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personality and social skills development

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I was reading the thread titled "Managing a Brilliant Employee" and can certainly identify since I am introverted myself. I actually have good social skills in business situations. I can speak to management, do job interviews, talk to customers, deal with tech support issues, and attend meetings without a problem. But I'm not too good in unstructured group situations (i.e. at a banquet with more than a few co-workers when the topic of discussion is not business related).

It seems to me that the quiet introverted are the ones who are sh*t on in both the working and non-working world. Women don't want to get involved with shy guys. Promotions usually go to the extroverts while the introverts end up doing twice as much work as everybody else. And when times get tough, the introverts are usually the ones that are laid off.

While I'm good with computers, I'm no genius and I figure that I'll be better off in the long run if I extrovert myself. I figured this would come with age but while my social skills have improved a bit, I'm still a LONG way from being the life of the party. It doesn't help when you sit in front of the computer at work all day and then have to go home and spend a few more hours studying for certification tests.

How does one go from being an introvert to being an extrovert (or become more social) without going through therapy? Certainly, some of you have undergone the transition. What are some techniques you've used to change your personality?

254 replies

by tony hopkinson

Get away from your desk. If the person you need to talk to is close, go talk to them instead of emailing. If you need a record of a decision, send an email for confirmation of the conclusion of the discussion. A lot of being introverted is habit, break as many as you can, nothing to do with personality, everything to do with confidence. The thing that helped me most was my years in support, whether I felt comfortable with it it or not the job meant I had to go out and interact with total strangers and I needed the job.
Introverts are just socially bruised extroverts.

by apotheon

I disagree rather strongly with that. Being an introvert isn't about confidence at all. I'm about as introverted as can be, and have also been called "justifiably arrogant" on many occasions.

Introversion isn't about being shy or socially unskilled. It's about where your focus lies, and from whence you draw strength. If you have a high level of focus, get bored or annoyed easily by chaotic social settings, and engage in a lot of self-analysis, you're probably an introvert. If, on the other hand, you need breaks at the watercooler every twenty minutes, can't stand to be alone for long periods of time, and spend all your mental energy memorizing trivia that is useful in small-talk and figuring out what social activity to pursue next, you're probably an extrovert.

From an outsider's perspective, a simple way to identify a person as either introvert or extrovert is to examine how they carry on conversations. For example, while both an introvert and an extrovert might seek out conversation about computer performance, an introvert is more likely to discuss principles of system performance like operating system architecture, symmetric multi-processing, and the role of lossless compression algorithms in protocols, while an extrovert is more likely to to discuss details of system performance like processor benchmarks, hard drive seek times, and data channel throughput.

Introverts tend to make better inventors and implementors, while extroverts tend to make better directors and salesmen. The current structure of the business world doesn't take note of that, and overlooks the value of introverts to a fair degree. For instance, the usual career advancement path for an IT professional starts in technical fields that are crossover points for introverts and extroverts, such as support technicians, progresses through innovative activities that are introversion-specific like program design and code development, and ends with the brass ring of management and executive accounts support, which is all extrovert-oriented. The structure of the common advancement path in IT is broken, because it doesn't create paths of advancement that capitalize on the strengths of the careerists' tendencies toward introversion or extroversion, and instead tries to make everyone fit a mold. A lot of extroverts falter in that intermediary stage, and make a lateral move to some sort of administrative job within a company where they can then continue to progress to upper management and, ultimately, end up in charge of the introverts, while introverts just get channelled into middle-tier technical jobs and are never given the opportunity to advance from there, since the upper-tier technical jobs are all filled from middle-tier management.

Treating introverts as broken or deficient is a good way to earn their resentment. If you want to maximize the effectiveness of the people who work for and with you, you need to learn to value their strengths and what they can offer, rather than classifying people as "socially skilled" and "not socially skilled". The common perception that introverts are just socially unskilled people by definition is entirely wrong: the fact of the matter is that introverts only [b]tend to be[/b] socially unskilled, usually because they're not interested on a personal level in engaging in the sort of social activities that make extroverts happy. The only impetus a real introvert has to learn social skills is to succeed in an extrovert's world, which is a frustrating and often miserable task for an introvert.

As famous introvert Jean-Paul Sartre once said: "Hell is other people." This isn't an attitude born of being a "socially bruised extrovert": it's an attitude that arises because introverts often have to deal with extroverts and, to put it unkindly, get sick and friggin' tired of all that empty prattling. I mean, seriously, what's the point of all that nattering on about stupid crap that seems to dominate the conversations of extroverts?

Intellectually I understand that the "small talk" of which extroverts seem so proud is a sort of communication protocol, wherein they establish channels of data exchange and note points of intersecting expertise, but the signal-to-noise ratio of such a conversation from the point of view of an introvert is absurdly high. Get two extroverts together to discuss the architecture of an enterprise LAN that has to be put together, and it will be peppered with personal anecdotes about an upcoming Labor Day barbeque, sports scores, hirings and firings gossip, and so on. Get two introverts together to discuss the same thing, and it will be peppered with opinions on cabling (twisted pair or solid core), comparative strengths of failover server redundancy models, and possibly some consideration of how to best to represent the finished plan to the extroverts with whom they have to work.

If you've got a two-person job, all else being equal, get two introverts to do it: they'll get it done faster, with more attention to detail. If you've got a thirty-person job with two people planning it, at least one of them should be an extrovert, because someone's going to have to explain it to all those other extroverts.

If I was inclined toward offense, I'd be offended by your statements that introverts lack confidence and are "just socially bruised extroverts." Instead, however, I simply feel a bit of pity for someone with such a clear lack of understanding of what makes people tick.

by tony hopkinson

and it sounded like it might work for him, so I offered it.

The first step in being confident in front of others is to be confident with yourself, whether the lack of confidence is justified or not is beside the point.

I wasn't happy with myself, this guy doesn't sound like he's happy with himself. If you are fine, Now I am and once he is we can all be arrogant together.
It's just a different way of thinking about the situation not a f'ing character assassination.

by holdupmaster

What a complete load of garbage! Your underlying skills have nothing to do with whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. I have met people that have worked in the games industry, writing code that is HARD, that can do multi-dimensional mathematics in their HEAD, as well as talk about average instructions persecond CPU throughput and could give you an in depth (at bus level) analysis of performance bottlenecks with various system boards. These guys were off the wall funny, and could make small talk with the best of them.
Personality and skill sets dont correlate, granted introverts tend to spend a lot more time reading and studying. That doesnt mean that extroverts dont.

Introversion is not a bad thing, but if you feel like you would like to have better social skills, the best thing to do is to take up a hobby that involves interacting with people.
My advice would be to take up martial arts, its a great stress buster, you get to meet lots of people, its great for confidence and you will be interacting with people in a non-work environment. It will also add to your interests that are not IT/work related. Which will benefit you when you have to talk to people back at work.

by that it man over there can tell you

In my chosen career I have come across (and managed) plenty of introverted techs. One of the main similarities with all the ones I've come across is that they consider "extroverts" to be intellectually challenged. The main reason they seem to believe this is because extroverts don't discuss the latest Hoary Hedgehog developments with the receptionist by the water-cooler. They (introverts) display a total lack of understanding of normal human social interaction and because they don't understand it they dismiss it as pointless time wasting. People discuss "Labor Day barbeques" & "sports scores" because these are subject matters, like the weather, that can be discussed with anyone. I'd imagine there would be a sharp decline in the birth-rate if all men tried to discuss the pros and cons of x.400 over SMTP with the boss? brunette secretary!
There are definitely misconceptions on both sides but, in my experience (and I believe these posts demonstrate this), introverts fail to acknowledge the different, but still valuable, skill-sets extroverts have. Whereas extroverts generally appreciate that IT introverts have excellent technical knowledge and expertise.
This appreciation of others skills is, in my opinion, the reason why you find so many extroverts progressing to management whereas introverts find themselves hitting a glass-ceiling because of their lack of ?people-skills?.
With regard to the two-person job analogy - it depends what the "job" is - if you get two techie introverts to build a company social-club web-site do you think you'd get better results than if you asked one extrovert techie to do the same job? I don't.

by kahlesit

What if I memorize a lot of trivial information that might be useful for conversations but instead keep it to myself? What am I then?

...probably an introvert.

by diana o

The statement "If, on the other hand, you need breaks at the watercooler every twenty minutes, can't stand to be alone for long periods of time, and spend all your mental energy memorizing trivia that is useful in small-talk and figuring out what social activity to pursue next, you're probably an extrovert" sounds somewhat negative to me (I'm sure you didn't mean that, after talking about the introvert definition being negative). It's also somewhat inaccurate (but not completely).

The definition that I have gotten from a Master in Social Work therapist is:

Introverts recharge their batteries by having alone time, and lots of people contact tires them.

Extroverts recharge their batteries by having lots of contact with people, and long stretches of alone-time tires them.

It's all about where you get your energy, more than anything else.

Pretty simple. And there's no mention of social skills either--extroverts can have poor social skills just as equally as introverts can.

For recommendations about being more "extroverted" I would recommend anything that helps raise comfort levels in conjunction with talking in front of groups and meeting new people, such as Toastmasters, volunteer work, committee work in organizations you belong to, etc. At work, try to talk to people more, even if it is just telling the building guard "good morning" every day and saying "hello" to people on the elevator, if you have one. Comfort comes with practice, for ANYBODY, whether you are extrovert or introvert.

I am an extrovert, but was extremely shy when I was younger--doing temp and contract work cured me of that in time. I kept having to introduce myself over and over! Practice makes -- comfort.

