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Thursday Yuk Yuk (my turn)

By jdclyde ·
Sorry folks, but it has just been that kind of day.
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A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative ma'am just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955 ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."


(Don't yah love military time?!)

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Back when they were funny on TV

by jdclyde In reply to Thursday Yuk Yuk (my turn ...

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do ****'s Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!"
What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your sheep?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my sheep!

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

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Man test

by jdclyde In reply to Thursday Yuk Yuk (my turn ...
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Fluctuations

by jdclyde In reply to Thursday Yuk Yuk (my turn ...

Subject: Fluctuations


I had a bunch of US dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line; just one guy in front of me...

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated... he asked the teller, "Why it change?

Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations"

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too."

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Best toast

by jdclyde In reply to Thursday Yuk Yuk (my turn ...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


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Ok guys, now many of you can relate?
jd

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Who wants a SUV when they can have this?

by neilb@uk In reply to Thursday Yuk Yuk (my turn ...
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the cat one is just WRONG

by jdclyde In reply to Who wants a SUV when they ...

watching the little head plop down like that......

you are a sick puppy! B-)

Yes, I already had both of those loaded on my laptop.......

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etiquette (by a woman)

by jdclyde In reply to Thursday Yuk Yuk (my turn ...

**** job etiquette (by a woman)

1 - First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2 - Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.

3 - I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to *** on someone's face.

4 - Extension to rule #3- No, I don't have to swallow.

My ears are not handles.

5 - Extension to rule #5- Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really want puke on your ****?

6 - I don't care how relaxed you get, it is never ok to fart.

7 - Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to **** you just you can't have sex right now.

8 - Extension to #8- "blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my midol.

9 - If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

10 -Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

11 - If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

12 -No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

13 - No, I will not do it while you watch TV.

14 - When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get **** jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

15 - Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

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A Man's Rebuttal

by jdclyde In reply to etiquette (by a woman)

A Man's Rebuttal

1 - First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

2 - Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a **** of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3 - You want to talk about farting? Does the word "*****" mean anything to you?

4 - I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5 - When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.

6 - Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

7 - You ***** about the taste, but trust me when i tell you that we get the **** end of the stick in flavor country.

8 - At least there is no danger of a #### bleeding in your mouth.

9 - Play with the balls.

10 - No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11 - Caress the ***, too. We like that.

12 - Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13 - If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

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ABSOLUTELY AMAZING INFORMATION!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Thursday Yuk Yuk (my turn ...

AMAZING INFORMATION!


Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet?
It?s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of
idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the
rest of us in line.

Dawg ]:)

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5 Important Business Concepts

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Thursday Yuk Yuk (my turn ...

5 Important Business Concepts

Corporate Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his
wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife
quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens
the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says
a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and
leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It
was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the
husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2: A Reverend offered a lift to a Church lady.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a very
well turned leg
The Reverend nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
slowly laid his hand on her leg. The church lady said, "Reverend,
remember Psalm 129?" His hand quickly fell away.
As the ride continued, so did the temptation until once more he laid
his hand on her leg and once again the church lady said, "Reverend,
remember Psalm 129?"
The Reverend apologized "I am so sorry that my flesh is so weak."
Arriving at back at the church, the church lady went on her way.
As quickly as he could the reverend rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each
of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK,
you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all
day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all
day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the crow, and rested. Along came a fox, who jumped
on the rabbit and ate it..
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love
to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I
haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my
droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients." The
turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree From there he was
able reach a higher branch until finally he was perched on the top
branch of the tree. He could see for miles
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
Moral of the story: Bu11sh?t might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.

Dawg ]:)

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