This poem was supposedly written just for my entertainment by a somewhat gorgeous young woman who was flirting with me at the time.
The auto-censor has been more liberal than I expected. I am sure you will be able to fill in for yourself the ***** words.
SANTA'S DAY OUT
?Twas the dawning of Christmas Day
And all were asleep
Except for ? you guessed it
Jolly Santa and his meat
You can be sure he was out delivering
Christmas gifts abound
But what they were not
Were gifts of sight or sound
This is the story of Santa Claus
He left his polar palace
In the early hours of morn
He jumped in his sleigh
All tattered, rusted and worn
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Vixon
On Comet, On Cupid and Prancer
?Get off Blitzen
You horny little fuckers
You had all year to play
Now get on with it
Today?s MY bloody day?
So off they flew
With Santa dragging in tow
Saying to each other
?He?s a heavy fucker
No wonder we?re so slow?
They flew for what seems hours
Until the old bugger yelled their names
?Stop, you bloody stupid brood
Santa?s finally in the mood?
He was looking for a place to stop
Circling the streets and houses
?I have to find the one that?s right
Where I can drop my trousers?
He stumbled upon a house all dark
?This will do,? he thought
He jumped out with a great big fart
And got his beard caught
?Oh fuck, oh shit, oh ho fucking ho
I am a useless prick
I hope I get out of this mess
?Cause I want to wet my dick?
He pulled and yanked
And yelled and screamed
Until his beard came loose
?Now straighten yourself up
Put on your smile
And let?s be of some use?
Down the chimney he crashed and banged
Landing on his nose
Struggled and wormed to pry himself loose
Realising he?s caught his toes
?Oh fuck, oh shit, oh ho fucking ho
What a silly prick I am
I?ve gone to deliver my gifts
And I?m bloody well stuck again?
He pushed and pulled and wiggled
Prying his toes apart
?You have to get out of this one
And go and do your part?
He made it to the loungeroom
And began creeping around in the dark
Looking for a light switch
When he heard an almighty bark
?Oh fuck, oh shit, oh ho fucking ho
What a wanker I can be
I forgot to bring some fucking meat
So the bloody dog don?t eat me?
He quickly jumped up the stairs
With canines on his wrist
Yelling ? ?Get the fuck away from me
Or I?ll take you off my list?
He finally found the door
The room to all his dreams
Grabbed the knob, pushed the door
He was ready by all means
He stepped inside and looked around
But could hardly see a wink
He undressed himself and slid in bed
Like usual he didn?t think
He got right to it
Delivering all his gifts
With grunting sounds of might
?This night has turned out
Bloody well all right?
He fell asleep dribbling and smiling
Feeling he?s done it right
Until the next morning he awoke
Rolled over and screamed in fright
?Oh fuck, oh shit, oh ho fucking ho
What a stupid cunt I am
I thought I was in bed with a woman
But now I see you?re a man?
He leapt to his feet
Got dressed and bolted
Out of the house as fast as he could
Up the chimney he climbed
Squeezed himself out
Put on his Santa hood
?Get on Dancer, get on Vixon
And whatever the fuck are your names
We have to get out of here
There?s no time for games?
Away he flew up in the sky
Feeling a little bit peeved
?Now to get what I want
I?ll have to wait until next eve
Oh fuck, oh shit, oh ho fucking ho
What will I do till then??
The deer piped up: ?Santa,? he said
?You know your elves are men!?