Good luck!
Diana O.

by itengineerguy

Speaking of useless babble. Any way, I would think that just getting to know people by starting off with a hello. You don't have to spew out garbage, because most people don't care to hear junk. Ask how they are and listen to the other person. You can be a introvert and still have social skills such as politeness and listening.

by Former member

Awesome! I am not on either extreme of the personality swing of the pendelum, but I can't agree more. Indeed, what should be looked in any team is balance of personalities, as you have aptly illustrated. Soon the introverts group would have to be designated as an other employment equity group, as it is unjustfiably descriminated against with impunity.

by blitzsonik

I have to agree with apotheon on this one! I am an introvert in a support environment with three extroverts. I get more work done in the 2 hours before they get into work then I do the rest of the day because of their bantering, joking, or just plain idiocracy!

They call me grumpy most of the time when in fact, I am just trying to focus on my work. I am a very focused person...hell bent on getting the project done on-time or ahead of schedule.

...and just to show you that leaving the desk has nothing to do with your social skills, the extroverts in my office use remote control software (DameWare) to fix problems while I venture out to the users desk.

Just my 2?

by jim.rossi

I'm extremely introverted. It's completely about being shy. And I have no focus. (I've got ADD).

by bernman93

You are looking too hard for outside ways of changing your personality. Introverts do not have to take up a new hobby just to learn to become more extroverted. Interpersonal skills are learned by having to deal with other people, hence ?interpersonal?. Most introverts lack these skills only because they are driven by the challenge of ?problem solving? which tends to be a very cerebral way of dealing with the world. The easiest way to gain the skills you are looking for is to take on the types of duties that REQUIRE you to have to look outside of yourself and deal with other people to complete.

This does not require you to look outside of your own workplace. What is does require is that you look for opportunities to manage projects. When you are the problem solver for a project, you can take the requirements given, figure out the answer by working with the small group of people you are comfortable with, with a very specific goal in mind, and stay focused on that goal. When you manage a project, you have to deal with forces that often seem completely irrelevant. However, failing to deal with those outside influences will be essential to your completing your project successfully. For instance, do you know who your CFO is, or what the budget for your department is? How much did your last project cost your company to complete, and did your boss have to change is budget to complete it? When you are looking for a technical solution to a problem, these questions may seem irrelevant. But I will bet you money that when your boss was talking to other members of management, these subjects of ?small talk? were discussed often. Small talk does not have to be mindless drivel, and that misperception is one of the things that cause introverts to "shy away" from learning it. A person that is good at small talk will actually have something substantial to say, however it is usually dealing with a topic outside of their obvious area of expertise or the apparent topic at hand. Introverts have the problem that we are "to the point" people. When we have a conversation, we are usually trying to either convince someone of the merits of our intended solution to get it approved, or looking for input on a problem we need a solution to. What is often not considered is that the solution we are proposing might be too expensive, or too time consuming, or any other number of factors could effect its viability. When we are taken ?off topic? into other areas we do not see as relevant, we tend to quickly get bored and frustrated. Once you have managed projects, you will learn to understand these diversions and your frustration should go away. You will also come to understand why your boss sometimes gets that ?deer in the headlights? look after about 10 minutes into your extremely important, highly detailed explanation of why he absolutely needs to?.. When you have time and budget deadlines you are trying to meet, you often do not have the time or available attention to hear long explanations. Learning to "surface skim" a topic is probably the hardest thing introverts can learn. I still can sometimes look at people I am talking to and see the glazed eyes when I get too in-depth on a topic. We tend to assume other people need to understand and are interested in the minutia of problems we are working on, when in fact they do not have the time to get that in-depth, because our issue is only one of several they have to manage. The better you can do that, the more valuable you become to your company as well. Most companies are looking for a person that can approach a problem from several angles to find a "good" general solution, rather than the one that tends to overlook those solutions in favor of the "right" solution as they see it.

I was as introverted as you could be. Anyone familiar with the military's MBTI personality test will understand what a "48" introvert means. However, I now look at myself and to the outside world, everyone thinks I am extroverted. What changed me was my 10 years as a naval officer. When you are an officer, you are not allowed to "specialize" in your job. I had more collateral duties than most people had as their primary job. Those duties required me to get involved in a wide range of areas, and that is where your "small talk" comes from. It is not necessary to give up your knowledge to be more extroverted. Indeed, you will need to learn to expand the areas you have interest in over time, and learn to discuss broad topics, instead of just talking on the finer points. One other method you can use to do this is to read the front and local sections of you newspaper every day. Not the whole thing, just pick a few articles and read them. While these may have nothing to do with your field of expertise, what is happening in the world around you should interest you. If nothing else, it will give you something to talk about besides the job.

by amcol

First the bad news. You can't go from being an introvert to being an extrovert. There's no such thing as a personality transplant. It's not like converting to a new religion, or changing your political affiliation. You are what you are.

Now the good news. You can learn new behaviors and thought processes.

Now more bad news. It ain't easy, and it requires eternal vigilance. You have to be willing to make the commitment, up front and every single day, day after day after day.

BTW, you're wrong about introverts and extroverts. The bad experiences you attribute to introverts are not due to introversion. An introvert has to do the same things as anyone else to stand up for himself/herself in order to avoid being at the bottom of the dump pile, it's just that many, many introverts have a self-defeating attitude that comes from also being passive/aggressive perfectionist control freaks. I'm not saying we're all like this (before someone jumps all over me) I'm just saying those personality traits are often connected. It's invalid to pull one out of context and blame it for everything.

Trick number 1: don't try to "extrovert yourself", learn to act as if you're an extrovert. Two different things. If you try to "become" an extrovert you'll fail, for the reasons I said. Observe extroverts' behavior and emulate them. It's the best you'll be able to do, and it's plenty good enough. Oh, and stay away from self-help books...you'll find maybe one out of 80 gajugazillion that're worth the paper they're printed on, so the effort/reward ratio is pretty small.

Trick number 2: don't make this a goal oriented activity. If you assign yourself a date by which you'll succeed in your quest, or a series of events that have to happen in order for you to judge yourself successful, you'll fail. Be content with waking up one day and realizing you've made incremental improvements, and make that your ongoing motivation to continue to change (your behavior, not your innate personality).

Trick number 3: Lighten up on yourself. Just because you want to exhibit different behavior doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you right now. As a matter of fact, there's a lot RIGHT with you. What you call getting a lot of additional work I call being regarded as dependable. What you call appearing to be unapproachable to women I call being discriminating. Turn negatives into positives. I'm a lifelong card carrying introvert who was incredibly lucky enough to marry one of the most beautiful and extroverted women you'll ever meet, and that was 28 wonderful fun filled years ago. It can happen to anyone.

Trick number four: learn how to be whole brained. You like working in IT...great, just don't do it all the time. You don't like going out in social situations...fine, just understand that practice makes perfect and you need as much practice as you can stand to get better. Push yourself.

I could go on and on but I'd be breaking my own rules. Start small, take it easy, make incremental improvements. Don't defeat yourself. Wake up every single morning and tell yourself, "Just for today...and today only...I will revel in my successes and ignore my defeats". Then do that again the following morning. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Oh, BTW, one more thing. Ever listen to the music of Billy Joel? He and I have the same philosophy in life...don't take any $%*!@# from anyone. That helps too.

by lumbergh77

"As a matter of fact, there's a lot RIGHT with you. What you call getting a lot of additional work I call being regarded as dependable. What you call appearing to be unapproachable to women I call being discriminating. Turn negatives into positives. "

I didn't think of it like that. I'm glad you pointed that out.

"I'm a lifelong card carrying introvert who was incredibly lucky enough to marry one of the most beautiful and extroverted women you'll ever meet, and that was 28 wonderful fun filled years ago. It can happen to anyone."

I'm sure that helps to have an extroverted wife. Sometimes I'll be really social after I've been socializing awhile. But then I'll spend time alone and lose the momentum. I'm looking into getting involved in more social activities.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it.

by ryan.williamson

Nice post, Amcol!

I'm 'way over' into the introvert category according to the MBTI test I took, and I definitely find myself dealing with it on a daily basis.

It's funny that you would point out: "many introverts have a self-defeating attitude that comes from also being passive/aggressive perfectionist control freaks", because that is my to a "T". I find no offense in that statement at all.

You've also given me a new motto to work with: "Just for today...and today only...I will revel in my successes and ignore my defeats".

Ryan

by amcol

My statement about the self defeating attitude comes, I'm sorry to say, from years of personal experience trying to overcome that very problem.

The "just for today" speech is not original. It's an adaptation of something you'll find in almost any twelve step program. However, if it works...it works. And I do find that it works. Think of it in terms of the old standard "slice of baloney" time management technique...you can't eat the whole baloney all at once, so attack it in slices. Same with this. Take life one day at a time...so much easier.

by dave.schutz

I've been an introvert my whole life, it was not caused by failing in social situations, it is what I prefer. However to be successful we all need to communicate. I can talk about technical issues forever, in fact I've taught classes in electronics and computers with no problem.
My problem comes in talking to groups of people about non-technical issues. Like many introverts I just run out of things to talk about.
However, groups (like toastmasters) teach you how to speak in public, often about subjects you are unprepared for. It is a great way to learn to communicate with others.
You may never become an introvert. Changing your personality requires professional help and lots of time. But you can become more comfortable communicating with others.

by amcol

I'm a graduate of Toastmasters myself. Outstanding program, I highly recommend it for everyone.

Interesting comment...being an introvert is what you prefer. Not sure I agree. We're all born with certain personality traits, it's not something we choose. Your statement implies you've chosen to be an introvert, rather than accepting the fact that you are one. I think in your case you've chosen to be comfortable with what you are, which is wonderful.

Maybe I'm just splitting hairs.

by minion

Well, you've certainly recieved a ton of responses! Some sound great.

-I especially love the suggestion to approach beautiful women. The key to any relationship is to listen well. It may take a while, but eventually you find something in common that you can talk about. Which brings me to point 2.

-ask questions. it shows the other person you are interested in them and not self absorbed. when you find a common interest start talking about that. It may take a while, but talk when you have an opportunity. If you're tying to get to know someone and it seems one sided, or you're getting short answers that don't really help, move on. if they're showing signs of disinterest don't spend all you energy trying to get to know someone who doesn't want to be friends.

