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The History of Australia -- according to John Winston Howard.

By jardinier ·
Several years ago I made the acquaintance of a very rare species -- an honest politician. He is Ian West, MLC, a member of the Upper House in NSW.

So here is Ian's version of how PM John Howard may view the History of Australia. Americans may not understand much of this, but Brits should get the gist readily.

This item is written in the context of the draconian Industrial Relations Legislation which has just come into force.

But what would Howard's History of Australia look and sound like? It's important we get to know Howard's History, so that we won't be doomed to repeat it.

Firstly, school children would need to warm up their voices - "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi." Repeat 100 times. Then we're right to go...

Early in 1770 the east coast of Australia came into being, through intelligent design, just as James Cook sailed over the horizon on behalf of the British Admiralty.

In 1788 Arthur Phillip raises the Union Jack in Sydney Cove, toasts the royal family and starts a housing boom. The use of convict labour is a shining example of an early deregulated Australian labour market.

In 1790 a soul-less man known as Bennelong spears Phillip, despite the goodly works and constructive approach taken by Europeans towards Aboriginals.

In 1808 one of the colony's leading entrepreneurs John Macarthur struggles for de-regulation of the corporate sector but gets arrested by Governor Bligh, who in turn is overthrown by some alcoholic soldiers and workers, who are appropriately crushed by Governor Macquarie a year later.

In 1810 Lachlan Macquarie sets about planning Hyde Park, the Royal Botanic Gardens and The Domain, which have pleasing fences and statues of great men.

In 1813 Blaxland, Wentworth and Lawson single-handedly discover the interior of Australia.

In 1817 Australia's first bank opens and in 1834 NSW sensibly adopts English law governing borrowing and interest rates.

In 1851 gold is discovered in Bathurst, then Ballarat and Bendigo, and in 1854 entrepeneurs wage struggle for deregulation of the corporate sector. However the whole thing goes a bit too far, and some people get a few weird ideas about independence. But they get their what-for during Eureka Stockade.

In 1856 the Australian economy suffers a huge **** with the introduction of an 8 hour day. The sky falls in. Things become so bad, men are forced to grow long flowing beards. Despite this, in the same year, the British Parliament gives the Australian colony the gift of democracy. To ensure good sense prevails, only free white men with property can vote.

In 1872 the telegraph is linked between England and Australia so we can stay in touch. The telegraph system is later proven to be inefficient as it's publicly owned.

In 1882 the Ashes are given to Australia by England, providing years of good, clean, enjoyable cricket. Repeat, "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi!"

In 1894 some white women are given the vote. Janette approves, belatedly. Also, Sir Robert Menzies is born.

In 1896 Australia wins its first Olympic Gold. Repeat, "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi!"

In 1899 there's a Glorious War in South Africa, and we're on our way to becoming a nation. "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi!"

In 1901 Australia is given the gift of Federation by the English, who are very charitable and understanding towards others. History shows this.

In 1906 England gives us Papua New Guinea, which is nice. We give it back in 1975, because it costs too much to run.

In 1907 the entire future of Australia is thrown into doubt when Justice Higgins brings down a decision for workers to be paid a wage they can live on. The sky falls in again.

From 1**4-18 we have the Great War. Lots of people get hurt. Lots of important people can't make the war as they're home studying law. We've grown up and are a nation at last.

In 1925 compulsory voting is foolishly introduced. What were they thinking?

In 1927 prima donna Dame Nellie Melba greets the Duke and Duchess of York with a rendition of "God Save the Queen" on the steps of the new Parliament House in Canberra. Three cheers, "Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah!"

In 1929 people with secure incomes grow rich as prices fall. Through their own personal failings, up to 30% of wage earners are out of work.

In 1932 the Sydney Harbour Bridge opens, allowing people in North Sydney to visit the Botanical Gardens anytime they wish.

In 1932-33 the "bodyline" series is held. It was a legitimate use of the rules - business is business. It was only a couple of bruises and people should get over it and move forward.

