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  • #2272452

    Yuk Yuk Yuk


    by md_hashim ·

    A couple has a dog that snores, annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

    The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring. “Yeah right!” she says.

    A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring the woman is amazed.

    Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.
    Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

    The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were …or what we did …but, by God …We took FIRST and SECOND place.”

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    • #3144467

      The Inquisitive Son

      by md_hashim ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

      The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”

      The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

      So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”

      The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”

      The little boy admitted that she did.

      “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”

    • #3144463

      Statues Revenge

      by md_hashim ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park.

      A few hundred years after they’ve been put in place, an angel flutters down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

      The angel says, “I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick-you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again.”

      The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.

      The angel smiles at the couple. “That was only seven minutes-why not go back and do it again?”

      The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, “Why not? But let’s reverse it-this time, you hold down the pigeon and I’ll shit on it…”

    • #3144442

      I guess this will be Friday’s YUK

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      As it soon will be Fathers day some, I hope, joke to it.

      Fathers then & now

      Fathers of 1900 didn’t have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

      In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

      Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

      In 1900, a father’s horsepower meant his horses.

      Today, it’s the size of his minivan.

      In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success.

      Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home.

      In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

      Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

      In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

      Today, kids wouldn’t touch Dad’s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

      In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

      Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

      In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

      Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

      In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

      If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

      In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, “Wake up, it’s time for school.”

      Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: “Wake up, it’s time for hockey practice.”

      In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

      Today, a father comes home to a note: “Jimmy’s at baseball, Cindy’s at gymnastics, I’m at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge.”

      In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

      Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons’ ears and shout, “WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE..”

      In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

      Today, a father spends $800 at Toys ‘R’ Us, and the kid screams: “I wanted Sega!”

      In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

      Today, it’s Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

      In 1900, a Father’s Day gift would be a hand tool.

      Today, he’ll get a digital organizer.

      In 1900, fathers said, “A man’s home is his castle.”

      Today, they say, “Welcome to the money pit.”

      In 1900, “a good day at the market” meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

      Today, “a good day at the market” means Dad got in early on an IPO.

      In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

      Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald’s.

      In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

      Today, a father’s involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

      In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

      Today, kids glance up and grunt, “Dad, you’re invading my space.”

      In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

      Today, fathers break the ice by saying, “So…how long have you had that earring?”

      In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

      Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

      In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

      In 20xx, fathers are and probably will never be truly appreciated. 🙁

      Have a great weekend 🙂


    • #3144416

      Here’s my yuk..but announcement

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      I found out yesterday that our new grandchild is going to be a girl! Emma Ruth. My middle name is Ruth and I’ve always disliked it (no offense to those of you who are named Ruth,or have mothers, sisters, aunts or wives name Ruth). I guess now, I have to say I like the name just fine. 🙂

      A Lesson..

      Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?” the teacher asked.

      “Just a minute, I have to go pee”, he said.

      The teacher replied, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you? Paul, how would you say it?”

      “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

      The teacher responded,”That’s better, but it’s still not very mannerly to say the word ‘bathroom’ at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners.”

      “I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

      • #3144338

        Grandma Mae [i]Sounds Good[/i] :p

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Here’s my yuk..but announcement

        Strewth it’s a [b]Ruth EVERYONE HIDE IMMEDIATELY[/b] :^0

        Congrats on the News Mae I hope every thing goes well for your Pregnant Female Younger Person [b]see I can be PC when required.[/b] During the week I told my darling mother that she was about to become a [b]Great Grandmother[/b] as her new Daughter In Law was now Pregnant. I got thrown out of the house and told not to return till I was told to come over again. 🙁

        Col ]:)

        • #3144230

          Well, Col..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Grandma Mae [i]Sounds Good[/i] :p

          I’m not concerned with how good it long as I don’t LOOK the part, I’m happy.

          The only rule I have so far, is I won’t be known as ‘granny’..anything else is fine.

        • #3144207

          And how did you know

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Well, Col..

          what I was about to call you? “Granny” is a classic!

          Hey you?

          (best of luck for the little one)

        • #3144199

          I’m thinking..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to And how did you know


        • #3145014

          How about Supergran – The Gran from the darkside. :^0

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to I’m thinking..


        • #3144901

          I like it

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to How about Supergran – The Gran from the darkside. :^0

          A little scary, but I like it.