-listen to talk radio, read the newspaper, or watch the news. that way you can at least casually talk about current events, and relay interesting stories.

-the Houston Chronicle has a daily joke in the "Star" section. i read them daily. the good ones go in my wallet, or on a list that i use for my email signature. just under my name is a new joke, proverb, one-liner, or quote each week. this way people actually read my emails... the really good ones i practice over and over while i'm alone so that i can say it right whenever i get an opportunity.

-from Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" - make a note of people's birthday's. then send them a card, note, call, or e-card. "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

-we are good at something, and somethings we can fake. i fake it. i still like to be alone, and be left alone. but when i'm at work i fake it. it's fun to tell joke and talk to folks. but developing that is like flexing a new weak muscle. the more you do it the easier it will be.

since you're seeking advice, you're obviously interested in improving yourself and that goes a long way. Keep applying that desire to action and you'll do fine!

-corey

"Never let the fear of stiking out keep you from swinging." Babe Ruth

by jims

For more tips on how to succeed in an Extrovert world without changing who you are and for a physiological theory that explains the differences, get the book _The Introvert Advnatage_ by Marti Olsen Laney.

by keyguy13

Once again I agree with a lot of what you have to say amcol. I disagree on a few points though.

First, to say that someone "is" a certain way and that they can't change who they are is ridiculous, in my opinion.

But then you correctly go on to contradict yourself (unknowingly)by saying that you can change behaviors and thought processes.

I say that one can't define oneself at all. That every person "is" who they are at any given moment BECAUSE of what they are thinking and their behaviors. An extrovert is an extrovert because they choose to be at any given moment. Just the same with an introvert.

People get labeled as introverts and extroverts because they have chosen particular habits (usually ongoingly and unconsciously) that convey to the rest of us "introvert" or "extrovert".

I often exhibit habits of an introvert, I read alot, don't like small talk when I am trying to complete a project, I forcus on details, etc. Yet on many occasions I like to be with people and stop thinking so much and just enjoy people's company. So I don't label myself as an introvert OR an extrovert. And I think it is dangerous for anyone to do so. All it does is re-inforce in your own mind, a stereotype that may limit you in life.

And to state something that you believe (in other words your opinion) as fact is just another way of closing your mind and limiting yourself. It just doesn't work for me.

But that is my opinion. Take it for whatever it's worth to you.

by amcol

I like the idea of rejecting labels, which can become self-fulfilling prophecies. I have all the qualities of an introvert, therefore I am an introvert, therefore that's all I'll ever be. How depressing.

On the other hand, I'm not sure "being" an introvert or an extrovert is purely a matter of labeling. There are definite traits and qualities associated with each, ingrained in our synapses where we can't affect them. If you exhibit the qualities of introversion you are, ipso facto, an introvert. As I said in a previous post I don't think it's a question of having "chosen particular habits"...that implies we have more control over our own brain chemistry than we actually do.

In your case you appear to be somewhere in the middle in that you are capable of introversion or extroversion depending on which is situationally appropriate. I agree that as far as it's within your power to do so this IS a matter of choice. For many, many people there is in fact no choice since they are so far to one extreme or the other that they can't get back to your middle ground.

Notice I didn't say you're capable of BEING an introvert or an extrovert. I still say you are what you are. What you're doing is overcoming your natural personality proclivities and exhibiting behaviors you've consciously chosen. That's a skill requiring strength, determination, and patience. I admire your ability to do so.

I think it all boils down to a question of becoming comfortable in your own skin, and knowing what parts of yourself you have control over. If you don't like your hairstyle you can go to the barber. If you don't like your weight you can go on a diet. If you don't like constantly being excluded from social gatherings, or feeling uncomfortable when you're in one, you can work on giving more of yourself and being more open. If, on the other hand, you're perfectly happy going home to a beer and a ballgame every night with little to no social interaction, that's fine too. One should never allow the expectations and judgments of others to govern one's behavior, nor one's feelings about oneself.

by surflover

Drago,

I am certifiably "introverted", but anyone who knows me would luagh hysterically if you told them that...

There's only one thing you have to get over:

the fear of failure

try;

1. Sports. You dont have to play rugby, just get involved with some sport that looks interesting to you, and dont worry about being good... I'm a very BAD surfer, but I did it for years, and loved it... It made me meet new people (many of the Hawaiian freinds I made were because they were much better and would come up to me and give me pointers (especially after a major wipeout, of which I had more than my share :-))...

2. Hot women. I know this sounds crazy, but it works... Find a girl who'se WAY out of your league and become friends withe her. Be honest with her and ask her to help you improve socially (you may have to make a few attempts at this, as some will blow you off laughing hysterically) but most of the women I know would take you on as a "project", changing your hair, your clothes, telling you what's in style, etc... (Women LOVE to change men :^O)... I did this (and still do it), it's a great way to meet women... and the side benefit is, if they like what they've created, you might get some ;-)...

3. Practice. As others have said, you have to put yourself in social situations often, you'll find you become more comfortable each time you do.

4. Patience. don't expect a miraculous lightning bolt of change. Slow your pace on you certifications to give your more time to go out and meet people. Approach new encoutners they way you would try to solve a computer problem... they're really not that different.

5. Video Games. DO NOT, under any circumstances engage in them. They will usurp your free time, focus your spirit inward, and distort your ability to relate to others.

6. Humor. Read jokes constantly. NOTHING breaks the ice like making someone laugh. The more jokes you have on hand, the easier it is to "strike up" a conversation... just avoid ones that are too off colour :-)

7. Never take yourself seriously. Be Irreverant. The less you care about being serious, the more lighthearted you are... which usually translates into the more likeable you are. If I wan't to meet a pretty girl at a party, I talk about a humorous event from my past where I did something stupid that had a humorous outcome, I never talk about my successes (don't try this at first, you have to develop an understanding of the difference between what will be taken as funny, vs. making you look like an idiot :-).

8. PRACTICE. I can't say it enough...

...sorry for being long winded... I hope this helps :-)

by lumbergh77

I've yet to hit 30 but would hate to see in the same position at 40. Sadly a lot of people are.

by lumbergh77

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Great idea re finding a hot woman to help. How would you go about asking for her help though without coming across as a total geek?

"Hot women. I know this sounds crazy, but it works... Find a girl who'se WAY out of your league and become friends withe her. Be honest with her and ask her to help you improve socially (you may have to make a few attempts at this, as some will blow you off laughing hysterically) but most of the women I know would take you on as a "project", changing your hair, your clothes, telling you what's in style, etc... (Women LOVE to change men )... I did this (and still do it), it's a great way to meet women... and the side benefit is, if they like what they've created, you might get some ..."

by surflover

don't worry about being taken as a geek... just be up front about your objective, (most don't bite) B-)... remember, you want to ply the sympathy gene (but there are a few women who don't have it, hence my last comment about some will "laugh hysterically and blow you off")... don't be afraid to fail a few times... You should try to find one whose "nice" (but still hot)... and it works best if it's a girl with whom you do not have mutual friends (in case it's a flop, you don't need all your buddies on your case about it :-))... Most geeks have a hard time approaching women socially, so approach her as if you're solving a complex technical problem, and the girl is the maintenance manual :^O

by raven2

You have hit a lot of the basics, but you have to have a social network that will support you and give you real feedback.

Most of the spirtual teachings say "know Yourself". That is the real work you are talking about. You need to build a network and not just accept what shows up. Your beliefs run your life.

by keyguy13

The best advice I could give you about changing habits from being an introvert to being an extrovert (and to live an outragreous life that you love) would be to sign up for Landmark Education's Forum.

It is not a simple fix like toastmasters, it will actually give you the tools to live your life any way you want to. For me it was more effective than all of tony robbins' books and CDs, the dale carnegie course, toastmasters, and the hundreds of other self-help books I have read combined. And I can say this with authority, as I have listened to tony robbins' CDs, taken the Dale Carnegie Course, been to toastmasters (it's not bad, but it doesn't address WHY people have trouble in social situations), and read hundreds of self help books.

I used to think I was an introvert. I used to think I was shy and awkward and couldn't talk to people or express myself. In my mind, I WAS shy and awkward, a repressed introvert.

After taking the Landmark Forum everything changed. I now can speak about ANYTHING in public without stage fright stopping me. Without ANY fear stopping me. I'm not saying the fear isn't there, I'm saying that it doesn't stop me now. I can approach ANY woman (and often do) and ask her out now, without being stopped by fear of rejection. I live my life on my own terms now and I have never been happier.

No I don't work for Landmark, no I am not trying to sell anything. I'm simply spreading the word about a program that ACTUALLY works. No Bullsh|t.

If you're interested go here: www.landmarkeducation.com

Enough said

by asg58

i like it!!!... im an IT Guy in a comp. with abt 450 emps. most of them HOT WOMEN!. now i have the ultimate plan to approach them, tho im dont hv problems...but hey whateva it takes to get to know them.lol.

by jrod86

But, I would also add that you might want to join a group the forces interaction with others. Some have mentioned other things, but a group like the Toastmasters that engages you to speak in front of crowds may also help. They do also engage in other activities and are a very social group.

Where I work, they have meetings and get-togethers and people who are struggling in communication and speaking to people outside of work are encouraged to give it a shot.

by kenedi

Join a Toastmasters club (a very supportive environment for getting comfortable as the center of attention).
Participate in a small role in a community theatre production (or even start by working backstage; it just helps to feel a part of a cooperative effort).

by dc guy

It's not true that women avoid shy guys. What they don't like is lack of self-confidence. (And even at that I'm overgeneralizing. For every epsilon there is a delta, as we math majors used to say.)

As you've been told, it's not easy to become extroverted, and it's definitely not something you can just set out to do; it's more likely something that will just happen slowly as you get older if you're patient with yourself. But you can do something about your self-confidence.

