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Yuk Yuk Yuk

By md_hashim ·
A couple has a dog that snores, annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring the woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ...or what we did ...but, by God ...We took FIRST and SECOND place."

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The Inquisitive Son

by md_hashim In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

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Statues Revenge

by md_hashim In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park.

A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel flutters down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick-you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again."

The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.

The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes-why not go back and do it again?"

The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it-this time, you hold down the pigeon and I'll **** on it..."

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I guess this will be Friday's YUK

by rob mekel In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

As it soon will be Fathers day some, I hope, joke to it.

********************
Fathers then & now

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


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In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.


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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.


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In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.


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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


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In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.


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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."


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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."


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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"


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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


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In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


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In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


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In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.


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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."


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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"


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In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.


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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 20xx, fathers are and probably will never be truly appreciated.

***********
Have a great weekend :)

Rob

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Here's my yuk..but first..an announcement

by maecuff In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

I found out yesterday that our new grandchild is going to be a girl! Emma Ruth. My middle name is Ruth and I've always disliked it (no offense to those of you who are named Ruth,or have mothers, sisters, aunts or wives name Ruth). I guess now, I have to say I like the name just fine. :)

A Lesson..

Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you? Paul, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded,"That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."

"I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

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Grandma Mae Sounds Good

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Here's my yuk..but first. ...

Strewth it's a Ruth EVERYONE HIDE IMMEDIATELY :^0

Congrats on the News Mae I hope every thing goes well for your Pregnant Female Younger Person see I can be PC when required. During the week I told my darling mother that she was about to become a Great Grandmother as her new Daughter In Law was now Pregnant. I got thrown out of the house and told not to return till I was told to come over again.

Col ]:)

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Well, Col..

by maecuff In reply to Grandma Mae [i]Sounds Goo ...

I'm not concerned with how good it sounds..as long as I don't LOOK the part, I'm happy.

The only rule I have so far, is I won't be known as 'granny'..anything else is fine.

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And how did you know

by jdclyde In reply to Well, Col..

what I was about to call you? "Granny" is a classic!

Gran?
Grams?
Nana?
Hey you?

(best of luck for the little one)

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I'm thinking..

by maecuff In reply to And how did you know
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How about Supergran - The Gran from the darkside. :^0

by sleepin'dawg In reply to I'm thinking..
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I like it

by maecuff In reply to How about Supergran - The ...

A little scary, but I like it.

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