        • #3144872

          The official “Supergran”

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to How about Supergran – The Gran from the darkside. :^0

          unfortunately, the best thing about it was the theme tune!!

          Shot in Hollywood on Tyne, mid 80’s and I recall thinking I had a helluva long way to go at the time to be a grandmother…..

          (seems like five bloody minutes, now!!)


        • #3144864

          Mae, I’m sorry but I did mean to ………………..

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to How about Supergran – The Gran from the darkside. :^0

          add my congratulations, in the previous post.

          As for the scary part, you can always tell her you like little girls, especially with mustard and ketchup. A maniacal laugh after that is optional but lifting your hands up like claws as if you are ready to pounce on them, is almost mandatory. Don’t worry about any after effects from trauma, you wont be the one paying for the therapy sessions anyway.

          I do something like that with my grandaughter, She’s weird; she thinks I’m hilarious, maybe because it always seems to dissolve into a tickle session, with hugs and kisses.

          Anyway congratulations again.

          [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

        • #3144845


          by maecuff ·

          In reply to How about Supergran – The Gran from the darkside. :^0

          My husband already refers to her as ‘droogie’ (From Clockwork Orange). He’s odd..but harmless.

      • #3143219

        Congrats Mae!!!

        by x-marcap ·

        In reply to Here’s my yuk..but announcement

        May she be lovely, and have at least as good a sense of humor as you do.

        • #3143116

          Thank you!

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Congrats Mae!!!

          and as long as she looks like my stepdaughter and not the son in law, she’ll be beautiful. 🙂

        • #3144910

          Happy for you all

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Thank you!

          congrats maecuff. 🙂


      • #3144906


        by tig2 ·

        In reply to Here’s my yuk..but announcement

        What wonderful news!

        And you can’t POSSIBLY be a Grandma. Hmmmm… Time travel. That is the ONLY way this could have happened!

        After all, you and I are the same age. Okay- I never had children.

        Seriously, you and your family will be in my prayers. 🙂

        • #3144897

          It does seem strange

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Congratulations!

          I don’t FEEL like I could be a grandparent. Okay, technically, a stepgrandparent. Either way, the kid will call me grandma (or some variation).

          I still get carded, my 18 year old son was recently mistaken for my brother and my 20 year old stepdaughter is HORRIFIED because a few of her guy friends refer to me as the ‘hot stepmom’. She told me if I would just act my age, it wouldn’t be so bad. I just reply, Who’s acting?

        • #3144860

          I am SO right there with you

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to It does seem strange

          Okay- I got over the grey hair thing AGES ago- I started greying when I was 8 and learned how to colour my hair by around 15 or so. With all the training I am doing, it’s mostly blonde now anyway.

          I remember that my mother and eldest sister were frequently mistaken for sisters. In my family, I was frequently mistaken for the neighbor’s kid- I really don’t look like any of them.

          If you were to suddenly “act yourage” I would personally come to find you and find a way to fix you. The best thing about you is that you DON’T act your age. You act your personality- which is wonderful.

        • #3144835

          No problem there..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to I am SO right there with you

          I have more fun now than ever. I could do without the gray, but I have a wonderful hairdresser who takes care of me. I’m also finding that my older son and I have so much more in common now. He’s nearly 19, and for the past 4 – 5 years we’ve either been fighting or he’s being scaring the sh*t out of me with his dumbass choices. Now, he seems calmer, more focused and less confrontational. We talk about music, movies, and find that we have a lot in common. He used to make fun of what I listened to, now he asks me to burn him copies. 🙂

        • #3144827

          Grey, Shmey

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to No problem there..

          Only your hairdresser has a NEED to know!

          I understand completely about your son. I was lucky- my partner’s son is 22. He still makes choices that I don’t quite get but he gets better every day. And he is at least willing to talk about the choices in front of him and can define his rationale. Thank God!

          My ex had a nine year old when we got married. I am shocked that the child has LIVED to adulthood- I always figured that someone would have taken him out by now. Give you a sense of some of the fun- he was in CYA (California Youth Authority- kid prison) by the time he turned 15- Meth addiction and basic brainlessness. No, I didn’t get to raise him. His addict Mom got to do that. He went to live with his Dad after we were divorced and I hear that he is doing much better now- he’s 29 and has been clean for quite some time. I think that some of it is age, but a lot of it is having a good model.

