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Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
Tags: Off Topic
Okay, people said they still liked the Friday Yuk so I might as well see if we can muster some Ha-Ha again.

A little off season but chuckles all the same:

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GO Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GO The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GO They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GO They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GO Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GO These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GO What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GO No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GO And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GO Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ...

GO Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!! (A long one in Canada - Happy Thanksgiving!)

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Well, maybe not

by Oz_Media In reply to Friday Yuk

I thought it was the TR dodo bird now.

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Sorry, only got dirty jokes

by Slayer_ In reply to Well, maybe not

A little girl was bawling her eyes out when she came running in to the house with one hand out stretched: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom.

"I pricked my hand on the rose bushes and I want the pain to go away!"

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

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No need for apology

by Oz_Media In reply to Sorry, only got dirty jok ...

LOL - I thought I had heard it at first, but turns out it's a new one!

Cheers, enjoy your weekend!

P.S. that sort of stuff usually bodes well here, it is just when every other word is asterisked out or misspelled to pass the filters that it gets ridiculous.

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Breaking my own rule

by Oz_Media In reply to Sorry, only got dirty jok ...

I moan about people posting multiple posts with jokes but it's a quiet week here on the Yuk so I'll break the law myself.

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the parking lot.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his flashlight in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your flashlight on her!"

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Haha nice! NT

by Slayer_ In reply to Breaking my own rule
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Lion and Gorilla

by NetMan1958 In reply to Friday Yuk

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. So the gorilla thinks to himself, "Wouldn't it be funny if I snuck up behind the "King of the jungle" and slipped him the old sausage?"

So the gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing.

The lion, however, doesn't think it's so funny. He lets out a mighty roar and takes off after the gorilla. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion is catching up with him, so he ducks into a campsite, pulls some safari duds off the clothesline, puts them on, picks up a newspaper and sits down by the fire, holding the paper up to hide his face.

Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle. "HEY, YOU!" he says, "DID YOU JUST SEE A BIG GORILLA COME RUNNING THROUGH HERE?"

The gorilla starts shaking behing the paper. "Um - do you m-mean the one that j-just s-s-screwed you in the a-a-a$$?"

The lion sits up with a start and says: "Holy Crap! You mean it's in the freaking newspapers already?"

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by Oz_Media In reply to Lion and Gorilla

Priceless, had no idea where that was going!

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Russian department

by TobiF In reply to Friday Yuk

In Russia, one group of anecdotes are about people from the Chukotka peninsula. Some of these jokes are a bit condescending, but here's one I like:

A Russian from Moscow was on a business trip in Chukotka. While there, he heard that the villagers knew about a bear in the neighborhood and planned to go hunting the next day.
The Russian then said that he would like to join them.
<b>local:</b>It is dangerous, you know. You need to be able to run fast, be a good shooter and, most of all, be really clever.
<b>Russian:</b>I was the quickest in my school, the best shooter in my army formation. And I'm sure I'm more clever than you, he added in a slightly patronizing tone.
So the locals accepted his participation.

The next day, the men went up early in the morning, and walked for two hours through the forest. Then, in an open spot, they stopped, and one local guy went further to look for the bear.

After 15 minutes, the local guy came running out of the forest, followed by the bear. He past by the other people and continued on the pathway towards the village, screaming and waving his arms.

The Russian guy took up his rifle, aimed at the bear and killed the animal with one shot.

Now the local came up to the Russian guy, so angry that he couldn't find words at first.

<b>Local:</b>I said you need to be clever. But you shot the bear here. Now YOU have to carry 500 kilograms of meat back to the village!

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by Oz_Media In reply to Russian department

Reminds me of being able to out run a bear. You don't have to be faster than the bear, just faster than your buddy.

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