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parental rage

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by shellbot

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does anyone else have these type of issues with an ex-spouse??? or am i th eonly one that got hooked up with a nut case??

long history..but my 14 year old daughter now lives with me in Ireland after living with her father for several years in canada.
next thursday her and i are going to canada, i going to my parents, she going to his place. untill last night that was..when she recieved an email form her father and step mother.

the line that really makes your heart melt is this one ( written by the step mom)

"I have taken a break from anything that has to do with you. When I talk to you I am not talking to the girl I raised and taught, the one I loved as my own, that child died a good three months ago and I have no idea who this stranger is or whether I am capable of getting to know them or not, or if I want to."

Nice thing to say to a 14 year old girl who has had a lot thrown at her in her little life..all because she got a bit homesick before xmas and told them she was thinking of moving back in feb, they got all excited and pushed her on it and when she said no, she was just a bit upset at xmas, and she did not want to move back..they got all upset..
I am about I more nerve away from actually denying contact for a while..if we actually lived in Canada, I'd slap a restraining order on them two headcases..because in my books, that is emotional and psychological abuse, pure and simple.

she now refuses to go see him at all, nad anyways
I'm not letting her go to that mental house for 11 days with no protection. she can come to my parents and if he wants to see her, he can drive up himself and spend a couple days with her with me not too far away.

Ughh..i'm so disgusted..utterly and thouroughly disgusted that a father could think that that type of carry on is ok and in his words "they meant it as a slap in the face to get her to grow up and take responsibility and to make her realize how her actions affect others.." so..in their sick twisted minds they think this is going to make her feel sorry for them and come running back to them..thats what I think..
Sad sad people..

i chatted with him for 2 hours on phone last night and got no where..
this is not the first time they have doen this type of stuff..i have several pages of emails they have sent to her, and they have now crossed the line too many times!

question is..what do i say to my daughter?

16 replies

by dmambo

I have a 13 year-old, and while she doesn't have anywhere near the history you described, we have had our run-ins. One thing I would tell your daughter is that just because the step-mom is older, doesn't mean that she can't make a mistake. I think you should take the time to TRY to explain the intentions of the step-mom. Even though it seems like the absolute worst way to get the point across, she was attempting to point out how hurt she was. Ask your daughter what she thinks the message was.

Both of you being mad won't do anything to defuse the situation. But dealing with it together will help. Your daughter is getting close to the age where she will be making decisions for herself. She's going to have to know how to judge people by their actions and their intentions. Ask her to learn from this.

Good Luck. It's a long road, ain't it??

by jdclyde

you naturally want to hurt back.

The evil step mother is hurt and is trying to hurt back.

What could possibly be more damaging to a parent than to have your child say they don't want to be with you? It would kill me.

Like Mambo said, they are making a mistake, but probably because they are hurt themselves rather than anything else.

Pointing this out could make your daughter feel guilty and the LAST thing YOU want is for her to move back out of guilt.

Comfort her, be there for her. But as Mae has told me, you can't protect your kids from pain, just help then through it. I would NOT point out the WHY as like I said, you don't want to do ANYTHING that might make her change her mind.

She will understand later on, kids do.

Just make sure your not adding fuel to the fire thought about what nasty SOB's they are.

I would like it if my boys would like with me full time, but I don't want to have them have to make that choice yet. About a year from now though, I can see things changing after they get a chance to get used to things.

good luck!

by shellbot

if this was the first time this sort of thing had happened, i'd be a bit more tolerant i guess..but time and time again they do this, and time and time again she picks herself up and forgives them and i think this time they went too far one too many times...2 months ago we had the infamous
"after all we've done for you, you ungreatful little b1tch"
and then they wonder why she isn't excited at the prospect of spending a week with them.

i understand they are frustrated..she lived with them for 6 years..i understand all to well, but all thoise years i NEVER once acted like that.