          You’re a good model. Your son has something positive to go on. I know with my parner’s son, he calls us and asks for an opinion BEFORE he does something that he has questions about- he has generally made a choice already but he “sanity checks” his thinking with people he trusts. This is a good thing.

          The sad part- we burn copies of HIS music. I am not sure what happened there…

      • #3144882

        Welcome to the club, Mae!

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to Here’s my yuk..but announcement

        That’s the WWG club – the Wonderful World of Grandparents!

        The good thing about this club is the fact that you get all the good bits, and you hand them back to their parents for the bad bits!!!

        The bad thing about being a grandparent? There’s never any money left for yourself, you’re always buying something for the grandchild/ren! [the other bad thing is missing calls from them, so you don’t get the “wuvoogwan” at the end of the call……]

        Grandkids can be expensive….. It was Bens’ 4th birthday last week…. and he wanted a Thomas The Tank “big boys” bike (2 wheeler with training wheels) which of course necessitated the cycle helmet too, also Thomas the Tank design… there went another ?75!!!

        At least you have advance warning that it’s a girl, so you can start stocking up on pretty little girlie stuff straight away!

        When are you due to become a grandmother?

        What do you want to be called? Ben has decided that HOB and I are interchangeable – “GwananGwamps” – I was out when he rang the other day, but he still said “HIGWANANGWAMPS” when HOB answered the phone!!!

        Just a small word of warning, though, Mae – you need to have a good memory for what worked when your own kids were little – how you pacified them, got them to sleep, persuaded them to do things….you’ll need it all back and more, once the baby is born. Believe me, it’s amazing how much you remember when you absolutely have to because there’s a baby screaming it’s head off on the other end of the phone!!

        Good luck to you all Mae – keep us (literally) posted please


        • #3144871

          She’s due

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Welcome to the club, Mae!

          October 30th. I really am excited. My youngest just turned 8, so I still recall the ‘baby’ routine. The bad part is, they live in Maryland (about 6 hours away). But they’re talking about moving. Since my job is still up in the air, I’m not sure where we’ll end up. My stepdaughter says they are open, so maybe they’ll follow us. I hope so!

          I’ve already been stocking up. I have material for a quilt, a bib that says “I love grandma” and some little girly outfits. I can’t walk by the ‘baby’ aisle in a store without taking a look. Fortunately, my husband hasn’t been too annoyed by it yet. Of course, this is HIS first grandchild also.

        • #3144833

          OK Mae I’m putting you on notice now ;\

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to She’s due

          [b]I do not answer questions about how to sew a quilt![/b] :8}

          Why the sewing machine isn’t working properly or anything at all related to anything at all about Sewing Machines especially which Needle to use for a certain job [b]RIGHT![/b] 😐

          I no longer remember how a [b]Quilt[/b] is made or even what a [b]Quilt[/b] actually is & I especially don’t know anything at all about those Prints that are so highly thought of in the US either that are used for making [b]Babies Quilts.[/b] :0

          You can sew to your hearts content but don’t ask me how to do something as [b]I never knew in the first place and I’ve forgotten everything that I ever saw as well.[/b] But if you where making Sails that would of course be a different story as I have a slight memory of how those things are made but I really don’t wish to visit that area of my life ever again. :p

          OH by the way you might tell GG that it’s your [i]Daughter/Step Daughter[/i] [b]Who’s In The Club[/b] not you. :^0

          And carry on as you like after all you could be like my sister who is 8 years younger than her Nephew and when she was about 17 she went down to see her brother and was shown around to all the [b]Hot Spots[/b] by her youngest Nephew who had to beat all his friends off with a stick to keep my [b]Little Sister Pure[/b] 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3144828

          I Promise..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to OK Mae I’m putting you on notice now ;\

          I won’t ask for help. 🙂

      • #3144878

        Congrats :)

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Here’s my yuk..but announcement glad its you and not me 🙂

        A girl..excellent..does anyone knit anymore? We could make a wee little TR jumper!


        • #3144856

          I still knit

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Congrats :)

          But I am thinking crochet and an afghan came to mind.

