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Friday Double-Yuck

By CharlieSpencer ·
Tags: Off Topic
Is there any point in giving a wedgie to someone who's already wearing a thong?

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yes!!

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

after all, picking them up by their shorts inflicts pain in the front, not just discomfort in the rear. ]:)

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ROFL :^0 <NT>

by rob mekel In reply to yes!!
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Bank Robber

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Double-Yuck

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!' and proceeds to
empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner.

'I think my missus caught a glimpse.'

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Knowing The Time

by Shellbot In reply to Bank Robber

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.

"It's about 2:00", he says.

The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,

"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.

He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.

Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

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Forbidden Fish

by Shellbot In reply to Knowing The Time

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"OK. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The fish." replied the warden.

"What fish?" The man asked.

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English Prisoner

by Shellbot In reply to Forbidden Fish

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off."

The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing."

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time."

"Ya, that will be done," says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before."

The German replies, " ya."

The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."

The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!."

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:^0 >groan<

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to English Prisoner

Silly me. I was expecting a variation on Art, Bob, Matt... :^0 :^0

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Absolute Governmental Authority

by Shellbot In reply to Bank Robber

A U.S. Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch
and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your
water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there."

The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of
the Federal Government with me.

See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH
on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?"

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep
running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull.

The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately
threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....


"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

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Hospital Charts

by Shellbot In reply to Absolute Governmental Aut ...

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. ****** examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

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Number 18

by Shellbot In reply to Hospital Charts

Yikes..thats gotta be painful ]:)

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