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Wallpaper……master tool of satan! (Happy Friday…)

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Looking for a quick, inexpensive way to do something disgusting, hateful, and downright evil? I have the perfect suggestion: Install unattractive wallpaper directly to unprimed drywall. Go ahead, indulge your unmatched misanthropy! The cruelty of this deed will be truly insurpassable, and you’ll have the pleasure of knowing that, years from now, your act will cause some innocent, decent, kind homeowner hours and hours of unmitigated, merciless, apocalyptic misery.

This poor soul, the future owner of your house, will curse you and spit on your family name. She will feel so spectacularly abused by your belligerent deed that she’ll pray you have a chronic groin rash. Scraping, ripping, spraying, scraping some more, realizing half the go$@#mn drywall is coming off with the hideous wallpaper, crying uncontrollably – this will be her lot during days and days of toil. Just think of the pain you can cause!

So much pain for her through so little effort for you! – and all you have to do is walk up to your unprimed, unfinished, unpainted freaking drywall and slap some fugly wallpaper on it. Walk away. Then sell your house to someone with some taste and laugh all the way to hell. You sick ba$#ard.

So I’m telling you. Want to have a black, black, pitchblack soul of Satanic essence? Just do what I say and apply ugly, stupid-looking wallpaper to a surface that ANYONE WITH THE INTELLIGENCE OF A SEWER RAT (or Google) could tell you is the WRONG D#$N SURFACE ON WHICH TO HANG WALLPAPER, MORON. You’ll be amazed by how much this simple weekend project will make someone, someday, loathe your very existence.

Really, I’m just trying to help. Feeling sociopathic? Want to do something downright inhumane but don’t want to go to jail? Looking for ways, through home decorating, to express the side of yourself that’s ruled by pure, galling, blackhole-like malice? Then there you go. Indulge yourself. Wallpaper unprimed drywall and call it a day. Good for you and have fun in hell.

(P.S. My kitchen looks really good now despite the rude wallpapering behavior of the first homeowners, those jerks. But I stuck with it because I rilly rilly wanted red walls instead of vomitous brown and tan speckly wallpaper from 1984. Refrain from e-mailing to ask me how I did it – just Google like I did.

Eye of the tiger, baby. Eye of the tiger.)

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Or plumb your sump pump drain hose into the house drain line

In reply to Wallpaper……master tool of satan! (Happy Friday…)

We have a sump pump in the crawl space at both ends of the house. At one end the drain hose just sticks out an access hole and the water runs down through the yard into the street. At the other end the DIY builders couldn’t find a good downslope. So they connected the drain hose into the grey water line from the laundry room. (We have septic systems up here so you don’t run any more drains than you have to into the black water tank.)

The first year we lived here, we didn’t quite keep up with the forest detritus filling up the drainage ditch running around the lower part of the lot, so during the first big rain the ditch overflowed and water ran right down into the crawl space. Soon the water level rose and tripped the sump pump.

Obviously the owner-builder had never actually tested this scenario. Turns out that the sump pump can deliver water faster than the grey water line can void it.

So we heard a funny noise at that end of the house, tracked it down to the bathroom, looked in… and water was shooting up out of the shower drain with about a four-foot head.

Some things you can see with your own eyes, yet they are so unbelievable, so out of the realm of the possible, that you just stand there transfixed, having absolutely no idea what’s wrong or what to do to make it stop. Is it time to call Ghostbusters? The floor was already half an inch deep in water.

Eventually I figured it out. I’m convinced that it was probably the most intelligent thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I actually reasoned it out and hit upon the fact that the only thing we had that could pump water that fast was the sump pump and that somehow it must be hooked into the grey water line. From that point it only took a couple of minutes with the infuriatingly mis-labeled circuit breaker box to find the one that powered the sump pump and flip it. Then half an hour with the shop vac and a mop. Then several days of cursing the people we bought the house from and wondering what the next surprise would be.

BTW, that would be a 3,000 sqft house that used to hold a family of six, set 200 feet back from the street on a grade about ten feet higher than the water company line — with a half inch water main.

Who ya gonna call!?

In reply to Or plumb your sump pump drain hose into the house drain line

That is hilarious (for me) You tell that story very well by the way, and I think I can actually see exactly what happened based on your description of the events as they unfolded….I would be as or more angry at the so called inspector that must have given that home the proverbial green light…..you may want to fashion a tiki doll in his likeness……and spray some ben gay on its groin!

What is the thinnest drywall? 3/8? 1/2?