In 1939 our second Glorious War is held. We defend ourselves in Singapore and Papua New Guinea, and get to meet General Douglas Macarthur. He moves to Brisbane in 1942 and commandeers our troops and the war from there. Also, Sir Robert Menzies becomes Prime Minister for the first time. He couldn't make it to our first Glorious War because he had to stay home. So he decides to visit England to help run the second one and gives the Prime Ministership to someone else.

In 1945 the Downer family announces they have single-handedly won the Second World War.

From 1949 to 1966, Sir Robert Menzies is elected and Golden Age begins. First white picket fence built.

In 1950 the threat to our way of life is seemingly no greater - the Communists are amongst us. Sir Robert Menzies introduces the Communist Party Dissolution Act.

In 1951, the people vote against Sir Robert Menzies' referendum on Communism. It shows you can't trust average people to manage their affairs, they need Tories to do it for them. And it provides me a helpful lesson for defeating those Republicans 50 years later.

In 1956 Television arrives - good, clean, black and white TV. Sensibly, the first transmission is by Packer's channel 9. Also, Melbourne hosts the Olympics (although I thought London put together a better bid).

In 1958 Sir Robert Menzies promises to investigate using decimal currency, and 5 years later agrees.

In 1962, the threat of Communism is ever so real. Australia could be the next domino. Sir Robert Menzies sends Australians to help the South Vietnamese organise.

In 1964, all males over the age of 20 must register for national service. The threat of Communism at this point is very real, so conscription is okay in these circumstances. Nobody likes Governments telling them what to do, unless of course it's a Conservative Government.

In 1965, the takeover of South Vietnam would be "a direct military threat to Australia," not to mention property values, so Sir Robert sends another 1500 Australians over. He can't go himself, and neither can many other people I know.

In 1967 I start going to protests, protesting against protesters protesting against the Glorious War against Communism. I grow my first eyebrow!

In 1968 we win the Vietnam War! Dad's service station is saved from the Commies! I grow my second eyebrow!

In 1967 we start counting Aboriginals. Tough job though, the buggers are hard to find.

In 1970, I leave home and move in with Janette.

1972 to 1975 didn't really happen. I'm fairly certain we won the Vietnam War.

Thank goodness for the Governor in November 1975, when sense prevails and the Queen's representative sacks the Government (which I'm pretty sure was full of Communists).

In 1977 World Series Cricket started. Bit of a tough one this, I prefer 5 day tests, but it was Kerry's idea, so couldn't really say that much.

1983 to 1996 didn't really happen either. Country gripped by socialist demagogues.

In 1996 good sense prevails and I'm elected Prime Minister of Australia. Janette and I get to live in two taxpayer-funded houses so our kids can go to school (although they've since left). I make good friends with a woman called Pauline.

In 2000 I introduce the GST, which is a nice flat tax, and everyone can understand it.

In 2001, the Tampa arrived and saved my arse.

In 2003 I defend Australia from more destitute boat people and Arabs. Australia's a lot safer now.

In 2004 I decide who comes to the country and on what terms. Repeat "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi!" Also, I get to do whatever I want from now on, as long as "Dubya" agrees.

In 2005 my Party, the Liberal Party of Australia, decides it really wants me (maybe I could become Emperor?), and I re-regulate the Australian labour market in my own image.

In 2006 I've got to do everything myself. And no-one told me about that wheat thing either.

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I'm not familiar with all the local stuff

by Tony Hopkinson In reply to The History of Australia ...

but I'm seeing your point.

About the cricket, you forgot to mention his felings on the rule chnage about under arm bowling.

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you forgot the part

by mjwx In reply to The History of Australia ...

where his eyebrows joined to become one megabrow. The same unibrow which now benevolently lords over the australian working public.

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Actually I didn't forget anything

by jardinier In reply to you forgot the part

As clearly stated, the author of this satire is Ian West, MLC, NSW.

However I appreciate and agree with your comment. :)

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sorry jules,

by mjwx In reply to Actually I didn't forget ...

It was a long post and I forgot about the bit at the top.

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That's OK

by jardinier In reply to sorry jules,

Ian West is such a nice guy that his comments on Howard are quite mild compared to what I might have come up with.

Check out Ian at

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