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  • #2257425

    The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

    Locked

    by jdclyde ·

    Well, if everyone else gets to do it, well by duck, so can I! ;\

    Here are a few for both the guys and the gals!
    ———————————————–

    Everytime I find Mr Right my husband scares him away.

    The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one.

    Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring.

    The secret of a successful marriage is incompatability. He has the income, you have the patability.

    When a husband’s words are sharp, it may be from trying to get them in edgeways.

    If Love is Blind and Marriage is an Institution, then Marriage is an Institution for the Blind.

    A man tells his wife of 15 years that it feels like they’ve only been married for 5 minutes the wife says thats so sweet and he says yeah 5 minutes under water.

    My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

    How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog – you know he’ll shut up when he comes in.

    A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him. Finally the guy gives up and pulls over. The now PO’d cop walks up and yells at the guy, “What’s the big idea?” The guy responds, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” he said, “and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!” “Off you go,” said the officer.
    [b]
    The happiest time in a man’s life is that period of time between his first and second marriage. The problem is … he doesn’t realize it, until the second marriage![/b]

    Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

    A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

    Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to exercise daily, have a much better diet stop drinking, smoking. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.Now I want a divorce, because I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough or me.

    The definition of alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

    I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years…then we met.

    After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice”.
    [b]
    An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix,. they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it’s removed you find you didn’t need it anyway!

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #3215309

      I absolutely will NOT post here

      by dmambo ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      I don’t want to add the the proliferation of Yuks. Remember the old days when only Oz posted the Yuks?

      Hey, JD, you might want to fix the first one-liner to avoid perpetuating your rep. 😀

      • #3215294

        Hey, everybody, over here, jd’s got a husband!

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to I absolutely will NOT post here

        he said so in the first line of his Yuk post!!

        He’s admitted it…….

        He’s outta the closet !!! :p 😀

        Out you come, jd, come on, come on babz, out you come….

        😡

        GG

        Dangermouse – don’t ever leave an option for me like that on a Friday, you know how rampant my Fridayitis can be… :p

      • #3215290

        HEY HEY HEY!

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to I absolutely will NOT post here

        I SPECIFICALLY said “Here are a few for both the guys and the gals!”

        See what I get for trying to put in a few for the women folks! X-(

        Just whatever you do, don’t tell Neil that my yuk is better than his. No sence making the lad cry now, is there? 😀

        • #3215274

          So long as mine is better than TechMails!

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to HEY HEY HEY!

          That will be enough… :p

        • #3215259

          Of course it is, Neil

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to So long as mine is better than TechMails!

          As you posted in Geordie. 🙂

          Significantly superior. Absolutely. Nothing better anywhere.

        • #3215253

          Nothing better

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Of course it is, Neil

          except for mine of course! B-)

        • #3215254

          Neil, I don’t think you

          by old guy ·

          In reply to So long as mine is better than TechMails!

          ever have to worry about that. However it is a little unfair to take advantage of the totally disadvantaged. http://tinyurl.com/ewy95

        • #3215221

          Of course yours is better

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to So long as mine is better than TechMails!

          but isn’t that like shooting fish in barrel? Shouldn’t you raise that bar a little bit?

        • #3215219

          Nah, I’m being a non-confrontational, tree-hugging sorta chap today

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Of course yours is better

          So, Que sera sera…

          😀

        • #3215217

          Blast, I’ve just realised I’ve pumped JD’s thread!

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Nah, I’m being a non-confrontational, tree-hugging sorta chap today

          🙁

        • #3215200

          You’re a funny

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Nah, I’m being a non-confrontational, tree-hugging sorta chap today

          m*ther f*cker, aren’t you???

          Dammit, Neil. It’s Friday! I deserve better than that!

        • #3215144

          Which was better?

          by onbliss ·

          In reply to Nah, I’m being a non-confrontational, tree-hugging sorta chap today

          Anyone know? The 1934 or the 1956 movie? I saw the 1956 version. Though I have not seen the 1934, I think I will be biased towards the 1956, as I am a big fan of James Stewart.

          Edited: content

        • #3215064

          Depends on who you ask

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Which was better?

          From http://tinyurl.com/z7rnz

          “Hitchcock personally considered his 1956 remake to be superior, saying that the 1934 version was the work of a talented amateur, the 1956 version the work of a professional. However the original is preferred by some film critics, due to its shorter running time, concise storytelling, and charm.”

