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Friday Levity..

By maecuff ·
Sorry Oz, 'yuk' just isn't dignified enough...This joke, however..:)

Little Billy sat on a park bench eating one candy bar after another. A man sitting nearby commented after Billy finished his sixth candy bar, "Son, all that candy is going to give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."
"Oh yeah?" Little Billy replies, "Well, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asks, "And did he do that by eating six candy bars a day"?
"No", says Little Billy, "He did it by minding his own f*cking business."

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Ooooooh, Mae!!!

by GuruOfDos In reply to Friday Levity..

Bad, bad girl!

But then again, as it's Friday...

A man is sat in a bar, sipping his beer and generally minding his own business, when the door bursts open and a gang of bikers enter.

The leader looks around the bar for a few seconds, then goes up to the counter.

'Bartender...seventeen beers for me and the boys. Oh, and a beer for the poor cripple in the corner'.

The man looks around and sees no one else in the bar, shakes his head, and resumes sipping his beer. The barman comes over and brings him a beer.

'Hang on a minute?', he says. 'What's this?'

The barman explains that the bikers bought it for him.

'Well', the man replies,' I heard what he said about a beer for the poor cripple. They can't mean me. I'm not crippled!'

The bartender replies

'Well, according to their head honcho, if you don't buy the next round...you will be!'

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Hee hee

by Oz_Media In reply to Ooooooh, Mae!!!

A guy is in a pub buying round after round for his friends. He hears a lady calling him and turns to see a European woman in a haltertop waving her arm in the air.

He asks the bartender for another beer to be sent over to the ballet dancer in the corner.

The bartender replies, 'she's not a ballet dancer!'

The patron says 'I don't care what you call her, any woman who can lift her leg that high deserves a beer.'


OOOOOOOHHHH EEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!

ick! :-p

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Hirsute Europeans

by GuruOfDos In reply to Hee hee

Why do Italian men grow moustaches?

So that they can emulate their mother!

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Hee Haw

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Hirsute Europeans

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to try and retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all showed up, grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, nothing happened then the donkey
realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of it is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping
and never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to being happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW -------- Enough of that crap . .

The donkey later came back and bit the **** out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

THE MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ***, it always comes back in the end to bite you.
_____

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Have a little pity for those who are about to die

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Levity..

Blind Man's Blonde Joke

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and

5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Brilliant Lines

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Levity..

Brilliant Lines

1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

6) I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I'm not being rude. You're just being insignificant.

9) I am visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.

10)Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14) No, my powers can only be used for good.

15) How about never? Is never good for you?

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17) You sound reasonable...Must be time to up my medication.

1 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

28)I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

29)Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,
"Where the **** is the roof?????"

30)My reality check bounced.

31)On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

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British Curtesy

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Levity..

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any
public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London
police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this an
example of British curtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

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Special Coded Message

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Levity..

-Special Coded Message to the French From Bush
The French Leader got a coded message from the Bush Administration.

It read: S370HSSV-0773H

The French were stumped and sent for the French Information Agency.
The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians. The Russians
couuldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.

The Germans having received this same message during W.W.II from the
Americans suggested turning it upside down ...............

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Cancer???????

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Levity..

Doctor Gives Irishman BAD News

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you ... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.

"Murphy was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well.

I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints. After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.

They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...?

You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of those randy
buggers sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

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20/20

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Levity..

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know
love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out
a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

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