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To the citizens of the United States of America

By neilb@uk ·
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective 1st May 2005. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You may still continue to eat them. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not mature enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

You will remove the laughter track from reruns of ?Mash?. You will produce the criminals responsible for this act of barbarism.

There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know. Trust us in this.

Learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or bad-Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Regional dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Braveheart, U571 and other like films will be remade and prefixed with an apology for changing our history without our permission.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 5% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby. This is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, having teams of one hundred players or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. Stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America although since only 5% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. We will be introducing Cricket but it?s unlikely that you?ll ever be any good.

Declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 95% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". The only proviso is that nuclear weapons may only be used in France if the wind is from the north.

You will be appropriately friendly towards Canadians as they are much nicer than you. This, of course, does not include the French-speaking.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 95% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is salt and vinegar. You will make these available.

Waitresses will be trained to be (much) more aggressive with customers.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon ? that?ll sort out the SUV drivers).

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

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LOL..I don't think we'll LET you revoke us this time. :)

by TomSal In reply to To the citizens of the Un ...

Trust me I found most of your post quite humor ---ooooh no....I mean humOUR-ous!

I can't resist the urge of saying..that's all well and good, but when the Brit government can over power us and mount a successful invasion of the US then your post can apply..until then..

I can't wait for the NFL to start up again...

hmmm..I think I'll stop at Dunkin' Donuts on the way home

and oh crap I have to set my sister's new computer to US-English, her kids were mucking with it again.



PS. We don't tell you how to speak your lingo , so get off ours. Yeah yeah, the English language has its roots in your country --- so have a cookie on me. Centuries have passed by, the world evolves and changes..deal with it.

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It's just a bit of Brit humour

by neilb@uk In reply to LOL..I don't think we'll ...

that I found while surfing...

Neil

What is this "cookie" you are offering? some form of illicit drug, I suspect!

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Lets consider that for a second

by JamesRL In reply to LOL..I don't think we'll ...

The English contribute Shakespeare, the King James Bible, and many other fine authors.

The US contributes ebonics and rap.

The Canadian variant of US football is faster - fewer downs=more throws. None of this take three steps and go down on one knee business.

Your PS sounds like you were serious for a moment. I can tell you that Neil was simply reprinting an oft repeated internet story. This version is a little more fun than the original ten years ago. Some things improve with age.

James

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See my other post to Neil.

by TomSal In reply to Lets consider that for a ...

Trust me rap is one of the worse stains I try to wash from being associated with my country..lol.

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I added a reply to your post

by neilb@uk In reply to LOL..I don't think we'll ...

but it seems to have gone. I'm not quite sure why, though as I was just asking what a "cookie" was!

I think that it was because I was asking if it was an illicit d.r.u.g.

See if this one gets through. doesn't half reduce the spontaneity, though.

Neil :)

p.s. The original post IS a joke. If anyone chooses to overreact, though, just look upon the post as partial payback for Mel Gibson films like Patriot and Braveheart (I was once threatened by someone in a bar in Arizona because my ancestors burned a church full of people during the War of Independence - he'd just seen Patriot.)

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It stinks when TR acts up..

by TomSal In reply to I added a reply to your p ...

I know what you mean a couple times I had made a post that I thought would of been good but it magically never appeared.

I know you are joking...but its like sarcastic joking, so I always have to throw in my defensive statement JUST IN CASE the person isn't REALLY joking as much as I think they are..lol.

PS. I know this is corny because everyone says this line...but I seriously do have some Brits as friends, and they are awesome people. They are all way more laid back than any of my friends here in the states too...coincedence?

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Mel Gibson should apologize

by JamesRL In reply to I added a reply to your p ...

To the people of Great Britain for both Braveheart and especially the Patriot. He seems to have a boulder sized chip on his shoulder.

My ancesters were scottish. William Wallace did some great things, but was also a cattle thief and did committ some atrocities in northern england when he invaded. Sad as the scots versus scots thing is, it didn't start with Wallace and didn't end.

As for the Patriot, its terrible propaganda piece. The reality is that the war was fairly civilly conducted, as many of the officers on both sides had fought side by side in the earlier French and Indian war. There were some incidents where the rebels tarred and feathered loyalists - that was by the way a slow and agonizing death. But I challenge anyone to find a civilian massacre other than Boston common, and that was an over-reaction to a riot, much like kent state.

James

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Guess You Read a Different History Book

by holdcraftm In reply to Mel Gibson should apologi ...

Or were you there as an eye witness?

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I've read plenty of history books

by JamesRL In reply to Guess You Read a Differen ...

Just not American high school history texts.

Can you provide an example of something similar to what was portrayed in Patriot? Burning a church full of people down? I do know of an incident where tha Nazis did that in Russia.

I can provide plenty of evidence of loyalists who were run out of town on a rail, or tarred and feathered.

I am not suggesting that the usual issues that happen didn't happen, on both sides. What I am suggesting is that Gibson's portrayal is one sided and a large exageration.

Got anything to back up your argument?

James

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Any MORON that would

by jdclyde In reply to I added a reply to your p ...

take a posting off a yuk yuk as serious has more things to worry about than being invaded by the Brits.

Like going to get their meds refilled up in Canada, because the voices are getting loud again.

Note about missing post Neil, it was their. I have seen over the last week where a post I put in doesn't show up on my screen for a few HOURS after posting. there has only been one that just disappeared on me.

I liked the post, even if it wasn't an original work.

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