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The fall out. . .

By swgoldwire2546 ·
I would like to take the time out to apologise for bitting everyone's heads there. It is just that I am having a personal fallout of my own initiative and have to roam the MTA New York City subways the whole night. . .

Before the subway roaming, I was grappling over the fact that I was unemployed, broke and in debt, yet I love to tinker with computers, programs, just to see what is like. I worried about dropping out of DeVry Institute of Technology and paying back the loan. All this because I have a two mental circumstances of autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder undiagnosed and unbeknownst to me ever since.

I have been brooding over the fact that I have not known these mental circumstances that caused me to crave company in wrong motives, my butting in of matters not my concern, my often slurred speech and poor handwriting, my chronic lateness to appointments (meetings of Jehovah's Witnesses included!), my disorganisation (to the point that almost I could not keep house or schedule), my procrastination, my sometimes hyperactive behaviour (after sweets, carbs or just plain caffeinated coffee), and sometimes absences from appointments. Yet I find computers and detailed art fascinating that I was interested enough to go for a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Engineering Technology.

I have told my mother regarding my being an habitual night owl (because of ADHD, sometimes I would stay up into the wee hours of the morning only to fall to bed at 05:30 a.m. and wake up at 02:00 p.m.) she reviled and scolded me for being irresponsible. True, but these mental circumstances sometimes make me irresponsible--I simply give in to their whims. What is more, in addition to kids picking on me, wanted to fight with me verbally and eventually physically (though that never happens) from fifth grade primary school (elementary and junior high schools) all through twelfth grade secondary school (high school), my mother to this day, has berating me about me being superstitious, assuming what she does not know.

Although I would not deny the fact there are superstitious folk around, I really don't care. She assumed I caused the superstition and was influenced by somebody who was superstitious--all because I had said something really stupid and false about a neighbour whom I rarely know enough to care, and I would really get disciplined for the wrong reasons (even to the point of getting spanked up to age 15). I would tell my mother the whole truth that I am innocent of the allegations and yet she still would not believe me. I held all that negative critism to my self that when someone would say something bad about me or pick on me (as with the case in school or home) I would go into temper tantrums, only to have them to pick on me even more--I even did throw two temper tantrums on my mother, one in late 1993, and early 2005. And when my mother would bring the subject up about me being superstitious I would not rather discuss it, saying I might go into a temper tantrum. My mother then say that me going into a tantrum is out of character and not going to get response. True, but whenever I am upset I would do that because I am uber sensitive of people's remarks (results from my autism).

I wish to tell my mother that this is nothing more than my idiosyncracies resulting from my mental circumstances, which my mother suggest that these are problems I have made up and still insists that I have no problem. I am not making these problems up as an excuse--I have no excuse whatsoever, for my mental circumstances of autism and ADHD are real. I have found out I have autism through research (not to dianose myself however) and from a coworker while working at Madison Square Garden. I found out about ADHD when I was reading about David Neelman, CEO and founder of JetBlue Airways having the same mental circumstance before my recent unemployment in the summer 2005.

I don't think I would ever find employment of any kind to the point of obtaining employment because the representatives of these companies and organisations (those doing the hiring in human resources) would not be able to understand my situation regarding the unknown mental circumstances and would likely to conclude that I have poor work performance. True, I am capable of work, it is just that my mental circumstances has affected my work AND school performance and it is intefering with the rest of my appointments and affairs.

So, until after I am fully and properly diagnosed of my autism and ADHD, I am not seeking nor obtaining any means of employment. And even after the diagnoses I am quite uncertain about going ahead with my employment.

I was brooding with the whole concept and negative experiences that while I got into bed, something fell off from my bed and I immediately in a blind rage ripped the covers of my bed, trashed my room and my walk-in closet, stomped and trashed the living room of my apartment, even throwing and destroying the seat and back of task chair in the living room so hard I have bored a hole in the wall I was angry and upset to the point of crying over the hurt I have suffered and how I suffered through these unknown mild mental circumstances.

After sitting there in the living room helpless and crying, I composed my self and got ready to roam the subways. I did walk as far as Ralph Avenue subway station because I did not want to hurt anyone the way I hurt myself (simply by offending anyone, like I did in the recent TechRepublic forums). After that I roamed the subways to see the rest of these stations and routes I have never been to before. All this before I headed off to school.

So if anyone out there in the TechRepublic crew has been offended by some of my posts this week, I humbly appologise. It was just that I am totally sensitive and vulnerable to be smarted (hurt) that I had to throw tantrums or lash out with some responses--I take things too literal like it was true. Plus I am not used to hearing any crude humour (I like decent jokes). True, I may have been out of character there, but I could not help acting out my feelings resulting from my autism and ADHD.

My recent post to one of jdclyde's thread is a humourous rant about myself, acting out of character, wishing I would die. . .

http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=185071&messageID=1891169

Once again, I apologise for the fallout.

Feel free to respond to this thread or make comments. If now it is the time for leave the forum, I really do not mind. However, I will post new weekly threads to subjects that are truly relevant to the topics and articles regarding technology and all things in the world.

I thank you and have a nice and blessed day.

-swg :)

The post-script: To Ms. Sonja Thompson. I appreciate you contributions to all things technology and what is going on in that sector. To Jocey, I understand your issues.

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About offending

by jdclyde In reply to The fall out. . .

You will find that MOST of the regulars will **** off any snubs at them. True, they will respond and snub back, but most won't even give it a second thought five minutes later.

