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Where's the Friday Yuk???

By maecuff ·
Dammit Oz, get on the ball..

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Ever so sorry,

by Oz_Media In reply to Where's the Friday Yuk???

I was chatting online with David Suzuki and we got into an indepth discussion regarding Canada's air care laws and how vehicle today actually are less fuel efficient than they wer in the 80's. Then it got into a discussion on Carboxyhemogloben and how many people are hospitalized each year under our medical plan due to it etc.

Well that wasn't very funny at all was it?!?!?

This isn't either but I'd hate to let you down,

Imagine if you will . . . the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief. . .
"They're made out of meat."


"Meat. They're made out of meat."


"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"

"So. . . what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"


"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

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I hardly know what to reply..

by maecuff In reply to Ever so sorry,

If nothing else, it was definitly more entertaining than Canada's air care laws.. When I have nightmares tonite, I'm holding you responsible.

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by Oz_Media In reply to I hardly know what to rep ...

"When I have nightmares tonite, I'm holding you responsible."

Funny, I hear that from women all the time.

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Beam me up, Scotty ....

by jardinier In reply to Ever so sorry,

At last ... a chance to escape from this planet inhabited and ruled by mutton-heads.

How do I contact the space ship?

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by MallardtooXX In reply to Beam me up, Scotty ....

All you have to do is dial 867-5309 eien then ask for tommy and tell him you are jenny and you are in like flynn


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The coincidences

by Oz_Media In reply to Simple...

Well Duck, while camping recently with some friends I took along a great retro playlist on my laptop with every song I could think of that we used to party to. 876-5309 was a good giggle.

(I usually take my laptop and surround sound speakers to plug into the power inverter and it stops us needing to change music).
My next goal is to get a VGA projector,place a huge white tarp between two trees and build a campsite drive-in theatre) I know it is blasphemy to take electronics camping but when camping locally what's the difference?

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by jardinier In reply to The coincidences

The following devices are most definitely NOT COMPATIBLE with communing with nature:

Portable radios, sound-systems, TVs, computers.

If you can't exist for a day or two without these devices, I suggest you build a forest in your living room!

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by Oz_Media In reply to BLASPHEMY !!!!

Well Julian, I've been camping with a peice f plastic and a baggie of coffee, but nowdays I find it amusing to take the notebook for music as it isso much easier and can run of the inverter without killing the main batteries.

The 40' drive in theatre just sounds like a good laugh though. On the mainland, the local sites are usually pretty busy in mid season so it's not like winter camping or early spring whern you can enjoy tranquility and isolation as much.

Mid summer camping is pretty much just drinking beer and riding the dirt bikes or boating.

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However you ARE permitted to take ...

by jardinier In reply to BLASPHEMY !!!!

the following non-technical, non-logical items:

Any number of horny chicks, preferably under the legal age.

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by Oz_Media In reply to However you ARE permitted ...

Now now man, under the legal age??

EEEEEWWWW! Problems, headaches, games, undeveloped teeny bopper bodies, eeeewwwww.

I can't even stand most women my own age, I would take a nice well rounded older woman with no issues and her own career anyday, I don't want baggage.

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