They have told her that they don't think she is the same person she was a year ago..oh my god..she is 14..she changes from year to year..i'm not sure what they expect of her..and frankly, as parents, adults, and humans they have no right whatsoever to say horrible things to her like they did, no matter how much thier feelings are hurt. If they want to say those things to me, then so be it, but to a child? Your own child, who you know to be a sensitive type anyways? none of us is perfect, but some things are just not done

I never say how i feel about her father..but its pretty hard to hold it in when she is sobbing uncontrollaby and she asks me why they always have to hurt her like that..

by maecuff

It doesn't mean you don't WANT to protect them, though. There isn't anything harder than watching your children struggle.

by jck

I got a sister like that.

My niece got married in June...and literally within 3 weeks, my sister moved off...and wants nothing to do with her. Won't help her or anything...and my niece is 17.

My sister always used my niece as a tool to get things.

I often wonder if I'm adopted.

Short way to say it: your daughter is better off with you anyways. Ireland is a great place. Just make sure that you reinforce that she's not responsible for who her father is and she determines her own actions and future, not her genetics.

My niece often tried to blame herself for how her mother behaved...took me months to convince her she had nothing to do with how stupid her mother is.

Sounds like your ex is the same way...what sociological psychology calls the "pig parent".

Just love your daughter...and don't let him around her unless it's with you and other good family around. That way if he talks crap, you and others can stomp out the wildfire.

by jck

and I thought only my mother did that...

can't recount how many times I've heard the infamous "you ungrateful little bastard" or "you ingrate little son-of-a-bitch".

Of course, my father being the sensible man pointed out to me what a bitch was...and...that my mother was calling herself one.

I feel your pain...just love her, Shell...and talk to her...not like a baby, you know...but...to let her know you care.

I gotta go call the niece now. She needs me.

Take care :)

by shellbot

hope you niece is OK..its good of you to look out for her..

being a kid is hard these days isn't it..

by jck

Thanks for your sentiments :)

It's really no harder...I mean...actually being young...

Drugs were around in the 60s...
Crime was around in the 60s...
Social pressure was around in the 60s...

I think the thing that really makes it harder for a kid nowadays is the family situation...

40 years ago, most moms stayed home and were there for whatever the children needed when they got home from school and to see them off on the bus.

Nowadays, kids are relegated to being their own parent and eating what they can til mom or dad gets home to take them to Shoney's or McDonalds or brings home something to make dinner.

I think the big part that makes it bad: lack of structure.

Meaning:

No guidance.
No mature example to learn from.
No discipline when they do something wrong.

Having the parent around...if they're a good parent...solves all of that.

Despite my niece growing up with my sister and her two loser husbands she's had...my niece is an honors student across the board, has all sorts of private scholarships lined up for college, etc.

And she knows if she needs me bad enough, I'd cancel my trip to Ireland/UK and be there for her.

I've taken care of her since she was a baby...I don't stop caring for someone because of their age...especially her.

You're doing well...just love her, teach her right, don't be afraid to assert authority, love her more, talk to her as an equal when you explain, love her ever more...and things will be fine.

by dmambo

When she's sobbing, just hold her and soothe her. Don't discuss the problem then. When she's calmer is the time to talk about it.

I remember some past posts you've done and my heart goes out to this kid. It's gotta be 10 times harder when there's an ocean between her two homes. What a crappy choice - leave friends 3000 miles behind and go to a whole new culture, or stay in an environment where it sounds like poeple aren't even trying to understand you. (I guess that's the same thing the Pilgrims faced 400 years ago).

Was this step-mom ever an adolescent, or did just hatch at age 30?

Is she planning to stay with you long-term now, or go back to Canada next school year?

by shellbot

ya, its hard for her..she decided to try it in ireland for a while as she was not happy with her father. and i give her credit, she is adjusting very well. everyday i can see her blossoming more and more into a loving, compassionate, intelligent, funny and all around great person. it breaks my heart to see them stomp on her and what little self confidence she has at that age..
i try so hard to help him understand what she is going through, but he just won't listen. the frightening thing is, the step mom has 3 kids of her own, and i'm wondering if they are going to treat those 3 like they do her? I feel for those girls, as they are younger and it will be a few years before they are old enough to make thier own choices.

as for next school year, we had left that open for the time being, but she came to me a couple weeks ago and said that she thinks she wants to make ireland her pemanent home. I told her she had plenty of time to worry about that and in a few months we would speak about it, as at her stage in life 6 months is a long time. (where as he is demanding now to know what she is going to do)

