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Xmas Yuk

By ozi Eagle ·

I thought that there must be lots of Chrissy jokes out there, so I've started a Xmas Yuk, so that we can share them. Also any other Chrissy stories.

My offering

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and
the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated,
Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a precious little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"

And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

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If this get's past the auto-censor

by jardinier In reply to Xmas Yuk

This poem was supposedly written just for my entertainment by a somewhat gorgeous young woman who was flirting with me at the time.

The auto-censor has been more liberal than I expected. I am sure you will be able to fill in for yourself the ***** words.


?Twas the dawning of Christmas Day
And all were asleep
Except for ? you guessed it
Jolly Santa and his meat
You can be sure he was out delivering
Christmas gifts abound
But what they were not
Were gifts of sight or sound

This is the story of Santa Claus
He left his polar palace
In the early hours of morn
He jumped in his sleigh
All tattered, rusted and worn
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Vixon
On Comet, On Cupid and Prancer
?Get off Blitzen
You horny little *******
You had all year to play
Now get on with it
Today?s MY bloody day?

So off they flew
With Santa dragging in tow
Saying to each other
?He?s a heavy ******
No wonder we?re so slow?
They flew for what seems hours
Until the old bugger yelled their names
?Stop, you bloody stupid brood
Santa?s finally in the mood?

He was looking for a place to stop
Circling the streets and houses
?I have to find the one that?s right
Where I can drop my trousers?
He stumbled upon a house all dark
?This will do,? he thought
He jumped out with a great big fart
And got his beard caught
?Oh ****, oh ****, oh ho ******* ho
I am a useless prick
I hope I get out of this mess
?Cause I want to wet my ****?

He pulled and yanked
And yelled and screamed
Until his beard came loose
?Now straighten yourself up
Put on your smile
And let?s be of some use?

Down the chimney he crashed and banged
Landing on his nose
Struggled and wormed to pry himself loose
Realising he?s caught his toes
?Oh ****, oh ****, oh ho ******* ho
What a silly prick I am
I?ve gone to deliver my gifts
And I?m bloody well stuck again?
He pushed and pulled and wiggled
Prying his toes apart
?You have to get out of this one
And go and do your part?

He made it to the loungeroom
And began creeping around in the dark
Looking for a light switch
When he heard an almighty bark
?Oh ****, oh ****, oh ho ******* ho
What a wanker I can be
I forgot to bring some ******* meat
So the bloody dog don?t eat me?
He quickly jumped up the stairs
With canines on his wrist
Yelling ? ?Get the **** away from me
Or I?ll take you off my list?

He finally found the door
The room to all his dreams
Grabbed the knob, pushed the door
He was ready by all means
He stepped inside and looked around
But could hardly see a wink
He undressed himself and slid in bed
Like usual he didn?t think
He got right to it
Delivering all his gifts
With grunting sounds of might
?This night has turned out
Bloody well all right?

He fell asleep dribbling and smiling
Feeling he?s done it right
Until the next morning he awoke
Rolled over and screamed in fright
?Oh ****, oh ****, oh ho ******* ho
What a stupid **** I am
I thought I was in bed with a woman
But now I see you?re a man?

He leapt to his feet
Got dressed and bolted
Out of the house as fast as he could
Up the chimney he climbed
Squeezed himself out
Put on his Santa hood
?Get on Dancer, get on Vixon
And whatever the **** are your names
We have to get out of here
There?s no time for games?

Away he flew up in the sky
Feeling a little bit peeved
?Now to get what I want
I?ll have to wait until next eve
Oh ****, oh ****, oh ho ******* ho
What will I do till then??
The deer piped up: ?Santa,? he said
?You know your elves are men!?

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