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Durn Near Friday Yuk - July 10, 2009

By boxfiddler Moderator ·
Tags: Off Topic
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, asking him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup..."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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Why Parents Drink

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Durn Near Friday Yuk - Ju ...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes', whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' 'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes', whispered the child, 'a policeman .'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman', came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?', demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

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Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!

by santeewelding In reply to Durn Near Friday Yuk - Ju ...
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by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!

But have you the bed by the window?

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by santeewelding In reply to Ah.

In the bathtub.

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The 'Old Bastards Alphabet' ...

by OldER Mycroft In reply to Durn Near Friday Yuk - Ju ...

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead...

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains, Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H High blood pressure--I'd rather it low

I For incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low

O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill, I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tintinitus, bells in my ears!

U is for urinary, troubles with flow;

V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

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by Shellbot In reply to The 'Old Bastards Alphabe ...

Thankfully I'm young enough that I don't "get" half of that, but its still funnier than heck! ]:)

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Subject: school answering machine message.

by Shellbot In reply to Durn Near Friday Yuk - Ju ...

Eh..not silly enough to think that is for real..but its funny anyways :)

This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

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Two Ladies Talking in heaven

by Shellbot In reply to Durn Near Friday Yuk - Ju ...

1st woman:
Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman :
Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman:
I froze to death.
2nd woman:
How horrible!

1 st woman:
Oh, it wasn't so bad . After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, almost kinda comfortable, & finally
died a very peaceful death. What about

2nd woman:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started
running all over the house looking for her. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I
just keeled over with a heart attack &

1st woman:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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Morning cup o' Joe...

by NotSoChiGuy In reply to Two Ladies Talking in hea ... monitor.

Monitor, cup o' Joe.


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by Shellbot In reply to Morning cup o' Joe...

so how did that work out then? ]:)

any dribble on the keybored?

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