Participating in bulletin boards is a great thing to do, like this one. Go find some others that interest you. There is always somebody out there with a question you have the perfect answer to. After you've helped a few people and they've thanked you, you'll feel differently about yourself. Sometimes you have to do some research to come up with the answer, and you end up being smarter. That doesn't hurt either. Or better yet, wiser!

Women differ from one another just as much as we do. There are bunches of them who find life-of-the-party guys to be downright threatening. (If they find them at all since they probably don't go to parties.) Who are somewhat introverted themselves and don't want to be overwhelmed. Who have more internet correspondents than face-to-face friends. Who genuinely enjoy reading and playing with their pets and don't want to lose that just because they find a guy they get along with.

The problem with introversion is (duh) that you people don't run into each other because you're not out there running into anybody.

So try an internet dating site (e-Harmony is well recommended) or simply the personal ads. You can go into all the detail you want to about what kind of person you are and what kind of person you'd like to find. Just don't start telling people what they have to be like in order to like YOU. Let them make that decision for themselves, they might surprise both of you. People usually start with a short phone call or perhaps even an e-mail exchange, then graduate to half an hour in a public place in the daytime where the main activity is eating lunch or something like that that takes the pressure off. If they feel comfortable, then they take it from there, as slowly as they feel like going.

I know a guy who met his wife in a poetry chat room. They lived in different cities. Eventually they started having phone conversations, but it was a year before they ever actually met face to face. They've been happily married for several years now, it's working for them.

You're fortunate to live in an era when technology provides people who aren't socially assertive with several painless, easily-bailed ways to find each other.

Good luck!

by lumbergh77

Thanks for the tips. I've tried the online personal thing for a few years and had no luck at all. The girls seem to vastly outnumber the guys and it's difficult to stand out. I thought about contacting other GUYS via the personals to hang out with and pick up women.

Never tried e-harmony. Have you had luck with that one?

by ryan.williamson

DC Guy -

You said: "As you've been told, it's not easy to become extroverted, and it's definitely not something you can just set out to do; it's more likely something that will just happen slowly as you get older if you're patient with yourself. But you can do something about your self-confidence."

While I agree somewhat with what you've said, I think it's important to realize that an introvert will never truly become an extrovert. It's just not gonna happen.

We "I's" tend to live in our own little world's, and we like it that way.

Can I "put myself out there" and carry on discussions with the "E's" that I work with ... sure. But, when I get home at night, the only noise I want to hear is the gentle hum of my PC's fans.

An "I" is an "I" forever - it's the way our minds are wired. All we can do is try to be more comfortable....and exhaust ourselves at the same time.

Improving self-confidence I agree with - sort of. Being an "I" makes it awfully difficult to put ourselves in positions where we are able to gain confidence.

I actually find that I gain more confidence by challenging myself with a project, doing it well, and feeling proud of myself for figuring it out. No one needs to know, and that's OK!

Just my .02 worth...

Ryan

by keyguy13

You may not be aware of technology that can indeed give someone the ability to be an extrovert any time they want. It's called the Landmark Forum (www.landmarkeduction.com) and in one weekend and an evening, I changed myself from a total introvert to an extrovert. It is possible and I refute your claims to the contrary.

by jaqui

since I've never been shy can't say how to change that in you.
but being sociable has it's drawbacks also.
I've had to learn to shut people down when they want to chat, cause otherwise it interferes with getting work done.

I've actually groown to enjoy being alone / at home far more than with a group.

a couple of things to keep in mind about being more comfortable in public, when you are feeling like you don't fit:
1) their sh|t stinks too.
2) they put their pants on one leg at a time also.
3) what has this person done to EARN the PRIVILEDGE of having their opinion matter?
( yup, no-one's opinion matters unless YOU think it does. [ employer being the exception, he is paying you to have his opinion matter ] )

by charliespencer

Are there other employees where you work whose company you enjoy, regardless of gender? Consider going out for lunch together a couple of times a month. Non-work subjects will invariably come up on their own.

If you're not ready for a one-on-one, suggest your department go out together monthly, or chip in and have pizza or Chinese delivered to a conference room.

Try attending professional groups or organizations related to a hobby or non-business interest you may have.

Is there anyone where you work who might be willing to mentor you?

You're not alone. I hate the traditional office Christmas "party" where everyone is expected to attend and find something to talk about with spouses you won't see again until next Christmas. My wife is also a wallflower and hates trying to develop new relationships. She's not anti-people, she's actually quite compassionate and empathic. But she's physically small and feels intimidated in crowds.

by rayc

Be yourself dude.

Don't try and model yourself on a seeemingly confident person such as a salesman, they are often even more "shy" than you but mask it with bravado and being a loud arrogant nobend. People need the quiet types as well.

Take up a sport, go running or cycling, learn stuff, be better at things, be nice to people, read a book, eat fruit and veg, travel to new places and gradually you will become somebody you love, then others will love you too. Confidence begets confidence. But life is a real big long journey, and it begins with a single step. Start today. But above all: don't worry, relax, everyone is just as "shy" as you, they just get on with it better.

by ymatlosz

Ugh! This is how I know I'm an introvert. I find unstructured social gatherings to be a challenge. In the past, I've made a point to seek out other introverts (they are the ones who look slightly bored or fidgity) and strike up a converstation. Seeking out fellow intorverts is easy because they are usually grateful that someone has approached them!

One of my friends is and extrovert and I've started paying attention to how she handles people in social situations. (I have to laugh because it seems so funny to take on social skills as if it was a scientific project.)

I figure I have depth, now I need to work on breadth.

Yvonne

"You're not alone. I hate the traditional office Christmas "party" where everyone is expected to attend and find something to talk about with spouses you won't see again until next

by raven2

May be you need a coach.

Learning almost anything is easier if you have someone teach you. You probably did not gain your technical expertise through trial and error by yourself. Why expect social skills to be the learned by that method?

If you are open to the idea, check out the following website, she deals well with techies, www.joybroughton.com

by nazarene

I know where you are coming from and am undeniably an introvert myself. I also have some issues with self-confidence, but these are being dealt with, as you'll see soon.
I have not seen this mentioned specifically so I will do so.

I started going to the gym (some cardio but focusing on bodybuilding) about 5 months ago, being a little overweight and very pasty skinned and just overall not in good shape. Socially I just always felt out of place (and still do sometimes...) and was just pretty much unhappy with myself in general. Then I decided that I have to do something about how I was feeling, since no one else was going to magically resolve my situation.

Anyway, 5 months ago I weighed around 240 pounds (I'm 6ft4 tall) and now I weigh around 220 pounds, but much much leaner and more muscular. I go to gym 3 or 4 times a week for no more than an hour to an hour and a half per evening and I watch what I eat a lot more. My self confidence has gone up 200% since I've made some friends in the gym and met some very nice ladies there as well, some of whom have very specifically mentioned how great my arms and shoulders are looking (their words, not mine).

Point is, if I had stayed at home playing games all the time (which I still do a lot of) and not got out there to work on myself then I would not have met a bunch of nice people and not have been invited to go clubbing, etc.

It really had changed my life considerably. I'm not saying it will work for everyone... but it certainly is worth considering... and once again (I know I sound very contrived... but I don't mean to) the ladies love it :) .

Nazarene

by abanerji

Introversion and extroversion are interpreted differently in "personality theory". An introvert can jolly well be most talkative on a favourite topic, or on one of those days. On the other hand, I have seen a real extrovert get into a shell in a tough situation.

Personality theory says an introvert is a person who derives energy being alone, and an extrovert gets her energy being with people. I don't think this core can be modified at all. Only good actors can probably mask their true self.

There's a nice online test at www.advisorteam.com. A few years back I found I am an iNTj. Sadly, I am in a non-NT profession. Would have done well in infotech.

I like to be with myself, but can be at ease with people. The "beauty" of small talk remains an issue though :-)

by talentonloan

I agree with the distinction made in Kiersey - introversion vs. extroversion being where one gets one's energy. Another aspect of this is the multiplicity of types when you throw in the the other factors. (intuition, thinking, feeling,etc.)

What I've found, being a heavy duty introvert for years, is that as I develop skills in working with others, and get to downright enjoy others (in the workplace and elsewhere) the influence of introversion shifts and it is no longer a crippling deficiency. I think this is part of maturity, where we become what we were not in our youth, hopefully rounding ourselves out a bit in the process.

tol

by techwritergirl

It's true that introverts derive energy from being along and it can be hard for an introvert to find alone time in a tech field (unless one is a programmer). Still, there are things introverts can do.

1) Take lunch instead of working through it. Make sure you spend it by yourself. Also take breaks if they are allotted.
2) If you have a roommate or significant other who is home in the morning or right when you get home at night, explain to the person that you need 20 minutes down time to regroup before discussing your day or family issues, etc. Spend the 20 minutes by yourself.
3) Try to get your "social" time at work in when you have the most energy, specifically right after breaks, in the morning or after lunch when you've rejuvenated.

by jimpepitone

Since the introversion/extraversion trait was identified by Carl Jung, much has been learned about this genetically defined aspect of our human nature. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and The Big Five, both intruments that measure the strength and specific nature of a person's introversion/extraversion, have led to substantial research on this topic.

While many of the experiences and suggestions mentioned demonstrate a reasonable grasp of the reality regarding introversion/extraversion, you may want a more factual (i.e., science-based) understanding. If so, let me recommend the following factual yet readily accessible sources:

1. The book, Please Understand Me II, by David Keirsey, a clinical psychologist and professor now retired from Cal State is available at most any bookstores.

2. Keirsey's website http://keirsey.com is a treasure trove of further information.

3. www.capt.org, website for the Center for Applications of Psychological Type, which was founded by one of the authors of the MBTI to support continuing research, offers many fact-based resources on introversion/extraversion as well as the other three scales of the MBTI instrument.

