General discussion


Red Nose Day

By lumberjack ·
OK chaps and chappesses

Here in the UK it is about to be RND5 or Red Nose Day 5 - Big Hair and Beyond. Something that happens every two years or so - some of the UKs (and worlds) funniest people get together to raise money for various projects around the world.

with this in mind how's about some funnies - esp if they involve Noses, Red or Hair!

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Can I suggest that Oz

by neilb@uk In reply to Red Nose Day

pledges 1c per typo? That should raise enough for most of the Third World debt.

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Now give OZ a chance

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Can I suggest that Oz

If he had to pay for every typo he would never make enough money to eat let alone keep on posting here on TR.

We would have him in constant defecate and he would eventually go broke like within the first few days. Actually come to think of it with all of the corny old songs he's been using lately that just might not be a bad idea, I can just see him now saying something like

Thew answer my friend is blowing in the Wind.

or :)

The Times they are a changing.

Col ]:)

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How about

by neilb@uk In reply to Now give OZ a chance

1c/100 typos? That should - maybe - leave him enough to eat.

Red nose day in the UK - 11th March - is when you traditionally do something stupid for money which is then split between UK and African causes.

Underpants filled with custard for a day, shave off half of something, wear a dress or something outrageous to work, etc.

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Over here Red Nose Day

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to How about

Is for SIDS {Sudden Infant Death Syndrome} and is pretty popular even though the cases of SIDS actually happening are dropping significantly.

The one I really like however is the Cancer Council which wants you to shave your head on a certain day for their charity. Up North the hairdressers/cutters will not cut males hair too short and it always has to hang over the collar to help prevent Skin Cancer and full beards are the order of the day to keep the sun off your face. But the Cancer Council in its infinite wisdom wants you to shave your head for them and give them the money raised talk about a never ending source of income. I just wonder who thought this one up as it is a guaranteed generational revenue stream coming in forever or until some better form of cure is found.


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by Jessie In reply to Now give OZ a chance

I really don't think I want to visualize Oz in defecate... maybe in deficit, or debt... but PLEASE no defecate!!!

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Bloody American Spell Checkers

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Ewww!!!

But it did work out as funny didn't it?

I thought I'd stick with the US spelling as most just wouldn't understand all those extra letters added in and I really don't really understand them all being left out. Like to me the proper way of spelling color is colour and that is one of the easy ones.

Talk about being separated by a common language. Well you have to admit that while it was the wrong word it was at least spelt correctly wasn't it?

Col ]:)

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3rd world debt???

by mrafrohead In reply to Can I suggest that Oz

Try the US national debt... ;p

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Chili's red... right?

by Jessie In reply to Red Nose Day

Chili Eating Contest

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it:
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the
State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a
chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas
hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, &
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------

(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Jessie besides chocking

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Chili's red... right?

You should have saved that one for a Friday Yuk.

Right now I've got water running out of my eyes, constantly coughing and can hardly see from all of the laughing and conquest chocking.

Next time I'll have a look see who posted something before trying to have a drink while working on the computer.

Col ]:)

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by Salamander In reply to Chili's red... right?

Love this one...though Frank is a total wuss!

This assessment is provided by someone who keeps bottles of hot sauces with names like "Dave's Insanity Sauce," "Kryptonite" (red and green varieties), and "Scorned Woman" on hand to give chili just a little extra kick. I will admit that a little goes a long way, though...

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