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MY yuk yuk

By jdclyde ·
As tomorrow is my Bday again (already?) and I am here sick as a dog, (Bronchitis), I am going to try to cheer myself up.

Q. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A. No, they both burn shorter!

Q. Why do we put candles on top of a cake?
A. It's too hard to put them on the bottom!

in recognition of the PETS discussion
Q. What do you say to a cat on her birthday?
A. Happy birthday to mew!

There was a rich guy and a poor guy, the poor guy asks the rich guy "so what did you get your wife for her birthday?"
The rich guy replies "a ferrari and a mercedes, so when she wants to feel rich she can drive the ferrari and when she wants to feel important she can drive the mercedes. What did you get your wife"
The poor guy replies " I got her a pair of mocasins and a vibrater"
the rich guys asks "why?"
the poor guy says "If she dosent like the mocasins she can go f### herself".

I know, pretty lame. Hope you can come up with something better. The meds got me pretty doped up, making even google difficult to navigate.
jd

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Get well soon....

by DugaDugDug In reply to MY yuk yuk

Pre-Happy B'day JD and I hope you are feeling better tomorrow so that you can celebrate it as you see fit.

A day early but here's some random thoughts (or groaners):

So there I was, in the bus station restroom, when I got this great idea for a novel. It's about a girl who's sitting there, broken-hearted, waiting for some guy to call her for a good time.

My wife is constantly nagging me. It's always "get a job" this, and "get out of your pajamas" that. Don't fence me in, woman!

Whenever I'm at a crossroads and struggling for moral guidance, I just ask myself, "What would Keith Moon do?" Because hey, if I ask, "What would Jesus do?" I'm less likely to wind up drinking a whole case of whiskey and then throwing a TV off a balcony.

If I ever became a porn star, I'd call myself "Willy Banger." With movies being so predictable these days, it's nice to leave at least one element of the plot a surprise.

Ever since I left my apartment and bought this house, I'm getting hit up for donations by all these charities like I'm filthy rich or something. Cripes, I just sent huge checks to both the Gas & Electric Cooperative and Clean Water & Garbage Removal Foundation *last* month!

A good non-sequitur is like a box of bacon: You never tell me you love me!

Here's a tip: When hiring a hooker, hire the tallest one available and pay her in venison. That way you get the most bang for your buck (I know...insert groans here>.

I don't know what bugs me more: that the old guy next door hangs his underwear on the clothesline, or that there's only one pair.

Every time I look in the mirror and see more wrinkles and less hair, I realize that time passes very quickly and one must use it wisely. So from this day forward, I pledge to seize the day and use my time spreading the word that old-looking bald guys are hung like horses.

There are only 10 types of people in this world, those who know binary and those who don't.

In some ways, it was sad to see my children grow into teenagers. Now they realize that "Night-Night, Bitchy-Head" and "It's Sleepy Time, Cranky-***!" are not legitimate lullabies.

The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct

(edited to correct format)

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Pre-Happy B'day JD

by heml0ck In reply to Get well soon....

Q: What do you give nine hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

Q: What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
A: "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

Q: Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
A: It was a flappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the tree's birthday?
A: It was a sappy one!

Q: What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
A: "Hey, what's eating you?"

Q: Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!

# When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

# My Husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that matched the color of his eyes - but where can you find a bloodshot tie?

# My wife refuses to use Inter Flora for people's birthdays. She says she doesn't think people would like margarine as a present.

# It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.

That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

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Looks like

by jdclyde In reply to Pre-Happy B'day JD

we hit some of the same sites! Saw a few of those but didn't want to make the list too long, ya know? People start skimming through if you do.

thanks!

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"Don't fence me in, woman! "

by jdclyde In reply to Get well soon....

I am going to have to remember that one!

Next time the EX DARES to TELL me something! B-)

Oh, I hope it is soon..... ]:)

Thanks!

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Poor JD..

by maecuff In reply to MY yuk yuk

Sick on your birthday?

I have REALLY good joke, but I'm afraid it would make you laugh too hard, then you'd start coughing and feel worse, so I'll keep it to myself.

I hope you feel better soon! And Happy Birthday!!

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Ok

by jdclyde In reply to Poor JD..

I am feeling better now.

How about that joke now?

And thanks for the bday wishes!

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I would

by maecuff In reply to Ok

but I forget what it was.

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Get back to work you skiver!

by neilb@uk In reply to MY yuk yuk

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell again-right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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Get well now, you hear? Have the happiest birthday possible under the circumstances...

Neil

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Shoe laces

by onbliss In reply to Get back to work you skiv ...

As I was reading, I thought somebody had tied his shoe laces :)

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aw man....

by jdclyde In reply to Get back to work you skiv ...

ya got me!

I do feel the Irish coming out in me more lately though! ;\

Ever hear the Pat Godwin song "switch to beer"? B-)

Spend most of yesterday in the Emergency room, so I am thinking the drinking might be a little light. Will have a grand time anyways! ;\

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