Of course, you are welcome to dive into Jung's book and other writing on introversion/extraversion, however it is much less accessible.

Introversion/extraversion is an important and deeply personal subject that effects all of us, and it generally has substantial impact on our career success and personal happiness. It might be worth your while to get some more factual information on the subject.

by the_queen

Everyone says get out there, try harder. HOW? You can't get more introverted than me, but I have tons of confidence, except in social situations. What do normal people talk about? All the books say, ask about the other person, be interested. All that does is give the other person a chance to talk. We introverts just plain don't know what to say. If you end up talking to a group of extroverts, your lost from the get go. If you end up with introverts, your long gone, cause the true introvert, not the shy person, just doesn't know what to say to people, and then when we do talk, we end up shocking people (introverts who read alot, have lots of opinions). So where do you learn to talk???

by erichealing

This thread is taking the defensive route of the pros and cons of various character types. The fact is that most organisations are structured on as a pyramid and require the movement of people up that pyramid to allow people to move out at the top (retire) and come in at the bottom (get hired). Organisations like this kind of movement and it is often referred to as "up or out" syndrome.

As you move up the ladder interpersonal skills become more important as you need to clearly lead the people lower down the pyramid. Verbal skills and character type mirroring are key success factors in this communication.

My advice is to stick with the earlier advice to get yourself out of your comfort zone into more social situations and try hard to make small talk. Just because this is hard does not mean you should not try. The more you try the easier it will get.

To free enough time to do these activities you will need to lose some other more solitary activities. My advice would be to stop doing some activities that require lots of concentration and little face to face interaction. Our skills develop to meet our environment and deep technical skill are developed usually to the detriment of social skills. I believe that our character types are 10 nature and 90 nurture.

Don't sweat losing your technical skills too much, as you progress up the ladder you will find them less important.

by susan_h

Your comments had me nodding in agreement-until the last few
sentences. Not everyone who enjoys interacting with others
socially wants to dump their technical skills and move into
management. I've been to the edge and back (did everything a
manager does except the budgets.) I had excellent reviews from
my direct reports, client groups and upper management but I
much preferred problem solving to managing others and I finally
left the company so I could get back on a technical track.

I've also known many people who were very happy to leave the
technical behind--until they were downsized and found that
comparable positions were much harder to come by.

As other postings have suggested: get away from your desk and
talk face to face; before you jump into the business issue, make
a little small talk. At the very least say "good morning"; if the
person just returned from vacation, ask how it was (most people
do like to know you care); comment about the lastest 'art
posting' from the 5 year old. Of course you'll probably have to
limit small talk if you are dealing with another introvert.

As long as your technical skills stay sharp and you have placed
yourself above the radar your job should be a bit safer--barring
the mass outsourcing or business downturns that render many
expendable.

by charliespencer

"Don't sweat losing your technical skills too much, as you progress up the ladder you will find them less important."

And that, kiddies, is why I don't want to progress u the ladder. I got into Information Technology for the "technology". Once you start doing ROIs, performance reviews, strategic planning, you're just another manager, with job responsibilities no different from any other department head, further away from the technology that drew you into this field in the first place. Sure, you're making more money, but are you still having fun?

by blue-knight

Contact a local toastmaster's group and attend one of the meetings. The social skills for business are slightly different than the ones for asking someone out on a date. Toastmaster focuses on the skills needed to suceed in a professional setting. It addresses many areas, it has structure, practice, a guide explaining the details, plus very good feedback. It is not for everyone, but after one or two meetings, it will be obvious if they are a good match.

by borgmac

Toastmasters.org is a great organization with a local group likely to be located close by. Provides a laboratory for your communication development. Everyone should attend one toastmasters meeting and learn about this organization. Someone you know can benefit and your referral will make a difference.

by jjs

As a "Techie" I found it difficult to talk with others. I wanted to expound in-depth on one topic once started (for an hour if someone would listen) and the rest of the world just wanted to "Skim" the top.(They just wanted to know a small bit about me) I was also struggling with being able to make concise presentations. (Managers are bottom line people) I joined a Toastmasters group. Not only did I learn about making presentations more concise, but I also learned more about how to interact with others in the world. At first it doesn't seem like you are working on anything more than how to speak, but before you know it you've learned to listen and organize communication better. I've learned leadership from running meetings and how to mentor others in a positive way. Toastmasters is a working laboratory that is safe to attend (I went to a community club outside work at first) and participate in. Now, I'm a techie that is able to bridge the gap from the way the managers communicate to the way the techies communicate. It has been a great evolution of my career.

by buschman_007

Fellow introvert here. Like many Introverts have to make an effort to be more social. It's an important skill that has many benefits in life. I also agree that I've noticed two kinds of predominant introverts. The shy and well let's call them the imaginative. I'm more of the shy sort so that's who I'll speak about.

In my opinion shyness is just a lack of confidence. But if you're like me it's only certain situations where you feel your shyness. Women is a typical tough spot. I think a lot of this is learned response. If your Father, Mother, older brother or what have maybe was a little shy, then you didn't have a key role model to learn from. Then when you start out you get a few negative reactions at those key moments and your defense mechanism will pull you back to protect you from hurt. Personally I think that's all it is. So now you're gun shy or lack confidence in that situation, where maybe at work you are very confident because you are smart and a hard worker and it has been noticed and you have received the positive reaction you need to build your confidence.

I think the key is to realize you can be confident in any situation if you are mentally relaxed and in the right frame of mind. If talking to certain people, coworkers, women, bosses, groups, etc is your weak spot then there are techniques to help you with this. Meditation and/or hypnosis is one. Now you don't have to go in for the whole dangling watch deal. but they are good techniques to relax you and get you envisioning a positive outcome.

If a situation makes me nervous, like asking for a raise. I try and envision a situation where I feel very confident, like asking a vendor a question about an order I'm making. Who's nervous around a vendor? You're about to spend you're money with them and they always want to kiss your @$$ and make you happy. So reach a very relaxed state and try and envision yourself asking your boss for a raise, but replace your anxiety with the feeling you get when asking your Vendor a question.

Nervous about asking a girl for her number? Well reach your relaxed state and replace that feeling with the confidence you feel talking to your best friend or a close female friend. (disclaimer: if you do use a guy best friend, remember not to get so relaxed you comment on the nice rack that girl walking by just had. ;)

It doesn't have to be restricted to single question. You can relax yourself for entire conversations and use that euphoric feeling throughout to improve your conversational skills. Think about it, how many times have you thought of the perfect thing to say in a conversation you just had on the car ride home? yet when it's Thanksgiving time and you're with your family you are quick witted and the right thing to say always seems to just pop into your head. You never think of what to say on the way home because you said it or just don't care. In my opinion all this deals with your level of relaxation. The more relaxed you feel the more conversations just flow and the right thing will come to mind.

I'm certainly no pro, cause this is something I still struggle with. But I have found this method to be very helpful. Hopefully it will or is already is helping someone else.

Good luck,
Mike

by jonathanpdx

Ah, semantics...aren't they wonderful?

I used to be quite shy and actually still am. (I'm not going to say "introverted" because that's a completely different state of mind.) I realized that if I was ever going to get anywhere in a social-centric profession, I was going to have to alter my state of mind. So I started talking to strangers. On elevators, waiting in lines, wherever I was able, I'd strike up a conversation. Nothing specific, just small-talk. It didn't have to go anywhere, but I always kept in mind that if I made a fool of myself, I would most likely never run into that person again, or if I did, they probably wouldn't remember me, and I would LEARN from that experience. I've actually made more really good friends from doing that than I ever had before. I've been doing it for over 20 years and it has made so much difference.

Many people are in the same situation. Sometimes they are shocked that someone actually talked to THEM, and respond positively. Some are simply [put in a colorfully descriptive word here] and wouldn't acknowledge you if their life depended on it (their loss!) but you go on and keep practicing. Most people actually WANT someone to talk with, but are themselves too shy to initiate contact.

A number of people have asked me how I can just walk up and start talking to complete strangers like I do. I say "I just do it."

Jonathan.

Remember:
- "Your" is not "You're"
- "Their" is not "There"
- "Its" is not "It's"
Attention to detail can make all the difference!

by jrw_ssc

Kirk & Blue_knight have a great idea about Toastmasters. I may give it a try myself.

What helps me at times is to have someone "pry" the information out of me. Sometimes, it's my wife. Sometimes it's a trusted friend or coworker who is willing to wait to hear my answer.

It often takes me a while to formulate answers to things. By the time I feel I have something to contribute, the opportunity is gone or someone else begins to talk.

Participating in a study group or adult education class can help. For me, it is a BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) group. You have a lesson where you write out your answers first and in the discussion group, the facilitator (leader?) can call on you to have you share your written answer. No pressure on having to have the "right" answer. In a school setting, you will have opportunity for classroom discussion. A really good teacher can help draw you out and speak up.

Don't like to talk but love to sing? Join a community chorus or church choir. I guarantee that you will have something to contribute there!

What do normal people talk about? The weather. Katrina. The local sports team(s). Something they heard on the radio or saw on TV. A joke or light-hearted story. Work. The commute back & forth to work. Their family (kids/spouses/parents/in-laws etc.) A party or concert or other event that they recently attended.

So someone gets shocked at something you have to say because you have read a lot and have an opinion on a matter. If the other person is truly interested in what you have said (or just being "polite"), they may ask you how you came to your opinion. And feel free to not have an opinion on a matter, too.

I hope that this helps.

by eyecrawl

Being an extrovert is nothing complicated, it is just getting other people to feel comfortable around you and open up to you.

Becoming more social can be difficult, but it can be done. One of the easiest things to do is to try complimenting someone. It doesn't have to be a big compliment, but just telling people that you think that 'they did a great job handling an issue' or you think that 'their suggestion at a meeting was great' is a good way to get other people to open up to you.

