Thursday Yuk

when I tell them I prayed for boys and got them. There is no way in he11 that no girl of mine would EVER go out with a guy like me.

I can't help but think of the things I did to other peoples daughters! ]:)

Dating? Sure, after she is 30 and married!

My bud has a little girl, about a year younger than my twins. Told him the one day, "yeah, won't be long before my boys are coming down the street to ask your daughter out. And they are brothers, they share everything!"

This got him scared and thinking for the first time what he had gotten himself into! :D

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

Some things you can do in your car to keep people on their toes.

1. Putting your car into low gear and following pedestrians into the mall.
2. Pull up beside someone on the freeway and yell at them “PULL OVER, PULL OVER, PULL OVER.” He pulls over, you keep going. Let him park awhile and think it over.
3. When you pull up to the toll booth, bargain with them. Tell them you heard it was free Chevrolet day. Tell him it’s a used road and you are looking for a discount. Tell him you don’t have and money cause you spent it all on p***y and beer. That will hold ‘em for a while, especially if you’re a woman.

Bumper stickers

1. I’ve found him, I have Jesus in the trunk.
2. My kid sells drugs to your honor student.
3. My daughter goes to public school and hasn’t been knocked up yet.

----- MEMO -----
To: Southern USA Residents
From: Santa
RE: Replacement Santa

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family in from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you will see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus shot the jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's, "All I want for Christmas is my Woman and a Six-opack", and Hank Williams Jr's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

1. "I'm down here"

2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a
sissy.

3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSynch. Want to meet them?

4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.

5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on
toys.

6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra
disappear?

7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks
over at Keebler.

8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.

9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.

10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!

Three guys go to their annual Christmas party and get in a car accident and end up at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them that since it?s so close to Christmas, they each have to demonstrate that they know the true meaning of the season.

The first guy reaches into his pocket, pulls out his car keys, shakes them and says, ?These are jingle bells.?
Impressed by the man?s quick thinking, St. Peter says, ?You may enter Heaven.?

The second guy pulls out a cigarette lighter, holds it up and says, ?This is a Christmas candle.?
Impressed again, St. Peter says, ?You too, my go into Heaven.?

Now it?s just the third guy, and he?s desperate. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of his secretary?s panties. St. Peter says, ?What on earth do those have to do with Christmas?? The guy says, ?These are Carol?s.?

Have a good one!

Anatomy Lesson

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his
father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father,surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round
& firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions??"

Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, " Mom,
how many types of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard. In his thrities & forties, It's like a birch tree,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only."

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

The Different "Degree's" of a Hangover

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't
pee'd once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out
of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust
in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt
to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the
ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You
don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed
out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a
fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be
to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty
good about right now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

The Honeymoon

A young couple left their wedding reception, arriving at the hotel for
the first night of their honeymoon. They cracked the champagne and
began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife said, "Your toes
look all mangled and funny."
"I had tolio as a child," the husband replied.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, the disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride exclaimed, "What's wrong
with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride was satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband removed his undies.

"Let me guess," the wife said. "Smallcox?"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

A limo driver, after getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! What if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never
gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my
God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,
and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The
Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said
the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Senator?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's Jesus!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon, came to a
dead halt in traffic and thought to himself "Wow, this traffic is worse
than usual, it is hardly moving".

He notices a police officer directing traffic, he gets out of his car
and asks "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies "It's the President. He is so depressed about not
finding "weapons of Mass destruction" in Iraq that he stopped his
motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and has threatened to douse
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.

He says people think he's dumb!! And he has money problems. He wants to
go home to Mommy!!!

We are taking up a collection."

The Marine asks " Oh, really, how much have you collected so far?"

V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V

The officer replied "Well, so far only about 30 gallons but I've got a
lot of people still siphoning".

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Things Learned The Hard Way

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never
fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
Titanic.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)