          I suppose I have a pattern somewhere for a jumper…

          Fortunately she’s due in October- I won’t have much time until after the Walk in August…

          Does anyone know how to email aan afhan??? 🙂

        • #3144849

          I dunno..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to I still knit

          But it’s a nice thought! I think the kid will be covered (literally). She will have a great great grandmother, two great grandmothers, one great stepgrandmother, two grandmothers and a stepgrandmother(me). And all of them knit, quilt, crochet..except me. I’m going to cut out squares and put them together and my mother will do the quilting for me.

        • #3144832

          A quick way to insanity

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to I dunno..

          I have quilted for years under the mentorship of my Grandmother (now deceased) and mother (very much among the living but far away from me). My partner’s Mom quilts so I have been (trying!) to do more of it.

          If you haven’t a rotary cutter and a good ruler, go get them. If you aren’t sure what you are looking for, ask your Mom- she’ll know. Do a Google search on Eleanor Burns- she has more published shortcuts on piecing that any beginner can do complex designs without going nuts. Always a good thing!

          Keep us up on how it goes- and remember. “Grandma” isn’t another way to say “domestic”… or even domesticated. Unless, of course, you decide to be a Domestic Goddess!

          Edited to correct typo (why can’t I type today???)

        • #3144829

          Another two quick ways to insanity…..

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to A quick way to insanity

          (I haven’t a clue why I’m posting this to you, Mae, I have the feeling you’re like me and manage to create your own insanity in the first place!)

          1. Finish crotcheting a Christening shawl at 2am on the day of the Christening, then go downstairs at 7am to press it; set up the iron and board, then come back to find your father has put the hot iron down on the shawl……..

          2. Try to finish off a particularly intricate piece of chinese brush painting with a bit of calligraphy only to find that daughter has taken that precise nib to school to try with her fountain pen…….


        • #3144824

          Mae IGNORE TT HERE

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to A quick way to insanity

          Roto Cutters are Dangerous and you should never have to use one [b]EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES![/b]

          However if you are silly enough to use one you need one of the Roto Cutter Mats that are a [b]Green Self Healing Mat with Markings on it[/b] so that they don’t show the cuts and a Steel Rule one of the 1 Yard types works about best but be [b]VERY CAREFUL[/b] Those Roto Cutters can take the tip of a Finger or Thumb off quicker that you can think about things. [b]Honestly it’s safer to pay someone else to do things like that.[/b] 🙂

          As for cutting up pieces of material I saw someone spend hundreds of hours doing that to make a Surfing Koala out of one half inch squares of material for a King Sized Bed and then some one [i]you can read that as an OLD DEAR[/i] walked in and bought a sewing machine so she could afford to buy a real [b]Bed Cover[/b] she was so offended that she took it down and it was never seen in the shop again. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #3144820


          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Mae IGNORE TT HERE

          I probably won’t buy anything. I don’t even own a sewing machine, I just do it by hand. And badly. My mother will make it look good. That’s what she did when I made a quilt for my neice. And the cool thing is, I get to say I made it and mom will never tell anyone that she did the hard parts. 🙂

        • #3144801

          Well in that case Mae

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Mae IGNORE TT HERE

          [b]I love you![/b] Personally I hate women with sewing machines they used to drive me nuts totally. 🙂

          Even worse they made me give a 15 minute talk one day to the [b]Bernina Club[/b] when I was working for them and 3 hours latter the State Manager had to wind things up as I had gone slightly over time and he wanted me back where I was earning money for him [i]Answering the Phones for his Dealers[/i] :^0

          But if you look on E Bay you might find a really good Cheap Bernina I understand that someone sold New Zealand last week for $3,000.00 not sure if that was AU or NZ $ but either way it’s cheap enough to buy. 😉

          But Seriously I took off the top of my thumb off with a Roto Cutter and I didn’t even realise what I’d done till the blood started spilling out all over that VIP Print. They where not actually concerned about any injury to me they just wanted to make sure that the VIP Print had not suffered any damage. Shows where some peoples idea of what’s important is doesn’t it? [b]Yes SHMBO was one of the ones worried about that Bloody VIP Print.[/b] 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3145666

          A bit of grandparently advice……………

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Mae IGNORE TT HERE

          1): Under no cicumstances touch any grandchild under two within an hour after it has been fed. Never offer to “burp” the little buggers if you are wearing dark clothing and you don’t have a rain poncho handy.

