The Impure Friday Yuk

How long it will take for someone to start it ...

I love the sandpaper one GG ... brilliant .. Here are some more turners (wont say "What" turners ;) )

NIGHTMARE #1:

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

NIGHTMARE #2:

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know."
He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake my mother".

NIGHTMARE #3:

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her,

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

So I'll let someone else do all of the work

http://www.atlantaga.com/cgi-bin/genlim.per

Refresh the page for more...

:p

It clues me in to stay away from the whole thread.

BTW, US_geek, I think nightmare #2 would be funniner if the wife said "my mother". Ewwwwww, mothers-in-law!

Here are some romantic lines you can use to brighten your holidays..

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Christmas card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my wh*re.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

From: Nick Wall
Sent: 02 November 2005 09:27
To: Emily Bodenham; Sarah Harriss; Simon Stacey
Subject: Pure Genius......

Read:
Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping
that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally
strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you
hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say
or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth
Chris Tierney
Sr. Account Executive

---
REPLY:

Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid
thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for
a h! and job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you
on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
you do.

Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad
Nick Wall

And in an odd way, I understand. My MIL, though I love her dearly, drives me insane. She means well, but she is a control freak and whenever she comes to visit, I get a non-stop commentary on how I just don't quite measure up.

My mother, on the other hand, doesn't critique everything we do, she just has a rather gloomy outlook on many things and tends to be somewhat of a downer.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.The 80-year-old says,
"I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was
in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two
shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of
rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?.... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed
an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and
the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would
henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day.... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate
moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT.... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now.... what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.

Original Raisin Bread
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to
reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as He surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread,
one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests
his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady
seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for
raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and
thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops
and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst
the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a
quivering'......."

The postings above are crude lite. The site below is industrial grade. have fun

http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/

One day, a father and a son are walking in the park. They come across a pair of dogs that are in the act of procreation.

"Daddy, what are they doing?" asks the son.

"They are trying to make a little puppy together" responds the father.

Later that night, a terrible thunderstorm rolls through, and scares the boy from his slumber. He runs into his parents room, and happens across them in the process of making love.

"Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?" asks the boy.

The mother replies "Daddy and mommy are trying to make you a little sister".

The boy ponders for a moment, and says "Well, mommy, can you flip over? I'd rather have a puppy".

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But
Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians ! in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
50 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend! and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
(alternative answer)
The smell.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

[i](for us_geeks)[/i]
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

[b][i][u]A new element has been discovered!!![/u][/i][/b]

The recent hurricanes and skyrocketing oil and gasoline prices helped to
prove the existence of a new element. In early October 2005, a major
research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called 'morons' which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called 'peons.'
Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to
complete, when it would normally take less than a second!

Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay; but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons
and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will
actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming 'isodopes.' This characteristic of
moron promotion leads most scientists to believe that Gv is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as 'Critical Morass.'

When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes "Administratium' (Am) - an element
which radiates just as much energy as Gv, since it has half as many peons
but twice as many morons.

If you want to make it a tad more impure; think arseholium.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Three guys go out drinking one night. The next morning they're around the water cooler all hung over discussing the night before.

Guy 1: Oh, man. I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks!

Guy 2: That's nothing. I was so wated I walked into the wrong house.

Guy 3: Ppsshht...so what. I was so wasted, not only did I walk into the wrong house, I slept with someone elses wife.

Guy 1: I think I have you both beat.

Guy 2&3: How do you figure? All you did was go home and blow chunks.

Guy 1: Guys, you don't understand...Chunks is my dog!

just wishing you all a happy friday...

as I wait here for a meeting that my boss was supposed to start 20 minutes ago...as he talks to the FedEx guy about his son and his apartment dilemmas in Tampa.

I'd use harsh language right now, but then I'd be labelled something else too.

peace out. I'm going to be pissed off some more.

After all, they do say the first step to fixing something is to recognise that their is a problem.

Now that you are no longer in denial about yourself we can start to make some progress here! :\

Merry Christmas, over and over and over.

Knows her place now will you arrange lessons for mine? :p

Col ]:)

Nut 'N Raisin Honey

...not THAT impure, I know :-)

Two nuns are on their way to the US for the first time, and get talking to the air stewardess, She tells them that as they are going to be landing in New York they have to try the world famous New York Hot Dogs.

So eventually the plane lands and the nuns make their way out of the airport where they see a Hot Dog stand. Eagerly they both order a hot dog, as the first nun looks at the hot dog she starts to giggle and askes the second nun

Which part of the Dog did you get?

"I can't! It's too big!"

"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

"Control, control! You must learn control!"

"Possible he came in through the south entrance."

"I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

"When I met you I was but the learner. Now, *I* am the master."

"This little one's not worth the effort."

"The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master."

"Look at the size of that thing!"

"You've learned much, young one."

"Having trouble with your droid?"

"Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for...sister!"

"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

"Where are you taking this... thing?"

"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

"Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"

"I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

"Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

"You've got something jammed in here real good."

"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

"Sorry about the mess..."

"There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

"Hurry up, golden-rod..."

"Hey, point that thing someplace else."

"There is good in him, I've felt it."

"Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."

"Back door, huh? Good idea!"

"She's gonna blow!"

"I think you'll fit in nicely."

"She seems to be on top of things."

"What took you so long?"

"If you spent as much time practicing your saber techniques as you did your

wit, you'd rival Master Yoda as a swordsman."

"If Obi-Wan caught me doing that, he would be very grumpy."

"Ani? My goodness, you've grown."

"Your clones are very impressive. You must be very proud."

"It's no good down here, I can't maneuver!"

"Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!"

"Lord Vader... Rise."

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's c___ is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"!

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out . . .

"I'll be damned . . .
My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"!