Red Nose Day

pledges 1c per typo? That should raise enough for most of the Third World debt.

:D

Chili Eating Contest

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it:
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the
State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a
chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas
hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, &
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------

(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

add a small (or large if you want) amount of Dave's Ultimate Insanity to soft ice cream and re-freeze. It's fun to watch the faces on the unsuspecting guests trying to cool themselves down after a burger with Habanero Salsa on it (my speciality). It does make the beer flow...

Chili ice cream really is nice, by the way, served with strawberries and black pepper - trust me! Chili-mint-cocolate ice cream is good, too.

Roll-on summer...

...this "source" of which you speak? I have not heard of it!

Depending on the application, my preferences are:
1. Scorned Woman - not too spicy, but a little sweet.
2. Dave's - just enough oomph for general purpose application.
3. Kryptonite - the green's a little bitter, but the red's quite good in chili...in moderation.

I give Dave's to my dad on a regular basis, since he can't get it in his area. Couple of years ago, he had a family cookout. My brother was looking for something different to put on his burger, and grabbed the bottle of Dave's. He proceeded to slather it on his burger like it was ketchup. My dad and I both raised our eyebrows.

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"How hot could it be?"

"Uh..."

After my brother took a bite, the look on his face was priceless. He drank about a half gallon of milk after that...

This page has The Source. It's not Blair's but I'm not going anywhere near either!

http://www.chilliworld.com/ChilliWorld/FactFile/Scoville_Scale.asp

p.s. Check the typo on the Blair 6AM page "all are hand singed "

Whoa...that scale makes Dave's seem like ketchup!

I may have to upgrade to "Blair's Mega Death Sauce," at least! And "The Source" is definitely going to be purchased and placed in the breakroom for a little fun...

This stuff really could kill you or hurt someone badly.

First, it is $99 US per bottle.

Second, "This sauce comes with a disclaimer written on the box." Here are some, there are more on the box.

1. Due to the extremely hot nature of this product, I agree that they shall only be used as a food additive. These products can cause serious injury if directly consumed, ingested and/or applied to the skin, eyes, or any other bodily organs.

2. Any of these products are to be used at my own risk, and I fully understand the potential DANGER if handled improperly.

3. If I give this product as a gift, I will make the recipient fully aware of the potential danger if handled improperly, or directly consumed.

4. I hereby release, disclaim, and relinquish Peppers, its affiliates, its employees, its suppliers, distributors and/or manufacturers of any and all claims, actions and/or lawsuits that I, or any of my dependents, heirs or family members may have relating to any damage and/or injury that results, or is alleged to have resulted, from the use, consumption, ingestion, and/or contact of any bodily part or organ of or from any of these products.

5. I am not inebriated or impaired in any way, and I am fully able to make a sound decision about the purchase if these products.

how your warm humor goes over.

Another funny story (true of course)

I like my food to the point that I break into a sweat, my nose runs and my eyes water.

My wife (soone to be ex) gets heartburn off of mild tacobell souce.

I had a special batch of "dads sauce" mixed up while I was doing some cooking (dipping chips in sauce) and yes I do most of the cooking.

She walked up behind me, saw the "salsa" and took a BIG bite. As soon as I heard the choking I knew what she had done and damn it was hard not to laugh in her face. Too funny. It is alright to laugh because it WASN'T my fault! She knew I don't eat tomato sauce with chunks.

Is for SIDS {Sudden Infant Death Syndrome} and is pretty popular even though the cases of SIDS actually happening are dropping significantly.

The one I really like however is the Cancer Council which wants you to shave your head on a certain day for their charity. Up North the hairdressers/cutters will not cut males hair too short and it always has to hang over the collar to help prevent Skin Cancer and full beards are the order of the day to keep the sun off your face. But the Cancer Council in its infinite wisdom wants you to shave your head for them and give them the money raised talk about a never ending source of income. I just wonder who thought this one up as it is a guaranteed generational revenue stream coming in forever or until some better form of cure is found.

Col

But it did work out as funny didn't it? ;)

I thought I'd stick with the US spelling as most just wouldn't understand all those extra letters added in and I really don't really understand them all being left out. Like to me the proper way of spelling color is colour and that is one of the easy ones. :D

Talk about being separated by a common language. :( Well you have to admit that while it was the wrong word it was at least spelt correctly wasn't it? :D

Col ]:)

To a recipe that is used over here by a small home maker of "Hot Sauces" and I do mean hot.

These things are not only hot but actually discolor clear glass. We had a shop near by when a friend came up and insisted on buying a few bottles the size should have been a dead give away as they came in very small bottles about the size of mini bar scotch bottles but he just had to pour it straight onto his tongue as he could never have anything hot enough. ;)

3 days in the hospital and for some funny reason he never went near anything hot ever again. But he was warned. :D

Col ]:)

Now how did that happen?

Col ]:)

That's too funny! I don't understand why they didn't pick up on it. I thought that the word "wuss" had a commonly-understood usage...

From Merriam-Webster:

"Main Entry: wuss
Pronunciation: 'wus
Variant(s): also wus?sy /'wu-sE/
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural wuss?es also wus?sies
Etymology: origin unknown
: WIMP
- wussy adjective"

Maybe it's just a regional thing in the U.S., and they don't use it in Seattle. I dunno.