          2): Do pose for the obligatory photo of “Gran with the baby” then hand it back and tell them you won’t be touching it again until it is at least paper trained and/or house broken.

          3): If you have anything planned, make sure you make it clear that your plans do not include any baby sitting that weekend but if there is a “real” problem, like Mom and Dad are quietly going insane, you could offer to chip in for a baby sitter, if money is a problem, which it usually is.

          4): Once past the smelly, messy, stage enjoy the hell out of them and spoil them rotten. Nothing like bringing a grandchild home to its parents while its on a sugar high. Leave before anyone notices. This constitutes revenge for what your kids did to you. Note you can take little girls to Wal-Mart or any clothing store but little boys are happier in the toy department, the hardware department or any hardware store that is handy.

          5): Forget 1 to 4. Enjoy and have all the fun with them that you can, although #2 does have a certain element of validity to it, especially if you have a strong gag reflex.

          [b]Dawg[/b] ]:) :^0

      • #3144764

        This comes a bit late

        by stargazerr ·

        In reply to Here’s my yuk..but announcement



    • #3144219

      Homeland security

      by oz_media ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      Has a new way of tracking terrorists.

      • #3144137

        Love it OZ but :p

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Homeland security

        Are you sure that those where eyes and not something else? :^0

        More to the point as whatever they are, are sitting close to the Mouse pointer which I very Rarely use they are unable to see the things that I type so what use are they? 😀

        Col ]:)

    • #3144150

      The milking machine

      by ozi eagle ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.

      Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument.

      Anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information. He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.

      ?Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder??

      ?Don’t worry sir?, replies the customer service person, ?the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres !?

    • #3145030

      [i] Especially for Mark – Shipwrecked

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk


      A Texan , a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
      They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
      As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
      Texan. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
      But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Texan took his
      arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to
      enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
      A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
      only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
      Texan had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued
      her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was
      well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
      another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
      breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
      Pretty soon, the Texan started to get [b]”those feelings”[/b] again. He
      fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to
      the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…

      [u][i][b]”Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”[/b][/i][/u]

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

      • #3144838

        Shipwreck part II

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to [i] Especially for Mark – Shipwrecked

        Two men and a woman are shipwrecked on an island.

        After a few weeks, the woman is so ashamed what she is doing she kills herself.

        After a week, the men are so ashamed what they are doing, they bury her.

        After a week, the men are so ashamed what they are doing, they dig her back up…..


    • #3145029


      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk


      A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
      brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss
      suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, “If I
      tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
      one?”. The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of
      grazing sheep and calmly answers, “Sure.”

      The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell
      phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite
      navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an
      Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his
      Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints
      out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the
      shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”

      “That is correct; take one of the sheep.” said the shepherd. He watches the
      young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

      Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
      will you give me back my sheep?”. “OK, why not?” answers the young man.
      “Clearly, you are a management consultant” says the shepherd. “That’s
      correct” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

      “No guessing required.” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although
      nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
      question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business. Now give
      me back my dog.”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3145027

      A Cowboy, His Dog and the Policeman

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      A Cowboy, His Dog and the Policeman

      On a hot blistering summer day, a redneck cowboy comes riding into
      town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog
      under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

      About 20 minutes later a policeman comes into the bar and asks who
      owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy said that it
      was his.

      The policeman said, “Your dog seems to be in heat.”

      The redneck cowboy replies, “No way dog’s in heat, he’s cool cause I
      got’im tied under the shade of the tree.”

      The policeman says, “No! you don’t understand; your dog needs to be

      No way”, the redneck cowboys says, “dog don’t need bread, he’s not
      hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin”.

      Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; “NO! you don’t seem to
      understand, your dog wants to have sex!”

