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DBA's have feelings too...

By Shellbot ·
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select from where

by Shellbot In reply to DBA's have feelings too.. ...

<p>Ok, my first entry..and typical, just like school, not sure what i wanna write. I'll be short and sweet for now. </p>
<p>Its friday, i'm gonna head home at 4 pm and paint my <insert swearing> kitchen. Then, my angel is coming to me for the summer..I've to pick her up in airport on sunday!! Haven't seen her in 10 months..thanks to divorce and <insert swearing> ex-husband being a <insert swear>. I get her all summer eash year, but everytime she wants to saty and live with me, he talks her out of it. Wanker.</p>
<p>July 10 we off to Tunisia (north africa) for 2 weeks..!!! yes..life is good..well, till my angel goes home at end of august </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

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select from where

by DC Guy In reply to select from where

<p>I'm sure the two of you, and hopefully the three of you, have had plenty of counseling sessions. But a word from the village elder here: You're using your daughter as a weapon. Stop it! The way you feel about each other isn't as important as the way she ends up feeling and the impact of those feelings on her maturation.</p>
<p>If you and the jerk can't agree on where she should live, then you have to just suck it up and honor the original agreement or court order. For each of you to convince her she should come live with you every time she sees you, and then for each of you to convince her that the other one was wrong every time she sees you, and then for each of you... well do see where I'm going with this?</p>
<p>Everybody ends up with absolutely no change to the arrangement. You and the jerk end up increasing your inventory of reasons to be angry. The kid ends up with mental stretch marks from being pulled this way and that over and over again. Is that the life you want for her? She's a kid, she shouldn't have to feel like a rawhide chew toy being tugged on my two grown dogs acting like puppies.</p>
<p>You didn't do it on purpose, but you both hurt her badly enough by separating in the first place. There's no forgiveness for compounding the problem by causing further hurt that IS on purpose!</p>
<p>You read TR. Isn't this a classic case of dinosaur management practices? You keep doing what you've always been doing but expect a different outcome THIS time. Would you handle a problem at work this way? I don't care if this is only the second iteration, it's two times too many for the kid.</p>
<p>It's still pretty unusual for a father to be awarded primary custody. That must have really hurt, the last thing you expected. After decades of the most rotten, abusive mothers being awarded automatic custody in divorce cases, here you come along, the best mother on earth with a husband who is a total lout, and the legal system decides to atone for its past sins by granting HIM custody.</p>
<p>It's reverse discrimination. Every great movement is a ponderous thing that rolls over quite a few undeserving victims in its blind momentum. Too many loving fathers have lost their children to wicked mothers and you've become collateral damage in the battle to fix that. That won't make you feel any better. Probably nothing will make you feel any better. Maybe I don't even have the situation right and I haven't got a chance of making you feel any better.</p>
<p>It doesn't matter! Break the cycle. Whatever the reason for the bad feelings, don't pass them on to your daughter for one more day. She feels bad enough already.</p>

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to reply to DC Guy

by Shellbot In reply to DBA's have feelings too.. ...

<p>well mate..thanks for the advice, but Lets look at the whole situation shall we:</p>
<ol>
<li>He was not awarded custody, we have joint custody, agreed to by both of us.
<li>She does not live with me because it was decided he was closer to her friends, family and school as i moved far away.
<li>I had to get a court order to force him to take her to a counselor, as it was part of our original custody arrangements that he did so.
<li>He has had several warnings from the courts to stop badmouthing me and has actually been not so bad since the last one, as the judge said 1 more time and he was losing custody .
<li>Untill the child was old enough to speak for herself i had to approach the courts to enforce our visitation agreement. Once she was old enough, she coul dsay that yes, she did want to go and stay with mommy.
<li>I have not once, never, said a bad word about him in front of her, or even when she is in the same building. He is the one who excels at that game..(lets see, she lives with him because i don't want her, my new husband dont want her, i don't love her, never wanted her int he first place..get the picture??)
<li>I swallow my pride and talk to him nice and let him think we are friends sometimes, just so i can try and make things as easy for her as i can
<li>She came to me last fall and said she wanted to move in with me when shcool was done, for a year, to give it a try. I was thrilled, but shortly after she returned home, in her words "dad helped me to see that its maybe not the right desicion, so i will only come for a visit"
<li>so ya..i am one of those evil mothers who gave up thier child to spare her the fights and hurts of two people tearing each other apart..i listen to her, i guide her as best as i can, i work like a dog to save for her college, i pay for whatever she needs, i send her notes, cards, magazines, trinkets, etc each month , we chat on the phone 3 times a week..</li></ol>
<p>now i'm back thinking about when i have to send her back, to a father that doesn't even try to understand her, and who is going to have her put on anti-depresants because she is starting to rebel against soem of his rules. he has found a doctor who says that they will "make her more manageable", so thats the easy way, rather than talking with her and seeing why she is doing what she is doing. she acts fine with me..so i can only think my aproach of listening and offering support is superior to grounding and threatening.</p>
<p>he's such a fantastic guy..</p>