Try to find common ground. If you can find something in common with people other than computers, even better. More importantly, Listen to people. This is somthing that can take work. My mind tends to wander a lot, and I have to force myself to pay attention when someone is talking. If people think you are not paying attention, then they will think that you think they are not important. If you can come back in a couple of days and ask 'how did your kids soccer game go?' or 'is your dad doing ok after his surgery?' then people will see that you were really listening and are making an effort to get to know them.

Also don't forget that sometimes it is more important to be around other people than to be monitoring the network or debugging that last few lines of code. If the boss and/or some co-workers are hanging out after a meeting discussing something (either work related or not), don't be in a hurry to rush back to work, try to make a relevent comment or two (listning is very important here). If you don't know anything about the topic, you can do some research and see if it is something that interests you, then next time you will have something to say. For example, I never cared for auto racing, but the 20 guys at my work LOVED it. I finally broke down and watched a race, now I watch racing most weeks and even go to a couple of races every year.

Being in IT can be hard to develop social skills because we are often stuck in a cubicle and studying to keep our knowledge current. Think of it as another 'certification'. It can be just as critical to job advancement as that next set of initials on your resume.

by morti

May I suggest you consider something that may sound completely off-track? Start your own network marketing business. Why do I say that? Many of the good companies who use network marketing to distribute and sell their products have great training systems. Those systems help people develop. In your case, you are not looking for an extra check in your mailbox every month but you are looking for the growth that comes from the training. So, forget about the money aspect and focus on the training and personal development. I heard a speaker one time say that one of the best things about becoming a millionaire is not the money but about the growth one goes through along the way to becoming a millionaire. Why not tap into that growth?
Hope this helps.
Jack

by tmcgrath24

Like some of the posts said, get up out of your desk instead of sending an e-mail, be observant, notice something personal on someone?s desk and make a polite compliment about a picture or a decoration on their desk. Compliments are always good to start a conversation. Learn how to read people. Take notice what some people are interested in. If it is a group of "jocks" mention a game....."small talk" I feel is about knowing how to read people. Their sense of humor their interest and so forth. Try to be observant Social scenes are usually uncomfortable for me...I put on the fake grin and the BS begins. Has worked very well for me. Been able to get along with the "techies" the "jocks" and "the desperate house wives"!

by catfish182

This is what i did. I would see what shows are popular and learn the basics of them. When people would talk about it in passing i would stop and just ask "isnt that the show about superman" (for example) and i would be honest in saying i never seen it and start talking. I did the same with movies and music. Music was the hardest due to my love of heavy metal and the dislike of pop music. But paying attention basic coming and going helped it along quite well.
What i also did was put myself in the conversation with out saying anything. In other words i would stand there and listen. Kinda boring and annoying but people do now think im a funny guy (which im not) and include me into thier circles while i still get to be the geek. I am refered to as the group geek also but i dont mind.

by msyi

I'm in a similar situation--I've reached the point where I'm not going to advance (or at least continue to enjoy my job) unless I get better at developing work relationships, discussions at meetings, convincing people to help me with with various projects (i.e., project coordination), etc.

A couple things that are helping:
*I became a Girl Scout leader. What I'm finding is that kids are "real"--they'll talk to you (and expect you to talk back) and you have to be real with them--you can't just nod your head a couple times and disappear into the corner. On the one hand, you might find them a little less intimidating because of their age, but they also don't give you any leeway--the second you lose them, they're off pulling the fire alarm or something! It's certainly been one of my biggest challenges, but it really forces you to improve your skills and gives you lots of opportunities. You also have to do a lot of interaction with the parents, and it gives you something outside of work & computers to talk about at parties and in the office. I think any job working with kids--mentoring, coaching, refereeing, etc., is going to enhance your skills.

*I joined Toastmasters, which I originally thought was teaching you just to make speeches, but it also teaches how to conduct meetings, give and receive praise and criticism effectively, and project confidence (which is different than & completely unrelated to being--or not being--confident). I'm just a little ways into the program, and it's really made a big difference.
*Learn to praise people effectively--don't just say, "Great job!" (which doesn't involve any thought). Be specific and you will come across as "genuine" (because you are). Say exactly what they did that was so wonderful and find ways to praise people even when their overall performance wasn't so hot. For instance, after a scouting meeting in which we didn't have that good control of the kids, a parent told me how much she appreciated my typing up notes to the parents every week to tell them what we were doing. This helped build me up and made me feel I was doing something right, and I really appreciated her and began feeling comfortable going to her for advice, etc. (which is what you want to happen to you at work).
*I think a lot of it comes down to projecting confidence--whether you feel it or not. These are a few things that have helped me in that area.

by ymatlosz

Me too! I've made an effort to become involved in my daughter's activities and it has helped me come out of my shell in the process. Having children gives you a common interest with just about everyone there.

Almost every volunteer organization needs someone who is internet-savvy and can find resources/opportunities/ideas for the group. They also need people who know how to construct basic websites.

Yvonne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A couple things that are helping:
*I became a Girl Scout leader. "

by magicmei

Regarding the discussion on "Personality and social skills" I agree that Toastmasters and participating in kids' programs are great for one's self development and networking.
I am trying to find ways to have the energy to participate because these activities require commitment of time/effort over a period of time. After daily work time that can extend to overtime/weekend (I'm in system support role); spending quality time with family becomes challenging leave aside finding time and energy for self and other groups.
I do some exercise (Pilates) whenever I can find some spare minutes and drink green smoothies; however over a while they seem to fade in their energy boosting capabilities.

Hoping to find less stresses and more time/energy for what I'd like.

by glennlnrs

Joining a toastmasters group near where you are, will enable you to talk to more people, and make new business relationships as well. Also, you will learn lots of things like presentation skills, listening skills, and also benefits such as impromptu speaking, which is great in social situations or interviews where you have to answer a question with no idea about the topic till the person announces it.

Hope you are still reading and the last part didn't frighten you away, though is a great organisation, to develop your presentation/social communication skills and also leadership skills too.

Previously, I have been very introverted and now not so much though once I have finished university in a couple of weeks, probably will go back to toastmasters as well.

by jvromant

Best investment I ever made in myself! You will be amazed how 12 evenings will enhance your people skills.

by ymatlosz

I'm introverted but most people think I'm an extrovert.

Being introverted means that you don't have a strong need to affiliate with others. It really has nothing to do with shyness or confidence.

My daughter is extremely extroverted (don't know where THAT came from!) and it's been eye-opening to see how the other half lives. She has a real social intelligence that I didn't start to grasp until after I was out of college.

I also think that as a female, I'm more often in the position of building relationships with other moms through PTA, scouts, church, etc. Men as a whole don't seem to need relationships as much as those of us with the double X chromosomes. I'm still introverted by nature, but have gotten better at making small talk, being approachable, etc.

I would venture to guess that most of our really great leaders have been intorverts who have acquired the ability to connect and align with others.

Yvonne

by sir_kardis

Being a very bad intravert myself, even going so far as being officially "diagnosed" as such, I can very much see where you are coming from. My best bit of advice I can give on this matter is to simply get to know some of the people. Get out of the cube/office/back room and go around and talk to people. Even going so far as to clean up a system here and there and just talk to who you are doing work for. You'd be surprised how quickly you go from that guy in the back room who doesn't know what he's doing to the guy that actually cares about the users. You don't have to go out and hit the bars or drink up a storm but just get to know the folks out there. Baby steps is the key. It's likely that everyone knows your name but do you know theirs?

Kardis

by rmccaa

Try to organize "outside of work" gatherings. Many times, it is easier for everyone to relax and communicate outside of the workplace. Plan a night to a restaurant, or out for a picnic. Try to pick something that fits your personality, yet doesn't alienate others - a more "middle of the road" approach.

Sweeten the deal and surprise the attendees by picking up the bill. Concentrate on having a good time.

When you're back in the high pressure workplace, you'll find that you'll reference the good times in anecdotes and inside jokes.

by ctos

Myself, I am basically and extrovert, but have an underlying introvert hiding inside!
My simple suggestions are: Make a point of talking to one other person at work each day at break time or such. Ask how THEY are and listen. Ask them if they have a family and listen. During this time, put a smile on your face and try to make it go to your eyes as well. Then take notes on what you gather, because basically that is what it is about...their name, family, what interests them when NOT thinking of work and being able to ask/remember these facts the next time you talk to them. Smiling with warmth will surprise anyone at the workplace that thinks you are self-absorbed or a loner or anti-social. Remembering who they are, or that their dog had surgery will absolutely blow them away!
In the meantime, just be yourself and add that tiny task to your day...you will be the best person there!

by wyldwezl

As I'm an "all of the above," you are quite right that one needs a hobby or some activity that puts you in a social situation. Two that happen to work for me are choir, both church and community chorus. Also, I play a number of instruments and have been in community band (flute) and a couple rock and country bands (bass guitar). Those work for me. And believe me, there's not much more that can help boost your confidence and satisfaction like musical performance. Of course, one would have to be so inclined musically, but I suspect (I don't have facts on this, though) that introverts are more musically inclined. (We were the geeky kids who would always go home and practice!)

by spinner of websites

"I'd imagine there would be a sharp decline in the birth-rate if all men tried to discuss the pros and cons of x.400 over SMTP with the boss? brunette secretary!"

What a sexist "pointy haired boss" remark! So much for posting a positive "this is how I over came my problem" response.

As to drago762 - I would reconmend being friendly to all you meet in a day - a smile, a quick nod in passing with the smile, a friendly "hello" in general with good eye contact. Be cheerful! (yes, I know that is hard when you've got deadlines) Yes, do get up and do face-to-face if possible. Also, eat your lunch with others in the lunchroom. You don't have to really talk on the subject, just look interested in the on going conversation. If you do have a comment, be polite and positive. These little things will go a long way to help you to develop social skills.

by that it man over there can tell you

Just offering some advice on what to chat about at the water-cooler. The guy mentioned women not liking shy guys - I was offering some topics of conversation, thats all!