      The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, “Go ahead. I always wanted me
      a police dog!”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3145026

      Anagrams are Fun

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      Anagrams are Fun

      GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
      DORMITORY: When you rearrange: DIRTY ROOM
      EVANGELIST: When you rearrange : EVIL’S AGENT
      PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange : BEST IN PRAYER
      DESPERATION: When you rearrange : A ROPE ENDS IT
      THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange : HERE COME DOTS
      SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange: CASH LOST IN ME
      MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange: WOMAN HITLER
      SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘ S
      A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange: I ‘ M A DOT IN PLACE
      And now for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you
      rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter
      only once):

    • #3145025


      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      Ass “Emoticons”

      (_E=mc2_) A smart ass

      (_13_) An unlucky ass

      (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

      (_!_) A regular “nice” ass

      (__!__) A large ass

      (!) A tight ass

      (_._) A flat ass

      (_^_) A bubbly ass

      (_*_) A sore ass

      (_!__) A lop-sided ass

      {_!_} A squishy ass

      (_o_) An ass that’s been around

      (_O_) And more….

      (_x_) Kiss my ass

      (_X_) “Get off my ass”

      (_zzz_) A tired ass

      (_o^o_) A wise ass

      (_?_) Dumb ass

    • #3145023

      Bubba applies to Wal-Mart

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      Bubba applies to Wal-Mart

      An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual
      to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
      four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
      ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
      would get the job.

      The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
      interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

      Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, “A THOUGHT”. It
      just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s
      just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”

      “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?” he asked
      the second man.

      “Hmm…. let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it
      ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.”

      “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very
      popular cliche for speed.”

      He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
      “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
      there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
      pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
      TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.”

      The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
      had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light” he said.

      Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same

      Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the three previous answers, It’s obvious
      to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.”

      “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

      “Oh I can explain.” said Old Bubba. “You see the other day I wasn’t
      feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK,
      BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh:t in my pants.

      Old Bubba is the new “Greeter” at the Lake Elsinore Wal-Mart.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3145022

      [i]Esential Knowledge About the Origin of S.H.I.T.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      Esential Knowledge About the Origin of S.H.I.T.

      In keeping with my New Year’s resolution, I try to learn something
      new everyday. I thought I’d share one of my new found bits of
      knowledge with you that I found especially interesting.

      Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
      transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer’s
      invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

      It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
      when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
      heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by
      product is methane gas.
      As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
      could (and did) happen.

      Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
      came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

      Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
      just what was happening.

      After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
      “Ship High In Transit” on them, which meant for the sailors to stow
      it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into
      the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
      production of methane.

      Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T “, (Ship High In Transit) which has
      come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

      You probably did not know the true history of this word.

      Neither did I.

      I had always thought it was a golf term.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3145021

      [i]The Evil Overlord

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      An Evil Overlord

      Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present…

      The Top 100 Things I’d Do
      If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

      My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

      My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

      My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

      Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

      The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

      I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.

      When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

      After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

      I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

      I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

      I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

      One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

      All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

      The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

      I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

      I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

      When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

      I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

      I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.

      Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

      I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

      No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

      I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

      I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

      No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

      No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

      I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

      My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

      I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

      All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

      All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

      I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

      I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

      I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

      I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

      I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

      If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.

      If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

      If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

      I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

      Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

      When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

      I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

      I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

      I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

      If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.

      If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

      I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

      If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

      My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

      If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

      I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

      If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.

      I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

      The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

      My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

      Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.

      If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

      I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

      My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

      If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

      I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

      Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

      I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

      If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

      My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

      No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

      I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.

      All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

      When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

      If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

      If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

      I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

      When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.

      I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

      If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

      If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

      I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”

      If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

      If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

      If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

      I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

      If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

      I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

      I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”

      I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

      My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

      If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

      After I captures the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

      I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

      I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

      If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

      If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

      When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

      My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

      My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

      My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

      If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

      Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

      Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

      Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things I’d do. Other suggestions have been sent to me which didn’t quite make the Top 100 List. But they are still so good that I couldn’t bear to throw them out. Therefore, as an expression of gratitude, I have tossed them into…

      Cellblock A and Cellblock B

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3145013

      For all of you cat people.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

    • #3145008

      Another cop joke.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.

      What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

      Policeman: “License, registration and proof of insurance please.”

      Driver: “Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.”

      Policeman: “Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!”

      Driver: “Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!”

      The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man’s head and shoulders.

      Policeman: “Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!?!?

      True story here.

      When I was copping around I pulled a guy over for rolling through a stop sign. I told him that I should give him a ticket for DWHUA. He said, “What’s DWHUA?”

      I said, “Driving with head-up-a**.”

    • #3271080

      Good one

      by maxwell edison ·

      In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

      I liked it

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