While I wondered why you saw fit to go after me in a few discussions, it was nothing more than a curiosity. No hard feelings on my part, how about you?

Good luck with your issues. You may look at blogging as a good release. It did wonders for me when I was walking the edge during my recent divorce.

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That's another sign

by TonytheTiger In reply to About offending

of ADD. The inability to hold a grudge :)

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Offended??

by stargazerr In reply to The fall out. . .

Its all in good fun ....

Dont know about the others .. but I dont care about being snubbed sometimes (mind you, do not take this as an incentive to snub me :^O )

And dont worry, the sun will shine again :)

]:)

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Anxiety and various disorders

by jardinier In reply to The fall out. . .

I hear you, swgoldwire

I have been through some pretty weird stuff myself. When I look back on it (which I rarely do) I am amazed that I am still in the land of the living.

By choice, in the capacity of a counsellor, I have also had a lot of contact with people suffering various mental disorders.

I invite you to contact me through my Peer Profile so that you can talk in detail to someone who has had first-hand experience of some of the traumas you describe.

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and on we go..

by Shellbot In reply to The fall out. . .

we all have our things swg. i think you would find a lot of us posting in the Micselaneous board are just looking for somewhere to get things off our chests, or simpley release some of the stress of work and life. a lot of the time that involves off color comments or jokes, that some of us (me included) find funny. sometimes the best way to feel better is to laugh..
maybe in future when reading these type of posts try keep in mind that its meant to upset anyone, and take a lot of whats said with the perverbial grain of salt.
be well..

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stress relief

by TonytheTiger In reply to and on we go..

I had the best juvenile laugh the other day, and it felt good.

You see, I discovered the psexec command, and I used it to cause a certain .wav file to play on someone else's computer :)

As luck would have it, the person near the computer had his feet up on his desk and a visitor in his office. I was laughing so hard I cried for 45 minutes...

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cool..

by Shellbot In reply to stress relief

so i'm not the only person who cries when they laugh hard then !! fantastic..

best laugh i have is the scene in Porky's..where Pee Wee is running down the road starkers...need a box of tissue to get through that one.

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Help yourself

by amcol In reply to The fall out. . .

You're carrying around more baggage than anyone should have to.

I'm sorry for your circumstances, although all may not be as bad as it seems. You appear to have many unresolved conflicts stemming from childhood experiences, things that have spilled over into adulthood and are preventing you from progressing. I would strongly urge you not to decide for yourself without benefit of professional medical opinion what's actually wrong. You mention serious disorders and several times allude to the fact that they're undiagnosed...don't make things worse than they are. If you are suffering from these conditions you need professional help, but if you're just having trouble coping with life (a statement that describes most of the rest of us) that's an entirely different monkey to be carrying around on your back although you'd still benefit from professional help. Either way...you need help.

I gather from your communication patterns you're not American. I could be wrong, but being from NY myself I doubt very much you're from there originally. It's no fun being ill and far from home...get the help you need. Start by developing some sort of informal support system, if you haven't already. You need people in your life you can depend on to help you through the bad times when you can't cope by yourself.

You must seek professional help, and I urge you to get it in the strongest possible terms. Whatever your financial circumstances, this is not an option. You have too much going on to solve it all independently. Get the help you need, however it is you do that. Don't delay.

In this holiday season I wish you the best of luck in exorcising your demons. Don't give up, and don't worry if it takes a lot of time...which it will. Just get better. I'll be thinking about you.

BTW...stay off the subway, especially in Brooklyn and late at night. You're just creating more problems for yourself.

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I won't deny it. . .

by swgoldwire2546 In reply to Help yourself

Although I really do not need anyone's sympathy at this time, I can REALLY appreciate AND use the help and support. And you were right about my roaming the MTA New York City subways--I worry my mother and brother too much.

-swg

The post-script: I am really am an American citizen, born and raised in Brooklyn, NY. I just happen to be fascinated by British English a little bit more than American English, so I started using some of the Commonwealth English in my writings.

Speaking about my seeking professional help, is there any mental health facilities and support groups in and around New York? The fact that these will help me get closer to a proper diagnosis of autism and ADHD will be gladly appreciated.

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Help is a phone call away

by amcol In reply to I won't deny it. . .

NYC is a cornucopia of mental health professionals. If you can't find someone to help you, you're not looking.

If I were you I'd get a recommendation from someone you trust. These days everyone goes for some sort of therapy, so you shouldn't have to search too hard for a friend or a relative who's had a positive experience with a psychologist or psychiatrist or even a social worker (I'm talking about someone with an MSW, not some schlock with a shingle). There's no stigma to mental illness anymore, not that there ever should have been.

If you have no one you can ask...someone close to you, a clergyman, a family practice doctor, a specialist you may be seeing for something unrelated...call a local hospital and ask to speak to the head of the mental health department. That person will be happy to make an informed recommendation. My wife and I found our kids' pediatrician that way and he was superb.

Don't make your "diagnosis" a self fulfilling reality. You keep talking about autism and ADHD but there's many other conditions that can explain your symptoms. You may have a clinical problem, or possibly a pathological one. I don't want you to be disappointed if whatever's wrong with you (if anything) turns out to be something other than what you're expecting. The idea is to get well, not confirm what you think you already know and move on from there.

There's nothing wrong with a little sympathy, but just to set the record straight that wasn't my intention. Just offering some hopefully helpful advice as a concerned stranger, nothing more. Do with it what you will.

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