In reply to Wallpaper……master tool of satan! (Happy Friday…)

I would have made an attempt to get the stuff off. If that didn’t work topping it with new drywall would be another possibility – but that’s not always feasible either.

Scott – you are funny.

Aren’t there more fun ways to be a sociopath?

The main teleconference room where my spouse works shares its longest wall with the men’s bathroom, 4 stalls and 3 urinals in all. So when there is a large conference going on in a room full of very expensive furniture, the latest in video and teleconference equipment and large videoscreens full of C level people, their discussions and powerpoint presentations are accompanied by flushing toilets. Very impressive!
Perhaps it would be a better room for Poker?

The problem is in the process of being, uh, flushed out, as insulation will be going in the wall over the next week or two.

Dc_Guy

The sump was probably a home job – no building/plumbing inspector would have let that go when it was first put together.

A house inspector on the sale of the home might have tested the sump set-up for a few minutes – not enough time to see what a mess it was.

You tell a great tale.

Maureen

Maureen…….a flush is not the only thing

In reply to What is the thinnest drywall? 3/8? 1/2?

one should worry about in this scenario…..One with even a small imagination could probably imagine worse noises eminating from behind this wall!
I can’t claim credit for this story, I pasted it from a website on friday…I got a pretty good chuckle out of it though….and I thought others might like it too, and I have been in similiar situations before myself…
Talk to ya…
Scott

Maureen’s got it.

In reply to Wallpaper……master tool of satan! (Happy Friday…)

Been there done that, on more than one house mind you. As a teenager, a took to painting one summer and ended up staring a small crew of student painter to subcontract out the next summer. We ran into several cases just like that, in one case it was quicker, easier and FAR cheaper to just ‘make the room a wee bit smaller’ (about 3/8″ all around) 😀

Lick of paint, let dry ten minutes, Bob’s your uncle!

I suppose there never was, is or will be an actual person who’s uncle is called Bob though. Bob is never MY uncle, always YOUR uncle, so WHO is Bob’s neice or nephew?

They must have one slick-assed uncle Bob, everything easy seems to relate to him!

(sorry, I haven’t hade a drink yet today)

WTF??

In reply to Maureen’s got it.

Is this ‘bob’s your uncle’ stuff? What the hell does that mean? Is it just a lame phrase that I can forever tease you about? Kinda like when my husband says Jiminy Christmas when he’s frustrated. (That’s the ‘kids are in the room’ expression of frustration)

Yeah

In reply to WTF??

Just some old English expression, ‘and Bob’s yer uncle’.

I have heard it quite a bit out here too, figured it was common. I acrtually never use it, this is one of those special moments. (my aren’t you a lucky one!)

Yes,s stupid expression, not one I can be teased about though, I don’t use it enough to say it’s a trait.

Hmm..

In reply to Yeah

I think if you typed it in, then it’s fair game, I mean, how am I to know that you don’t walk around saying that all the time??

actually it’s the others

In reply to Hmm..

I find when I am walking around in public, I sometimes have ‘others’ take over and find myself mumbling about all kinds of things.

One of my many personalities was an astronaut in 1966, before ‘they’ actually admitted to landing on the moon for the first time.

The one that gets me in trouble though is when Voldar takes over in a restaurant, very embarassing at the buffet, food flying everywhere.

For the most part they are pretty good when we are all out, it’s just that sometimes I can’t take all the incessant arguing in me head when I try to control my own mind for a change. It seems they just won’t shut up.

Oh well,time for me and ‘the gang’ to go walkabout, if Uncle Bob resurfaces, I’ll tell him it’s okay to carry on.

Thanks 🙂

Cool..

In reply to actually it’s the others

Tell Uncle Bob hi from me.

I *hate* wallpaper!

In reply to Wallpaper……master tool of satan! (Happy Friday…)

Ugh! I must rant…When I moved into my house, the previous residents had installed some godawful striped wallpaper with 4-inch blue and white stripes, topped by a border with what were *intended* to be cartoon peaches. They did not look like peaches. Use your imagination.

‘Twas vinyl wallpaper. ‘Twas hell to remove. The only method that worked for me was to score the wallpaper with a scoring tool, spray it down with water, then apply a hot iron directly to to wall until I could hear the water sizzle. Then, it could be scraped off in layers using a plastic putty knife. Vinyl first, then the glue.

Funny part was, I began this project a few days after moving in. The previous owners dropped by. I thought the wife was going to cry when she saw the large rends in her beautiful wallpaper. Snort.

The offending area is now a lovely shade of satin-finished paint called “Sandpiper.”

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