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thursday yuk

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by jaqui

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In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old
white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't."

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' " He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

23 replies

by jdclyde

Two men talking in a bar.

The first man states "My wire is an ANGEL!"
The second man looks at him and says, "Lucky dog. Mine is still alive".

----------------------------------------------------

Two men talking in a bar.

The first man states "I got a new truck for my wife".
The second man looks at him and says "Nice trade!"

by hal 9000

Throw your Hat into the ring and come up with something better. :p

The current crop of ones that I have here are all way too Blue for TR as they will get the thread pulled and I wouldn't want to be held responsible for that now would I? :^O

Col ]:)

by hal 9000

I had to think of people that would actually enjoy this twisted, perverted type of email.

Strangely enough, your names came to mind . Feel free to pass it onto other similarly twisted acquaintances of yours.....

It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the attachment, it is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper. It was taken shortly after he landed, it shows him with his insides now on the outside.

You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.

http://tinyurl.com/9a3kk

You had to look didn't you? :p

Col ]:)

by jaqui

Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends and have a few cocktails.

They taste good, so you have a few more and then the DJ puts on 'I Will Survive,' so you're off on the dance floor. After an hour or so, when 'Heart of Glass' has finished, and more modern music comes on , you come back to the group for a rest and another cocktail or three ..

YOU buy him a drink.

He likes a woman who is not afraid to buy a man a drink. He approaches you to chat and you get on really well.

When the time seems perfect for both of you, he leans over and kisses you.

You have never been kissed like this before, an electric kiss and a tingle shudders through your entire body and you don't want it to stop.

"I don't usually do this sort of thing," you hear yourself saying, "but I've never felt like this before.

Do you want to come back to my place?"

You wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep , to go to the toilet , last night's memories slightly blurred ..

You look at yourself in the mirror, make an "urgh" sound.

As you're sitting there, vivid flashes of what would seem like a marathon sex session flicker back into your head and you remember that you fell in love last night.

With a smile on your face , you stand up and walk back to the bedroom
and see...THIS!!!!!!!!

http://www.pizazzn.com/misc/ugh.jpg

don't look if you have weak stomach people.

by hal 9000

I'm not that silly. :p

Besides I don't frequent Bars as I work IT I don't have a life at all. :(

Like today for instance I gave away a brand New Computer for cost well not quite as I didn't cover my petrol money but then again it was for a Work Experience girl that comes in here and she pulls her weight so I didn't feel right about charging her any profit after all I don't pay her for the work that she does so it's only fair that I don't make a profit out of her. Who said Slavery was dead? :^O

:) :) :) :)

Col ]:)

by maecuff

Thank God, in 42 years, I've never made a drunken mistake quite as bad as that..

by jaqui

I had to look.

the drop dead gorgeous girl* that lives down the hall from me didn't appreciate the picture I put though..
she had just gotten home from a night out drinking when I handed her a full colour printout, with the text.

for some reason it really disturbed her. ]:)

* living barbie doll, with "Punky red" hair instead of blonde. has to be the best description.

by maecuff

I DID like your joke last week, and yes, it would be better to actually dig up a good joke than to be critical of the jokes posted, but that would take an effort..

by bhunsinger

When the weather's hot and Sticky
Thats no time for dunking Dicky
When the frost is on the pumpkin
Thats the time for Dicky Dunkin"

by rolloverman

the sweet new bride

>> > > A newlywed couple had only been married for
two
>> > > weeks. The husband,
>> > > although very much in love, couldn't wait to go
out
>> > > on the town and party
>> > > with his old buddies So, he said to his new
wife,
>> > > "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you
going,
>> > > coochy cooh?" asked the
>> > > wife.
>> > >
>> > > "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going
to
>> > > have a beer."
>> > >
>> > > The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She
>> > > opened the door to the
>> > > refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of
>> > > beer, brands
>> > > from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
>> > > Japan, India, etc.
>> > >
>> > > The husband didn't know what to do, and the
only
>> > > thing that he could
>> > > think of saying was, "Yes, lollypopbut at the
>> > > bar.you know.They have
>> > > frozen glasses.."
>> > >
>> > > He didn't get to finish the sentence, because
the
>> > > wife interrupted him
>> > > by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy
face?"
>> > > She took a huge
>> > > beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
she was
>> > > getting chills just
>> > > holding it.
>> > >
>> > > The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes,
>> > > tootsie roll, but at the
>> > > bar they have those neat little snacks &hors
>> > > d'ouevres that are really
>> > > delicious won't be long, I'll be right back.
I
>> > > promise.
>> > >
>> > > OK? "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She
>> > > opened the oven and
>> > > took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:

>> > > chicken wings, pigs in
>> > > the blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

>> > >
>> > > "But my sweet honey. at the bar.you
know.there's
>> > > swearing, dirty
>> > > words and all that.."
>> > >
>> > > "You want dirty words, cutie pie.? "Listen
up,
>> > > dickhead! Drink your
>> > > fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and
eat
>> > > your fucking snacks,
>> > > because you are married now, and you aren't
going
>> > > anywhere! Got it,
>> > > asshole?"
>> > >
>> > > And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that
a
>> > > sweet story?

by hal 9000

We humble plebes wouldn't dare even consider you musseling in and you could never become a prawn in the game. :p

If anyone even suggested that with your temper you'd have their heads off so fast that no one would ever know what happened to them. And we certainly wouldn't ever see a post like the one that OZ had "I'm laving TR Thanks GadgetGirl!" As that would be tantamount to committing suicide. :^O

As always your Loyal Humble Servant.

Col ]:)

by gadgetgirl

Col, get off your knees, your codpiece is scraping the ground!

Temper? I'm as level headed as a flounder! (yeah, right!)

(who told? hmm? who told you about my temper?!)

But I do like your crawling, though, Col - reminds me of a crab, at times.....!

(Sorry! j/k!)

GG

:D

by hal 9000

It was you who mentioned your nasty temper in one of the threads somewhere. Something about a Glasgow Kiss or something along those lines. :p

As A Loyal Servant of the Crown I humbly request a Pardon for any possible infringements that I may inadvertently make. :^O

Col ]:)

by gadgetgirl

you're pardoned, Col!

I mentioned knowing what a Glasgow kiss was, and yes, you're right, I have mentioned my temper before now. And the fact that I've only lost it once in 26 years (must be getting more tolerant as I get older!)

....unless that's something ELSE that gravity has an affect on!

:D

GG

by hal 9000

You did point out that you had only lost your temper once in the last 26 years but I seem to remember you saying something that those that where around you are still are living in constant fear of their lives and that they warn everyone that you come into contact with just to be on the safe side. :p

Luckily Transportation has long been stopped so there is no chance of you ending up on this side of the world if it happens again. :^O

So I'm safe. :D

Col ]:)

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