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sorry DC

by Shellbot In reply to DBA's have feelings too.. ...

<p>hey, ok, i read your comment a second time and it came across a bit differerent..</p>
<p>didn't mean to go postal..just get used to defending myself..everyone assumes i either just left her cause i didn't want her, or that i lost custody..very few can understand that i bottled everything up and did what i thought was best for her..sadly i trusted my ex to think of her before him and thought it woul dwork out better..but..no, he took advantage and made himself look like the injured party..</p>
<p>anyways..i firmly believe when she is older, she will see the truth for what it is, and in the end she will know that i loved her more than anything..</p>
<p>only picked her up at airport on sunday night..looking forward to a fantastic summer holiday with a great kid. she is one in a million, and considering how much garbage she has gone through, she is just super !</p>

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On being a full time mommy again

by Shellbot In reply to DBA's have feelings too.. ...

<p>My daughter has moved over to live with me and my husband!! She was here for her regular summer holiday and announced she wanted to stay for at least a year! So needless to say, I am over the moon.</p>
<p>Its been 6 years since i had to be a full time mom, and now she is 14. I'm sure there will be a few rough spots. Her father back in Canada did not make it too easy on her. He's such an @ssh0le. Maybe next week I will post excerpts from some emails he sent to this fantastic 14 year old girl. Maybe i can get verification of his @-h0le status from other parents?</p>
<p> Anywho's..she is having to adjust to new home, friends, school system, but i think she is doing OK. In fact, I know she is. She is glowing! When she came over for her holidays she was sullen, overly thin and there were concerns of depression. Now she eats like a horse, is constantly on the go, laughing, joking, badgering me to play Gamecube..ect ect..</p>
<p>If only I can get her to like better music..I think I'm going to take her to a HIM gig after xmas. </p>
<p>So there, for those of you that care..i finally have a posting in my blog..i'm sure i'll add to it soon.</p>

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Work Contract due ..

by Shellbot In reply to DBA's have feelings too.. ...

<p>Well, the past year has flew by, my contract with my current employer is up in just over a month. Problem is, they told me about 2 months ago that they wanted to extend that by at least 6 months, as there is still some work to be done, and some new stuff on the horizon. </p>
<p>I've got performance reviews that glow so f*cking bright you need shades on just to look at them. I have 1/2 the company singing my praises, they are so non-tech that they think i am a genius. I have sat in meetings where the Financial controler and assistant director told me straight out that they woul dbe lost without me and if i was to not renew my contract they would be devastated and it would have a huge negative impact on the continuing use and future development of our database.</p>
<p>I started pushing around xmas to get the terms of the new contract, and after me repeatedly chasing it up, i got it last night. No "new" conttract though, just  a "letter of continuance" saying i do the same as the old, with the clause that they may get me to do some extra work in another department if time permits.</p>
<p>So...no consultation with me..no pay rise offered (to be honest i expected a cost of living increase as that would be the norm here in ireland), no nothing... i am about as f*cked off as i could be..and the more i think about it, the more f*cked off i get.</p>
<p>I am doing a paper up for them which will spell out what my job spec is compared to what i actually do, then dig up a few salary surveys and check the sites to see what jobs are going.</p>
<p>I'm just gobsmacked that through all thier smiles and sh1t that they gave me no bonus and had the goolies to suggest i would do even more work than my original spec..as it was i didin't post for what..2 months cause i was run off my @ss.</p>
<p>Bugger of it is, i like what i am doing, and the people i work with, but i'm not sure i can stay on with that sort of attitude. Its not like its a permanent position anyways, in 6 months they may renew again, but probably not as the legistation here is tricky for contracts. I am prepared to walk away as it was origianlly only 12 months anyways..</p>
<p>i think its time for some Korn....</p>

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Work Contract due ..

by jck In reply to Work Contract due ..

