Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Hello, I must be going.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Time wounds all heels.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Someone: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me too".
If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse
Go, and never darken my towels again.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Time wounds all heels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
My mother loved children ... she would have given anything if I had been one.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
"Seven? That many?" She blushed, and said, "Well, I love my husband."
Groucho came back with, "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while."
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did.
Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy..and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Women should be obscene, and not heard.
In a restaurant to a waitress: "Do you have frogs legs or do you always walk like that....
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's to dark to read.
Hello I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that alps themselves.
Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.
Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
"Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
How would you like to feel the way she looks ?
My mother treated us all equally ... with contempt.
Someone: "The garbage men are here" Groucho: "Tell them we don't want any".
Follow me men. Never mind men - just the women.
I like my women warm and my champagne cold.
Blood's not thicker than money.I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
Room service? Send up a larger room
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth"
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Man: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me too".
The last time I saw legs like that was on a billiard table.
We give em a seventy-five cent meal that'll knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want.
I drink to make people interesting.
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but found it too unwieldy.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
I'll never forget my wedding day..they threw vitamin pills.
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.
I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.
