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While we're waiting for OZ to get out of bed...

By gbrownlee ·
And start the Friday Yuk:

President George Bush visits a primary school. They are in the middle of a discussion on words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would like to take over leading the discussion, on the word tragedy. So the illustrious leader asks the class the meaning of the word tragedy.

One little boy stands up and says " If my friend who lives on a farm is run over by a tractor, that would be a tragedy." No says the president, that would be an accident.

A little girl stands up and says " If a school bus drove off of a cliff and killed all the children, that would be a tragedy." No says Bush, that would be a great loss.

The room goes silent. Bush searches the class and asks " Isn't there anybody who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, from the back of the class a small boy stands up and says " If airforce 1 carrying you was shot down by friendly fire, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic says Bush and can you tell me why it would be a tragedy?

Well, says the boy, because it wouldn't be a great loss and it surely wouldn't be a f*cking accident!

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Thanks I needed that

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to While we're waiting for O ...

I've had the week from hell and it's only getting worse.

Col

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A VERY GOOD REASON TO BE ON TIME

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to While we're waiting for O ...

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician,
who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the
presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed
in the traffic.So..... the priest decided to say his own few words while they
waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional,
can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of this
parish from the first confession I heard here.

I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here
twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had
stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer.

Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place
of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and
I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving
people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full
of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in
this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER, EVER, BE LATE

Which of course always applies to me as I'm never on time ever!

Col

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I heard a little different version

by ProtiusX In reply to While we're waiting for O ...

In the version I saw it was Kerry not Bush.

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Here are some guidelines..

by maecuff In reply to While we're waiting for O ...

Since we can't always get along, I thought the Friday Post would be good place to set some guidelines..

The Twelve Commandments of Flaming
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of ***** envy."

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable, they're all holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a sh??head. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "veni, vidi, vici," and "fettuccini alfredo."

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the **** you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."

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LOL

by ProtiusX In reply to Here are some guidelines. ...

Well written. I busted a gut (or two).

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Well

by maecuff In reply to LOL

It isn't mine, I did, however, manage to cut and paste it without injuring myself.

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Mae, I saw this on a t-shirt

by mlandis In reply to Well

Rock is dead.

Paper and Scissors won!

Congratulations on a job well done. I know it was dangerous, but you did it!

Maureen

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LMAO!!!!!

by CorTech In reply to Here are some guidelines. ...

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Who does this make you think of??? Especially #4...

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I see

by maecuff In reply to LMAO!!!!!

A lot of people in almost all of these. Except myself. If I say it, it's true. :)

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Mae....I am still trying to figure out

by Packet Spoofer In reply to I see

If you actually exist!

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