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Yuk around the clock

By jkaras ·
I'm sure most of you have heard these before, but tthese are too funny.


> > >> > These are from a book called Disorder in the
> > >> > American Courts,
> > >> > and are things people actually said in court, word
> > >> > for word, taken down and now published by court
> > >> > reporters who had the torment
> > >> > of staying calm while these exchanges were
> > >> actually
> > >> > taking place
> > >> >
> > >> > Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie
> > >> there.
> > >> >
> > >> > _______________________________
> > >> > Q: What is your date of birth
> > >> > A: July 15.
> > >> > Q: What year?
> > >> > A: Every year.
> > >> > _____________________________________
> > >> > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> > >> > impact?
> > >> > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
> > >> > memory at all?
> > >> > A: Yes.
> > >> > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >> > A: I forget.
> > >> > Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> > >> > something that you've forgotten?
> > >> > _____________________________________
> > >> > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > >> > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
> > >> > which.
> > >> > Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > >> > A: Forty-five years.
> > >> > _____________________________________
> > >> > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to
> > >> you
> > >> > when he
> > >> > woke up that morning?
> > >> > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > >> > Q: And why did that upset you?
> > >> > A: My name is Susan.
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> > >> > involved in
> > >> > voodoo or the occult?
> > >> > A: We both do.
> > >> > Q: Voodoo?
> > >> > A: We do.
> > >> > Q: You do?
> > >> > A: Yes, voodoo.
> > >> > ____________________________________
> > >> > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
> > >> dies
> > >> > in his sleep,
> > >> > he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >> > A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > >> > ___________________________________
> > >> > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old
> > >> is
> > >> > he?
> > >> > ____________________________________
> > >> > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> > >> > August 8th?
> > >> > A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.
> > >> > Q: How many were boys?
> > >> > A: None.
> > >> > Q: Were there any girls?
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >> > A: By death.
> > >> > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > >> > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >> > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
> > >> to
> > >> > a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >>
> > >> > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed
> > >> on
> > >> > dead people?
> > >> > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
> > >> > What school did you go to?
> > >> > A: Oral.
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> > >> > body?
> > >> > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > >> > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > >> > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
> > >> > was doing
> > >> > an autopsy.
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >> > ______________________________________
> > >> >
> > >> > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
> > >> you
> > >> > check
> > >> > for a pulse?
> > >> > A: No.
> > >> > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >> > A: No.
> > >> > Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > >> > A: No.
> > >> > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> > >> > alive when you
> > >> > began the autopsy?
> > >> > A: No.
> > >> > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >> > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
> > >> > jar.
> > >> > Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
> > >> > nevertheless?
> > >> > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
> > >> alive
> > >> > and practicing law somewhere.

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Too funny !

by gbrownlee In reply to Yuk around the clock

Most of the stupid questions asked were probably uttered my an incompetent, nincompoop of a lawyer I had the dispeasure of hiring last year and firing this year.

Thanks for the Friday yuk.

Greg

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You cracked me up

by jardinier In reply to Yuk around the clock

I may send you the medical bill for the injury to my arm when I fell off the seat laughing.

Now here is my contribution:

A true story: If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

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My two cents worth

by jdclyde In reply to Yuk around the clock

The Story of Life .

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl [Unable to display image]but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. S o I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


Now that I am older and wiser, I am looking for a girl with big tits.

______________________

There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time,
but if you don't give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............
Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P

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Hey there !!

by jardinier In reply to My two cents worth

Regarding the first part of your posting -- how did you manage to access my autobiography?

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It's a way of life

by jdclyde In reply to Hey there !!

I just started to model myself after you. Figured I would see how far it would take me, ya know?

"Heres to the METs winning the world series and to big T I T s."

(best part of the movie "taking care of business")

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a few more - couldn't help myself

by jdclyde In reply to Yuk around the clock

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in latin meaning "many"
"tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."


Answering machine messages
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

(Fairly boring message:) This is John. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll return your call. (Now, re-record the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different, but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.)


Satan vists the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

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