(Walks away flattening his hair)

by librarygeek

It seems like there is a lot of conflation between an introvert, a shy person and social ineptitude.
The three can go together but they are not the same.
An introvert is simply a person who gains energy from alone time. If you come away from interacting with people feeling *drained* even though you have no anxiety -- you are an introvert. Introversion and extroversion are personality traits -- not skills. However, you can learn to be more out-going. Myers-Briggs testers say that if you've already had the test and remember your results the test is not as accurate. You can bias your answers without realizing it. However, my scores have become more extroverted compared to my scores 10 years ago. However, in the end I *need* my alone, down time to recharge. If I don't do that I get edgey and just crash. On the opposite spectrum an extrovert needs social interaction and will crash without it. Of course this is all on a spectrum and so there are extremes and all shades of grey. I

Shyness corresponds to anxiety about social situations -- not to the point of social anxiety disorder -- but to the point of worrying about what to say and how to act. When you are shy it is hard to get beyond how you are coming across to everyone else. You may always be a bit shy, but can improve shyness by dealing with the anxiety. Depending upon how anxious you are, you may need some degree of therapy. I tend to freeze when thinking about going into a new social situation to meet people -- for ex. a group is getting together to meet others at a coffee break. They have something in common but you have no way of knowing if there is enough in common.

I am much better than I used to be, but there are times I need a friend or S/O to go along that first time so I know *someone*. This is shyness, not introversion. There are many ways and methods of dealing with anxiety. There are introverts who have no anxiety about meeting people -- they just don't really want to do so.

Then, there are poor social skills. Any type of personality can also have poor social skills. Your personality type may affect how you display those skills. Your personality type may effect which types of situations you get more practice and so which types of situations you are most likely to be weak. These are the part that can be learned.
I have had to conciously make sure I get out of my cube several times a week to visit people in other areas of the agency. My job requires some interfacing, so I know people to go visit.
I do much better with networking with others that are librarians and techies because we do have something beyond chit chat to talk about. Someone did say learn to small talk. I agree that sometimes you need to do so. I had to learn as a young adult that people say somethings b/c it is expected -- not b/c they actually want a real answer. For example "Hi, how are you?" rarely means that they really want to hear how you are!
These little quirks took a while for me to grasp b/c I was not practiced. However, I can meditate and focus b/c of my introversion.

However, I do have some extroverted traits. For example, I am an extroverted thinker. This means that I tend to "think out loud" Some extroverts will do this in conversation; I tend to need to need to write notes and ideas, and "bounce ideas off of a trusted someone". My S/O is a VERY introverted thinker who will not share an idea or provide an answer until it has been turned every which way. Both of our styles can drive the other crazy. Negotiating that is like negotiating any other difference. I need agendas prior to meetings if I am going to be my most productive. THat gives me a chance to "think out loud" in a comfortable environment. So, I ask for an agenda and I deal with meetings well now. Of course, there will always be those times you have to interact "on your feet." I am learning that it's ok to say -- "You are saying...bla bla bla ok, I need to think this over and get back to you. This is dealing with larger issues -- not the the system is down something needs to be done now!
Neither extroversion nor introversion are good/bad. Both have strenghts and weaknesses.

by lampman55

Drago762,

Accept and understand yourself before you try to undergo such a dramatic personality change. If you 'become' more extrovert, aren't you just acting - playing a part that you are not? This will add stress to your workday as well as free time that will impact your job performance.

What may help you become more confortable with who you are, and thus more 'stable' in the eyes of others, is the Dale Carnagie Course on Public Speaking and Human Relations.

This will push you outside of your confort zone in a controlled environment with people just like you. It is a 10-16 week class that IS life transforming. While it won't make you what you are not, it will allow the real you to be more exposed, making it appear as though you are more extroverted.

Good luck. I have been there. With age does come acceptance of oneself, but who wants to wait!

Vic.

by el guapo

Couldn't agree mor on that statement that introverts usually get the ax first during leaner times.

Two jobs back, I got laid off from my department. Being the only developer in a department full of medical personnel, I really did not have anything in common with the rest of the staff, plus I was the only guy there. Despite most of their applications in use now were developed by me, and I'm the only knowing how to debug and modify these apps, they still laid me off.

by andy3626

You can?t change your core personality but you can learn to play a role while you are at work, but you will have to have quiet time at home to recover.

Carl Jung summarized the extrovert as someone who was energized by interacting with people, and an introvert as someone whose energy is drained by dealing with other people. The converse is true: Introverts gain energy away from people.
Introverts can learn to deal with social interaction adequately. However because of the negative rewards (loss of psychic energy) introverts don?t practice social interaction and thus when it is absolutely necessary their unpracticed efforts are like those of a child or someone from a different culture.

There are pluses and minuses, as with any normal personality characteristic. Learn to like yourself the way you are, use your assets to the fullest and learn how to compensate for what you don?t do well. For example, extroverts think while they are talking and later may change their mind; who knows? Introverts quietly collect information before making a decision and rarely change their well thought out decision once it is announced. Introverts can?t trust anything an extrovert says and extroverts are impatient to get the introvert?s opinion.

As some have said extrover/introvert isn?t the only personality characteristic to be considered. Carl Jung?s theories summarized most personality characteristics into three categories Extroversion/Introversion, Sensing/iNtuition and Thinking/Feeling. The mother-daughter research team of Myers and Briggs introduced a fourth term - Judging/Perceiving. Each of these are graduated scales and each of us is somewhere between the polar opposites. No one is a complete extrovert or complete introvert. Anyway, go Google Myers Briggs, take the questionaire and do some reading about yourself and those you work with and for. I'm an InTP and proud of it, but I've been a chief engineer, a supervisor in QA and in tech support.

by gnx

The problem today with people is they are emailing or chatting online and there is no person to person interaction. This seems to be getting worse. I ride the train in every day and see it all the time. Almost everyone is looking down at the floor when they are walking or staring at the ceiling. I do tech support for 3 offices in my company and I have to interact with people. Some are unsociable but I manage to get them to speak. It's like moving to a new neighborhood. Some of the neighbors have been there 30 years and don't know who lives next door. I think it starts when you are a kid and your parents never taught you the "social skills". Just like when you are at a ball game and you talk to the stranger next to you about that hit or homerun or out.

by patopp

We have a brilliant person that works here but he is very introverted. HOWEVER - he does show up to work functions. He JUST shows up. He's not the life of the event and he does not mingle but people expect to see him there. They do, however, notice when he doesn't show. Even if you're not heard, if you are seen you will be included. So at the very least, just show up. Once you get comfortable with that, you will begin interacting more. Good luck.
-PATOPP

by ordinarysoul

You don't have to become an extravert. You just need to reach out to people and start being aware about how you are being perceived, how people respond to you. Being an introvert has its own advantages in social settings.

Introverts tend to be more thoughtful than most extraverts. Introverts have an easier time processing their words through the brain before saying anything. A lot of extraverts have to work hard at this, but it's natural for most introverts. This is a very important skill to master. Nobody can ever take back one's words.

Introverts tend to be more perceptive of people's motivations and emotions. This gives us some additional wisdom in making decisions.

Many introverts I know are also more responsible and conscientious. It's probably due the tendency to think in broader terms about how our decisions and actions affect others.

What makes introverts less social is usually our energy level. We get tired with all the outside stimulations when the extraverts just get more and more excited. So we need to learn to manage our precious time and energy more carefully.

There are more strengths introverts have that I don't know about and didn't list here...

So start slowly, maybe make an effort to become aware of people's perception, motivations, and decision process for just an hour a day. You don't have to appear like an extravert, or to change your personality. You just need to reach for your full potential.

by maecuff

I haven't read all these posts, so forgive me if I repeat anything. First of all, I think it's great that you can see something in yourself that you would like to change. Most people can't or won't do that. It's easier to defend who you are than take an honest look at yourself and admit that there are things you would like to change.

I used to be horribly shy. I couldn't even call out for a pizza because I could NOT bring myself to talk to a stranger. Whenever I met someone new, I was convinced that they disliked me. I don't know what flipped the switch, but age 22 or there abouts, it dawned on me how completely ridiculous that was. And even if it were true, why should I care?

I started to FORCE myself to look people in the eye when I talked to them, it was uncomfortable, but I did it. I PRETENDED I had confidence, I just faked it until it became natural. I learned to really listen to what other people said, people LOVE to be heard.

And while looks SHOULDN'T matter, they do. Take a look at yourself, what can you improve? The better you feel about yourself, the easier it is going to be social.

Put yourself in a situation that forces you to deal with this. Join a theatre group, even if you don't want to act, they always need set builders. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, or any other organization that would put you in the situation of working closely with others.

It won't happen over night, and you might have some failures, but learn from that and move on. Watch how people react to you and try to gauge from their reactions if you are coming off as fake, or worse, creepy, and make adjustments from there.

Perhaps it isn't shyness that is your issue, maybe you just don't like being around people. I feel that way now sometimes, but even then, faking it will work. Be an actor. We all have it in us to that. Sooner or later, it will become second nature.

Good Luck

by mhasf

I use my technical prowess as my Ace Card. First off, in your work environment, use this to your advantage and be super helpful to those who are not. They will elevate you in their minds, which ultimately will elevate your self esteem.

by jared.ochs

Personality Development -

Quit being an a$$&#* to people. Treat them like you would like to be treated.

Social Skill Development -

For this I would suggest taking the Dale Carnegie course. This will not only help you in business to achieve the things you want, but also in life.

What do you do when people come ask you "Hey my computer at home . . ."

That is your chance to shine and become an extrovert. Smile more often and just be yourself.

