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Thursday Yuk

By tryten ·
For those of us not working tomorrow, or who have just experienced a horrific week like I have.
Here is something to at least make you chuckle.

~~~~~
A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing
how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you Linda." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I
live...eat... sleep... and breathe golf."

"Well..." Linda said, "since you're being honest, so will I. I'm a
hooker."

"I see." he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said.... "It's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
~~~~~

DATES and DAUGHTERS

10 Simple Rules for dating my daughter
***********

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
***********
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
***********
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
***********
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate:
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
***********
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
***********
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
***********
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
***********
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns
within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or Happiness. Places where the ambient temperature
is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
***********
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
***********
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tells me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~

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You think that's funny..

by Old Guy In reply to Thursday Yuk

I live by these rules! My "baby girl" may be 21 now but she's still my baby girl!

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Right

by tryten In reply to You think that's funny..

You see I do not own a shotgun. I do however own a M16A2, P90, and a Desert Eagle 50AE. All mounted on a wall visible from my front door. If that is not enough of a deterant I usually take them into the back room where my silhouettes are mounted and have a nice little chat about why my child was not brought home to me at the specified time.

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People wonder why

by jdclyde In reply to Thursday Yuk

when I tell them I prayed for boys and got them. There is no way in he11 that no girl of mine would EVER go out with a guy like me.

I can't help but think of the things I did to other peoples daughters! ]:)

Dating? Sure, after she is 30 and married!

My bud has a little girl, about a year younger than my twins. Told him the one day, "yeah, won't be long before my boys are coming down the street to ask your daughter out. And they are brothers, they share everything!"

This got him scared and thinking for the first time what he had gotten himself into!

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Think of this...

by tryten In reply to People wonder why

When you have a son. You have to pay for college.

When you have a daughter. You have to pay for college, then the wedding. Oh and if you are really unlucky you can pay for multiple weddings.

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Wisdom of Children

by tryten In reply to Thursday Yuk

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

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LOL!

by Old Guy In reply to Wisdom of Children

I've seen this a lot but I love it each time. A lot of them are really funny.

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A little George Carlin for you.

by tryten In reply to Thursday Yuk

Some things you can do in your car to keep people on their toes.

1. Putting your car into low gear and following pedestrians into the mall.
2. Pull up beside someone on the freeway and yell at them “PULL OVER, PULL OVER, PULL OVER.” He pulls over, you keep going. Let him park awhile and think it over.
3. When you pull up to the toll booth, bargain with them. Tell them you heard it was free Chevrolet day. Tell him it’s a used road and you are looking for a discount. Tell him you don’t have and money cause you spent it all on p***y and beer. That will hold ‘em for a while, especially if you’re a woman.

Bumper stickers

1. I’ve found him, I have Jesus in the trunk.
2. My kid sells drugs to your honor student.
3. My daughter goes to public school and hasn’t been knocked up yet.

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Bubba Claus

by Montgomery Gator In reply to Thursday Yuk

----- MEMO -----
To: Southern USA Residents
From: Santa
RE: Replacement Santa

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family in from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you will see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus shot the jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's, "All I want for Christmas is my Woman and a Six-opack", and Hank Williams Jr's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

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Ha ha haha

by Old Guy In reply to Bubba Claus

Now that is a hoot! I did have to check your location to make sure you weren't one of them furinures.

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Larry the Cable Guy

by Montgomery Gator In reply to Ha ha haha

You ever hear "The Politically Correct Night Before Christmas" by Larry the Cable Guy? It's hilarious!!

http://www.guzer.com/videos/nightbeforexmas.php

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