<p>I'd just suggest you ask them for what you are worth in the market, plus a bit more since you have gotten such rave and glowing reviews from the management and co-workers alike.</p>
<p>If you are truly an integral part of their operations, they will find a way to get you what you are worth.</p>
<p>I wish you the best with it :)</p>

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trip home to canada

by Shellbot In reply to DBA's have feelings too.. ...

<p>So, went to good old Saskatchewan to visit the family. My homesickness has been cured, and it won't be surfacing in a good while I'd say.</p>
<p>It was pretty much a disaster. </p>
<p>The original idea behind the trip was for the Child to see her father, who she hasn't seen since July 05. I did not post in the blog about this fiasco, but i did  post it as a discussion.</p>
<p><a href="http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=189038&start=0">http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=189038&start=0</a></p>
<p>So anyways, she refused to go  to see him, and he refused to drive down to us (would have been about a 4 hour drive) so he could at least talk to her.  All he did was send her emails about how "she was running from her problems", "she was being immature","she was misunderstanding everything","how lonely they are", basically he tried every trick to make her feel guilty. The one thing he could have done was said "sorry" and i'm sure they could have worked it out. I said as much to him and he told me i didn't understand. So i asked him to drive down..got a list of excuses..i even offered to GIVE HIM the gas money and he wouldn't. I would beg, borrow, steal, lie and cheat to get the chance to spend 10 minutes with my kid if i hadn't seen her in 8 months..yet he refuses to do it for money. Then he wonders why she thinks he's a d1ckhead.</p>
<p>My family are ..i don't know exactly what they are.. I was so looking forward to seeing them and within 4 hours of being on canadain soil i was already annoyed. I kept it to myself though and just smiled through it all..as i always do. I guess i thought i might get some sort of recognition? I think it was like i was a little kid coming home from school with a good exam mark..but all grown up this time.."hi mom and dad, look at me! I'm happy and healthy. I've got a great job, making good money, happily married, own a home, my child is with me and thriving. for once pat me on the back and tell me your proud" </p>
<p>Instead i got "do you have a job? (from dad..who i only told 2 weeks previously that i got a huge pay raise). It all went downhill from there..My sister dumped her 14 month old baby on me. She's cute and all, i love her so much...but i had to pay babystitters so i could go out..my mom has gone weird, she floats around in her own little world,my dad is still the same @ssh0le as when i left home at 14 to get away from, my pregnant sister tells me she finally off crystal meth, but her boyfriend was still using cocaine that weekend. </p>
<p>I had to buy all the groceries, went without sleep almost the entire time, listened to all thier problems, ate what they wanted to, when they wanted to & where they wanted to. The last night i cracked when an arguement began over MY choice of restaraunt. I told them thats where i'd be a 7pm, if they wanted to eat with me on my last night, be there, or else go home and i'd see them in a few years.</p>
<p>I had a brilliant 2 days with my pregnant sister, and a couple days with my brother was also fab. </p>
<p>i just wanna scream...i'm thinking about writing a book about my family..i think a quote form my mom will sum up the whole thing:</p>
<p>Mom looks at me with concern: "Where is your dad? He's been gone a while now. I hope he hasn't fallen down the sewer again"</p>
<p> </p>

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trip home to canada

by JamesRL In reply to trip home to canada

<p>If there is a bright side, you have vaildated your choice to move away, you seem to have blossomed away from the family.  </p>
<p>I can't compare my family with yours, its not the same scale, but I have the advantage of being over an hours drive away. I get to see them often for short periods of time, and I think the expectations are lower. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>My mother in law, on the other hand, is a true nutcase, and lives 3000 miles away. She doesn't come often and my wife is glad to see her, at least for an hour. She irritates me, but she drives my wife insane. A week long visit every two years is plenty. Distance sometimes makes the heart fonder.....</p>
<p> </p>
<p>James</p>

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trip home to canada

by AmberHaze In reply to trip home to canada

<p>OK, what is it about this place, sounded like you were talking about my inlaws... (For those who haven't put 2 and 2 together, I currently live in the town she is talking about.)  In my case I left my own business elsewhere to move here since it is where my now wife was from and she wanted to be close to her family.  Fortunately she is now ready to move far far away, so I am just biding my time until the right opportunity arises.</p>
<p>Anyways, back to the point at hand, sounds like you have done good getting out of this place, so congrats and good luck.</p>
<p>Adrian Glasgow AKA AmberHaze</p>

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