          If you’re a fan you must have seen this famous photograph. http://tinyurl.com/mxpyd

          The photographer, Slim Aarons, died May 30, 2006. He had an interesting life.

          Trivia from the Wikipedia link above:
          “Alfred Hitchcock’s film, Rear Window, whose main character is a photographer played by Jimmy Stewart, is set in an apartment reputed to be based on Aarons’s apartment.”

        • #3215029

          Nope.

          by onbliss ·

          In reply to Which was better?

          I have’nt seen that photo. “Rear Window” was a gem. And apart from the Hitchcock+Stewart combo, I remember…. oh well …I should’nt start talking about Stewart.

        • #3215002

          I just saw that picture for the first time

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Which was better?

          Wednesday or Thursday myself. I followed a link from digg.com or someplace. Can’t remember. The price for a 20 X 24 unsigned print from http://tinyurl.com/hl8ey for $1250.00. :0 Signed copies are available. B-)

    • #3215293

      JD + Mature..

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      Something is amiss.

      • #3215287

        You know me, Mae

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to JD + Mature..

        Mature and dignified! ;\

        • #3215199

          Double post

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You know me, Mae

          oops

        • #3215197

          Yep

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You know me, Mae

          those are the two words I would use to describe you…

          Well..those and one other 3 letter word. (You actually have your choice of TWO 3 letter words..you pick).

      • #3215285

        Not JD

        by dmambo ·

        In reply to JD + Mature..

        If he has a husband, he’s not amiss, he’s a Mrs.

        😉

    • #3215286

      jd was been interviewed

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      He was being interviewed by a British journalist. The journalist asked, “What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'”

      JD replied, “They aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, ‘What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.

      They are very much like the French.

      ————

      There ya go. this should help. We need to get your macho quotient up a bit, you know.

      • #3215273

        Neil

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to jd was been interviewed

        I like it! 😀

        Macho quotient. Ok, got my gold chains on and my shirt unbuttoned again! ;\

        Was going to quote Steve Martin, but saw how that would have turned out and figured no sence giving anyone a lob pitch like that! B-)

        • #3215141

          Gold chains…shirt unbuttoned? Uhhh

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Neil

          I think he said “macho” quotient…not “disco” quotient. 😀

    • #3215247

      after 54 years

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      Morris calls his son in NY and says,” Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don’t want to discuss it. I’m merely telling you because you’re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I’ve made up my mind, I’m divorcing Mama.”

      The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. “I don’t want to get into it. My mind is made up.”

      “But Dad, you just can’t decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?”

      “It’s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you’re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don’t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
      her. It will spare me the pain.”

      “But where’s Mama? Can I talk to her?”

      “No I don’t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven’t told her yet. Believe me it hasn’t been easy. I’ve agonized over it for several days, and I’ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.”

      “Dad, don’t do anything rash. I’m going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won’t do anything until I get there.”

      “Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I’ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can’t bear to talk about it anymore.”

      A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. “Benny told me That you don’t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won’t do anything until we both get there.”

      Morris promises.

      After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, “Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?”

    • #3215242

      Grounds for divorce?

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

      She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

      “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

      “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

      “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

      “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

      He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

      “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

      “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

      “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

      “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

      “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

      Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

      “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.

    • #3215239

      I want a divorce

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      A married couple were driving down the freeway. The husband was driving, and the wife was in the passenger’s seat. The husband said, “I want a divorce.”

      The husband didn’t say a word, he just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.

      The wife said, “I’m taking the kids.”

      The husband didn’t say a word, he just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.

      The wife said, “I’m taking the house.”

      The husband didn’t say a word, he just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.

      The wife said, “I’m taking all of our savings and stocks and bonds.”

      The husband didn’t say a word, he just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.

      The wife said, “I’m going to get full support.”

      The husband didn’t say a word, he just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.

      The wife looked at her husband and said, “Don’t you have anything to say.”

      The husband said, “No, I have all that I need.”

      The wife said, “What do you mean, I’m asking for a divorce, I’m taking the kids, the house, our savings and stocks and bonds, and I’m going for full support. What do you mean, you have all that you need.”

      The husband said, “I have the air bag.”