Good Luck

by c-3po

Reading your post, I couldn't help but feel that you were demonstrating the misconceptions you were talking about in the text of your post. Yes, there are misconceptions, but you obviously side with the extroverts. Extroverts can sometimes be so full of themselves that they butt kiss their way to a good position. They can obtain a good position based on the fact that people "like" them without having anything to do with their skill set - that is not to say that they are not intelligent people and that many of them have skill sets possibly surpassing introverts, but they get the positions because they are boisterous and extoverted, not always because they know their stuff...

It's an age old debate. We're human. We judge on outward appearances and have a hard time digging to the core. Introverts merely feel the pressure and are put down because they have a hard time "expressing" their abilities.
I think introverts NEED to get out there more... I find it hard to do this personally, but it is necessary to show what you're made off to be recognized.

by that it man over there can tell you

I agree that sometimes people get the good jobs because people "like" them over their counter-parts but "liking" someone isn't enough to give them a skilled technical position - they have to show ability in the role too. Technical Ability + Likeable-ness (is that a word?)= more suitable for the job than someone who just has the technical ability. Fact of life I'm afraid.

And yes I'm an extrovert, sorry (he shouts).

by busy_bee

Many of us are good at what we do because we have expertise in some area. Chances are, we have all built some institutional expertise in how a specific piece of our organization runs or fits into the whole. This knowledge that we have goes beyond what we all learned in school or read in books, and deals with your how particular piece of the company works, and is of particular value to your organization. How many of us have people lining up at our desk or are tied to a pager? Why? Because what you know and think matters!

It probably isn't the whole recipe, but recognizing that what you think is valuable and of interest to others is a good first step. Volunteering your thoughts - taking the chance to speak up - becomes easier when you realize this and believe it to be true. This is the one thing that most stands out in my journey of getting out from behind the terminal and moving into management (8 years now).

by rbolman

I'm an introvert and darn proud of it.

I suffer from a slight case of social anxiety disorder. I literally get sick when put in a situation where I'm surrounded by people I don't know. Restaraunts, airports, movie theaters, they are all heck for me.

I recognized that my problem was a psychological problem with physical symptoms. This was all before anxiety became the new vogue disease that everyone seems to have according to the television commercials.

To overcome it, I began teaching PC related classes at a local community college. Since I was comfortable with the content, it allowed me to focus on the communication aspect of it. I've been doing it 2 nights a week for about 3 years now and it's going great. Students consistantly tell me that I'm one of the best teachers that they have had. My evals come back very favorably. And, as a side benefit, it's also opened up some doors for future job considerations.

5 years ago if you told me I'd become a teacher, I would have laughed in your face (and probably puked on your shoes), but I've enjoyed it immensly, and it's helped me out considerably.

Good luck.

by blitzsonik

Since when does being happy and confident have anything to do with arrogance?

I simply cannot stand arrogance yet I am happy in my environment and confident in my abilities both soft and hard!

Confidence ≠ Arrogance my friend!

by coderipper

Hi drago762,

I'm a technical person (a software engineer to be exact), and by nature I'm an introvert -- or at least used to be. I used to be the one who stands quietly in the corner and smiles to everybody else's comments -- unless when the topic of the day switches to technical subjects.

I'm now a business owner and like it or not I've to go through the transition from an introvert to an extrovert. I realised this when I've decided that being self-employed is my preferred career path.

Changing from an introvert to an extrovert is no easy job (at least in my case). What I did is that I start "learning how to talk" all over again. I pay great attention to specific words public speakers use, and the style of presentation public speakers practice. I went for professional events (i.e. product conference, technical road shows such as TechNet, OTD, etc) that has speakers making presentations to a large group of audiences. I pay attention to the way they speak. And of course, going out more with friends that are extrovert would help a lot as well. Paying attention to how your extrovert friends response to certain surprise questions and how do they approach people.

Those are what I've gone through. Today, people who just got to know me, never thought I was an introvert, as quoted by an interviewer to me, "...if you never had mentioned that you are a technical guy, I would never know. You speak very well".

I hope these would work out for you as well. Good luck there!

Cheers!

by placidair

If there's an acting school near you, go take some classes. If 6 months of that doesn't rip the shell right off and make you more comfortable in a group and under focus, chances are not much will.

by keyguy13

Way to go Nazarene! Physical exercise can make a huge difference. I know because I started doing the same thing. 3 months ago I had a medical condition looked at and corrected and so I had much more energy and a better outlook. So I started boxing at a gym nearby. It was a total departure for me, as the workout seemed impossible. But I just took it at my own pace and never gave up. Since then I have also quit smoking. I am now in the best shape I've been in since I was 17. I have much more confidence (on top of another program I took called the Landmark Forum) and have completely transformed my relationships with people. I love to be out in public now.

I think most people are introverted because they are afraid of, and don't understand other people.

Exercise and physical activity can produce results in strength and confidence that can translate to better outcomes in social situations.

by bernman93

You are looking too hard for outside ways of changing your personality. Introverts do not have to take up a new hobby just to learn to become more extroverted. Interpersonal skills are learned by having to deal with other people, hence ?interpersonal?. Most introverts lack these skills only because they are driven by the challenge of ?problem solving? which tends to be a very cerebral way of dealing with the world. The easiest way to gain the skills you are looking for is to take on the types of duties that REQUIRE you to have to look outside of yourself and deal with other people to complete.

This does not require you to look outside of your own workplace. What is does require is that you look for opportunities to manage projects. When you are the problem solver for a project, you can take the requirements given, figure out the answer by working with the small group of people you are comfortable with, with a very specific goal in mind, and stay focused on that goal. When you manage a project, you have to deal with forces that often seem completely irrelevant. However, failing to deal with those outside influences will be essential to your completing your project successfully. For instance, do you know who your CFO is, or what the budget for your department is? How much did your last project cost your company to complete, and did your boss have to change is budget to complete it? When you are looking for a technical solution to a problem, these questions may seem irrelevant. But I will bet you money that when your boss was talking to other members of management, these subjects of ?small talk? were discussed often. Small talk does not have to be mindless drivel, and that misperception is one of the things that cause introverts to "shy away" from learning it. A person that is good at small talk will actually have something substantial to say, however it is usually dealing with a topic outside of their obvious area of expertise or the apparent topic at hand. Introverts have the problem that we are "to the point" people. When we have a conversation, we are usually trying to either convince someone of the merits of our intended solution to get it approved, or looking for input on a problem we need a solution to. What is often not considered is that the solution we are proposing might be too expensive, or too time consuming, or any other number of factors could effect its viability. When we are taken ?off topic? into other areas we do not see as relevant, we tend to quickly get bored and frustrated. Once you have managed projects, you will learn to understand these diversions and your frustration should go away. You will also come to understand why your boss sometimes gets that ?deer in the headlights? look after about 10 minutes into your extremely important, highly detailed explanation of why he absolutely needs to?.. When you have time and budget deadlines you are trying to meet, you often do not have the time or available attention to hear long explanations. Learning to "surface skim" a topic is probably the hardest thing introverts can learn. I still can sometimes look at people I am talking to and see the glazed eyes when I get too in-depth on a topic. We tend to assume other people need to understand and are interested in the minutia of problems we are working on, when in fact they do not have the time to get that in-depth, because our issue is only one of several they have to manage. The better you can do that, the more valuable you become to your company as well. Most companies are looking for a person that can approach a problem from several angles to find a "good" general solution, rather than the one that tends to overlook those solutions in favor of the "right" solution as they see it.

I was as introverted as you could be. Anyone familiar with the military's MBTI personality test will understand what a "48" introvert means. However, I now look at myself and to the outside world, everyone thinks I am extroverted. What changed me was my 10 years as a naval officer. When you are an officer, you are not allowed to "specialize" in your job. I had more collateral duties than most people had as their primary job. Those duties required me to get involved in a wide range of areas, and that is where your "small talk" comes from. It is not necessary to give up your knowledge to be more extroverted. Indeed, you will need to learn to expand the areas you have interest in over time , and learn to discuss broad topics, instead of talking on the finer points. One other method you can use to do this is to read the front and local sections of you newspaper everyday. Not the whole thing, just pick a few articles and read them. While these may have nothing to do with you field of expertise, what is happening in the world around you should interest you. If nothing else, it will give you something to talk about besides the job.

by oisleach9

I have been classified as a nerd, a geek, and dweeb, and most other names from "That 70's Show" you can think of. In Highschool I carried a slide rule, and actually knew how to use, I was the head of the science club, and took electronics class in High School. I knew more chemistry and math in 10th grade than anyone else in the high scchool, I was constantly persecuted by Jocks, and abhor such people to this day. Enough about the past.
The process to becoming an outspoken individual, that seems friendly, and caring is practice, practice, practice.
Step 1: Act like the others
Step 2: Never ever present information as your own, instead read the trade journals and always present the information, opinion and facts as coming from them.
Step 3: If you have a good memory, and many of us do. Don't show off, it only causes jealousy acrimony and others will gang up on you. instead I have learned to merely ask questions

If this all seems like subterfuge, hiding, putting up a facade you are exactly right. But I had enough training, through being bullied, beaten, and simply intimidated by less capable more socially adept individuals to know the way things work.
The only time I am truly free to express myself, my opinions, and my training is when I visit centers of higher research. Sandia, SRI, Los Alamos etc etc then i am one of the boys.

by sschafir

I liked the ideas of joining groups such as Toastmasters and getting more socially involved with people. These are great. But can be intimidating for some. I used to be a programmer and was really introverted. Could only relate to other programmers. But then I switched to desktop support and network administration and had to learn to be more extroverted. Now I am doing tech support and speaking to clients on the phone where you have to be REALLY extroverted. It is difficult to just throw yourself into it if you are introverted.

My suggestion is to try the following books, first Personality Plus which will teach you about different personality types including your own and give you a better understanding of yourself. Then Talk is not cheap which will give you insight to how other people should be approached and perceived. Then How to win friends and influence people which will teach you how to relate to other people. You will still need to get out there and relate to others in the real world but these should help with the process.