause a reaction that normally takes less than 1 second to complete, over 4 days to run to completion.

    Governmentium has a half-life of 3 years; however, it does not decay, but rather undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

    In fact, Govenmentium’s mass generally increases over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, thus forming even heavier isodopes.

    This characteristic of “moron promotion” leads some scientists to speculate that Govermentium is naturally formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the Critical Morass.

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    • #3322548

      Chuckle

      by bfilmfan ·

      In reply to Monday Mirth – New Element Discovered

      Not too bad at all

    • #3322542

      Canadian Morass at criticality

      by dafe2 ·

      In reply to Monday Mirth – New Element Discovered

      Includes more holes, with many wanabe peons lips pressed firmly against them.

      • #3322384

        More Canada bashing?

        by deepsand ·

        In reply to Canadian Morass at criticality

        I’m not clear on what it is you’re saying.

        Kindly elaborate.

        • #3322371

          hhhhmmmm

          by dafe2 ·

          In reply to More Canada bashing?

          Just an off the cuff comment…(Not nearly as CREATIVE as yours ;-)…….nice job.

          Canadian Parliment is made up of A-Holes with crapload of Lobbyist stuck to their asses…………….

          Now that I think about it: At least the States, during the Clinton years, at least he moved the females to the ‘front’ end. LOL

        • #3329070

          Yes, but, as I understand it, …

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to hhhhmmmm

          they were still beneath him.

        • #3342590

          So he had a human shield

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Yes, but, as I understand it, …

          Just in case some aggrieved man wanted to blow his private parts away because he used them on their wife/girlfriend. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3342253

          Depends on the weapon & the shooter’s skills.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to So he had a human shield

          With a .50 caliber, full jacketed slug, she’s dead & he’ll have no further need for any woman.

        • #3250843

          But at least he

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Depends on the weapon & the shooter’s skills.

          Would have a great story to tell about how it happened wouldn’t he? 🙂

          Col ]:)

        • #3250232

          Of course he would

          by dafe2 ·

          In reply to Depends on the weapon & the shooter’s skills.

          Have the evidence on her skirt to prove it too

    • #3322541

      New breakthrough

      by tony hopkinson ·

      In reply to Monday Mirth – New Element Discovered

      Govenmentium does have electrons, called the electorate, they are gradually lost through non spontaneous decay.

      As this point the element goes through a phase change, the ion attracts an enormous amount of negativity generating selectrons ( unproven conjecture due to the enormous energy requirements).
      Switches to one of it’s other istropic forms such as socialisticum and behaves much more rationally for a time before re-newing the decay cycle.

      The mechanisms for which isotropic form governmentium will take on after the phase change are as yet poorly understood.

    • #3322530

      More research needed

      by craig herberg ·

      In reply to Monday Mirth – New Element Discovered

      Perhaps we should appoint a committee to look into this matter. Dogbert could take the lead on this.

    • #3322483

      Old news

      by deadly ernest ·

      In reply to Monday Mirth – New Element Discovered

      I saw the first draft report of this about 45 years ago. It was a private researcher who discovered it, after he found the substance it took hime 4 days to ascertain the above details. However, such a major advance in basic physics require a full investigation and confirmation by a government laboratory. Their final report, a word for word copy of the original, was put forward after 3.5 years and only just approved for release last month.

      • #3322445

        So that means it will be

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Old news

        Publicly available in about 35 years right?

        Col ]:)

      • #3322408

        Well, assuming that the delay was due to …

        by deepsand ·

        In reply to Old news

        the presence of the element in question, given its property of acting as a retardent, might we not then consider the possibility that it may be useful with regards to extending the human life span?

        Assuming that such proves successful, what is your estimate of the time required to secure FDA approval?

        • #3322325

          my guestimate

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Well, assuming that the delay was due to …

          would be approximately 150 years.
          you know how slow government moves at the best of times, toss a retardent into the mix, give up all hope of seeing anything done

        • #3322308

          bleeding optomist

          by deadly ernest ·

          In reply to my guestimate

          150 years – you are an optomist, that is just to get the request lodged.

          Murphy’s law –

          “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”

          O’Shaunasey’s derivative –

          “Murphy was an optomist.”

        • #3329059

          An optomist?

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to bleeding optomist

          Is that someone with misty eyesight; or, one who treats such a malady?

        • #3250779

          spelling is not my strong point

          by deadly ernest ·

          In reply to An optomist?

          so sue me for typographical or spelling errors – I have nothing and you are welcome to as much of that nothing as you want.

        • #3250218

          ‘Twas in jest.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to spelling is not my strong point

          Now, please just take the ball & run with it.

          And, if you’ve the need, I’ll share my nothings with you.

        • #3250724

          I give you Jesse Helms and Robert Bird

          by bhunsinger ·

          In reply to Well, assuming that the delay was due to …

          Please- take them

        • #3250219

          Must I; I’d rather not.

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to I give you Jesse Helms and Robert Bird

          I was hoping to rid myself of some dead weight, not acquire more.

    • #3329302

      Excellent

      by salamander ·

      In reply to Monday Mirth – New Element Discovered

      I shall have to pass information on this scientific discovery on to those who can put it to good use…

      Several years ago, a policy wonk friend of mine had a T-shirt that said something to the effect of: “I’m from government, and I’m here to help.”

      Uh-huh.

      • #3329261

        Did he have

        by tony hopkinson ·

        In reply to Excellent

        Reality is for people who can’t face drugs, on the back of it ?

        • #3329247

          No, but…

          by salamander ·

          In reply to Did he have

          …that sounds like a very useful observation!

        • #3342591

          How about on the front

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to No, but…

          I’m from the Government and I’m here to help you and on the back it reads I’m going to totally screw up your life.

          Col ]:)

        • #3250922

          I like it…

          by salamander ·

          In reply to How about on the front

          …because it’s absolutely true! 😀

        • #3250842

          Yes it is

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I like it…

          Isn’t it? And people wonder just why I refuse to do any Government work now days. :p

          I’ve had my fill of bashing my head against a brick wall in an attempt to do things properly now I just leave it to someone else to not only screw up but attempt to fix up after the damage has been done. 😀

          Col ]:)

      • #3329068

        Oxymoron

        by deepsand ·

        In reply to Excellent

        When ever anyone says that to you, you know you’re in deep sh*it.

        • #3329052

          Can’t remember the name for that type

          by tony hopkinson ·

          In reply to Oxymoron

          phrase, have you ever heard anyone complain of being in shallow sh1t ?
          Tee Hee

          I’m from the government, BUT I’m here to help would stretch a rational person’s credulity after all.

      • #3250721

        3 biggest lies

        by bhunsinger ·

        In reply to Excellent

        Sure I’ll respect you in the morning
        I won’t c**** in you mouth,
        And I’m from the goverment and I’m here to help you

        • #3250217

          They c**** in Ohio?

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to 3 biggest lies

          Here on the East Coast, we just c**. (Except for the Bostonians; they c***.)

        • #3249965

          Definition of a pessimist!!!

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to They c**** in Ohio?

          A man who wakes up in the morning with his nose in his wife’s armpit and is afraid to open his eyes!!!

          Dawg

        • #3251051

          Well then, why not …

          by deepsand ·

          In reply to Definition of a pessimist!!!

          use the tongue?

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