    • #3215232

      Well, as I’m ten posts up – even with you posting a storm

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      Have this one on me.

      ————

      JD is out with his boys, looking for a place to hunt. They pulled into a farmer’s yard and JD went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on this land. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?

      JD said, “Sure” and headed for the car. Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his lads. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” A second shot rang out from the passenger side and Thing One shouted, “I got the cow, Dad!”

    • #3215226

      Check out the “Hot Discussion” list

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      it has officially been hijacked by the Yuks!

      What a thing of beauty! 😀

      • #3215218

        Of all the low-down dirty tricks

        by dmambo ·

        In reply to Check out the “Hot Discussion” list

        They pulled all the Yuks from the Hot list 🙁

        • #3215171

          TR, That is low-down! – A Boycott!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Of all the low-down dirty tricks

          It isn’t like any of them were terribly off-color or anything! X-(

          Besides, if there was something for all of TR to look forward to at the end of the week, it might be that added push in participation that they said they wanted!

          Oh yeah, I am sure the top seven will be a big draw today, NOT! I know I won’t be going in anything but the three and a half yuks for the rest of the day! So there! :p

          I would invite all regulars to do the same in protest!

        • #3215137

          Since they are no longer listed in the “hot”list, and

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Of all the low-down dirty tricks

          I wouldn’t want to miss any…just for clarification, there is:
          – Friday Yuk from neilb
          – Super Friday yuk from Techmail
          – Mature Friday Yuk from jdclyde
          – Don’t post in Techmail’s yuk

          Did I miss any?

        • #3215133

          There should be a law

          by dmambo ·

          In reply to Since they are no longer listed in the “hot”list, and

          The only legitimate title of a Yuk should be “Friday Yuk”. There need be no embellishments to this. Ergo, this week’s only true Yuk belongs to Neil.

          All the rest are bastard Yuks.

        • #3215105

          Nice avatar…please explain.

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to There should be a law

          Oh, and I still think YOU should start them, Mambo! We apparently need a leader.

        • #3214975

          At one time

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Nice avatar…please explain.

          Oz would start this every friday. We would have some decenters crying in the beer because in THEIR time zone (the aussies) the day was just about done.

          We would get a rogue yuk here and there, but most got ridculed for posting in “network adminstration” or some silly such thing.

          Now Oz has either less time or less interest in TR and isn’t around as much, so the flame has been passed to whom ever cares.

          As for avitar, the ratfink must have traded sex-for-mugs or something, as REAL members have not been able to receive such favor. :0 All I have wanted was a friggen black TR shirt, and I am more than willing to PAY for it, so it isn’t like asking for the free-bee that the once pure one has gotten! :_|

        • #3215083

          And you didn’t

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to There should be a law

          have someone take a picture of you balancing it on your head?? Pretty good though.

        • #3214976

          This is an OUTRAGE!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to There should be a law

          They sent the pure one a mug and not me?

          There is a conspiracy at foot here!

          X-(

        • #3214978

          That would be it for this week

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Since they are no longer listed in the “hot”list, and

          unless someone started one that I missed! 😀

      • #3214994

        Solving my varmint problem:

        by ontheropes ·

        In reply to Check out the “Hot Discussion” list

        Plan A: http://tinyurl.com/j4fbc

        Plan B in case that doesn’t work: http://tinyurl.com/zl5gy

        Plan C planning ahead: http://tinyurl.com/kff65

        Plan D if all else fails: http://tinyurl.com/jrcbo A case oughta’ do it.

    • #3214972

      messages on the bathroom wall

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      message this read to trying for a$$ dumb
      your at laugh and back sit i where point
      the is this.

      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .

      .
      .
      .
      .
      ..
      (NOW READ THIS BACKWARDS)

    • #3213432

      The NEW Rules to live by

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to The MATURE Friday Yuk :D

      George Carlin’s New Rules for 2006

      New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

      New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

      New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

      New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope.
      If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
      If you’re a grown man , they’re pictures of men.

      New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

      New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
      Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

      New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is
      now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
      Social Security crisis.

      New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy,
      half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge a$$hole.

      New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount,
      deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
      Joy.

      New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it
      translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual You’re just high.

      New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
      because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already
      doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

      New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

      New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
      so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

      New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
      Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

      New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands

      New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place

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