I guess her and i will have a chat tonight..i'll let her do most the talking if she wants and i'll just remind her that her stepfather and i think she is a fantastic person and and let her know that we love her unconditionally no matter what.

by dmambo

(Sorry to drag this out, but I have 3 in the teen/preteen years, and this is REAL close to home)

I just want to make two points about your post above:
1) It sounds as though your husband is OK with having her in your home. If that's the case, she and you are both lucky ladies. He's a good man. Buy him a Guinness on me.
2) I'm thinking that the other kids being there has a lot to do with how the evil step-mother is acting. There are a lot of emotions in that type of situation. Not a lot of rational thoughts. I would guess that there's some type of either favoritism or sibling rivalry happening. No 14 year-old can overcome that alone. It takes the grown-ups to help too, and that's probably not happening.

Good luck again, Shell. I'll be thinking of you.

by jdclyde

I am truly sorry your little girl is going through this, and I can only imagine the situation as I am not living it. I DO have friends that have ex'es that are horible people, but not like that.

I would not make excuses, I would not justify, I would just be there.

As a complete outsider, I would say let any contact with them be only when THEY initiate it. When they get over themselves are realize a child isn't a possession but a treasure and things are to be done for the CHILDS benift completely without regards to yourself, THEN let them try again. Until then, I would inform them that you are keeping a printout and journal of every hateful thing that they write or say or do and will not be reluctant to use this against them in court if ever needed.

This IS child abuse. Not a physical beating, but something that hurts much worse and for much longer. Time to cut off communications.

Mae would be the BEST member for you to discuss this with. Hers was the closest to this that I am aware of and she is a smart, caring lady.

by maecuff

how some parents can be such worthless losers.

My son was rejected by his father at a young age, not quite as harsh, but rejection is painful no matter what.

My sisters and I suffered quite a bit of verbal abuse from our father growing up. It does hurt. As long as she knows she is valuable and wanted and loved, she'll be okay.

You can't stop her from being hurt by this, and it will probably hurt you as much as it hurts her. However, as long as she has a good support system, she can learn from it. It's a hard lesson, but it's one that can't be avoided. The most important thing is to help her not give in to bitterness, which means you'll have to do the same. It takes a monumental effort.

If all else fails, I'll let you borrow my baseball bat after I take care of my son's teacher. :)

by mickster269

There is the possiblity that something good will come of this. Namely, that your daughter will know what NOT to say to her child. She will know how words can hurt people, even more than sticks and stones. They leave long, lasting emotional nicks and welts on our psyche.

Some of the best lessons I learned from my mom's husbands are how not to raise my son. I have never said one bad word about his mother. I have learned that Dads can be crueler in thier sarcastic remarks and insults than any classmate can.

Not everything I learned from my dads were negative. I've also learned from them that a simple walk around the block with your dad can be the best time in the world. I've learned how a word of praise can make a kid's whole day.

I feel for your daughter- it's tough enough being a teenager without any other emotional slings and arrows. But we can hope she learns from this, and grows stronger because of it.

by shellbot

thanks for the support guys, i was hoping over the weekend we would worked through it a bit, but no such luck.

Her father and stepmom have sent her several "explanetary" emails. She refuses to respond to them and they are getting angry at that now. I've tried to reason with them, but they are sticking to thier guns and are actually reaffirming thier behaviour.

I was told yesterday, by the stepmom, that this is how they "deal with her and keep her in line and control her actions" and that after she calms down she will realise that this is the norm back there with them. SO i was like, you actaully admit that you use emotional/pshycological assault and abuse to keep her under your CONTROL ? Frightening..they think this is acceptable and actaully have sent numerous pages of email prove that their reaction was acceptable..

I called them on a few inconsistancies in thier story, and they then change the details slightly.

So at this stage, the reason they have freaked out is because over the past few months..and even longer, they feel she is pulling away form them and she doesn't communicate with them as good as she did last year..with thier attitude, i wonder why..

i tried to reason logicaly with them, but they won't budge..i'm going to need a lend of that baseball bat mae..(just joking)

aaagggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"no tv and no beer make Homer go something something"

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