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By jardinier ·
Hi guys. I have just made a new friend in the States through AOL's Instant Messenger. She asked me what kind of items she would like me to forward, and so here are two: just copy and paste, so ignore the layout.

Dear Senator Kerry:

I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself. Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you. (More if you want them. Let us know?)

1- We know you served in Nam. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than that on chow lines.

2- Get your stories straight. Admit you threw your (or someone's) medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with (gawd, man!) Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a 'youthful mistake'. We've made a few. We'll understand.

3- It's OK, you can talk French to French reporters if you want to, we don't mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreau can speak French, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, make up our own minds.

4- Sen. Kerry, why aren't you touting your good luck in snaggin, not one, but two, rich wives? Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the crick. Smilin Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Marvin and Dickweed who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle how we could be fishin' all day with nary a worry about where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup, do you? Come on! Show the world how lucky you are. We here in the South respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune.... even if he IS a politician.

5- Me and Boudreau wonder why you aren't going to the wrasslin' matches to get votes? We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. You got some good moves, looks like you already know how to take a fall. All us here ('cept Freddie Dobbs and Herm Harrison) are great fans of wrasslin'. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was one. Armen Yazoo is a wrasslin' maniac, but none of us would vote for him even if he was running only for dogcatcher. So.... you got to tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to Swiss prep school and St. Paul's School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. You needn't go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your living rooms. Weren't none of us recently fell off a turnip truck.

6- Tell us something you're FOR. We already know what you're agin.

7- We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you keep bowing in its direction, promising you will go there first thing if you are elected President of this country. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, millions skimmed off just happened to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up to a hill of beans.

8- If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax boost on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don't inspire us with confidence with you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with.

9- We got indoor privies, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us some credit for brains and understanding. We know economic conditions are good and.... getting better!! Your telling us we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the eerie feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.

10- You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in all the primaries and caucuses held so far. Yet you seem out of touch with your party and with America. Maybe you've been a pol too long, been campaigning too long and you need a break before the Convention. We all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put TeRAYza on the pillion and take off for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there. You don't have to get tattooed.

Sincerely, ****** (with the considerable assistance of J. Boudreau and B. Bass)

GOD BLESS YOU GOD BLESS AMERICA


> Subject: What is REALLY happening in IRAQ
>
> Words worth sharing from one of our men in uniform:
>
> Subject: The Real Story
>
> This is a letter from Ray Reynolds, a medic in the Iowa Army
> National Guard, serving in Iraq:
>
>
> As I head off to Baghdad for the final weeks of my stay in
> Iraq, I wanted to say thanks to all of you who did not believe the
> media. They have done a very poor job of covering everything that
> has happened. I am sorry that I have not been able to visit all
> of you during my two week leave back home. And just so you can
> rest at night knowing something is happening in Iraq that is
> noteworthy, I thought I would pass this on to you. This is the
> list of things that has happened in Iraq recently: (Please share it
> with your friends and compare it to the version that your paper is
> producing.)
>
>
> * Over 400,000 kids have up-to-date immunizations.
>
> * School attendance is up 80% from levels before the war.
>
> * Over 1,500 schools have been renovated and rid of the weapons
> stored there so education can occur.
>
> * The port of Uhm Qasar was renovated so grain can be off-loaded
> from ships faster.
>
> * The country had its first 2 billion barrel export of oil in
> August.
>
> * Over 4.5 million people have clean drinking water for the first
> time ever in Iraq.
>
> * The country now receives 2 times the electrical power it did
> before the war.
>
> * 100% of the hospitals are open and fully staffed, compared to 35%
> before the war.
>
> * Elections are taking place in every major city, and city councils
> are in place.
>
> * Sewer and water lines are installed in every major city.
>
> * Over 60,000 police are patrolling the streets.
>
> * Over 100,000 Iraqi civil defense police are securing the country.
>
>
> * Over 80,000 Iraqi soldiers are patrolling the streets side by
> side with US soldiers.
>
> * Over 400,000 people have telephones for the first time ever.
>
> * Students are taught field sanitation and hand washing techniques
> to prevent the spread of germs.
>
> * An interim constitution has been signed.
>
> * Girls are allowed to attend school.
>
> * Textbooks that don't mention Saddam are in the schools for the
> first time in 30 years.
>
>
> Don't believe for one-second that these people do not want
> us there. I have met many, many people from Iraq that want us
> there, and in a bad way. They say they will never see the freedoms
> we talk about but they hope their children will. We are doing a
> good job in Iraq and I challenge anyone, anywhere to dispute me on
> these facts. So If you happen to run into John Kerry, be sure to
> give him my email address and send him to Denison, Iowa. This
> soldier will set him straight. If you are like me and very
> disgusted with how this period of rebuilding has been portrayed,
> email this to a friend and let them know there are good things
> happening.
>
>
> Ray Reynolds, SFC
>
> Iowa Army National Guard
>
> 234th Signal Battalion

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Watch out!!

by GuruOfDos In reply to More grist for the mill . ...

That AOL IM thing can be dangerous. I too started a cyber-relationship with an American woman, back in 1999. Five years later, she is now Mrs Guru, living here with me in the UK and we have GuruJr.

Instant communication is a wonderful thing...just don't get too carried away!

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Are you complaining?

by jardinier In reply to Watch out!!

I thought you enjoyed looking down your nose at your American wife.

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